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What's the funniest joke you know?
- Thread starter soulgeezer
- Start date
- Status
Did you hear about the midget who died playing ping pong?
He got too excited and ran off the table.
He got too excited and ran off the table.
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face,"Without you we are but dust... "
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter(who was listening) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter(who was listening) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
What do elephants use for vibrators?
Epileptic pygmies!
What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.
Epileptic pygmies!
What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.
A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, you gotta help me" and pulls down his pants.
The doctor says "Wow, how did your ass**** get so stretched out?"
The guy says "I got f***** by an elephant"
The doctor says "Wait a second.....an elephant has a really long penis but it's not that wide......."
The guy says "He put his finger in first"
The doctor says "Wow, how did your ass**** get so stretched out?"
The guy says "I got f***** by an elephant"
The doctor says "Wait a second.....an elephant has a really long penis but it's not that wide......."
The guy says "He put his finger in first"
The classic....
Two flies land on a piece of s***
One fly lifts his leg and lets out a disgusting fart....
The other fly says "Damn man, I'm trying to eat"
Two flies land on a piece of s***
One fly lifts his leg and lets out a disgusting fart....
The other fly says "Damn man, I'm trying to eat"
Hi.
A story more than a joke, but still...
Back in the days I was a sound engineer/stagehand in a music-bar there was this band of youngsters, setting up the backline as I was setting up the sidefills and monitors. The rest of the band kept bugging the bass player about everything and telling old jokes about bassplayers like; What's the difference between DB and a casket? How do You know the stage is level? The really tight strap joke, and on and on. I really felt for the young bassplayer as the joking wasn't done in a friendly kinda way, he looked quite sad.
So I stepped in for a rescue and in turn asked:
Q:"Why the jokes about bassplayers are always so short?"
A:"That's the only way for drummers to be able tell them and guitarists to be able to understand them."
It was pure joy to watch as the bassplayers face light up with a big grin, an after a few neccessary seconds the drummer and 2 guitardists got the punch line.
They weren't happy at all and started to complain how that was really rude and they should report this to the FOH guy and the bartender and how they felt really bad.
Yeah? Really? I'm a bassplayer, The FOH guy is a bassplayer, BTW how do You want Your sound? And oh yes, the bartender plays bass in His Infernal Majesty, so I don't think he'll care too much about it either.
Things went preeetty smooth after that
Sam
A story more than a joke, but still...
Back in the days I was a sound engineer/stagehand in a music-bar there was this band of youngsters, setting up the backline as I was setting up the sidefills and monitors. The rest of the band kept bugging the bass player about everything and telling old jokes about bassplayers like; What's the difference between DB and a casket? How do You know the stage is level? The really tight strap joke, and on and on. I really felt for the young bassplayer as the joking wasn't done in a friendly kinda way, he looked quite sad.
So I stepped in for a rescue and in turn asked:
Q:"Why the jokes about bassplayers are always so short?"
A:"That's the only way for drummers to be able tell them and guitarists to be able to understand them."
It was pure joy to watch as the bassplayers face light up with a big grin, an after a few neccessary seconds the drummer and 2 guitardists got the punch line.
They weren't happy at all and started to complain how that was really rude and they should report this to the FOH guy and the bartender and how they felt really bad.
Yeah? Really? I'm a bassplayer, The FOH guy is a bassplayer, BTW how do You want Your sound? And oh yes, the bartender plays bass in His Infernal Majesty, so I don't think he'll care too much about it either.
Things went preeetty smooth after that
Sam
this ones not a joke,but if you get a few of your mates in on it,its a great laugh watching people trying to work it out.they think your laughing at the joke they dont get,when realy your laughing at them.sometimes they laugh pretending to get it.
A GUY WALKS INTO A BAKERS AND ASKS FOR A LOAF OF BREAD.THE BAKER ASKS," BROWN OR WHITE?"
THE GUY REPLYS" IT DOESNT MATTER,IVE COME ON MY BIKE"
try it out, youl die laughing at em
A GUY WALKS INTO A BAKERS AND ASKS FOR A LOAF OF BREAD.THE BAKER ASKS," BROWN OR WHITE?"
