Paul Anka rips his band [transpcript]:

[bassrique]

Old but still entertaining.

The phrases from this band meeting, "I slice like a hammer" and "Don't make a maniac out of me" were used by Al Pacino's villainous character Willy Bank in the film Ocean's 13.

The audio is NSFW and a TOS violation, so no sound from YouTube. Someone made a transcript recently and I hope I edited out all the expletives. ......OK, I reviewed it three times and think I have cut what needs to be cut. If I missed something, it's an honest mistake and please don't hammer slice me mods.

Mr. Anka: First order of business. No t-shirts on stage. Y’understand that? See the shirts that everybody’s wearing? Everybody pr… Where’s the, where’s the guy at the end, the new trombone player, who’s missing?

Someone: He weren’t wearing a t-shirt.

Mr. Anka: Yeah, I know. The other guy on the end had the t-shirt. T-shirts! Didn’t I say shirts?

Someone: Yep.

John: I thought he was covered.

Mr. Anka: You thought, you thought.. you thought, you thought 8 things tonight. You’re on ------- notice, John. I gave you a list, ya got half the list that I gave you – we’re choosing everything on it. OK? The guys get shirts. Don’t make a ------- maniac out of me. The guys get shirts. D’ya understand? We’re not going to be as strong as our weakest link! The guys get shirts. Y’understand that? This is like football, baseball, like anything else. The guys get shirts.

That’s Just. The -------. Way. It Is!

Your first start was getting your god------ list correct. So there’s no confusion. When I write something down it gets exactly that. Now what are we going to do about these cutoffs?

John: Uh, the “My Way” cutoffs? I’m kind of waiting for you, I usually . . .

Mr. Anka: What did we discuss at the last meeting? I was going to take “I’m not Anyone.” Is that correct? I was going to do that one, you’re gonna hold the quarter and cut it. Is that right?

John: Absolutely

Mr. Anka: All right, now what are we going to do about “My Way?” ‘Cuz I’m walking around, waitin’ and waitin’, and then you finally give it, and where was everybody cutting off with you?

John: I don’t know. Evidently they were watching you when they should have been watching me.

Mr. Anka: Wha..but you were doing it!

John: I did it.

Mr. Anka: What’s it going to be guys. Who’re you watchin’?

John: I’d suggest they watch me, I’ll watch you.

Mr. Anka: But you were the only one to watch!

John: Absolutely.

Mr. Anka: Let me ask you this. A pilot is in a plane when he’s landing, he not only looks at his instruments, but he looks at the ------- runway to make sure it’s there. What do you look at? Who’re you watching? Where were you guys on the end of “My Way?” Graham, what happened?

Graham: I was late because I usually watch you on that . . . and John . . .and, uh…I…

Mr. Anka: If I’m not doin’, if I’m not doing anything, and he throws… Do you remember the last meeting where I said a bow I’ll do to take it, to end it, except for “I’m Not Anyone,” I’ll give “I’m Not Anyone.” Do you remember that? If my arms aren’t up and he’s the only one why wouldn’t you take it from him? What is the confusion on these endings?

I don’t get it. I don’t get it. D’ya understand that?

What’s it going to be, guys? You want ------- Vinny Falcone in front? Do you want me to go up and get a conductor that’ll sit and ride your asses? Is that what you want? D’ya want your jobs? Where’s Joe?

I tell ya I want the band. D’ya understand that? I want the ------- band. OK? There is a lot of loose **** going on and I’m telling you you guys are on thin ice. All right? I’m telling you right now. And when I ------- move I slice like a ------- hammer. You’ve seen it and I’ll do it again. When I tell you the band you better look and make sure everybody’s here when you walk in this room. I will not put up with this ****. D’ya understand that?

That’s Just. The -------. Way. It Is!

Every one of your ------- checks cash with the amount on it. Do any of your checks bounce? Do you all get full value on your money? I want full value on your ------- service. Do you hear me? D’ya understand that?

You guys have three ------- days to get it together. All of you head of your departments. OK? The “Light and Times of your Life” – what is that blue doing over there on all the way to the middle and then you shut it off. What is that all about?

