How to be Doom Metal Incarnate.
1. Remember: Life is too short to experience all that is good.
2. Remember: Life is too long to to enjoy living.
3. Every Day Is A Funeral.
4. Do not wear anything but flat black clothes and combat boots.
5. Do not smile.
6. Do not laugh.
7. No matter what anyone says, you are not just listening to slow Death Metal.
8. No, doom metal is not death metal with a violin.
9. No matter what anyone says, that vocalist is not the Cookie Monster.
10. I said "No laughing!!!"
11. No matter what anyone says, you're not a Goth.
12. While a black teddy bear with a broken heart, hanging from a noose on your windshield may very well symbolize your tortured inner nature, it's not very metal.
13. It is acceptable to listen to non-doomy music, only if you play it at 1/4 of its normal tempo.
14. You may complain about an album's production unless it is a Thergothon release.
15. You will own Thergothon's 'Stream From The Heavens', but never listen to it because of the bad sound quality.
16. Spend years looking for that extreemly rare limited to 500 copies vinyl only release that you must own, just to listen to it twice upon getting it.
17. You must never admit to liking a "fast part" on a doom CD, unless it is Disembowelment.
18. Watch incomperihecable cult movies with no plot, storyline or anything remotely interesting happening, just because "it's doomy!".
19. You can make fun of Nazis unless the said Nazi is ****ed up Mad Max. Then you can overlook his beliefs because his "music was good".
20. Your favorite bands' imagery must contain one of the following things: Ruins, spirits in agony, a cemetary sculpture of an angel, or a pretty painting of heaven...
21. But you're not a Goth!
22. As a Doomster, you're too apathetic to engage in silly music genre debates.
23. Unless someone calls you Gothic, then it's on.
24. Always let your goat listen first to a new cd, so she may consider if it's good or bad for you.
25. Kitty cats are not appropriate pets unless they're black, and often depressed.
26. You must appreciate all releases from a Big Three band as manna from heaven, even if said band begins playing traditional polka; whereupon you must delude yourself into thinking that polka is suddenly dark, emotional and "...really doomier than Serenades, when you think about it."
27. Consider yourself openminded about music.
28. Consider all other metal narrow-minded, especially "True Norwegian Black Metal!"
29. Ignore the contradiction of the above two rules.
30. If you're a traditional doom fan, you must complain endlessly about My Dying Bride, and call all the non-trad fans "Gothic Fags." Also complain about Droning doom because it's not music.
31. If you're a Doom/Death fan, you must complain endlessly about Droning Doom because it's even slower and more boring than what you listen to. Also complain about trad-doom because half the vocalists sound like they've been castrated.
32. If you're a fan of Droning Doom, you're probably too busy zoning on the droning to be reading this list, or to even care.
33. If someone says Doom-Metal is a mix between Death-Metal and Gothic-Metal, kick him in the nuts.
34. Unless you're fixated on an Earth CD at the time, then you probably didn't hear a word he just said.
35. If you find yourself describing your favorite piece of music as "Joyful," "A bright ray of sunshine," or "the super happy fun song," there's a slight chance that it's not Doom.
36. Appropriate ways to describe your favorite music include "Crushing," "Monolithic," "Depressive," and "Suicidal."
37. Yes, those *are* complimentary terms!
38. If you feel down, then listen to some truly soul crushing, suicidal doom to cheer you up.
39. If you are Doom, you are probably from Finland.
40. Even if you're not Doom, if you're from Finland, you're still doomier than most doom from other countries.
41. If you're in a band, make music that only sounds good when played 10x faster.
42. If there are more than 30 beats per minute, the music is too fast.
43. If you play anything above 30 bpm, you aren't true doom, unless you are Disembowelment.
44. If Skepticism suddenly decides to play something above 30 bpm, then we will make an exception for them too.
45. Make sure to include such words as "Emptiness," "Dying," "Solitude," "Cold," "Night," "Despair," "Demon," "Caress," "Darkness," and "Shadows" in your band name, song titles, and lyrics. Arrange them in faux poetic ways such as "In the Cold Demon's Caress, I lay Dying," "Dark Emptiness," "In Demonic Shadows, I Despair." "Empty Shadows of Death," and one that every True Doomster should relate to: "Nights of Solitude."
46. Only the first two albums of a band are True(TM) doom.
47. Disband after the first album or mini-cd and you're CULT!
48. Your songs are not necissarily instrumentals... but you should give your audience at least 3 minutes worth of music to ponder if perhaps any given song will turn out to be one.
49. Record 6 songs that span over the length of 2 full CDs. Obviously intro's, outro's and short intermezzo's (on both disks) are included in the song count.
50. You must make fun of Black Metal musicians taking pictures in the woods. Promptly afterwards you will have your bandmate follow you into a thicket by the local cemetary with a 35mm camera for "band shots".
51. True doom lyrical content must include references to: a relative/spouse/fiancee/pet dying, abstract explorations of getting dumped by your girlfriend, or H.P. Lovecraft's short stories.
52. If you reference all three of the above topics in a single song, you qualify for "Sooper Dooper Pooper Scooper True Cult Doom" status. An example of this would be: "Rover has passed into the frozen wastes of Kadath, and my heart has been rent from my ribcage by thee, temptress bitch."
53. There have to be at least 3 different songs with the same name in your repertoire. (You may put a number after it if you want, such as "Rover, My Temptress Bitch MXVIII.")
54. While practicing your death metal "Cookie Monster" vocals, resist the temptation to write songs about how much the chocolate chips long to join the sugary dough for one last dip into the pond of milk white purity before being thrown into the gaping maw of a ravenous muppet.
55. Most importantly, and I can't stress this enough: Be from Finland!
