Help me craft my exit email

[gln1955]

There’s an opportunity here for grown-ups to learn and grow from a mature discussion of what went right, and what went wrong, during the 5.5 year relationship.

An exercise in futility. If that discussion didn't happen in the past 5.5 years, or nothing changed from it, nothing will come from rehashing it now.

 

[51PRI]

An exercise in futility. If that discussion didn't happen in the past 5.5 years, or nothing changed from it, nothing will come from rehashing it now.

Can a discussion prompt band members to change?

 

[pepj]

Another band I quit more recently (I guess I am an expert at quitting bands?) was a situation I agonized over months. I liked the people and couldn't bring myself to do it, even though their level of expertise was lacking. But finally I had a minor disagreement with the BL and I decided to just tell him I was leaving. He had someone else in by the next rehearsal. It's not usually the big deal we turn it into in our heads.

It might not be a big deal, but it should be if the band was put together with any thought.

 

[gln1955]

Can a discussion prompt band members to change?

The time for meaningful discussion is in the band's formative months. Then you can negotiate and set boundaries and expectations. Just like anything else, once people are set in their ways there is a lot of inertia to overcome. In this case, an exit interview won't change a thing with that band going forward without the OP.

 

[Richard Lindsey]

Can a discussion prompt band members to change?

At this point, almost certainly not. Earlier, maybe, but by no means certainly. The time for discussion was while you're in the project, not when you're on your way out the door. At that point, it just sounds like you're trying to get your digs in ("I never liked you guys anyway!"). Or still trying to convince them that you're right and they're wrong ("I don't want to play with you anymore, but I'll still tell you how your band should run"). It's pointless, and IME/IMO wouldn't work anyway.

 

[51PRI]

At this point, almost certainly not. Earlier, maybe, but by no means certainly. The time for discussion was while you're in the project, not when you're on your way out the door. At that point, it just sounds like you're trying to get your digs in ("I never liked you guys anyway!"). Or still trying to convince them that you're right and they're wrong ("I don't want to play with you anymore, but I'll still tell you how your band should run"). It's pointless, and IME/IMO wouldn't work anyway.

Well, this isn't my thread, but I asked the question because it's pertinent to the thread I started. I think you're right about it being easier to have a discussion earlier, but earlier (in my case in the other thread) we were having success and getting lots of gigs. It was kind-of an "if it ain't broke don't fix it situation" at that time, but not now, in my opinion.

OP, didn't mean to hijack your thread.

 

[LBS-bass]

It might not be a big deal, but it should be if the band was put together with any thought.

Most bandleaders think that bassists are interchangeable. They don't really figure it out until they get a good one, and sometimes not until that one has to be replaced. Bands I feel the need to walk away from are probably headed by someone like that.

 

[pepj]

For me there is chemistry, which is the right player for that band, soundwise, and then the right player for that band in terms of musical chemistry.
This is why bands with your mates can be miles off and should never be the main criteria.

The more I read of BL on these pages, I despair, tbh

 

[Hambone70]

Being in a band would be AWESOME if it wasn’t for the requirement of having people in the band!

Hmmm… that one-man band idea is starting to sound good…

 

[Bass Viking]

Most bandleaders think that bassists are interchangeable. They don't really figure it out until they get a good one, and sometimes not until that one has to be replaced. Bands I feel the need to walk away from are probably headed by someone like that.

It’s a case of you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.

I would say that good bassists are interchangeable.

 

[LBS-bass]

It’s a case of you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.

I would say that good bassists are interchangeable.

Not if they can sing well, too!

 

[bass81800]

This is part of what I do for a living (such as it is). I'll co-sign on those who advise a phone call or face-to-face. Kudos to you for wanting to remain gracious -- that's big dividends in the ol' karma bank.

With that in mind, make it about you, not them (even if it really is about them). It's frankly enough to say what you said at the start - you feel the need for something diiferent, hard to leave but you gotta follow your heart, love you guys, always will, but I need to move on, best of luck.

Also as has been said, you're under ZERO obligation to give details of your "why." Let them ponder that, especially when your replacement quits after a month.

Great advice! I am sitting here composing a group text, as this is how the band communicates, and I especially like the last sentence. It is not my job to ponder about my replacement and how long he or she will end up being with this group that has quite a revolving door. I am wishing them the best and just framed it as having other obligations. Done.

 

[DJ Bebop]

This is part of what I do for a living (such as it is). I'll co-sign on those who advise a phone call or face-to-face. Kudos to you for wanting to remain gracious -- that's big dividends in the ol' karma bank.

With that in mind, make it about you, not them (even if it really is about them). It's frankly enough to say what you said at the start - you feel the need for something diiferent, hard to leave but you gotta follow your heart, love you guys, always will, but I need to move on, best of luck.

Also as has been said, you're under ZERO obligation to give details of your "why." Let them ponder that, especially when your replacement quits after a month.

 

[DJ Bebop]

I disagree. Text is the cowardly way out. Have the b*lls to do it face-to-face. There is an opportunity for constructive dialog that may be a mutually beneficial learning experience.

Old guy here.

So I have believed this all along, face to face, no missundetstands, until I was in a band with younger cats.

