Useless bass features

[Warpeg]

Time for some fun. You are the head of R&D and marketing for a large bass company. However, you’ve entered into a secret agreement with a competitor to tank your employer by putting useless features on the basses. What features do you come up with?

My ideas:
1. Scalloped fretless finger boards
2. Chrome pickup covers (ie. “Ashtrays”) that cover the entirety of the playing area
3. A proprietary steel plate system that adds weight to head stocks

 

[Lobster11]

A fifth string.

 

[WillyW]

More than one knob

 

[Winslow]

A banjo-style truncated extra string, with a tuner in the middle of the neck.

 

[LeFunk Machine]

A fifth string.

Hahh!

 

[Warpeg]

An 8-string bass, but tuned in 2nd courses instead of octave courses.

 

[tzohn]

5.1 channel output

 

[Bass4ThePublic]

I HAVE to make the bass fail? Ok, if you say so

Green poplar neck with no truss rod
Body made of tungsten
Headstock joint approximately 1/16” thick
Bridge is a single piece of wood kind of like the Dan Armstrong Lucite basses
Active preamp with unpotted single coils
Unshielded

 

[Passinwind]

Plastic pickguards.

Time for some fun. You are the head of R&D and marketing for a large bass company. However, you’ve entered into a secret agreement with a competitor to tank your employer by putting useless features on the basses. What features do you come up with?

Frets.

 

[4SG]

Built-in handle. Either that or a cup holder.

 

[jnewmark]

A 9 volt battery.

 

[Jazzkuma]

a sticker with a link to this thread

 

[pglaser01]

If the bass has volume pots for all pickups….a pickup selector

 

[okabass]

Ground wire between pots and output jack on Jazz Bass (metal control plate).

 

[smarthound]

Eric Drew Feldman's tuning pegs.

 

[clockworkcorpse]

a complex tripod with integrated stool that causes one to play in a really awkward position. and strobing leds everywhere.

 

[juggahnaught]

A built-in, always-on, sweepable highpass filter. Adjustable from 1khz to 5khz.

 

[MustangWally]

Tug bar...

 

[StereoPlayer]

3 strap buttons.

 

[JW56789]

I've never understood the industry-wide practice of using wood screws to attach necks to bodies.

I'd far prefer machine screws into threaded inserts, and somehow the back of my mind says that a clever engineer could maneuver that attachment method to also 'jack' the heel for precise neck-tilt, never needing a shim for that sort of thing.

OF COURSE, I know that's more expensive, but not a lot, and would suit me better. Plus, you'd never be able to run the screws up THROUGH the fingerboard again !