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having time for music and a relationship

#61
remainthesame said:
yes. to me music is first priority and i truly mean that. the band comes before family, friends, job, everything. music first, everything else is second. you might hate me for this but i even missed my grandmothers funeral because i had a gig.

some people think its selfish but im not missing out on that stuff for me. im missing out on it for the band. the band is bigger than myself and any of the individuals within it.
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Your perspective will change if/when you grow up.
 
#63
Well, having a hobby and a relationship is not going to be easy. Hell, for most people having either seems unfeasable :-\

For music as for relationship you'll have replace quantity with quality :cool:
So no useless bands going nowhere and no (or very exceptional) evenings watching TV with you other half.

Tips : Less TV and more flowers ;)
Tips: Go dancing. Improve your groove and your relationaship at once!
 
#65
remainthesame said:
just out of curiosity, what is grown up to you? like your definition?

because i live on my own, have my own job and car, and i always have enough money for food with some leftover to save for bass stuff.
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I think 'grown up' is when you start placing other people and their needs before yourself and your own. Financial success is no measure of a man and certainly not measure of his maturity. It can be a measure of how blinded he is by western culture though.
 
#68
remainthesame said:
yes. to me music is first priority and i truly mean that. the band comes before family, friends, job, everything. music first, everything else is second. you might hate me for this but i even missed my grandmothers funeral because i had a gig.

some people think its selfish but im not missing out on that stuff for me. im missing out on it for the band. the band is bigger than myself and any of the individuals within it.
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Not to call you out or anything, but family is bigger and far more permanent than any band, too. I understand putting your band high on a priorities list and having to tell loved ones that sometimes you're going to have to miss things, but I can't understand how you'd miss family events that don't change date (ie. birthdays and anniversaries). You can plan gigs, rehearsals, recording sessions, etc... around those things; the inverse, however, doesn't hold up the same. Hate to say it, but that is pretty selfish of you.
 
#69
jmattbassplaya said:
Not to call you out or anything, but family is bigger and far more permanent than any band, too. I understand putting your band high on a priorities list and having to tell loved ones that sometimes you're going to have to miss things, but I can't understand how you'd miss family events that don't change date (ie. birthdays and anniversaries). You can plan gigs, rehearsals, recording sessions, etc... around those things; the inverse, however, doesn't hold up the same. Hate to say it, but that is pretty selfish of you.
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These are definitely some of the exceptions that you have to consider if you want the solidity of a relationship or family life. Being an absentee member of a family has an effect on more people than just yourself, and it's important to keep the feelings of your loved ones in mind. If not, you run the risk of looking incredibly selfish. Compromise is not a dirty word.
 
#70
jmattbassplaya said:
Not to call you out or anything, but family is bigger and far more permanent than any band, too. I understand putting your band high on a priorities list and having to tell loved ones that sometimes you're going to have to miss things, but I can't understand how you'd miss family events that don't change date (ie. birthdays and anniversaries). You can plan gigs, rehearsals, recording sessions, etc... around those things; the inverse, however, doesn't hold up the same. Hate to say it, but that is pretty selfish of you.
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With all due respect, Who/Which is more Important.......Your Family and Friends.....or YOU>? :) I don't see him as selfish at all. For an explanation....my next post please. :)
 
#71
There's a VERY simple Solution here but one that's not been touched on yet. First, a few observations......

The Woman who began this discussion is long gone......and if I were her, I would be as well.

I've left TalkBass (a business, with good rules) several times for posts just like this. A Woman posts...Some guys offer good advice/opinions; some guys try to pick her up; some guys try to convince her that she has no future as a musician and needs to put on her apron and "get back in the kitchen".

She asked a simple question and now it's become something very different. The Solution to the Problem here is a simple one. You simply need to define what playing means to you. If it's a HOBBY......Many of you are 100% correct......Family comes first and you can't miss Little Jimmy's Baseball Game or an Anniversary Party. Result. No Gig. No Foul.

If Music is Your LIFE/Your JOB,......You can't Make Family Events all the time and your Family Understands .....and it's not a Sacrifice or Something to be Angry about. You Play on Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, Bastille Day, etc.

I asked in another thread where the Female Bass Players were. Two sent me emails....and I now FULLY Understand. But in a short time since my return I also understand many other things.......There are guys on here who fib about many things--who they are, the gear they own, where they play, who they work for, etc.....and that's too bad.......but when you don't have to use your own name to be able to make comments on the web, it's VERY easy to do....and there are no consequences. :)

Peace, Love and Pretzels,
Rich Briere
 

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#72
Bands come and go.
You'd think that family is more stable.
You'd think that they'll always be there for you.
Sadly, that isn't always the case.
Family can come and go as well, sometimes more permanently.

I'd give anything to take back my standard long weekend of work/gigging,
followed by finding my Mom dead in her bed, where she'd been for 2 days.
Had to take off nearly a month to settle her affairs and such.
It was a HUGE eye-opener for me.

Shortly after that, I rearranged my life, had a long talk with wifey,
and decided to lose the day job and put into music FT
Less money, (decidedly so) but I'm here for my family when needed.

Hate for my kids and wife to say later in life:
Eh, nice enough fella, but he was never there...........
 
#73
I understand how you feel. Music has been part of my life since I was a child. I have been happily married for 15 years, and my husband completely supports my music because he sees how happy it makes me. I can't imagine him ever asking if I would "still have time for him" if I became involved in a project. He would be more likely to say something like, That sounds cool, but don't stretch yourself to thin.