Light Guy: That was a ----up.

Mr. Anka: That was a ----up. I, I see that again, you’re gone with the rest of them. Is that clear?
Light Guy: Mmm Hmm.

Mr. Anka: That’s just the way it is around here. D’ya understand that? That’s how ------- crucial this is. You have nothing to do but watch to see if one special is on and the, if the film is on, correct? You have nothing else to worry about with those lights. That whole thing was washing out that film.

You will straighten out this god---- cutoffs John.

John: Absolutely.

Mr. Anka: D’ya understand? You will get it straight.

I’m the only important one on that stage.

John: I know it.

Mr. Anka: Do you guys have any to add to this, can you help him out? You guys have, can you add to this, the confusion? Can you give us some intelligent input here? What is your problem?

I’m warning you, I’m the only important one on that stage. D’ya understand that?

Do you want him to lose his job? Do you? Then put me some ------- knowledge in here! Tell me what’s wrong! He’s the only one with his hands up and he cuts off. Now give me some intelligent ------- answers. Who’re you watching? Go ahead.

Someone: Well I have an idea.

Mr. Anka: I don’t want an idea, I want to know what went wrong and I wanta know how to fix it.

Graham: Well that was on me. [blah blah] From now on I’ll definitely take it from John. It won’t happen again. Absolutely.

Mr. Anka: Where’s Joe?

Now guys I’m giving you all one week to get this together. OK? I’m giving you one week. To play that music the way it’s supposed to be played. I’m giving everybody one week. Everybody’s got one week to do it right. ‘Cuz I’m in my form right now. If you guys are not going to come up and support me with the enthusiasm I’ve got for it, it ain’t gonna work. I’m the only important one on that stage…and you are letting me down. D’ya understand that?

I don’t get it. I don’t get it. D’ya understand that? And the only satisfaction I’m going to get is to ream your ------- asses like the coach of a ball team or any god---- business till you get it. D’ya understand that? Because if you don’t feel embarrassed about it, then you have no conscious, you got no heart you got no integrity. D’ya understand that? Then all you do is you take the ------- money and you’ve got no substance, remember that. People of substance and character care about what the ---- they do and they fix it. OK? And I think that you’re working with me because I think that’s the way you are. And I don’t pull any punches with you guys. I am telling you that his job is on thin ice. And you know how fast I move.

I don’t care if you’re a light man, a production manager, an agent or a theater owner like last night – you understand? I have a new philosophy. I don’t care if it’s Jesus Christ. I’m the only important one on that stage. If you don’t do it my way, then it’s the highway. Things go the way they’re supposed to, properly with integrity, or no one is ------- dispensable and you all ------- can go.

I’m the only important one on that stage. You understand that? It’s just the kick that I’m on, the mood that I’m on. I don’t care if the promoter is the theater, I don’t care if it’s C. J. Powell.

Is that fair enough? I’m warning you. Is that good enough, for all of you? I’m on that kind of an integrity kick. If you really don’t care step forward. You’ll finish up the rest of the tour and then you’re gone.

Now we’re all important in the totality. You don’t care like I care, I don’t need you guys to take my money. Just like that guy last night, that ------- up my crew and we’re short labor – I lost out 20 or 30 ------- thousand dollars because my crew got ------. D’ya understand? You understand where I’m coming from with integrity?

You guys better have the same thing. Because you’re all replaceable. D’you all like your jobs? D’you want your jobs? Do you?

Now you better protect this(?), so that happens again, he does not have that job again. You understand? You better make it right.

If you don’t do the job, you’re gone. And that goes for everybody. And that’s Just. The -------. Way. It is!!

Because you got it too good!! And as long as you got it good, you gotta make it good. Get it ------- right. That’s just the way it is around here.

D’you hear me? D’you understand that?

Don’t make a ------- maniac out of me!!

Where’s Joe?

 

[Darkstrike]

Hah!

 

[peabody]

I'm not sure why anyone would want to have his baby...

 

[lbanks]

I wonder if he's hiring?

 

[RTL]

Hahaha. That's hilarious!

