Here are the characters that recur; please add to them if I have missed anything.. Another thread sparked this.. I found it humorous.. Let's assume you need to have been in a few bands/playing out for at least a few years/toured to know some of the below.. but you never know..
[please note this is meant to be both truthful and humorous.. if your skin is thin.. or you don't have a sense of humor.. then you might get offended by this--this is why I am posting this.. read this carefully.. in "THE BASS HUMOR" section.. the bands I am in now have VERY LITTLE of these characteristics.. almost none of them.. and I love my current bands]
1) the guitarist that does not do homework.. shows up and can hardly play songs.. or maybe only knows the new stuff agreed upon.. he'll nail the new songs.. but pull up some older songs.. and he is in the wrong key.. the guy practices only every so often.. usually a practice or show is his only motivation.
2) the stoner.. the guy smokes weed beyond moderation.. lectures people.. spends 10x the time TALKING about the band (vs playing) and its "plans..." or "takeover of the local scene..." The ideas go from one to the next.. "Let's do Foghat.." then later "Dude.. let's not do Foghat.." then "Let's do Lady Gaga.." followed by "Let's do the Moody BLues.. what?? orchestra?? so what.. I can play the violin parts on my guitar, man.."
3) the moody person... the guy is happy.. then unhappy.. hard to get along with.. why? because he's "an artist.." or just a prick.. (usually this guy is nice when he's a #2 and high.. )
4) The "cool guy.." who is "too cool to play that one song, dude..." or "no way we're playing Jessie's Girl.. every band does that..." the guy adds in Fuel songs, etc.. that clear a dance floor like a bomb goes off, yet keeps demanding the band play either old/obscure songs people can't dance to/know.. or plays songs only he/she already happens to know (even if it happens to be Green Day songs like "When I Come Around..." or Him songs that people vaguely knew in 1991..)
5) The guy with the gear.. the guy who holds a band together or breaks the band up.. demands extra money for shows because he's bought the gear, lights, etc.. and transports it.. and he's right.. I agree.. he deserves more money for the extra work. sometimes, this guy demands you help with the gear before and after the show.. that's fair also.. but it can create/stir sh_t up in a band..
6) the drunk.... the guy who can hardly walk at night's end and cannot do the solo from Back in Black or You Shook Me because he's so hammered.. you look at the side of his stage and you see 7+ beer bottles.. and realize the waitress has likely already cleared his area at least once.. Applies to drummers that start the wrong songs..
7) the website/flyer/bookin guy/gal.. the person who gets all the shows, or most of them.. and pushes things along.. sometimes this person is quiet.. but dedicates more time to a band than anyone can fathom..
8) "The Parent.." yes, the parent.. the guy who constantly talks about his kids being the priority (as they should be, but please shut up.. we get it.. ) the guy who continually bails on practices, etc because his kid has a pinewood derby, soccer game, etc.. the guy who can't learn new songs, etc.. because "Dude, I have kids.. they come first.." to which I reply, "then why the f_ck are you in a band???? go play soccer with your kids and we'll get someone who's into this..." the guy shows up late for shows, practices, because "my wife had to work late.." etc, etc, etc, etc.. when the other band members practice, show up on time.. and endure endless hours about the guy talking about his kids.. (if this guy is divorced, for whatever reasons. it complicates things even worse.. with multiple families, etc).
9) The Texter.. usually a drummer, because he's sitting down.. the guy who cannot avoid texting and has his phone glued to his _ss... even during live shows, he's texting away, facebooking, etc.. he often feels his phone vibrating when it doesn't.. and generally places his phone near his crotch so he can get sexually excited when his friends text him with "OMG, RAMLAFO>ASDADASDLK" etc.
10) Ther Rejecter... the guy in a band who's "too cool" or unavailable to do this show, that show.. or that song.. and continually rejects show offers because it's too far, the pay is not enough, and is always b_tching about the shows the other members are booking.. generally a guitarist, but I've heard about quite a few bassists that are like this..
11) The Singer.. the guy who decides it all.. if he or she is bad.. the band may as well pack it up.. because ppl can't get past bad vox.. or someone who can't work the crowd.. this is really what breaks most bands up.. either people are too nice and live with bad vox, pick songs that make the singer sound bad.. or the singer forces the band to pick only songs he/she can comfortably sing.. narrowing down variety.. if you don't talk to this person honestly, bad habits linger for months.. like reading lyrics live.. cursing between songs.. drinking a beer between songs, thanking the wrong club (it's happened), or just being off pitch.. if you see people holding their ears during vox, there’s a problem..
