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having time for music and a relationship

#21
"I find that trying to do music on a semi-professional/professional basis is really difficult when you also have to hold down a job."

It seems like it! But I'm up for the challenge. The guy I'm starting lessons with soon, actually works with me as well, and has managed to gig/tour on the side. So if anyone will have good advice about how to handle it, it'll be him...my job is really pretty unique though. The company is full of creative people and there seems to be a decent degree of acceptance for odd hours and outside commitments. So I'm hopeful that I'll be able to find the balance here.
 
#23
Well, here's my take...

My partner is also a working musician so we have that in common. We've actually been on gigs together. She understands this is what we do. That being said, I am extremely busy with several artists as well as doing sessions and there are times when I wish I could take a break. I also have young kids (previous partner). But it's hard to imagine things any other way. So in a way I'm blessed.

You shouldn't feel guilty about working all the time, that's really important. It's the quality of the time spent with loved ones, not just the quantity.

(ps. I live in Northampton too...playing at the Iron Horse thanksgiving eve!)
 
#25
hernameisrio said:
Thanks R Briere. I've been feeling like a lousy girlfriend lately so that makes me feel better. Saw you're from Northampton, that's a cool town...my parents are up in Beverly. How's the music scene up there? (Go Red Sox :D)
Click to expand...

Greetings Rio.....

Northampton IS a GREAT town for Music....as long as you're willing to work for free or pay to play. I moved back here two years ago and was devastated by what I found. Everywhere you look there are "137 Open Mics per week" and bands working for the contents of a "Tip Jar". Even Worse.....Nobody Cares.

The "General Public" consists of Grey Hairs (myself included) who Support the "Iron Horse" and the "Calvin".....but that's pretty much it.

Young People are no longer into going to see/hear music because it's free.... and the #1 rule of Marketing is the same as it's ALWAYS been: "People Want What they Can't Get"...and "If something's FREE, it has No Value".

Tell Your Parents I Send my Best. :)

....
 
#28
It seems like my whole life has been one big balancing act between the three most important things in my life...work, relationships (inclusive of family, friends, and significant others), and music. Each of these three areas has required more emphasis than the others during different times of my life and accepting that fact has been the biggest key to managing and balancing it, for me. I've put different areas of my life 'on hold' for short periods of time to allow for the focus that was necessary to accomplish what I wanted/needed in another. I guess I just can't bring myself to do something partway, so I adjust focus if necessary. I've put relationships on hold while focusing on career and music, with the knowledge that if the relationship was strong enough, it would survive...if not, it wasn't important enough to be a central focus in my life in the first place. Work has been put on hold at times and it has always been there when I was ready to make it a central focus again and I've always survived, even if I've had to make major lifestyle adjustments. Music has been a constant in my life and has been central enough to be a career focus (and has supported me), as well as having to be put on hold. In fact, over the last 5 years, I had to put it completely on hold. I didn't even own an instrument, while I focused on building a career and helping my son get his life straightened out. It doesn't mean I loved it any less. Now, I'm bringing it all back into balance, with all three sharing space again.

My advice is to go with your gut, regardless of what people who don't have your unique perspective say. At least you will feel secure and confident in the way you shift your priorities around. I honestly have no regrets, so far.
 
#29
The rule for the bands I've been in over the years is, family first. Over the years I've been in the military, worked shift work, overtime and played in bands. I still always made time for family. Sometimes it took a lot of juggling and planning, but we always made the time. My long suffering wife of 40 years has stuck by me, so it must have worked.
 
#30
First of all, i'd split between music as a hobby - or something to do in your free time and music as a job - the stuff that gets bills paid.
One is a pass-time and the other's a job.

I found out for myself, that not only time means something, but quality time. So you're spending an evening together in front of the TV eating Chinese takeout - that's nothing to make up for
another night per week spent in rehearsal.
But if you think about what your significant other likes and take him/her out into that nice restaurant with the small tables and candles you've spotted the other week, go see a movie in the cinema or what not - the important thing here is that you initiate it, plan it and take him/her - now that's an evening that can easily make up for an evening where you get home, grab someting to bite and are off again to play the bass in a club or in rehearsal.

