Is my friend a bad person?

[Fender4Me]

hiding basses or guitars would never work here. my husband, a hobby luthier and bigtime guitar and bass fan, is on a first name basis with every bass here - even though they don't have names

i usually get a bass, amp or something gear related for anniversaries, birthdays and christmas. come to think of it, i got a medium scale mezzo from arie for christmas and the ultra short smallguitars MB2 for my birthday. i got my husband a bass for his birthday and a discontinued guitar for... was it christmas? maybe...



guess i'm not a good woman, and my husband's not a good man. we don't sneak or have secrets, and we're perfectly happy without them



from his posts, sounds like he has one. no idea why he had to sneak.

pcake, Im sure you are a fine woman. My comment was a little "tongue in cheek". No offense meant

 

[chadds]

There are binarians?
Are they the "that's just wrong!" peeps?
Or are they the "it's cool doesn't matter" peeps?

What's the name for recognizing we all are a work in progress?
What's the name for wanting to depend on your mates in a romantic relationship or in a band?

There is a huge benefit to being trustworthy. Your word, your behavior is predictable and consistent. When it's not, your mates can trust that you discerned that unique circumstances appeared and that you followed through considering all of it.

It's so like being in a band. Right when you extend a deep groove because everyone is dancing or the singer adds new verses, does everyone just stop and say, "what are you doing?" Do they make a steady platform to jump from so the whole band soars? Trust. It's built from trust.

 

[Yellow Bang66]

So my friend - I'll call him Bob - told his wife yesterday that he had to take one of his basses down to the shop to have some work done on it. Then he took an empty bass case, kissed her goodbye, loaded the case into his car's trunk and headed to the store.
At the store Bob tried out a bass he was interested in and discovered he really liked it. Bob had cash on him that he had taken from a hidden spot in his garage where he puts money from gigs and stuff he sells, so he paid for the bass, asked the store to set it up etc and told them he would pick it up the next day. Then he went home and just left the empty case in his trunk.
The next day Bob went back to the store to pick up his new bass, put it in the case, went home and told his wife he was going to go to his music room to test out the repaired bass. After a little test - just a few hours - the new bass just slipped into the collection with his other dozen or so basses.
Bob says he really didn't intend to deceive anyone... it just happened. Is this normal behavior, or is my friend a bad person?

I'm gonna say this is not Normal. sneaking around, hiding money & posessions is kinda deceitful,It sure isnt honest behavior,I'm sure Bob would not appreciate it if he found out his wife was stashing money and running around(sneaking)& hiding things from him! obviously their relationship is not "healthy" if he cant be honest & tell his wife about wanting/purchasing a new instrument. I hope im never in a situation where I would have go to such elaborate antics just to get a new bass! Lying is lying.

 

[JRA]

it's less finger-wagging moralism and more "FFS, more of this?! Enough already." I'm also distracting myself from a boring and frustrating post-incident review at work, so the five-whys thing is a little more prominent in my mind than usual.

got it! good luck with 'letting go' and with your review at work!

There are binarians?

right here, every day...you must be new here!

What's the name for recognizing we all are a work in progress?

"mom," "spouse," "neighbor," "boss," "pastor," etc.

What's the name for wanting to depend on your mates in a romantic relationship or in a band?

mate = "hopeful," "trusting"
band = "sucker"

There is a huge benefit to being trustworthy.

without doubt!

 

[JGbassman]

If you are lying to your wife, it's not good, and a definite black mark on your character.

There is nothing wrong with saving up money for a new toy provided you aren't making everything else struggle because of it. Everything is based on being reasonable. If you have to sneak a bass and feel it's ok, what else will you justify being ok to hide from your wife?

 

[VincentGrim]

If I pulled a lever in our living room and unveiled a trap door to my gf's secret shoe collection (it ain't secret), I would find it hilarious. No part of me would spiral down into "what else are they hidin" or, "oh no, my relationship's integrity".
Everyone "lies". Bob's situation seems like the kind of thing that two people who don't live in fear of each other, and/or have massive sticks up their you-know-what, could laugh off.

I predict that when Bob come clean, he might get chuckled at and she might think he is ridiculous for 15-20 seconds. She may get inspired to get herself something. Then they'll move on, their happy marriage having survived a dreaded bass acquisition.


Some of y'all need to lighten up.

 

[EatS1stBassist]

puh-leeze - not all women are alike. i own 2 pairs of athletic shoes, my work boots, a cheap pair of flats, and one bag - no brand, not leather. i do, however, own 8 basses (give or take, i have a lot of churn), a guitar and a keyboard - and an edrum kit.

That's awesome pcake!

 

[EatS1stBassist]

The lies my wife told me over the first 30 years has garnered me a boat load of instruments. Just saying. She helped me get my newest score! Which is the Very Rare Antigua body I just got from DarkHorse. If you are going to lie to me you better bring on the candy! Goes both ways. BTW I love my wife of 41 years dearly or no amount of gifts would have won me over.

 

[nnnnnn]

seems like you have your moral limits and boundaries almost figured out --- good luck!

I don't understand. The bit of my post that you highlighted was essentially saying that we all make rash decisions from time to time - isn't that true?

 

[EatS1stBassist]

I don't understand. The bit of my post that you highlighted was essentially saying that we all make rash decisions from time to time - isn't that true?