12) The Cover Band Snob--the guy/gal who's in a cover band and scoffs at how cover bands are "cheesy.." etc.. and look down on cover band shows.. while their own original bands' shows are usually for free, etc.. sometimes, these guys move on to HUGE original bands.. my problem is.. don't rip the cover band while you play in one..
13) The Accurist..: I like this guy, though.. I am like him also.. the guy who wants people to play parts EXACTLY like on records... and points this fact out to people.. this can, however, be taken to a level of absurdity.. where a guy is explaining the pauses and "nuances" in Hard to Handle by the Black Crowes... or Small Things... or Laid.. by JAmes..
14) "I'll be Late..": the guy who is late always.. even if by 5 minutes.. (or an hour+).. whether it is traffic, etc.. I was in a band with a singer who was always late.. and all he carried was his mic and stand.. he was late for shows.. practices, we ended up firing him because it got so bad. Such a great singer too.. he showed up at the wrong club once also.. then called us.. wanting to know if the show was given to a different band.. I think he was a bit of a #2 with the marijuana, which might explain it..
15) The "Any Song will do Well if We Do it Well" guy: a guy who thinks you can play Slayer, Metallica, and anything at a club with women and expect them to dance.. from Taking Back Sunday to other obscure stuff that is popular, yet hardly known by people that go to bars.. Fuel, etc.. same deal.. the guy thinks it does not matter if people don't dance.. (yet doesn't do the booking or get shows).
16) Wannabe Bar Owner Strategist: a guy/gal who thinks he or she knows how to run a bar better than the owner.. (and likely does), and insists on telling the owner ideas.. "get rid of the cover.." .. "mark up your drinks..." etc.. the owner always says, "Yeah.. I can think about that.." rarely does either party know how to run a bar.. sometimes, good relationships are forged.. I have collaborated with bar owners on ideas.. some have worked and others have not.. but generally, an owner is NOT interested in a band's ideas as to running the bar.. right or wrong.. but I have played with people that profusely feel the need to give ideas to management/owners at night's end (instead of loading out).
17) the Classified Ad guy..: the guy/gal who posts classified ads all the time for starting up a band.. even often under aliases.. over a period of many years.. a revolving door for whatever reason.. whether cover or original.. everyone has seen this/heard about it.. a guy who just is always posting ads to either join a band.. or start on.. and sometimes these guys are GREAT players..
18) The Incompetent Bar Owner: the guy/gal whose club stinks, is dirty.. and you fear using the bathroom even to wash your hands.. the owner expects bands to magically bring entire crowds of 80+ people to every show.. never promotes bands.. charges a cover.. and no matter how many people come to the club you hear "man, the night was slow.." from the bar owner.. you talk to other bands in the area and hear he/she tells THEM the same story.. and has the same expectations (bring the ENTIRE crowd without an ounce of promoting the club/cleaning it). Usually this club has serious electrical problems also..
19) The Mystery Guitarist.. is he great? or does he suck??-- the person who can shred.. play Eruption, Rush, other stuff.. suspended chords.. even knows theory.. but live can't do solos from Talk Dirty to Me.. or chord progressions in Motley Crue songs..
20) Bedroom player... the guy/gal who is great on youtube.. GREAT.. but somehow live just doesn't "groove" or play well with bands..
21) The guy with bad gear... -- like a pair of underwear with holes in it (the gear).. the guy whose gear is literally on its last legs.. and it's starting to get noticeable live.. like tubes failing.. strings breaking constantly (due to cheap strings/ bad setup)... amp cutting in and out.. the person sometimes refuses to get rid of that gear or at least get it repaired.. drummers with ductape on their cymbals which sound "short" .. generally some of the best players in the area also..
22) The person in denial/who cares..: the person who replies to this thread with "I must be lucky," etc "I don't have this.." etc.. that's like going through a McDonald's drive thru without ordering anything, saying, "Hi, nothing for me, thanks.." and then driving off (yet having waited 20+ minutes in line to do so). Or it would also be like replying to a Markbass amp question thread, and I've seen this on talkbass, with, "Nope, .. I don't have that amp.."