As i read on this very board: 'Happy wife, happy life'.
 
#31
My advice would be to start doing all the stuff you want to do and take it from there. You might be surprised with the results. Achieving your goals can have a very positive impact with your relationship. I just hope that your boyfriend is supportive enough.
 
#32
A lot of people make relationships top priority because they don't want to be alone in the end. While I can understand that thinking, no relationship guarantees that you're not going to be alone, and that mindset tells me that the relationship is being chosen out of fear. Not love. I always felt that I'd much rather chance falling in love with somebody at 70, than stick with somebody out of fear, from the time I was 30 or 40. Fortunately, I knew I found the right person when I was 50, but it took me many years with her to be cerain of that.

When I met my wife we went through the 'is it gonna be music, or me' thing, and I told her point blank it was going to be music. Music is a part of me, it's what I do. If someone has any kind of problem with that, then they don't love me and/or who I am and we should both be with someone else.

The tough part in navigating the music stuff if not being obsessive about it. People become workaholics to escape things, and I always do my best to keep a balance. I want to make time for everything. Sometimes that works out well, other times.... well, stuff happens. The important thing to me is that my wife understands. There are times I had to miss big holidays, weddings, and things like that because of certain music related obligations, and she always understood. Because the obligations were important. If I told her I was trashing plans with her though just to suddenly go out and jam with some dudes, that would be a different story. And rightly so.

Love, communication, trust, and respect. They need to be worked at, and IMO earned. If they're all in in place all the other stuff falls into place too.
 
#33
hernameisrio said:
So I play in one band already, have a full-time job, am in a relationship, and freelance occasionally on the side doing writing, audio, and various tech gigs.
Click to expand...

In order of importance, this is how I would rate the things you listed:

1) Full time job
2) Relationships (friends/family/S.O.)
3) Music

I've been involved in music for the past 20+ years, and the ONE thing that I have learned during that time is that unless you rely on your instrument to put food on the table, there are other things in life much more important, such as your job and relationships with your family and S.O.

I lost a fantastic girlfriend years ago because of my gigging and playing schedule…If I had could do it over again I would have dialed back on the music some in order to keep her.
 
#34
glocke1 said:
In order of importance, this is how I would rate the things you listed:

1) Full time job
2) Relationships (friends/family/S.O.)
3) Music

I've been involved in music for the past 20+ years, and the ONE thing that I have learned during that time is that unless you rely on your instrument to put food on the table, there are other things in life much more important, such as your job and relationships with your family and S.O.

I lost a fantastic girlfriend years ago because of my gigging and playing schedule…If I had could do it over again I would have dialed back on the music some in order to keep her.
Click to expand...

I'd put family over job. Family first, job second, band third. Not going to screw my wife and kids over for a paycheck. Otherwise, I basically agree. Of course, if the band IS your job, that bumps it to second place.

To the OP, when people say "make time" what they really mean is "reserve time." If you're concerned about having enough time for your boyfriend, what you need to do is PLAN when that time will be. We often just leave it to spontaneity and assume we'll have "spare time" with our loved ones, then get busy and the spare time gets squeezed out. If that's your case, you need to ditch the spontaneity, write in your calendar that Thursday night is sit-on-the-couch-watching-a-movie time, and tell bands or whatever else that sorry, can't make it that night, you have a prior appointment. If you don't treat relationship time that seriously, you won't be able to sustain a relationship.
 
#36
Mark Nye said:
Life is not impossible to balance. It's all a matter of your own personal priorities. Regardless of the reason (music, work, extracurriculars), if you don't want to make a relationship a priority, don't be in one. It really is that simple.

So, to answer your question "am I supposed to dump the guy because I don't have time to hang out with him?" I answer, "yes." Staying in a relationship that you don't have time for (or the desire to free up time for) is selfish. You obviously get something positive from being with this person, but the way it sounds, not AS positive as what you get from your other stuff.

Everyone has a finite amount of time on this planet. IMO, one of the worst things you can to to a fellow human being is waste theirs. You alone decide how that time is allotted, and reap the rewards or consequences of that decision.
Click to expand...