Oh yes!

 

[JRA]

we all make rash decisions from time to time - isn't that true?

yes, it's true IME. maybe i wasn't clear in my 'appreciation' of your POV = i thought it was funny!

 

[Koshchei]

Nope.

How others see us may restrict the range of options we're comfortable or capable of pursuing. The personal economics of benefit vs cost are the ultimate arbiter. And there is always the option to say "no" in any event. But it doesn't change us or define who we are.

Past behaviors sometimes establish patterns that allow us to predict the behaviors of others, and allow other people to better predict our own. But that's still just playing the odds. Past behavior is no guarantee of one's future behavior, or somebody's reaction to a given situation. Especially if that situation is outside the individual's prior scope or experience. People become significantly more unpredictable in strange surroundings and situations.

Until we internalize and actualize who we want to be it's nothing more than a personal goal. And if you start believing that you've accomplished that goal before you have actually done so, you've become delusional. (There's a lot of that present in the world motivational thinking.) Merely wanting something doesn't accomplish it. It just (hopefully) provides sufficient motivation to help you succeed in doing so. But like Yogi said: "It ain't over till it's over."

"Self" is not an abstraction nor a tug of war IMO. It's an observable dynamic between our various brain centers. There's been enough solid neurological research combined with modern imaging technology to start to give us a better understanding of its mechanisms. Be interesting to see if it one day allows us to locate and peer into the proverbial "seat of the soul." Time will tell.

But all this would take far more typing to get into and discuss online than I'm up for. So I'll leave it at that. Feel free to disagree. It's all still an open inquiry. And nobody has the come up with the final word on the subject yet.

I suggest you read up on modern psychology - you're a few decades out of date.

1) "How others see us" - "self" is not an impermeable barrier. How you are treated, and how you react to this treatment affects who you are; it becomes habitual at first, and then integral to a person's identity and subjecthood over time.

2) Your experiences provide you with the context and schema that you use to interpret and interact with the world. While other factors, like obligation or want, might influence you to act in one way over another, they're still subject to your past. If it was as you say, just a matter of luck, things like religion, advertising, and propaganda wouldn't work. Being raised in a similar context to everyone else makes you respond in a similar way to the rest of them when stimulus is applied.

3) You're conflating "ought" and "ideal" selves. See: Self-discrepancy theory - Wikipedia

4) I think we're a lot further along than you think we are. But that's ok.

I'll leave it at that, because we're off in the weeds.

 

[bassdude51]

He's a bad person and he did a good thing.

 

[Eilif]

Good or bad person is a judgement of totality I'm not prepared to make. Sneaking behind your wife's back to deliberately lie to her is however not normal or "good behavior".

Great to hear from you lomo! I fessed up to my wife this morning and she laughed her head off. She also says I deserve the fact the bass turned out to be defective and needs to be returned.

Your wife is clearly a wonderful person and loves you. This suggests to me that you have good qualities that have placed you firmly in her affections.

You don't know me from Adam but I humbly advise you to take her response not as license to do likewise but instead as undeserved grace and a chance to behave better in the future.

 

[Mikey C]

I've been in the same conundrum. Over the years, I've settled on buying the bass, amp, whatever (after making sure it doesn't impact our finances) and then showing my wife how proud I am of the new gear. She understands and it sets the precedent that I don't have to run every purchase by her first. I certainly don't deceive her in any way. I hope this helps.

 

[DWBass]

Do what ya gotta do!! Wouldn't work with my wife. She knows what every one of my basses look like. Down to the color and how many strings. She would know instantly if a new sheriff was in town!!

 

[Michedelic]

Um..... first off, your friend is a liar.

He didn't just lie to his wife. He lied to you when he said he "didn't intend to deceive anyone". That's pure BS. He took the empty case to the store. That's intent. So he DID "intend to deceive".

I have no use for a liar.

I don't have to deal with "humanity". I have to deal with individuals. If I know, or strongly suspect, you are a liar, then you are an individual for whom I have no use.

It wasn't like he was banging the sales girl. As far as we know...

 

[Michedelic]

I'd call Jake from State Farm, and see what he has to say.

 

[EatS1stBassist]

I'd call Jake from State Farm, and see what he has to say.

Bwhahahahaha! Lmao! Really who is this at 3 in the morning?

 

[40Hz]

@Koshchei - I'm actually quite up on modern psychology, economics, and ethics thank you very much.

BTW, my SO holds a graduate degree in cognitive and experimental psychology. I read through a lot of her course material and research studies while she was working on it and had numerous discussions with her and some of her fellow candidates and professors on the subject. So sorry to disappoint. But I'm hardly "decades" out of date on the subject.

I'm also glad you subscribe to Higgins. His is one theory of self. But like so many theories of self, the jury is still out on it. And there has been research that contradicts some of its core premises. So you'll have to forgive me for not signing on to the bandwagon just yet.

As far as being further along than I think we are, any researcher I've ever spoken to takes pains to emphasize it's still very early and far more research is needed before anything more than the most tentative conclusions can be drawn. So if I'm being cautious about supposed breakthroughs at least I seem to be in good company.

But you're right. We are out in the weeds. I'm out. It's been fun this brief back and forth. Be well!