THE GUY REPLYS" IT DOESNT MATTER,IVE COME ON MY BIKE"
try it out, youl die laughing at em
A guy starts a new job. On the first Monday, he calls up and says he's sick.
The next Monday, he calls up again and says he's sick.
His boss says "This is two Mondays in a row you've called in sick. Is there a problem? Drugs, booze, something we can help you with?"
The guy says "No, I don't do drugs and I don't drink. You know who drinks.....my brother in law.
Every weekend he gets hammered and beats the S*** out of my sister so every Monday before work I have to go over and comfort her.
I put my hand around her, one thing leads to another, before I know it I'm F****** her"
The boss says "You're F****** your own sister!!?"
The guy says "I told you when I called up I was sick"
The next Monday, he calls up again and says he's sick.
His boss says "This is two Mondays in a row you've called in sick. Is there a problem? Drugs, booze, something we can help you with?"
The guy says "No, I don't do drugs and I don't drink. You know who drinks.....my brother in law.
Every weekend he gets hammered and beats the S*** out of my sister so every Monday before work I have to go over and comfort her.
I put my hand around her, one thing leads to another, before I know it I'm F****** her"
The boss says "You're F****** your own sister!!?"
The guy says "I told you when I called up I was sick"
A Polish general is about to go into battle.
He asks his top advisor what he should wear.
His advisor says "Well sir, whenever Napolean was going into battle he would wear a red uniform so if he was injured his men wouldn't be able to tell and they wouldn't panic"
The general says "Excellent thinking Stukowski.........get me my brown uniform"
He asks his top advisor what he should wear.
His advisor says "Well sir, whenever Napolean was going into battle he would wear a red uniform so if he was injured his men wouldn't be able to tell and they wouldn't panic"
The general says "Excellent thinking Stukowski.........get me my brown uniform"
A cop pulls a guy over for speeding.
The cop walks up to the car, the guy rolls down the window, and the cop says "You were going about 85 mph back there"
The guy says "Officer I was going 55 the whole time and I guess the last few minutes I was keeping up with traffic"
His wife in the passenger seat says "That's not true! You were going 85 mph the whole time!"
The man yells to his wife "SHUT THE F*** UP!!!"
The cop then says "I also noticed sir, you weren't wearing your seat belt"
The man says "Well officer, I had it buckled the entire time. I just unbuckled it now to reach for my wallet to get my license for you"
The wife says "That's not true! You didn't have it buckled at all!!!"
The man yells "SHUT YOUR F****** MOUTH!!!!"
The cop walks around the car and the woman rolls down her window. The cop says "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
The woman says "Only when he's drunk"
The cop walks up to the car, the guy rolls down the window, and the cop says "You were going about 85 mph back there"
The guy says "Officer I was going 55 the whole time and I guess the last few minutes I was keeping up with traffic"
His wife in the passenger seat says "That's not true! You were going 85 mph the whole time!"
The man yells to his wife "SHUT THE F*** UP!!!"
The cop then says "I also noticed sir, you weren't wearing your seat belt"
The man says "Well officer, I had it buckled the entire time. I just unbuckled it now to reach for my wallet to get my license for you"
The wife says "That's not true! You didn't have it buckled at all!!!"
The man yells "SHUT YOUR F****** MOUTH!!!!"
The cop walks around the car and the woman rolls down her window. The cop says "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
The woman says "Only when he's drunk"
An old Italian gentleman walks into a store to buy a bra for his wife.
He says "I like-a to buy a bra for my wife"
The saleswoman asks "What size?"
The man says "Six and-a seven eighths"
The saleswoman says "Six and seven eighths....what kind of size is that?"
The man says "I measure them with-a hat"
He says "I like-a to buy a bra for my wife"
The saleswoman asks "What size?"
The man says "Six and-a seven eighths"
The saleswoman says "Six and seven eighths....what kind of size is that?"
The man says "I measure them with-a hat"
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