+1

This was my thought as well when reading the OP. If you don't have time or don't care to put in the work to make time then it makes sense to just cut your losses earlier than later. It's not fair to either you or your boyfriend.
 
#37
Joe Nerve said:
A lot of people make relationships top priority because they don't want to be alone in the end. While I can understand that thinking, no relationship guarantees that you're not going to be alone, and that mindset tells me that the relationship is being chosen out of fear. Not love. I always felt that I'd much rather chance falling in love with somebody at 70, than stick with somebody out of fear, from the time I was 30 or 40. Fortunately, I knew I found the right person when I was 50, but it took me many years with her to be cerain of that.

When I met my wife we went through the 'is it gonna be music, or me' thing, and I told her point blank it was going to be music. Music is a part of me, it's what I do. If someone has any kind of problem with that, then they don't love me and/or who I am and we should both be with someone else.

The tough part in navigating the music stuff if not being obsessive about it. People become workaholics to escape things, and I always do my best to keep a balance. I want to make time for everything. Sometimes that works out well, other times.... well, stuff happens. The important thing to me is that my wife understands. There are times I had to miss big holidays, weddings, and things like that because of certain music related obligations, and she always understood. Because the obligations were important. If I told her I was trashing plans with her though just to suddenly go out and jam with some dudes, that would be a different story. And rightly so.

Love, communication, trust, and respect. They need to be worked at, and IMO earned. If they're all in in place all the other stuff falls into place too.
Click to expand...

Man that was some good stuff right there. I had learn all of the above the hard way. My wife took ten years to "get it"... But she did. I consider myself one of the lucky ones despite the decade of what seemed like endless conflict in defense of what she used to call "my mistress." She still uses the term, but at least now she has a smile on her face when she does.
 
#38
How much time do you need to make for you both to be happy with the relationship?

If your job is just a day job, then I'm guessing you'll have most of your evenings free and weekends free. Even if your busiest week is 2 practices, 1 gig and a 1 lesson, that still leaves 3 evenings a week and the weekend.

Obviously you're not going to spend every second of those together, but it should still be doable. And hopefully your parner will understand that there are other important things in your life besides them.

I practice 2 nights a week and my girlfriend works 1-2 nights, and that's never been much of a problem for us.
 
#39
We live in what you will sometimes hear referred to as the "I" generation.

Unlike in previous generations in our culture, there is a focus on self and goals and becoming the best person you can be for yourself. Education and careers and hobbies and things take priority over relationships. We're told that we need to cut off relationships if they interfere with 'our lives' where as in previous generations people would compromise on the things we value so much in order to focus on relationships.

So the question is about how much you love your boyfriend. Is he important enough to you that you can set aside some of your self-focus and reach a compromise to make the relationship work? I healthy relationship is ultimately more fulfilling than success in the things our self-centred culture view's as important.
 
#40
Much would depend on what the FT job is.
I think in Herm's case it's IT work.
One of the most stressful phone jobs there is, except for telemarketing.
Imagine telling folks day in/out " Hey, did you plug in yer whatZit?"
and then come home & balance your home life and band stuff?
I got lucky, after several....ahh.....interesting relationships,
I married to a kindly soul who was OK with me quitting a FT job running trucks OTR to help raise our family,
then worried while I risked my life (or at least my health) on construction jobs,
and then finally go into music FT after the kids grew up.
The price tag: I gotta be there for her, and support HER hopes and dreams.
This past weekend, I took off several days to freeze my ass at a woodfire ceramics thing.
I could have pointed to the sked and said,
"sorry baby, I have a bar gig, yer on your own."
Instead I did the right thing and made the time.
Also promised to build her a ceramics studio and wood kiln, but that's a different story.
(She let me build a recording/rehearsal studio, a wood shop and an electronics shop with [DEL]no[/DEL] little complaint.)

BTW, my previous post, a page ago was intended for a different thread.
I requested it's deletion.

One of my many hats is to [DEL]destroy[/DEL] repair/restore Mac computers,
a rather thankless job.
 

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