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What's the funniest joke you know?
- Thread starter soulgeezer
- Start date
- Status
A guy's in line at the supermarket when a blonde at the back of the line starts waving to him.
He doesn't recognize her, so he walks over and says, "I'm sorry, do I know you?"
She says, "I think you might be the father of one of my children."
He says, "Wow...are you the stripper from my bachelor party, who I banged on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
She says, "No, I think I'm your son's English teacher."
He doesn't recognize her, so he walks over and says, "I'm sorry, do I know you?"
She says, "I think you might be the father of one of my children."
He says, "Wow...are you the stripper from my bachelor party, who I banged on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
She says, "No, I think I'm your son's English teacher."
I was having dinner in recently remodeled restaurant last week and happened to drop my spoon. When I asked the server for another, he removed one from his shirt pocket and handed it to me immediately. I was surprised by this and asked, how did you just happen to have one already?
He replied, during our remodel, management brought in efficiency experts, who suggested that if each server carried a set of silverware in our pocket, we wouldnt have to make an extra trip back to the kitchen each time a customer needed one, thus increasing productivity by 20%.
I was duly impressed and continued to dine. A short while late, I noticed that each of the male waiters had a string hanging from their fly, and of course I asked, ok, I understand the silverware and think its a great idea, but whats with the string?
He replied, The efficiency experts suggested that we could increase productivity by another 15% if we didnt have to wash our hands after using the restroom. At the beginning of our shift, each male server ties a string to their member, and by pulling the string is able to relieve themselves without touching their penis. Thus eliminating the need to wash.
While this made sense, I asked well how do you get your penis back into your pants?
He says, I dont know about the other guys, but Ive been using the spoon.
He replied, during our remodel, management brought in efficiency experts, who suggested that if each server carried a set of silverware in our pocket, we wouldnt have to make an extra trip back to the kitchen each time a customer needed one, thus increasing productivity by 20%.
I was duly impressed and continued to dine. A short while late, I noticed that each of the male waiters had a string hanging from their fly, and of course I asked, ok, I understand the silverware and think its a great idea, but whats with the string?
He replied, The efficiency experts suggested that we could increase productivity by another 15% if we didnt have to wash our hands after using the restroom. At the beginning of our shift, each male server ties a string to their member, and by pulling the string is able to relieve themselves without touching their penis. Thus eliminating the need to wash.
While this made sense, I asked well how do you get your penis back into your pants?
He says, I dont know about the other guys, but Ive been using the spoon.
At the gates of Heaven, St. Peter is waiting.
First person comes.
He: Knock... Knock...
St. P: Who is it?
He: It's me, the lawyer!
St. P: Oh, a lawyer! You belong down there.
So the lawyer goes down there.
Second person comes.
He: Knock... Knock...
St. P: Who is it?
He; It's me, the politician!
St. P: Oh, a politician! You belong down there!
So the politician goes down there.
Third person comes.
He: Knock... Knock...
St. P: Who is it?
He: It is I,...
St. P: Oh, a teacher! Come in!
First person comes.
He: Knock... Knock...
St. P: Who is it?
He: It's me, the lawyer!
St. P: Oh, a lawyer! You belong down there.
So the lawyer goes down there.
Second person comes.
He: Knock... Knock...
St. P: Who is it?
He; It's me, the politician!
St. P: Oh, a politician! You belong down there!
So the politician goes down there.
Third person comes.
He: Knock... Knock...
St. P: Who is it?
He: It is I,...
St. P: Oh, a teacher! Come in!
A lady walks into her daughter's room, and her daughter's doing herself with her vibrator.
She says, "My God! What are you doing?"
She says, "Ma, I'm forty years old. I don't even have a boyfriend. I'll never get married. This is my husband."
A few minutes later, her father walks in, and she's doing herself with the vibrator.
He says "My God! What are you doing?"
She says "Daddy, I'm forty years old. I don't even have a boyfriend. I'll never get married. This is my husband."
The next day, the mother and daughter go out shopping. When they get home, they walk into the kitchen, and there's the father...he's got a martini in one hand, and he's got the vibrator buzzing away in his ass.
Her mother says, "My God! What are you doing?"
He says, "I'm having a drink with my new son-in-law."
She says, "My God! What are you doing?"
She says, "Ma, I'm forty years old. I don't even have a boyfriend. I'll never get married. This is my husband."
A few minutes later, her father walks in, and she's doing herself with the vibrator.
He says "My God! What are you doing?"
She says "Daddy, I'm forty years old. I don't even have a boyfriend. I'll never get married. This is my husband."
The next day, the mother and daughter go out shopping. When they get home, they walk into the kitchen, and there's the father...he's got a martini in one hand, and he's got the vibrator buzzing away in his ass.
Her mother says, "My God! What are you doing?"
He says, "I'm having a drink with my new son-in-law."
A blonde walks into a store to buy a t.v.
She walks up to the salesman and says "I want to buy that t.v."
The salesman says "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes"
The woman goes home, puts on a wig, changes her makeup, and puts on a new dress.
She goes back to the store, walks up to the salesman and says "I want to buy that t.v."
The salesman says "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes"
The woman says "How did you know I'm a blonde?"
The salesman says "Because that's a f******* microwave"
She walks up to the salesman and says "I want to buy that t.v."
The salesman says "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes"
The woman goes home, puts on a wig, changes her makeup, and puts on a new dress.
She goes back to the store, walks up to the salesman and says "I want to buy that t.v."
The salesman says "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes"
The woman says "How did you know I'm a blonde?"
The salesman says "Because that's a f******* microwave"
A man walks into a bible bookstore and says to the owner,
"I w-w-w-want t-t-to s-sell b-b-b-bibles."