[please note this is meant to be both truthful and humorous.. if your skin is thin.. or you don't have a sense of humor.. then you might get offended by this--this is why I am posting this.. read this carefully.. in "THE BASS HUMOR" section.. the bands I am in now have VERY LITTLE of these characteristics.. almost none of them.. and I love my current bands]
1) the guitarist that does not do homework.. shows up and can hardly play songs.. or maybe only knows the new stuff agreed upon.. he'll nail the new songs.. but pull up some older songs.. and he is in the wrong key.. the guy practices only every so often.. usually a practice or show is his only motivation.
2) the stoner.. the guy smokes weed beyond moderation.. lectures people.. spends 10x the time TALKING about the band (vs playing) and its "plans..." or "takeover of the local scene..." The ideas go from one to the next.. "Let's do Foghat.." then later "Dude.. let's not do Foghat.." then "Let's do Lady Gaga.." followed by "Let's do the Moody BLues.. what?? orchestra?? so what.. I can play the violin parts on my guitar, man.."
3) the moody person... the guy is happy.. then unhappy.. hard to get along with.. why? because he's "an artist.." or just a prick.. (usually this guy is nice when he's a #2 and high.. )
4) The "cool guy.." who is "too cool to play that one song, dude..." or "no way we're playing Jessie's Girl.. every band does that..." the guy adds in Fuel songs, etc.. that clear a dance floor like a bomb goes off, yet keeps demanding the band play either old/obscure songs people can't dance to/know.. or plays songs only he/she already happens to know (even if it happens to be Green Day songs like "When I Come Around..." or Him songs that people vaguely knew in 1991..)
5) The guy with the gear.. the guy who holds a band together or breaks the band up.. demands extra money for shows because he's bought the gear, lights, etc.. and transports it.. and he's right.. I agree.. he deserves more money for the extra work. sometimes, this guy demands you help with the gear before and after the show.. that's fair also.. but it can create/stir sh_t up in a band..
6) the drunk.... the guy who can hardly walk at night's end and cannot do the solo from Back in Black or You Shook Me because he's so hammered.. you look at the side of his stage and you see 7+ beer bottles.. and realize the waitress has likely already cleared his area at least once.. Applies to drummers that start the wrong songs..
7) the website/flyer/bookin guy/gal.. the person who gets all the shows, or most of them.. and pushes things along.. sometimes this person is quiet.. but dedicates more time to a band than anyone can fathom..
8) "The Parent.." yes, the parent.. the guy who constantly talks about his kids being the priority (as they should be, but please shut up.. we get it.. ) the guy who continually bails on practices, etc because his kid has a pinewood derby, soccer game, etc.. the guy who can't learn new songs, etc.. because "Dude, I have kids.. they come first.." to which I reply, "then why the f_ck are you in a band???? go play soccer with your kids and we'll get someone who's into this..." the guy shows up late for shows, practices, because "my wife had to work late.." etc, etc, etc, etc.. when the other band members practice, show up on time.. and endure endless hours about the guy talking about his kids.. (if this guy is divorced, for whatever reasons. it complicates things even worse.. with multiple families, etc).
9) The Texter.. usually a drummer, because he's sitting down.. the guy who cannot avoid texting and has his phone glued to his _ss... even during live shows, he's texting away, facebooking, etc.. he often feels his phone vibrating when it doesn't.. and generally places his phone near his crotch so he can get sexually excited when his friends text him with "OMG, RAMLAFO>ASDADASDLK" etc.
10) Ther Rejecter... the guy in a band who's "too cool" or unavailable to do this show, that show.. or that song.. and continually rejects show offers because it's too far, the pay is not enough, and is always b_tching about the shows the other members are booking.. generally a guitarist, but I've heard about quite a few bassists that are like this..
11) The Singer.. the guy who decides it all.. if he or she is bad.. the band may as well pack it up.. because ppl can't get past bad vox.. or someone who can't work the crowd.. this is really what breaks most bands up.. either people are too nice and live with bad vox, pick songs that make the singer sound bad.. or the singer forces the band to pick only songs he/she can comfortably sing.. narrowing down variety.. if you don't talk to this person honestly, bad habits linger for months.. like reading lyrics live.. cursing between songs.. drinking a beer between songs, thanking the wrong club (it's happened), or just being off pitch.. if you see people holding their ears during vox, there’s a problem..
