Useless bass features

[Gsnorgathon]

Adjustable-radius fingerboard, so it can be converted into an EUB.

A shoulder harness, airbags, and roll cage.

 

[Warpeg]

"Bass as a service" business model, where it stops working if you don't pay a subscription fee….

This is my favorite so far. It’s like Peloton’s model.

 

[MHeardOnBass]

Of the type that involve a 2-hour download and disable the unit while downloading plus another 2 hours installing with 27 reboots and at least one reboot freeze?

Of course. And any interruptions may brick the unit.

 

[fdeck]

A strap to hang the bass around your neck, like an albatross, instead of just supporting it from the floor in a dignified fashion with a simple peg.

A super portable little bass that makes no sound on its own until you bring along an extra box full of magnets and wires.

 

[db59]

Me

 

[DanDBassist]

A kickstand so you don't have to bring another item with you. (Maybe that's a good feature?)

 

[beatmachine pro]

you laugh,..
but theres a evil rumor started by marketing companies that you need a pick to play a bass,....
dDuhn,Dunn,DuM

 

[Wood and Wire]

A Speakon socket.

Quick release neck.

 

[mambo4]

A knob for the guitar player's volume
oh wait you said useless

 

[MikePlaysBass]

A kickstand so you don't have to bring another item with you. (Maybe that's a good feature?)

I don’t know where I saw it or when, but I did see a idea a long time ago for a guitar stand attached to the back of the guitar. The idea was that you folded out the two legs and just set it down. Obviously not invented by someone who actually plays the instrument. All I need is something on the back getting in the way.
I also saw an idea someone had to put a lever on the back of a guitar to use instead of the bar on a Floyd Rose type bridge, I guess so you could play with your picking hand while using it. It seems like it could easily get used by accident, although they did have some way of bending it out of the way when you weren’t using it or to be able to fit it in a case.
Some people feel the need to fix things that aren’t problems and I guess some people will want it. I’d better get to work on a Drop-G tuner idea before someone beats me to it.

 

[beatmachine pro]

actually;...
you need SPEAEKON bolts
for your bolt on kneck ,
...only SPEAKON bolts will do

 

[wmhill]

 

[Lesfunk]

Don't forget the retractable frets.

 

[squarepeg]

Pez dispenser
Built-in looper/cruise control
Solar panel powered active electronics
A regenerative braking pickup that recharges the battery

 

[5StringBlues]

A full set of Encyclopedia Britannica

 

[Wood and Wire]

Key start ignition.

Swarmatron

 

[N. Kentucky Bass]

Time for some fun. You are the head of R&D and marketing for a large bass company. However, you’ve entered into a secret agreement with a competitor to tank your employer by putting useless features on the basses. What features do you come up with?

My ideas:
1. Scalloped fretless finger boards
2. Chrome pickup covers (ie. “Ashtrays”) that cover the entirety of the playing area
3. A proprietary steel plate system that adds weight to head stocks

As a professional writer, my reaction is: great high concept for a horror script!

 

[Michedelic]

Bullet-proof pickguard.

That wouldn’t be a bad idea on some gigs. Chicken wire can only do so much.

 

[SgtHulka]

Plastic guitar covers. ... That is unless you have a CS extreme relic and you need to protect that broken in/beat up look then by all means buy.View attachment 4331051

Like Grandma's couches?

 

[Reg Braithwaite]

Law that prohibits you from playing your own music

Better still, bass that only plays tunes approved by your Bass-as-a-service (“BaaS”) provider, and that you rent from the “tab store.” Most music in the tab store is incomplete, you have to use “in-music purchases” to get the full transcription.

You can play your own music, but only if you sign up as a music provider and agree that you’re only playing your own music for composition and transcription purposes. The bass will only play your music for you, you can’t perform your own music for others.

There are multiple, competing BaaS providers, and they each have their own weird music agreements, so if you want to perform a complete repertoire on your instrument, you have to sign up with them all, and even then there are region locks, so you need an army of lawyers to license music for a world tour.