I'm getting the impression you've spent a little more time than normal thinking about various kinds of torture. But you stopped short of anything to attract snakes, spiders and scorpions (which we don't have, as you know).
This isn't at home. There I would give one warning and tell them if they are ever gone I consider it abandoned and all belongings will premaritally disappear. Or I could skunk things up a bit.
And we already have way too many chiggers. Even after I spray regularly. They love me and never touch my wife.