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How to approach a touchy subject

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#101
BayStateBass said:
You know, in all of this, the statement above really caught my eye.

If they would have no problem talking to you about something you're doing that they didn't like, what would be wrong with you doing the same?

If they could dish it out but not take it, that's an issue.

If the real issue here is that the thought of the possible confrontation makes you uneasy, then it's within your ability to change that.

As with most any mature relationship, all parties involved should be able to express their opinions and receive constructive criticism in a calm manner. Unfortunately, this is often not the case (I have a bit of conflict avoidance in my personality, so don't think I'm being all 'holier than thou', I'm usually the pacifier in the groups I'm in), but if they feel comfortable talking to you about issues, maybe you could do the same? If not, then there might be some deeper issues that could lead to trouble later.
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+1

lowgun - that also caught my eye and I thought/think the same thing - no?
 
#103
lowgun said:
good point. ive thought about that and it WAS the reason for my original post. i wanted advice on how to go about talking to them. weight and body image in this country are a very touchy issue. when my guitarists and i have a difference of opinion or don't like something, we approach eachother without issue. the bottom line is they HAVENT approached me and told me they don't like it, so i no its not a problem. in this particular, touchy, situation, i wanted advice from others on if i should be tactful or blunt or whatever. that's all
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If you do choose to address it, I'd be tactful.

A long time ago, a mentor I had in management taught me;

"The truth is always bearable when told with compassion, honesty, and a willingness to listen to the other person".

Good luck, dude. I'm sure you'll do the right thing.
 
#104
This is a tough one.......

I'm not sure anyone can give you the right answer here, it's more about what you feel you should do.

Obviously this bothers you, and to just let it fester is not going to your psyche any good.

I don't agree with showing them pictures. I don't care for the whole "shock therapy" thing, really. But that's just me.

If you really need to get it off your chest, I would probably have a private conversation with each of them, especially the sensitive one. To do it in a band setting would likely be somewhat humiliating for them.

Here's an idea;

If you guys are close and it's possible, invite them to come to the gym with you. Maybe if you get them into a workout routine it could change everything for everyone! Seriously.
 
#107
After thinking about this, I realized that ANY band I've ever been in would have used this as a reason to mock and belittle each other... rock and roll is inherently politically incorrect, and if you have the stones to put up with public exposure, a little honesty shouldn't be too much to handle... Lowgun must be a nice fella to be concerned about his friends feelings. Personally, I would have ridden this pony all the way home.
 
#109
BayStateBass said:
If they would have no problem talking to you about something you're doing that they didn't like, what would be wrong with you doing the same?

If they could dish it out but not take it, that's an issue.
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Not all comments are equal.

Them: "Dudes, we wish you'd keep your shirts on when we play. We might be coming off a bit fratty."

Y'all: "Dudes, *you're* fat and embarrassing."

Should you all be able to speak your minds w/o malice? Yes. In the non-theoretical world, though, the folks carrying stigmatized traits are likely to have been made sensitive about prejudice against those traits. Just the way it often is.

BTW, lowgun, kudos to you for how well you keep your internet cool in the face of what's sometimes seemed on this thread like pretty personal criticism.
 
#110
Floyd Eye said:
your image is not helped by appearing on stage without a shirt or shoes
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... or in shorts! :p

lowgun said:
^^^ id like to add, yes this PARTICULAR confrontation makes me uneasy. if it didn't, i would not have started the thread or sought out advice, i would have just said something
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See, IMO this is your good sense telling you "No."

As I said in my post, I would not feel comfortable broaching this topic. I don't think it's a good idea. Regardless of whether I think you should keep your shirt on doesn't matter. You're most likely going to cause some hard feelings bringing this up. Unfortunately I learned this the hard way. Even if they're "cool, ok" and all like good with it, I am confident they will resent the discussion.

Do you want that?
 
#111
derrico1 said:
Not all comments are equal.

Them: "Dudes, we wish you'd keep your shirts on when we play. We might be coming off a bit fratty."

Y'all: "Dudes, *you're* fat and embarrassing."

Should you all be able to speak your minds w/o malice? Yes. In the non-theoretical world, though, the folks carrying stigmatized traits are likely to have been made sensitive about prejudice against those traits. Just the way it often is.

BTW, lowgun, kudos to you for how well you keep your internet cool in the face of what's sometimes seemed on this thread like pretty personal criticism.
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Yeah, I see this. Good post. Point taken.
 
#114
guy n. cognito said:
Yes, it was clearly a questions with a specific answer in mind.
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no, when i ask for advice i relinquish all control over the advice i get. however, when somebody takes no time to read the conversation or misunderstands the question and posts something mean or ignorant i correct them. that way hopefully said poster can understand the question im actually asking and respond with something meaningful. i sincerely thank you for all of your input so far
 
#117
BayStateBass said:
If you do choose to address it, I'd be tactful.

A long time ago, a mentor I had in management taught me;

"The truth is always bearable when told with compassion, honesty, and a willingness to listen to the other person".

Good luck, dude. I'm sure you'll do the right thing.
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Didn't you leave out the management mentor's last line - "BTW, You're fired!"

MysticMichael said:
You and drummer boy need to set the example: From now on, everyone plays fully clothed. :eyebrow:

MM
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You know, maybe you should amend MM's rule to: "From now on all male band members play fully clothed. Future female members can go 'Bare as they Dare'. :eek: :smug:

(Recheck avatar...yup. It's a Pig!)
 
#118
lowgun, after rereading this thread unless you have a special relationship with your band mates - this may be the best advice here - and I encourage you to give it thought. Good luck and best wishes bass bro.

ChrisB2 said:
As I said in my post, I would not feel comfortable broaching this topic. I don't think it's a good idea. Regardless of whether I think you should keep your shirt on doesn't matter. You're most likely going to cause some hard feelings bringing this up. Unfortunately I learned this the hard way. Even if they're "cool, ok" and all like good with it, I am confident they will resent the discussion.

Do you want that?
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