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Not sure how to feel about this...

JC BASS 91

JC BASS 91

Oct 22, 2021
1,752
5,792
SW Missouri
#1
Our band got started in August of 2022 and we had our first gig that November. In 2023 we hit our goal of at least one gig per month (13 total). In December, we took the whole month off for holidays and then at the end of the month, our lead vocalist got sick and was unable to do our shows in January and February (3 total). So we had two subs come in to do her lead parts.

Then the news dropped: she has stage 4 renal cancer. So her and her husband (our drummer) stepped out just before the 2nd show in February so that they could gear up for the fight ahead.

The 2nd show in February was kind of scary for me as we had a drummer come in that had not rehearsed with us and just sat down to play a kit that wasn't even his. It was actually a wonderfully pleasant surprise and he even complimented my playing and that I kept him where he was supposed to be.

After the show, the main members of the band discussed the future and agreed that we would continue on but would likely change the name of the band (current band name is Carie's Revenge...and Carie was our lead vocalist.)

We have two gigs this month and we are still going in as Carie's Revenge, but will change after that.

So here's where I'm at a loss. We haven't played together since the gig on February 23rd and we had a practice last night to run through stuff for our gig this Friday. However, when I showed up, it didn't take long to find out that the rest of the band has been meeting without me with a new drummer. They played it off like it was no big deal and that they were working to get the two vocalists up to where we need them and to learn the proper parts. (During a break, though, the lead guitarist praised me saying, "Man, you didn't lose ANYTHING during the extended time off!" I thanked him and said that even though I wasn't at any of their rehearsals, I was still practicing my parts at home.)

I am not a drama person. But I am kind of hurt that they left me out of those practices, especially since I am the one that has to lock in with the drummer. I will say, though, that this drummer (not the same one from the gig on 2/23) and I locked in pretty well all night last night, so I'm not worried about that, now. It just really bugs me deep down that they excluded me for those practices.

I feel like I'm completely left out on a lot of things going on right now with this group. I love the music we are doing and they continually act like they definitely want me to stick around, but I feel like I'm getting mixed messages.

Anyone else ever experienced anything like this?
 
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#3
pepj said:
My question would be who did the bass in your absence?

There must be a reason why they excluded you.
Think you might have tobadk them and be prepared for an answer you might not like...or... they may have a reason that makes sense.

Sorry to hear about the illness issue.
Click to expand...

Oh, I asked. There was no bass player as they were "just working on vocal stuff and giving the drummer opportunity to get familiar with our set lists".
 
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#5
pepj said:
Thats more positive.... if they were speaking truthfully.
But maybe...they dont see you in their long terms plans because that sounds odd to not have you there

But as is...I'd accept their word but watch them closely if it matters to you.
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The vocalist and drummer were the ones that brought me into the group to begin with because they couldn't find a bass player that could commit the time. I know that the remaining members have been in the local music scene for a lot longer than I have been (I took a long time off from 2007 until 2021 to raise my kids) so they know more bassists, but apparently they couldn't get any of those to commit to the group. So, while I don't think they are looking to replace me, it still feels really weird. I will add that my wife is furious with them for excluding me. She has been the one to do all of our photos and videos we use on social media. I am also the one that setup our social media to begin with because none of them are 'techy' enough (I'm an IT professional).

I don't know. Like I said, I'm just really not sure how to feel about it. None of the remaining members have ever given me a reason to not trust them...but I'm one of those people that is normally NOT the trusting type (pulled too many knives out of my back).

Part of me feels like I'm reading too much into it and that they are being honest with what they've told me. All of them commented at the end of the night last night how much they've missed me being around (too which I bit my tongue and didn't say "Well, you were the ones that chose not to include me."...like I said, I'm not into the drama thing).
 
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#7
I haven't had this experience in a band, but sure have hit it in the workplace often enough. It is frustrating and, for me, undermined my confidence at times. I'm tired today, so my brain isn't at its best, but I can see two general reasons for this omission. Either there is a reason they thought your presence would impair the ability to bring on the new singers and drummer or they're a bit immature and didn't even consider how you would feel.

It sounds like they like your playing and that you didn't run off the new members with your mere presence. So, my guess is this will go away. But, it is a flag for you for future interactions with the band. Unfortunately, I'd not be able to trust them until I knew why they didn't have me at that meeting. But, I've hit the age where I don't have a lot of time for nonsense and would walk away. I think your approach is more mature and will give you the best chance of keeping the band intact.

And I hope Carie beats the cancer. That's terrible.
 
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#8
stigbeve said:
Maybe they know you're good and didn't need the practice??
Click to expand...

