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musician Joke time!

#44
walker rosewood said:
How do you get a guitarist to play quieter?

You put sheet music in front of them.
Click to expand...

How do you get them to shut up completely? Make sure the sheet music has dots, not chords.

The difference between an accordion and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.

The difference between an accordion and a trampoline? You take off your boots to jump on a trampoline.

You are driving home from the gig in the band truck and you see the drummer and the band manager beside the road. Which one do you run over first? The manager....business before pleasure!
 
#52
Makatak said:
Im sure these are facts , not jokes . Ill post them anyway !



Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ Test?

A: Saliva.



Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?

A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.



Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?

A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.



Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?

A: It saves time in the long run.



Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?

A: About three decibels.



Q: What is another term for trombone?

A: A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.



Q: What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?

A: A music critic.


Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?

A: Put it in a viola case.



Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?

A: You can tune a chainsaw*.



Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?

A: "Is that the banjo player's Porsche outside?"



Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.



Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?

A: Both command immediate attention, alarm and force everyone to move
out
of range.



Q: Why are violists fingers like lightning?

A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.



Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"

Friend: "I hope so."


Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong
pitch..


Did you hear about the tenor who was so arrogant the other tenors
noticed?


Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?

A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.


Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?

A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.



Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?

A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.



Q: What do all great conductors have in common?

A: They're all dead.



Q: How do you get a three-piece horn section to play in tune?

A: Shoot two of them.



Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?

A: They're both commit murder on the high Cs.*


Q: "How can you tell a sax player at a party?"

A: "Because he is the one telling everyone he is a sax player"*
Click to expand...



Dude, you are the Rupert Pupkin of musical humour.
 
#58
A guitarist is looking for the bass player at a gig, and finally finds him in the car park beating the you-know-what out of the roadie.
The guitarist says "Why are you doing that?"
Bass player: "This guy changed one of my strings and now it's out of tune!"
Guitarist: "Why don't you just fix it?"
Bass player: "He won't tell me which one it is!"

or

We couldn't play our last gig 'cos our guitarist locked his keys in the car with the drummer and they couldn't work out how to get him out.
 

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