Reminds me of a certain Nashville-based songwriter I used to work for... Before I told her to cram it and quit

 

[lunarpollen]

It's funny how he feels like he has to be like that. Duke Ellington would have disagreed.

 

[Ed Fuqua]

Do we know if Joe ever turned up? I'm getting worried...

 

[b_carville]

Hellfire by Nick Tosches is a biography of Jerry Lee Lewis.

There's a great segment about Jerry Lee & Paul Anka touring Australia in the late 50's.

You'll love it!

 

[5StringBlues]

lol @ Fuqua.




Those guys got off easy.

Find the Buddy Rich rants.

 

[lousybassplayer]

Do we know if Joe ever turned up? I'm getting worried...

filled with win.

 

[king_biscuit]

In all fairness, we don't know how much crap and dumbassity he has had to put up with from his band/crew... The guys may have had it coming!

 

[Blueszilla]

Well, I just hope they all understood...

 

[nortonrider]

"I’m the only important one on that stage."


Sounds like a fun job!

 

[Shovelbone]

Do we know if Joe ever turned up? I'm getting worried...

He was probably standing outside the stage door listening and made the conscious decision to remain missing.

 

[JPaulGeddy]

Find the Buddy Rich rants

X

Those are awesome. This is pretty damn good too, though.

 

[MNAirHead]

Welcome to Commercial Music --- this is kind of the way many folks say "good morning"

It is different when you understand how dim the spotlight really is and how short the calendar is.. Most guys who get it understand how tough it is to sell the CD or shirt.

There is a threshold when they know there are 50 people better waiting for your spot.
T.

 

[Ed Fuqua]

Find the Buddy Rich rants.

It was making the rounds for awhile, I'm sure you could find it with an assiduous SEARCH - somebody took a recording of (probably the Basie) big band recording of the Neal Hefti tune and arrangement CUTE and dubbed in pieces from the Buddy "rant" tape in the drum breaks (instead of the drum break). Pretty freaking funny.


" I know, I just like hearing it...."

 

[DeluxeRed]

Yeah, I don't get it. You have a good gig with a known name who's been in the biz for 50 years...why wouldn't you do exactly what he wants? If the band hadn't screwed-up, then they wouldn't be getting chewed out, huh?

You bet he's the only important one on the stage! No one buys tickets to see Paul Anka's Band, and he can sell it doing it solo.

So, I go along with "How bad to you have to screw up to make someone so ballistic?" It's his name on the marquee, and they blew an ending and left him embarrassed? I think he should fire the whole lot of 'em, so they're getting off easy. This is pop music, not rocket science, and they can bloody well get it right. And if they can't take it, they can take a hike and go dig ditches or sumptin'.

 

[svtb15]

I think Joe told Paul to go #*&$ himself

 

[Ed Fuqua]

Yeah, I don't get it. You have a good gig with a known name who's been in the biz for 50 years...why wouldn't you do exactly what he wants? If the band hadn't screwed-up, then they wouldn't be getting chewed out, huh?

You bet he's the only important one on the stage! No one buys tickets to see Paul Anka's Band, and he can sell it doing it solo.

So, I go along with "How bad to you have to screw up to make someone so ballistic?" It's his name on the marquee, and they blew an ending and left him embarrassed? I think he should fire the whole lot of 'em, so they're getting off easy. This is pop music, not rocket science, and they can bloody well get it right. And if they can't take it, they can take a hike and go dig ditches or sumptin'.

There's a great Sid Casear story - he's onstage in NYC one night and all his stuff is bombing, everybody's sitting on their hands not a laugh to be heard. Backstage Sid is ripping into his manager, the band's off, the drummer's terrible and not catching anything, fire him and get somebody else for tomorrow.
The manager knows what the deal is and knows that the drummer is a pro, so he doesn't do anything. Sure enough, the next night with a different audience, EVERYTHING kills, Sid can barely get off the stage. Backstage he grabs his manager and says "Tell the new drummer the gig is his, he's f**king GREAT!"
And of course it's the same drummer.

So, sure, Paul's the most important guy on the stage and everybody's coming to see him. But that doesn't preclude him from acting like an ass for no good reason. Power corrupts and petty power corrupts pettily.