See, that's kind of what I keep trying to tell myself, and that's based on comments I have received from them. The drummer that basically came in off the street for that last gig in February really boosted my self-esteem as a player with his high praise of my playing. He looked at me at the end of the show and said, "Where the heck have you been hiding?! I've played in the local scene for over 3 decades and I've never met you or seen you before and you are SOLID!"

I don't know...
 
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#9
ronknor said:
And I hope Carie beats the cancer. That's terrible.
Click to expand...

Thanks! She's beat breast cancer already. Hence the name of the band. Her "revenge" was against that cancer and the fact that she was still able to get out there and sing and be part of a band. Our logo even has the pink breast cancer awareness ribbon incorporated into it. Even though this renal cancer is a "rare and aggressive form", she is adamant that she is going to beat it. She is an absolutely incredible lady and her husband is awesome, too, and I miss them being a part of our group. I still contact them regularly to check in and see how they are doing. They have a long, rough road ahead, but I keep praying for them. They really are "good people".
 
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#10
JC BASS 91 said:
Part of me feels like I'm reading too much into it and that they are being honest with what they've told me. All of them commented at the end of the night last night how much they've missed me being around (too which I bit my tongue and didn't say "Well, you were the ones that chose not to include me."...like I said, I'm not into the drama thing).
Click to expand...
Let me be that guy, and say that you're definitely in to the drama thing. It's just that the drama all plays out in your head.
A more charitable interpretation of events is that they wanted to respect your time, and trust you to be able to play with any drummer they might choose.
That's not to say it wasn't a bit thick-headed on their part, but I'd give it a pass as long as it's not a pattern.
 
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#11
Different point of view.......mostly because I tend to run on the paranoid side of things.

I would have an honest discussion with them at the next rehearsal. Tell them how leaving you out made you feel, and ensure they really want you there.

It does sound like maybe they were possibly trying out another bass player in your absence (friend of the new drummer perhaps?). I see no other reason why they would leave you out of rehearsals.
 
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#12
Seems like your band mates gave a reasonable explanation. In my blues group they have replaced and rehearsed with other members without telling me until they made some kind of decision. Their reason is I live so far they didn't want to burden me with a commute knowing I'm gig ready and also have a sick family member. Sometimes in my head I think there is something weird going on but it's just me.
 
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#13
I'd only be a bit miffed if they're bein honest and it was just to get the guy a little exposure to the set. I'd follow up with "hey fellas, no biggie but in the future if there's gonna be anything related to drums/rhythms please involve me. It's sorta my whole thing". That said, I was recently promoted to audience member (IE informed that the band was going in a different direction and the only thing different about the direction was that I was not going to be going that direction).

I took over bass from the previous bassist (who was the writer and is primarily a drummer). Well I knew that a buddy of theirs had juuuuuuust moved back from Cali and was the drummer in Mr Writers other band that he was also the bassist in. Practice got cancelled, or at least I was told it was cancelled, then a few days later I was advised that he'd be taking bass back over and I inferred that their buddy took over drums there as well. Either way, the appearance of not being totally upfront undermines trust in a band. I'm fine not being in a band, I just don't wanna be jerked around or lied to.
 
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#15
JC BASS 91 said:
They played it off like it was no big deal and that they were working to get the two vocalists up to where we need them and to learn the proper parts.
Click to expand...

Did they really "Play it off" or did they simply tell you these were vocal rehearsals?
Have they given you reason to think their word is not to be trusted?

It would have been more courteous to let you know before hand that was happening, sure.
But is their any reason to believe it wasn't just a thoughtless oversight?
It sounds like you may be seeking a reason to be upset to me.

Hanlon's razor is an adage or rule of thumb that states: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
 
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#17
It certainly is an odd situation.
Right now though, without knowing all the information as to why this happened, you'll never be in any position to make an informed, correct analysis. Dwelling on this whilst uninformed will only lead to emotional based reactions that will eventually be detrimental to either your health or position in the band or both. So, don't try and "feel" anything. The truth can not be hidden for long and will eventually come to the surface. By then,it'll probably be irrelevant.
 
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#18
My thoughts:
1. Yeah, its weird that they didn't include you in rehearsals with a new drummer. The only things that come to mind are negative ones already expressed, but...
2. My more important concern would be the band switching drummers without my being a part of the decision making process. I had a band do that to me once and I told them about it. When we had to make a switch again later I was in on the decision making.
3. No reason not to keep calling the band "Carie's Revenge" if a bit of a following has been bult using that name...there's no Marshall Tucker in the Marshall Tucker Band, no Lynyrd Skynyrd, no Molly Hatchet, etc..
 
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