I've given my notice... now this...

[jdh3000]

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i'm not sure that i've ever quit a band (i've been fired!), but i've definitely had that feeling of "where is the exit?!"

if you're beating yourself up and agonizing over the BL's reaction (after giving your notice) you may be looking for some version of 'control' --- 'insisting' on a specific outcome that requires that the BL behave the way you want/need. that isn't working for the BL (looking from his POV)...i doubt that it will work for you!

my advice: finish out your gigs according to your plan. leave. don't look back. let it go. good luck!

Thank you! I think you are right, somewhere in my mind I'm wanting some kind of appreciation for having been there through it all and trying to leave the right way, and wanting him to know that the only reason for my departure are the ones I mentioned. I believe he thimks is something else.
Yes his POV is very different. He has a big name in the music scene around here and all he can see is the possibility of the first gig with a new member going less than desired... probably remembering my first gig with them, lol!

You are so right, I'll just finish the remainder of my time, just business as usual, with no expectations from anyone.

 

[JRA]

all he can see is the possibility of the first gig with a new member going less than desired

i hope that your newer/personal priorities go smoothly for you and that you can jump back 'into it' if/when you want! best of luck!

 

[jdh3000]

I want to let everyone know it is reasonable to give 2 weeks notice like a job and that's ok. if you want to help fine but don't feel obligated. most bands will drop you in a heartbeat if need be so don't go out of your way unless they are your friends and really your friends and not just band friends. i feel like a lot of musicians have a misguided sense of lets not let the band down. sometimes people need to be let down and figure some stuff out.

Well the keyboard player and I have been in different bands together over the last 20 years. We are friends and I wouldn't want to mess anything up for him. He got me an audition in this band.

The BL has been decent enough to work for so I feel like he deserves the notice.
I know the new guy coming in and want to help him get settled as well.
I think the BL believes I am upset about something and that I'm not leaving for the reasons I gave.

I just want to go out on goid terms and, if my situation ever changes and they need me, I may go back.

I know he's just thinking about his reputation, worried about how gigs will go after I'm gome, and can't see it from my point of view.

 

[Kitsapbass]

I wouldn’t feel guilty.

 

[lfmn16]

You're good, aslong as you gave them enough notice! Not to long ago I quit a job, They were good to me but just couldnt compete with big companies! I gave them plenty of notice( 2 weeks + offered to train & ease the transition). They were a little upset,but accepted it, They didnt look for a replacement at all & piled on more work as my final day approached! I had to get out ( senioritis) They were very reluctant to move on refused to let me use my vacation time, so i could leave early! so I wrote a letter letting them know I was grateful but had to go on my way.cut clean, & rip off that bandage!

Sound like some real jerks. I've been an IT manager for 20+ years. If someone gives me notice I give them every possible accommodation. I've had more than one come back. What goes around comes around.

When I got a computer science degree one of my instructors was a real jerk, well over half the classes were "group projects" and he didn't even come to class. In my first IT job, after I'd been there about 6 months, guess who walks through the door looking for a job?? I told the boss that I knew him. I didn't trash him, but I made sure he didn't get the job.

 

[kesslari]

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i'm not sure that i've ever quit a band (i've been fired!), but i've definitely had that feeling of "where is the exit?!"

if you're beating yourself up and agonizing over the BL's reaction (after giving your notice) you may be looking for some version of 'control' --- 'insisting' on a specific outcome that requires that the BL behave the way you want/need. that isn't working for the BL (looking from his POV)...i doubt that it will work for you!

my advice: finish out your gigs according to your plan. leave. don't look back. let it go. good luck!

This is profoundly good advice. Basing our happiness on someone else's behavior often works out poorly. It's helpful for me to reframe my "he/she is being a jerk" to "he/she is not behaving the way I think they should".

 

[DWBass]

I just quit my band of 3 years. I wouldn't give a rats @$$ if the BL was still upset. I offered to cover gigs that he couldn't find a sub/replacement. The way I see it, I don't have to be annoyed with the way the band is run anymore. He can do what he wants. Being upset with me won't make me come back. That's wasted energy. Find a replacement and move on.

Note: I thought I'd mentioned BL had been doing 'Lite' gigs with a stripped down version of the band using other musicians on keys or bass. Obviously he doesn't need me. Still he replied to my email 'Hey, what's going on?' I just said it's time for me to move on to other things.

 

[jdh3000]

You didn’t say how much notice you gave - how long you are staying, and how many shows, before you actually leave. What seems ample time to you, may not to them. Also, did you sign any contracts? If so, that may complicate your being able to just leave.

No contracts, if there were I would quit under the conditions of the contract, or break it if my family's wellbeing is at stake; under which case I wouldn't be wondering why the BL is upset.

I'm giving them way more time than than they had with me to get a new bass player up to speed.
I'm sure he would've like to have had 6 months to a year's notice. What they do with the time is up to them.
Most players around here just quit with little or no notice. If someone got 2 weeks notice I'd be supprised.
I'm not doing that to anyone. 20 plus years ago I did those things, but time has taught me ethics and respect. I know how I'd feel to have someone leave without giving me time to prepare.