That being said, my family is more important that any one band, but if I had choose between DH and music in general? ... well, let's just say I hope that will never happen.
 
#74
From someone in a similar boat as you right now, OP, I can empathize. In my situation, she's busy and I'm busy, so our schedules hardly ever synch up as it is. With my band just about to finish recording our demo songs and start gigging seriously next year, I realize my time will become even more restrictive concerning her and I. I really like her, but if I had to choose between my current job + spouse or music...I'm choosing music.

Perhaps I'm short-sighted due to age (26), but I have many friends (my bandmates are arguably my best friends) and I am very close to my family as well. I do feel the itch for a significant other, but I can't say anyone that I know would make me want to hang it up permanently. Even if someone WAS fine with me doing this, leaving for extended periods of time if things really took off would make me feel like a total jerk and then some. All I ever see is my friends and acquaintances from the past getting married, pregnant, exhausted, and depressed about how repetitive their lives are. Hanging up aspirations and dreams just over a relationship. I'd never forgive myself if I gave up over a relationship.
 
#75
jmattbassplaya said:
Not to call you out or anything, but family is bigger and far more permanent than any band, too. I understand putting your band high on a priorities list and having to tell loved ones that sometimes you're going to have to miss things, but I can't understand how you'd miss family events that don't change date (ie. birthdays and anniversaries). You can plan gigs, rehearsals, recording sessions, etc... around those things; the inverse, however, doesn't hold up the same. Hate to say it, but that is pretty selfish of you.
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This all comes into what part of life you are in. Idk which one that Remainthesame is in, but as a young male bachelor who lives in the city...I'm rather disconnected from the 'burbs to begin with. None of my extended family wants to drive out and see me (a whole 30 minutes of travel lol) and most of my close family is quite busy themselves. My little sister works and goes to college at the same time, my mother is a home-maker but has to help and transport my sister about while she juggles ministry at her church amongst other things, and my father is a shift worker at a chemical plant. My extended family bickers all the time and often won't even speak to one another because of something as ridiculous as not sending out Christmas cards to everyone. Needless to say, it's been that way for years and some things just aren't worth the effort.

So in my situation, I'm not really missing out on much aside from family drama, so my parents and sister completely understand and empathize with the lifestyle choice that I've made since moving out and into the city. My job supports me, but the goal is music full time. Crazy and stupid since this sort of thing doesn't happen anymore, but I prefer to aim high and fall in the middle rather than flop from not trying at all. Wanna play stadium shows across the world, huge charity concerts that make a noticeable difference for causes like children's hospitals or curing breast cancer (my mother had it), and having events where I just show up and talk to fans...just for the heck of it to connect with and encourage them in their musical pursuits. Maybe I'll end up a townie playing our originals between covers of Mustang Sally or LA Woman, but I'm going not going to achieve anything above that if that's all I aspire to.

YMMV, but I'm still hungry :)
 
#76
From what you've said, I don't think your relationship is that high of a priority in the first place - I don't sense a very high level of commitment. You're not going to marry him, so there's no real reason for him to think he's going to be around for any particular length of time. I once had a girlfriend who was very busy with her career and other important causes, but it was clear to me that she would have to fit me in to her schedule. That wasn't what I was looking for, so we parted (amicably). Are you being fair to your boyfriend?
 
#77
Bands don't HAVE to come and go......Players who aren't committed to the band have to go. :) Rolling Stones, Toto, Moody Blues, etc.,....the list goes on and on. Since the divorce rate is around 60% for the "Common Man" now, I suggest that it's about the same for all categories: Pro Golfers, Pro Drivers, Pro Anything. It comes with the Territory.

As a total stretch...and, as always with a Song in my Heart and a Smile on my Face, what if Paul McCartney had to attend a Birthday Party on the Day that Brian had come to the Cavern to hear the Beatles? Everything Happens for a Reason.....but the History of the Musical World could VERY Easily have been Changed that day and we might still be listening to Frankie Avalon and the Flying Nun. :)

To Those of you with Dreams, Follow Them.....but know that YOUR Generation pretty much killed the Music Business....and "American Idol" and "TIP JARS" finished off what was left.

....
 
#79
jmattbassplaya said:
Not to call you out or anything, but family is bigger and far more permanent than any band, too. I understand putting your band high on a priorities list and having to tell loved ones that sometimes you're going to have to miss things, but I can't understand how you'd miss family events that don't change date (ie. birthdays and anniversaries). You can plan gigs, rehearsals, recording sessions, etc... around those things; the inverse, however, doesn't hold up the same. Hate to say it, but that is pretty selfish of you.
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YOUR family is bigger and far more permanent than any band, for YOU. not everybody has a great family that they are on great terms with. everybody has a different list of priorities and family is quite low on that list for me.
 
#80
I don't have any real practical advice beyond a couple of things:1. make all the time you can, i.e. as a touring guy Sunday-Wednesday are my main days off during the season, so I really try to reserve those times, and if you are in a heavy enough relationship, then try to confer with your man about what you take.

On the other hand, the biggest thing for me was getting into a relationship with someone who is also pursuing a passion, and we have both agreed to let the other person make their thing a priority. It doesn't threaten either of us. I agree that family is a priority, but it's not fair for someone to put themselves between me and what I was made to do, and they won't win that fight.
 

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