12) The Cover Band Snob--the guy/gal who's in a cover band and scoffs at how cover bands are "cheesy.." etc.. and look down on cover band shows.. while their own original bands' shows are usually for free, etc.. sometimes, these guys move on to HUGE original bands.. my problem is.. don't rip the cover band while you play in one..
13) The Accurist..: I like this guy, though.. I am like him also.. the guy who wants people to play parts EXACTLY like on records... and points this fact out to people.. this can, however, be taken to a level of absurdity.. where a guy is explaining the pauses and "nuances" in Hard to Handle by the Black Crowes... or Small Things... or Laid.. by JAmes..
14) "I'll be Late..": the guy who is late always.. even if by 5 minutes.. (or an hour+).. whether it is traffic, etc.. I was in a band with a singer who was always late.. and all he carried was his mic and stand.. he was late for shows.. practices, we ended up firing him because it got so bad. Such a great singer too.. he showed up at the wrong club once also.. then called us.. wanting to know if the show was given to a different band.. I think he was a bit of a #2 with the marijuana, which might explain it..
15) The "Any Song will do Well if We Do it Well" guy: a guy who thinks you can play Slayer, Metallica, and anything at a club with women and expect them to dance.. from Taking Back Sunday to other obscure stuff that is popular, yet hardly known by people that go to bars.. Fuel, etc.. same deal.. the guy thinks it does not matter if people don't dance.. (yet doesn't do the booking or get shows).
16) Wannabe Bar Owner Strategist: a guy/gal who thinks he or she knows how to run a bar better than the owner.. (and likely does), and insists on telling the owner ideas.. "get rid of the cover.." .. "mark up your drinks..." etc.. the owner always says, "Yeah.. I can think about that.." rarely does either party know how to run a bar.. sometimes, good relationships are forged.. I have collaborated with bar owners on ideas.. some have worked and others have not.. but generally, an owner is NOT interested in a band's ideas as to running the bar.. right or wrong.. but I have played with people that profusely feel the need to give ideas to management/owners at night's end (instead of loading out).
17) the Classified Ad guy..: the guy/gal who posts classified ads all the time for starting up a band.. even often under aliases.. over a period of many years.. a revolving door for whatever reason.. whether cover or original.. everyone has seen this/heard about it.. a guy who just is always posting ads to either join a band.. or start on.. and sometimes these guys are GREAT players..
18) The Incompetent Bar Owner: the guy/gal whose club stinks, is dirty.. and you fear using the bathroom even to wash your hands.. the owner expects bands to magically bring entire crowds of 80+ people to every show.. never promotes bands.. charges a cover.. and no matter how many people come to the club you hear "man, the night was slow.." from the bar owner.. you talk to other bands in the area and hear he/she tells THEM the same story.. and has the same expectations (bring the ENTIRE crowd without an ounce of promoting the club/cleaning it). Usually this club has serious electrical problems also..
19) The Mystery Guitarist.. is he great? or does he suck??-- the person who can shred.. play Eruption, Rush, other stuff.. suspended chords.. even knows theory.. but live can't do solos from Talk Dirty to Me.. or chord progressions in Motley Crue songs..
20) Bedroom player... the guy/gal who is great on youtube.. GREAT.. but somehow live just doesn't "groove" or play well with bands..
21) The guy with bad gear... -- like a pair of underwear with holes in it (the gear).. the guy whose gear is literally on its last legs.. and it's starting to get noticeable live.. like tubes failing.. strings breaking constantly (due to cheap strings/ bad setup)... amp cutting in and out.. the person sometimes refuses to get rid of that gear or at least get it repaired.. drummers with ductape on their cymbals which sound "short" .. generally some of the best players in the area also..
22) The person in denial/who cares..: the person who replies to this thread with "I must be lucky," etc "I don't have this.." etc.. that's like going through a McDonald's drive thru without ordering anything, saying, "Hi, nothing for me, thanks.." and then driving off (yet having waited 20+ minutes in line to do so). Or it would also be like replying to a Markbass amp question thread, and I've seen this on talkbass, with, "Nope, .. I don't have that amp.."
