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On Hartford CL this morning ... long post ...

RustyAxe

RustyAxe

Jul 8, 2008
6,534
10,010
Connecticut
#1
LEAD BANJO/ HEAVY VOCALIST NEEDED FOR HEAVY METAL PUNK COUNTRY TROUPE (EAST HADDAM)
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So I need a lead banjo player/heavy vocalist for my new band 'Acrimonious Act of Love and the Deep Bleu Pale', ASAP.

I've already got a committed 12 string bass player, a female triple bass drummer, two lead guitar players (male and female), keyboardist (does not speak English), transgender trombonist (true story), trumpeter, backing vocals with tambourines (coolest bisexual identical twin sisters ever), rhythm double guitarist (also doesn't speak English), accordion (also heavy distortion), and me on choreographed dance, story interpretation for the audience, pantomime, and lead vocals. I want a screaming heavy banjo sound to round it out. So it has to be banjo running through some serious distortion and whatever other effects you chose to use. And to balance out my delicate vocal styling I really need you to have a heavy voice (death metal sound). And yes there's a reason why I need you as a singer in this format, but you'll discover that later. Also having you means we have thirteen members and I have my reasons for that as well and I will express this through music and dance.

So as advertised, we're a combination of country, heavy metal, punk, and expressive/interpretive dance. Think Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros meets Of Monsters and Men and they have a threesome with The Clash therefore having a Mumford'esque baby that looks and sounds like Lyle Lovett (that's me). But baby Lyle grows up and realizes the anger he feels inside because he's actually a he/she inside and is raised by the cast of both Cirque du Soleil and the Blue Man Group. This anger, sex, lust, jealousy, somberness, spirituality, and poetry needs to come out in music. But it must feel as tense as a first time conjugal visit or it will miss it's mark...

I have four years of dance choreography experience from NYU (before moving out to this bastion of hell known as Eastern, CT), and fifteen years of ballet. I'm also an accomplished vocalist and I can sing like an angel or a devil as required. I will be working all the dance moves needed and you will need to dance as well to be a part of this. So if you have two left feet this isn't for you. I will also provide your costumes that will be worn both in practice and on stage. For this I will simply need your measurements and I will tape you personally. Also, we all share a common love of cannabis and fine wine and you must as well. Because of a horseback riding accident I have my 'weed card' and I'm happy to share if you know what I mean... This common love of well... love, cannabis, and wine are the foundations of so much of this. It's how we bring out our common core of emotive inner selves while guiding the forces that dominate our cellular beings.

Practice is three times a week and not up for negotiation. If you can't commit don't bother. I have all the songs and most of the dance and pantomime worked out, and will provide you with sheet music and basic instruction for your dance moves (cannot leave, FYI!). We practice in my barn. It's not perfect but there's enough space and it's heated. We do one potluck dinner a week with practice. Everyone makes their own cannabis/wine creation for the rest to try. Practice is always the best this night, IMHO. In addition, and very important to put out there - We're also a very sexually open group and you must be as well. If you're married, it must be an open marriage or this probably won't work for you. But (and only for purposes of community and love) he or she can participate in the lovemaking sessions, but not the music for the number 13 must remain a constant for this to work.

We're going to start by creating a YouTube channel (once we have you of course) and filming our shows. I feel this is the best and most cost effective way to get us an audience. We will all share in the ad revenues from YouTube as they come in. I'm also going to start two other websites in which we will all also share in the revenues as they come in. One will be for the public and the other one lets just say will need a password. The first will be an exposé/blog piece that showcases us as individuals and our cannabis/wine creations. The second will be an adult site where I'll put up films of the lovemaking sessions that occur post practice. Again, part of this will involve you engaging sexually with other members of the group and in most cases multiple members at the same time. This will be tasteful and not trashy. Think 70's pornography and you'll be on the right track.

So if this sounds like you've finally found a home creatively, spiritually, musically, and sexually please reach out and provide via USPS (I'll send you the mailing address after receiving and email with intent) the following-

-Head shots and front and back nudes of you (and significant other if you have one)
-Brief biography
-Musical and or creative background, links to your playing
-Your shoe size and an expletive as to why you wish to join the group and how you'll serve us
-Twelve US pennies and one Canadian penny along with your rationale as to why I'm requesting this
-And a self addressed stamped envelope that I will use to inform you of your acceptance and or denial of entry

Look forward to your scent,

Johannes



Oh... and if this isn't for you and you happen to play hand percussion I'd like to hear from you too.

Thanks
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#9
xgator4u said:
""-Head shots and front and back nudes of you (and significant other if you have one)""

I have NEVER met, nor recall hearing of a Banjo player that
I would care to see
NUDE.:vomit::***::rollno:
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I have.

1346789152_emily-robison-lg.jpg
 
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#10
I'm confused…is that "lead" banjo, in the sense of "to lead," like a shredding lead guitar, or "lead" banjo in the sense of the dull, heavy metal?

Willing to wager that the presentability of the proposed sexual partner may vary accordingly...
 

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