The owner replied, "I'm not sure; with your "condition" it may not work out."
The may persisted; "I w-w-w-want t-t-to s-sell b-b-bibles!"
The owner relented and gave him 10 bibles and said, "if you can sell those, come back and we'll what we can do."
An hour later the man came back empty handed and said, "I n-n-need mm-more b-b-b-bibles"
The owner was amazed, but gave him 10 more and told him to come back if he sold those.
An hour later, the man returned again and said, "I n-n-need mm-more b-b-b-bibles"
The owner, totally surprised, asked the man, "I don't understand how you do it! How do you sell that many bibles in such a short amount of time with your "condition"?"
The man said, "W-w-well...I g-go up to th-th-the d-door, and a-a-a-a-ask if they w-w-want to b-buy a b-b-b-bible, and when th-th-they say n-n-no, I just s-s-say, 'well, th-then, c-c-can I r-r-r-r-r-read it t-t-to you???'"
"I w-w-w-want t-t-to s-sell b-b-b-bibles."
The owner replied, "I'm not sure; with your "condition" it may not work out."
The may persisted; "I w-w-w-want t-t-to s-sell b-b-bibles!"
The owner relented and gave him 10 bibles and said, "if you can sell those, come back and we'll what we can do."
An hour later the man came back empty handed and said, "I n-n-need mm-more b-b-b-bibles"
The owner was amazed, but gave him 10 more and told him to come back if he sold those.
An hour later, the man returned again and said, "I n-n-need mm-more b-b-b-bibles"
The owner, totally surprised, asked the man, "I don't understand how you do it! How do you sell that many bibles in such a short amount of time with your "condition"?"
The man said, "W-w-well...I g-go up to th-th-the d-door, and a-a-a-a-ask if they w-w-want to b-buy a b-b-b-bible, and when th-th-they say n-n-no, I just s-s-say, 'well, th-then, c-c-can I r-r-r-r-r-read it t-t-to you???'"
A group of soldiers crosses the desert, and then they have to cross a river. They only have one camel, so they all climb on.
The sergeant gets behind the ears, and the rest climb on behind him. When they get halfway across the river, the sergeant sees two big tears in the eyes of the camel.
He says to the guy behind him, "Yo, the camel is crying."
That guy passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying," and he passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying," he passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying."
When they get to the guy who's riding the tail, they say, "Yo, the camel is crying,"
He says, "What the **** do you want me to do? If I take it out, I'll fall off."
The sergeant gets behind the ears, and the rest climb on behind him. When they get halfway across the river, the sergeant sees two big tears in the eyes of the camel.
He says to the guy behind him, "Yo, the camel is crying."
That guy passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying," and he passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying," he passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying."
When they get to the guy who's riding the tail, they say, "Yo, the camel is crying,"
He says, "What the **** do you want me to do? If I take it out, I'll fall off."
- Jan 29, 2007
- 5,123
- 2
- Disclosures
- Endorsing Artist: Red Zone Effects
A lady says to her husband "I had a dream last night.......they were auctioning off male parts. Little ones were $10 and big ones were $100"
The man says "Well what about something like mine?"
The woman says "They were giving them away"
The man says "Oh yeah, well I had a dream myself. They were auctioning off female parts. Big ones were $10 and little ones were $100"
The woman says "Well what about something like mine?"
The man says "That's where they held the auction"
The man says "Well what about something like mine?"
The woman says "They were giving them away"
The man says "Oh yeah, well I had a dream myself. They were auctioning off female parts. Big ones were $10 and little ones were $100"
The woman says "Well what about something like mine?"
The man says "That's where they held the auction"
A man says to his wife "Honey, I think you should start to go braless"
The woman says "Really? You think my breasts are still perky enough?"
He says "Nah, but it might pull the wrinkles out of your face"
The woman says "Really? You think my breasts are still perky enough?"
He says "Nah, but it might pull the wrinkles out of your face"
This is the short version.
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers. He gets the beers, drinks them and leaves. This goes on for weeks until finally the Bartender asks him why he always orders three beers.
The Irishman says "I just moved here from Ireland. I used to have a beer with my two brothers every night after work. Having the three beers reminds me of home."
Weeks later, the Irishman comes in and orders two beers. The Bartender gets him the beers and says "Sorry about your brother". The Irishman looks at him quizzically and then catches on. "Oh, there's nothing wrong with my brothers, I gave up beer for Lent."
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers. He gets the beers, drinks them and leaves. This goes on for weeks until finally the Bartender asks him why he always orders three beers.
The Irishman says "I just moved here from Ireland. I used to have a beer with my two brothers every night after work. Having the three beers reminds me of home."
Weeks later, the Irishman comes in and orders two beers. The Bartender gets him the beers and says "Sorry about your brother". The Irishman looks at him quizzically and then catches on. "Oh, there's nothing wrong with my brothers, I gave up beer for Lent."
LeRoy raced into Perkins General Store yelling at his buddy, "Bubba, somebody jest stole yer damn pickup rat out thar from the damn parking lot!"
"Didja see who done it?"
"Nope, but I got the license number."
Melvin grew confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathmatical help. She poked her head into his office and he said,
"You graduated from UNLV and I need your input. If I gave you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
"Everything but my earings."
"Didja see who done it?"
"Nope, but I got the license number."
Melvin grew confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathmatical help. She poked her head into his office and he said,
"You graduated from UNLV and I need your input. If I gave you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
"Everything but my earings."
How do you get 10 dead babie into a 5-gallon bucket?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
A bag of tortilla chips.
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