I know the BL is thinking about how badly things can go with a missing spoke out of the wheel, but if they use the time wisely, they should be able to pick up and keep going without missing a beat, judging by the transition that took place when I joined.

 

[JRA]

This is profoundly good advice. Basing our happiness on someone else's behavior often works out poorly. It's helpful for me to reframe my "he/she is being a jerk" to "he/she is not behaving the way I think they should".

well, in practice (per the OP): both ideas are probably true = "the BL is behaving like a jerk and i expect/want/need something different from him for my own agenda."

 

[JeezyMcNuggles]

After 5 years I'm leaving the band for personal reasons. It's family matters and they come first.

I've given ample notice since gigs are pending, but the BL is still upset with me.
I understand his frustration, but i didn't just quit. I've even made my replacement up a songlist with song title/artist names, which is more than he'll get from the BL.
I even offered to help my replacement, if he wants it, with some of the arrangements.

The bands been good to me and I wouldn't want to leave on bad terms, but this is the part I hate... waiting out those last gigs knowing how the BL feels, instead of being thankful I didn't leave him in a lurch.

I really don't know what else I could do. It is what it is.

How has your experience been with having to quit? Did you ever feel that "I wish I could just go now" feeling?

I really need to go now but I'll stick it out until the date I gave them.

Last band I quit, I just let them all know I'm done, and to start looking for another bass player. If a show popped up before that happened, I'd still play the show. When they did find another bass player, I sent him all the recordings, and I even tabbed out Guitar Pro files for him. But, I'm just a nice guy like that.

 

[Wasnex]

After 5 years I'm leaving the band for personal reasons. It's family matters and they come first.

I've given ample notice since gigs are pending, but the BL is still upset with me.
I understand his frustration, but i didn't just quit. I've even made my replacement up a songlist with song title/artist names, which is more than he'll get from the BL.
I even offered to help my replacement, if he wants it, with some of the arrangements.

The bands been good to me and I wouldn't want to leave on bad terms, but this is the part I hate... waiting out those last gigs knowing how the BL feels, instead of being thankful I didn't leave him in a lurch.

I really don't know what else I could do. It is what it is.

How has your experience been with having to quit? Did you ever feel that "I wish I could just go now" feeling?

I really need to go now but I'll stick it out until the date I gave them.

It's impossible to say what exactly the bandleaders attitude is, as you don't really give any details. I think it is not to unrealistic for the bandleader to be a bit hurt and disappointed if you are a good player and the two of you had a good relationship. But IMHO it's selfish if the bandleader cannot allow you to do what is best for you and your family.

People tend to act in their own self interest. Unfortunately this conditions many people to behave in a selfish and childish manner. Also, in my experience it's fairly common for boss's to make a big deal out of loyalty, but when the chips are down, loyalty only flows one way. In other words they expect loyalty, but they don't think it's necessary to be loyal.

You did the right thing. You gave notice and have put an effort into ensuring the transition to the new bass player was as smooth as possible. There is really very little more that can realistically be expected of you. Be proud of yourself, because IMHO you truly acted as a professional.

If the bandleader is acting petty and small, there is not really much you can do about it, without compromising your professionalism. My advice is stay the course, do the best you can, and take comfort in knowing it will be over soon.

One thing to add. I do think you need to maintain healthy professional boundaries. So if the bandleader is engaging in abusive behavior, you need to take immediate action to stop it. I would suggest a private conversation. Giving notice and helping with the transition is a professional courtesy that should help both the employer and transitioning employee. If there is no perceived benefit, then perhaps the bandleader would prefer to ask for your immediate resignation. Make it a choice, treat me with respect or ask for my resignation.

 

[kevindahl]

It never ever feels good to have to leave a project due to family/personal reasons especially if the gig is good.

 

[thisheregiraffe]

How has your experience been with having to quit?

The last time I had to leave a band (also the last time I was in a band!), it was a pretty sudden thing where I had been selected to go abroad on a volunteer program that I had applied for and only had around 2-3 months to prep for leaving (quit the band, quit my job, give away a bunch of my stuff, find a place to store the things I wanted to keep, etc.) I felt like I was leaving the guys in the lurch and was super stressed about telling them the news. I wasn't going to have the time to help get a replacement up to speed or anything like that. My bandmates were truly good friends; nobody was upset at all when I told them about it, they were all happy for me. "How long until you leave? We've gotta get in the studio before you go!" I got in one more gig and we managed to record a 7" before I left.

 

[bassbrad]

Bowing out gracefully is the best you can hope for, if that ain't gonna be the case then frak them all. I would feel more concern for the replacement or the rest of the players the BL if they are going to act that way does not deserve any consideration in my book. Respect is earned from showing respect and responsibility.