It got to the point that I needed to move on, no drama. So I had them meet together at the practice place, wanting to tell them in person, like an adult. After I said all the stuff on his I enjoyed it and such but because of my heath issues (carpal tunnel both hands) I needed to let them know before I go.

The response I got:
"Why didn't you just text us?"

 

[LBS-bass]

The response I got:
"Why didn't you just text us?"

Yep. It's not the big deal some people think it is. Certain things you really do need to do in person. Proposal of marriage? Yep, get down on that knee and make sure you have the ring. But there are two big reasons you might want to resign by text.

1) It can be a major inconvenience to get a bunch of people together when you know that your purpose for doing it is not what they think it's going to be. Nobody ever said "let's get together this Wednesday so I can tell you I'm quitting." Nope, they all come out thinking it's going to be a normal practice and then the bomb is dropped. It's a little rude to waste their time that way.

2) If there's an emotional component to it (say you're firing someone and not quitting), it sets up a situation where someone runs the risk of doing or saying something they'll be embarrassed about. One guy cried when he was let go from one of my bands. That's not the last image anyone wants in their head of that guy and I'm sure he was embarrassed by it, too. Or, maybe someone wants to argue with you about your decision. That's uncomfortable and awkward and you don't owe anyone a lengthy explanation of anything.

I quit one band by text- I was planning to do it at our next rehearsal but they kept cancelling rehearsal and I didn't want to keep holding the info back from them. So eventually I texted them and told them I'd come to the next rehearsal as a support player. We did that, and it was fine, and they were able to find someone else for the following week. It's just not as big a deal as some people want it to be.

 

[micguy]

People that are unaware/clueless of their own BS do not suddenly, when someone calls them out on their crap in a group email, suddenly think "you know, he's right, in the future I'll grow into a better, more self aware person." They will, however, tell everyone they know about your "insensitivity" (they may use other words) if you quit that way. You may also find that one of the members you'd be OK working with shows up in your future (often they will quit once someone else does), and the way you quit can affect your future in that situation.

Call them up, tell them you've appreciated the opportunity to make music with them, and that you'll be leaving the band as of (fill in your date). If you have to do it in an email, although I'd advise against it, be short, polite, factual, and courteous, and be done with it. Brevity is your friend. Bringing up other peoples' stuff is not.

 

[DJ Bebop]

Yep. It's not the big deal some people think it is. Certain things you really do need to do in person. Proposal of marriage? Yep, get down on that knee and make sure you have the ring. But there are two big reasons you might want to resign by text.

1) It can be a major inconvenience to get a bunch of people together when you know that your purpose for doing it is not what they think it's going to be. Nobody ever said "let's get together this Wednesday so I can tell you I'm quitting." Nope, they all come out thinking it's going to be a normal practice and then the bomb is dropped. It's a little rude to waste their time that way.

2) If there's an emotional component to it (say you're firing someone and not quitting), it sets up a situation where someone runs the risk of doing or saying something they'll be embarrassed about. One guy cried when he was let go from one of my bands. That's not the last image anyone wants in their head of that guy and I'm sure he was embarrassed by it, too. Or, maybe someone wants to argue with you about your decision. That's uncomfortable and awkward and you don't owe anyone a lengthy explanation of anything.

I quit one band by text- I was planning to do it at our next rehearsal but they kept cancelling rehearsal and I didn't want to keep holding the info back from them. So eventually I texted them and told them I'd come to the next rehearsal as a support player. We did that, and it was fine, and they were able to find someone else for the following week. It's just not as big a deal as some people want it to be.

I did explain why I did it, the old man thing of being upfront and not leaving anything to chance or for a misunderstanding. They got it but still said I could have texted and they would have been fine. They did reflect on one guy who did the opposite, was dodging them and not showing up, finally, it came out but they wasted a lot of time, so they appreciate that.

Plus again I am old and I had just gotten my first cell phone after 30+ years with just a landline and an AOL email account so communicating with the youth in this fashion was new and foreign to me.

 

[basseux]

Old guy here.

So I have believed this all along, face to face, no missundetstands, until I was in a band with younger cats.

It got to the point that I needed to move on, no drama. So I had them meet together at the practice place, wanting to tell them in person, like an adult. After I said all the stuff on his I enjoyed it and such but because of my heath issues (carpal tunnel both hands) I needed to let them know before I go.

The response I got:
"Why didn't you just text us?"

lol

"Oh, you quit ? Let me remove you from the whatsapp group first"

I recently quited through group chat discussion, trying to talk again of stuff that were discussed in person in rehearsals, about practicing before rehearsals, learning more songs etcetera.
Since rehearsals where droped for no valid reasons, I tried one last time to stear the ship through chat, but they still wanted to drive it straight into the iceberg, so I jumped ship.

If they could remove me from band promotion pictures without me asking, I would be glad.

 

[Bass Ameg]

"My tolerance level is low for the nonsense eminating from the husband and wife who run the band"

Zakk, is that you? ))

 

[badinage]

I've separated from a band storming out in a cursing rage, also with handshakes and hugs, even once it began with me getting an email from their lawyer. Variety being the spice of life, as it is said.

Y'all are way overthinking this.