Whats the difference between a freezer and a vagina?
A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
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What's the funniest joke you know?
- Thread starter soulgeezer
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A guy walks into a brothel and says "I'd like oral sex"
One of the prostitutes says "That will be $100 sir"
The guy says "Ok" and takes out his penis and starts masturbating.
The prostitute says "What are you doing?"
The guy says "You think for $100 I'm gonna give you the easy one?"
One of the prostitutes says "That will be $100 sir"
The guy says "Ok" and takes out his penis and starts masturbating.
The prostitute says "What are you doing?"
The guy says "You think for $100 I'm gonna give you the easy one?"
Two nuns are driving down a foggy and eerie sideroad one night when Dracula lands on the hood of the car, salivating and looking for blood!!!
One nun asks the other: "What should we do!!!"
Second nun says:" I don't know!!! Get out and show him your cross!"
So the first nun gets out, walks to front of the car, points at Dracs and screams, "GET THE F*CK OFF OUR CAR!!!"
One nun asks the other: "What should we do!!!"
Second nun says:" I don't know!!! Get out and show him your cross!"
So the first nun gets out, walks to front of the car, points at Dracs and screams, "GET THE F*CK OFF OUR CAR!!!"
A family Doctor got a call from a frantic woman in the middle of the night, Doctor; come quick! My son swallowed a condom.
The Doctor replied, Ill be there in few minutes
　　
While the doctor was getting dressed, the women called again. She said Doctor, you dont have to come now
The Doctor asks Why? Did he vomit the condom out?
　　
No the woman said, My husband found another one.
The Doctor replied, Ill be there in few minutes
　　
While the doctor was getting dressed, the women called again. She said Doctor, you dont have to come now
The Doctor asks Why? Did he vomit the condom out?
　　
No the woman said, My husband found another one.
A farmer is sitting on his porch one day, and a kid comes by with a wagon full of duct tape. He shouts out "Hey kid! where ya goin with all that duct tape?"
The kid replies "I'm goin to get me some ducks!"
The farmer yells out "You idiot! you cant get ducks with duct tape!" to which the kid replies "Sure I can!"
The kid comes back later with a wagon full of ducks.
The next day the kid comes by the farmers house again with a wagon full of chicken wire. The farmer shouts "Where ya goin with all that chicken wire?"
The kid shouts back "I'm goin to get me come chickens!"
"You cant get chickens with chicken wire!"
"Sure I can!"
The kid returns later in the day with a wagon full of chickens.
The next day, the kid goes past the farmer's house with a wagon full of pussy willows.
The farmer shouts "Hold on a second kid! Let me get my hat."
The kid replies "I'm goin to get me some ducks!"
The farmer yells out "You idiot! you cant get ducks with duct tape!" to which the kid replies "Sure I can!"
The kid comes back later with a wagon full of ducks.
The next day the kid comes by the farmers house again with a wagon full of chicken wire. The farmer shouts "Where ya goin with all that chicken wire?"
The kid shouts back "I'm goin to get me come chickens!"
"You cant get chickens with chicken wire!"
"Sure I can!"
The kid returns later in the day with a wagon full of chickens.
The next day, the kid goes past the farmer's house with a wagon full of pussy willows.
The farmer shouts "Hold on a second kid! Let me get my hat."
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.
What if she's Japanese?
Irene.
Eileen.
What if she's Japanese?
Irene.
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you?"
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!"
"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor snickered and said, "Just scewing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you?"
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!"
"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor snickered and said, "Just scewing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
A man goes to the hospital with his pregnant wife in labor, and about to give birth. In the labor/delivery room, the doctor doing the delivery suddenly barked out a couple orders to the nurses, who immediately went and fetched a couple trays of strange-looking instruments. One of the nurses escorted him out of the room and into the waiting area, explaining that there were complications, and she would be having immediate surgery. Understandably freaked out, the man paced for about two hours.
A nurse finally came into the waiting area, and he immediately asked about his wife.
"She'll be fine, we'll have to keep her here for a few days."
"What about my baby?"
The nurse got a pained look on her face, and started to explain that the baby didn't fare as well, and would likely never be what one could call "normal". She offered to take him to the ICU nursery to see for himself. Off they went.
As he entered the ICU, the first bassinette had a very small preemie in it with a cleft palate...
"Oh my God! What could be worse? Is that my baby? Doesn't matter, this is my first child- I'll look after it and love it, and in a few years, maybe we can afford the surgery to fix that cleft palate..."
"No sir, she's not yours."
A sigh of relief from the man, until he saw the next bassinette. In it was a child with no legs, and stunted little arms, who had a very bad case of hydrocephalus. His head was about the size of a watermelon, and he was hooked up to a bunch of machines to keep him alive.
"Oh my God- what could be worse? Poor boy, he'll never get to run and play with other kids...I imagine the bills will about kill me! But it's my son..."
"Sir, he's not your child either" said the nurse. She led him over to another bassinette, and inside was a giant ear, a good six-pounder...
"OH MY GOD!" cried the man. "What could be worse?"
The nurse put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, looked him in the eye and said "He's stone deaf!"
A nurse finally came into the waiting area, and he immediately asked about his wife.
"She'll be fine, we'll have to keep her here for a few days."
"What about my baby?"
The nurse got a pained look on her face, and started to explain that the baby didn't fare as well, and would likely never be what one could call "normal". She offered to take him to the ICU nursery to see for himself. Off they went.
As he entered the ICU, the first bassinette had a very small preemie in it with a cleft palate...
"Oh my God! What could be worse? Is that my baby? Doesn't matter, this is my first child- I'll look after it and love it, and in a few years, maybe we can afford the surgery to fix that cleft palate..."
"No sir, she's not yours."
A sigh of relief from the man, until he saw the next bassinette. In it was a child with no legs, and stunted little arms, who had a very bad case of hydrocephalus. His head was about the size of a watermelon, and he was hooked up to a bunch of machines to keep him alive.
"Oh my God- what could be worse? Poor boy, he'll never get to run and play with other kids...I imagine the bills will about kill me! But it's my son..."
"Sir, he's not your child either" said the nurse. She led him over to another bassinette, and inside was a giant ear, a good six-pounder...
"OH MY GOD!" cried the man. "What could be worse?"
The nurse put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, looked him in the eye and said "He's stone deaf!"
the doctor jokes just reminded me of one:
A woman was giving birth in a hospital. The doctor came in delivered the baby and then proceeded to beat it against the walls, trays, floor... basically everything in sight. The woman shouts out "What the HELL are you doing to my baby!?!?!?"
The doctor replies "Relax, the baby was already dead."
A woman was giving birth in a hospital. The doctor came in delivered the baby and then proceeded to beat it against the walls, trays, floor... basically everything in sight. The woman shouts out "What the HELL are you doing to my baby!?!?!?"
The doctor replies "Relax, the baby was already dead."
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