The Heckler Thread - your best ones!

[mid_life_crisis]

Beaky Buzzard, eh?
I think I would make sure the band knew "The I-95 Song", more commonly known as "The a$$h0le Song".

Well I was drivin' down I-95 the other night.
Somebody nearly cut me right off the road.
I decided it wasn't gonna do any good to get mad.
So I wrote a song about him instead.
It goes like this...

Were you born an a$$h0le?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
'cause you're an a$$h0le tonight.

Yes you're an A S S H O L E...
And don't you try to blame it on me.
You deserve all the credit.
You're an a$$h0le tonight.

You were an a$$h0le yesterday.
You're an a$$h0le tonight.
And I've got a feelin'
you'll be an a$$h0le the rest of your life.

And I was talkin' to your mother
just the other night.
I told her I thought you were an a$$h0le.
She said, "Yes. I think you're right."

And all your friends are ********
'cause you've known them your whole life.
And somebody told me
you've got an a$$h0le for a wife.

Were you born an a$$h0le?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
'cause you're an aaaass...hole tonight.

 

[capnsandwich]

I don't know if this is considered heckling or not but during an outdoor festival, some big, heavy set black guy came up to the stage during a guitar solo (our old guitarist was phenomenal so he got a lot of attention during solos) and started talking to him right during our set, asking him to play on his CD that he was getting ready to record. He handed him his card and everything, right during a solo. The same guy, who never left the stage until our set was done, started talking to me during a semi-funky slap bass quicky solo I did, saying stuff like "You sure you're white?" and "My man's laying it down!". After our set he came up and gave me the same offer as he did the guitarist. The keyboard player said he got a card too. I never called the guy.

 

[Jim Campbell]

Beaky Buzzard, eh?
I think I would make sure the band knew "The I-95 Song", more commonly known as "The a$$h0le Song".

Well I was drivin' down I-95 the other night.
Somebody nearly cut me right off the road.
I decided it wasn't gonna do any good to get mad.
So I wrote a song about him instead.
It goes like this...

Were you born an a$$h0le?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
'cause you're an a$$h0le tonight.

Yes you're an A S S H O L E...
And don't you try to blame it on me.
You deserve all the credit.
You're an a$$h0le tonight.

You were an a$$h0le yesterday.
You're an a$$h0le tonight.
And I've got a feelin'
you'll be an a$$h0le the rest of your life.

And I was talkin' to your mother
just the other night.
I told her I thought you were an a$$h0le.
She said, "Yes. I think you're right."

And all your friends are ********
'cause you've known them your whole life.
And somebody told me
you've got an a$$h0le for a wife.

Were you born an a$$h0le?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
'cause you're an aaaass...hole tonight.

takes ya back don't it.....i can hazily recall many drunken renditions of that,as well as david allan coe's immortal "you never even called me by my name"......nickle beer nights at the schooner on a1a....rip willy d

 

[Mike M.]

Heckler stories, but I'd also like to hear if anyone has any good comebacks.

Heckler: "YOU SUCK!!!"

Me: "Hey, pal. When you're greeting people at Wal-Mart do I walk up to you and scream "YOU SUCK?"

 

[lindseyp]

. ...when you play in a club in a town whose primary industry is welfare ... and many family trees are more shrublike...

That's the funniest line I've read all day!!!

 

[GrooveWarrior]

Heckler: "YOU SUCK!!!"

Me: "Hey, pal. When you're greeting people at Wal-Mart do I walk up to you and scream "YOU SUCK?"

That might be the lamest comeback I've ever heard, and would probably only cause more heckling.

 

[steveksux]

My standard response to any heckler: "Hey...I'm trying to work up here! You don't see me coming to your place of business and ****ing with the Slurpee machine, do ya?!?"

Riis

I have a similar one I'm a little afraid to try. Always wanted to say "Hey, you don't see me coming to your job and complaining about your gag reflex"...

Not sure I'll get out of that one without a fight....

Randy

 

[MarkusBass]

Heckler stories, but I'd also like to hear if anyone has any good comebacks.

During a gig this guy came up on stage and knocked a pitcher of beer over on my rig and bent my input plug Then during another song in the same set, he came up and started hitting the congas, while my drummer was playing them I couldn't stop playing, so I put my boot in is chest and kicked him off the stage He slid across the dance floor on his butt, and got up and stumbled out of the club

 

[Jim Campbell]

During a gig this guy came up on stage and knocked a pitcher of beer over on my rig and bent my input plug Then during another song in the same set, he came up and started hitting the congas, while my drummer was playing them I couldn't stop playing, so I put my boot in is chest and kicked him off the stage He slid across the dance floor on his butt, and got up and stumbled out of the club

now thats a good comeback.....

