Useless bass features

[MHeardOnBass]

Mandatory, unskipable firmware updates.

Compound radius headstock.

Tummy and forearm bulges.

Oil change every 6mos/6,000 notes.

Popcorn ceiling-textured pickguard.

Upper horn mounted output jack.

Pickups susceptible to 60Hz hum (wait a minute…)

 

[JRA]

 

[ardgedee]

Ink.
Spring-loaded strap buttons for a smoother ride.
Adjustable bridge with up to 1" lateral travel.
Inflatable body.
Built-in wah pedal.
Ants.

 

[StereoPlayer]

A number dispenser.

 

[slapshot]

Active-only but there are no batteries. You need to crank it like an emergency radio.

Alcohol ignition interlock device wired just before the output.

I've played with a couple guitarists that could use an amplifier alcohol interlock device.

 

[StereoPlayer]

Built in gas fireplace. With remote.

 

[Trailertrash74]

3 strap buttons.

Why stop at 3! Run those suckers all along the bottom and then up and around the horn ending with 2 or 3 on the back of the neck! Now you have platform to sting some LED lighting!

 

[togril]

Strings.

 

[59jazz]

That's what I thought. Someone else also offered a fretboard swap option also. May have been Kramer too.

I think Fender offered a Jazz Bass with 3 different magnetic fret/finger boards in '86?

 

[micguy]

Robo tuners with a polyphonic vibrato feature, that requires going 4 menu layers deep to disable.

 

[son_of_mogh]

Evertune whammy bar bridge with Tronical headstock tuners

Or, how about 2 fingerboards where the second one goes off at an angle like an aircraft carrier's two runways...

 

[JonathanSV]

A 300 W tube amp with 8x10" speakers

Edit: I mean integrated in the bass! Or the other way around?

 

[StereoPlayer]

Freaking Laser beams.

 

[Aqualung60]

Flashlight and towel rack.

 

[fdeck]

"Bass as a service" business model, where it stops working if you don't pay a subscription fee.

Purchase agreement consists of a contract stating that you will not try to repair your own bass.

Gratuitously unique cable connector that changes with every new model

Law that prohibits you from playing your own music

 

[StereoPlayer]

Bird feeders

 

[Eric Huber]

There are so many choices..... the battery and more then 2 knobs fills out my list.

 

[chadds]

Fender decal.

 

[JDA04OSU]

A -1 fret (on the other side of the nut from the 0 fret?).

 

[Deleted member 165050]

Mandatory, unskipable firmware updates.

Of the type that involve a 2-hour download and disable the unit while downloading plus another 2 hours installing with 27 reboots and at least one reboot freeze?