 

[jdh3000]

It's impossible to say what exactly the bandleaders attitude is, as you don't really give any details. I think it is not to unrealistic for the bandleader to be a bit hurt and disappointed if you are a good player and the two of you had a good relationship. But IMHO it's selfish if the bandleader cannot allow you to do what is best for you and your family.

People tend to act in their own self interest. Unfortunately this conditions many people to behave in a selfish and childish manner. Also, in my experience it's fairly common for boss's to make a big deal out of loyalty, but when the chips are down, loyalty only flows one way. In other words they expect loyalty, but they don't think it's necessary to be loyal.

You did the right thing. You gave notice and have put an effort into ensuring the transition to the new bass player was as smooth as possible. There is really very little more that can realistically be expected of you. Be proud of yourself, because IMHO you truly acted as a professional.

If the bandleader is acting petty and small, there is not really much you can do about it, without compromising your professionalism. My advice is stay the course, do the best you can, and take comfort in knowing it will be over soon.

One thing to add. I do think you need to maintain healthy professional boundaries. So if the bandleader is engaging in abusive behavior, you need to take immediate action to stop it. I would suggest a private conversation. Giving notice and helping with the transition is a professional courtesy that should help both the employer and transitioning employee. If there is no perceived benefit, then perhaps the bandleader would prefer to ask for your immediate resignation. Make it a choice, treat me with respect or ask for my resignation.

Thank you! You're right, I didn't give all the details. I had first written everything that was going on but thought twice about it and made it more to the point.

He's not being abusive, and I hope he can eventually understand. He knows our situation with raising two grandkids, one with special needs.
It's not like my wife was just wanting me to quit, which in 25 years she's never asked me to do with any band.

There's really nothing more I can do but finish it out. Yes it would be easier to just go, but it would be in poor taste. Even if he was being a total jerk, the other guys in the band deserve a chance, I'd sure try to stick it out for them. One I've known and played music with over 20 years.

I know he's hurt, and probably thinks my leaving is for some other reason. I had no intentions of leaving before circumstances changed.

 

[dbsfgyd1]

After 5 years I'm leaving the band for personal reasons. It's family matters and they come first.

I've given ample notice since gigs are pending, but the BL is still upset with me.
I understand his frustration, but i didn't just quit. I've even made my replacement up a songlist with song title/artist names, which is more than he'll get from the BL.
I even offered to help my replacement, if he wants it, with some of the arrangements.

The bands been good to me and I wouldn't want to leave on bad terms, but this is the part I hate... waiting out those last gigs knowing how the BL feels, instead of being thankful I didn't leave him in a lurch.

I really don't know what else I could do. It is what it is.

How has your experience been with having to quit? Did you ever feel that "I wish I could just go now" feeling?

I really need to go now but I'll stick it out until the date I gave them.

If you got to go, you got to go. Part of the BL job is personnel. By offering to help with finding a suitable replacement you’ve gone above an beyond. Bands are not lifetime commitments, and a BL worth his salt should understand.

 

[DirtDog]

After 5 years I'm leaving the band for personal reasons. It's family matters and they come first.

I've given ample notice since gigs are pending, but the BL is still upset with me.
I understand his frustration, but i didn't just quit. I've even made my replacement up a songlist with song title/artist names, which is more than he'll get from the BL.
I even offered to help my replacement, if he wants it, with some of the arrangements.

The bands been good to me and I wouldn't want to leave on bad terms, but this is the part I hate... waiting out those last gigs knowing how the BL feels, instead of being thankful I didn't leave him in a lurch.

I really don't know what else I could do. It is what it is.

How has your experience been with having to quit? Did you ever feel that "I wish I could just go now" feeling?

I really need to go now but I'll stick it out until the date I gave them.

In the two cases I quit happening bands, I gave my notice and was prepared to play out all the gigs I agreed to. In both cases my replacement was ready well before those dates. I was happy to pass the torch sooner rather than later.

In the situation you describe, I’d be mindful of the BL trying to scuttle your departure and do everything he can to keep you from leaving by your intended date. It’s all about him making it easier on him and not having any empathy for your situation.

It’d be bad enough if this was a career gig, even more ridiculous if this is a hobby gig.

 

[Zooberwerx]

I was let go from a band a few years ago due to an altercation with the bands Sound Man. Anyway the BL let ne know it wasn't a good fit but asked me if I would play out upcoming gigs. I never burn a bridge and said of course. this is a bit reversed from the OP but I wanted to share it.

I kinda read this as "You're fired but I want you to stick around until we recruit and train your replacement." I'd go along if I needed the dough and admitted to some degree of blame as to the stated altercation. OTOH, I'd then be a "hired gun" and my rates change dramatically as I'll no longer let it be determined by the take-at-the-door, etc.

Riis

 

[MrLenny1]

Well with no gigs per se it should be easy to
bring in a new bass player. He'll have palenty
of time before gigs pick up again.

 

[Pings Bass]

We can control our own actions, but not how others react.

If somebody reacts negatively to my actions, I reflect. Have I acted with integrity and with consideration for impacts on others? If yes, carry on. If not, make it right, then carry on.