 

[Zooberwerx]

During a gig this guy came up on stage and knocked a pitcher of beer over on my rig and bent my input plug Then during another song in the same set, he came up and started hitting the congas, while my drummer was playing them I couldn't stop playing, so I put my boot in is chest and kicked him off the stage He slid across the dance floor on his butt, and got up and stumbled out of the club

Interestingly enough, if trouble walks up on stage, all anybody has to do is give a "come hither" wave-of-the-hand. Within about 5 seconds, music stops, instruments hit the stands, and a gang of 4 addresses the "issue".

Riis

 

[MarkusBass]

I'm not a violent guy at all, but gotta do what you gotta do!

 

[Third Basser]

I'm trying to think of good band heckler stories, but I do know I heckled my share of comedians. I saw Howie Mandel at the CA state fair after spending some quality time in the wine tasting booth, and I kept yelling "where's your HAND BAG?" like when he used to do his stand-up routine and had that stupid handbag shaped like a hand. Howie had no comeback, he just looked over at me but tried to ignore me. and then when Carrot Top performed there...I wish I can remember what ridiculous diarrhea came out of my mouth, but I know that I almost got thrown out.

 

[delta7fred]

Our singer is pretty quick on the replies. Here are just a couple that I remember.

Girl - Play something I know
Singer - If I knew what songs you know I would be a clairvoyant not a singer.

Another Girl - Do you play any Brittany Spears?
Singer - Do we even look like we know any Brittany Spears*.

*We are all male, in our late 50s, and are generally suffering hair loss and weight gain. We play mainly 60s and 70s covers.

 

[totallyfrozen]

During a gig this guy came up on stage and knocked a pitcher of beer over on my rig and bent my input plug Then during another song in the same set, he came up and started hitting the congas, while my drummer was playing them I couldn't stop playing, so I put my boot in is chest and kicked him off the stage He slid across the dance floor on his butt, and got up and stumbled out of the club

Hey, bouncer! Hellooooooo...bouncer! Where the F is the bouncer?! A little help up here? Hello? Helloooooo...bouncer!

You shouldn't have to deal with that onstage. :scowl:

 

[MarkusBass]

No kidding! Oh well...I'll never forget it.

 

[Chopper]

Drunk guy in crowd: PLAY FREEBIRD!!!

Entire band flips the guy off Heres four of them!


Heckler: What did you do with the money?

Bass Player" what money?

Heckler: The Money for singing lessons!!

Bass Player: I gave it to your mother for a B@#$ Job.

 

[PJSShearer]

A Lady singer I once worked with was getting a hard time from a "Lady" in the audience. :

"I'm trying to work here!, how would you like it if I came round and put your red light out?".

 

[BassChuck]

In the 80's when Madonna was at the height of her career, I was playing in a wedding band. We had the usual mix of things, mostly older songs and standards, but very few 'top 10' songs. A very snotty young girl (like about 14-15 years old) and the exchange went like this:

Girl: Hey, Hey! HEY!!!! can you play "Like A Virgin"?

guitar player: Oh honey.... it's been years.

 

[Geddyfleaharris]

I suggest your band "man-up" and nip this $#!+ in the butt before something happens. After the fact blaming and commiserating when something goes wrong is not helpful!

Edit: Didn't realize this was a zombie. Here I am all serious and everything.....LOL

Ha @ Zombie thread.

Actually two recent incidents have been handled more along your lines. Different band from when the thread started.

About 3 weeks ago we were playing a private party with about 200 people in attendance. One guy is drunk and keeps coming up to our keyboard player and bugging him, touching his keys. We warn the guy in between sets to stay away. We also let the organizers know what is going on. Finally last set, the guy is drunk, his buddies are egging him on. Our guitar player goes over in the middle of a song and tells the guy to take a hike. We play another song or two and the guy is back in our face. This time in between songs. Our guitar player finally has enough and announces that the "show is over because of this a*****e up here"! We start packing up the gear. The guy is dumbfounded that we quit. Oh well....you were warned. We actually only played 2 songs less then we were going to. But it was the principle.

Last weekend we were playing a club and this really drunk girl kept standing at the side of the stage yelling songs to me. Some we were going to play just not right now when she wanted them. Finally I had enough and asked security to get rid of her. She was a mess and trouble.