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Yet another one didn't work out....

My buddy and I have played for years together. He's always been front man. Plays rythym guitar and know lyrics to quite a few songs.

For years we just messed around, he played and sang whatever he wanted, I played bass and sang backup harmonies.

We've both been in bands and the drama that goes with it. I suggested we form a duo. I've been working on a lot of my own songs now, as well as playing guitar rythym, leads, lyrics to the songs we've done and more of my own. My goal is to be able to go solo when and if I ever choose to. I do like playing with others.

When we formed as a duo I said he's gonna have to realize this is a partnership, not me just backing him. He agreed but it went in one ear and out the other.

The second gig we played he at one point started playing a song. Just strumming one chord. I said what song ? He said get to the mic. I said what song, again and this time with more robust he said get to your mic. I must have stared daggers, he then said 'I'll walk off stage right now, I'll do it'.

I went back to my mic and gave the best I could for the last set. Going home I reiterated what was said. When I got to the part about him saying he'd leave the stage he denied it. I said so what I heard you say wasn't said, it was something else? Yep.

We are buddies, we hang out, do different things together, but I was doing ALL the work. Setup, break down, got the first two gigs, my equipment and truck, he never offered to go less than 50/50 on the pay. But the real issue is him threatening to leave the stage, then lying and thinking it'll work out.

At the moment he said he'd walk off I knew I was through. I'll never play another gig with him. I'll already playing with other people and still practicing my solo material. Got a set of harmonicas and having a ball.

Like I said, I'll never play another gig with him. I'm pretty pissed at his behavior but not all that surprised. I haven't told him we're done. I could if I wanted to but I don't think I owe him that after what he pulled then lying about it.

I guess I'm just sharing a story and venting, chances are if I don't go out getting gigs we'll never play anyway. I know it's usually fair to be up front and honest with people but in this particular situation I've granted myself a pardon, and I don't feel the least bit guilty.

Other more experienced people I know that play out have said more than once to get rid of the anchor, and I think they are right.

Just gotta keep pushing forward. We get along pretty good but in a performance setting he seems to think he just has to show up and play...I need someone who has my back, to back me both career wise and musically. He's just not capable and I accept it. I knew going in it may or may not work out. It didn't and I think knowing that was a real possibility going in made it a whole lot easier to accept....
 
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So, if you're buds, and you "hang out doing other things", how's that gonna go? You're just not going to bring up music amd hope he doesn't either?

That seems passive aggressive....and weird.

You're completely justified in not wanting to play music with him moving forward. I don't understand the "pardon" for not being a grownup and having a conversation about it.

And, at some point, if you guys are friends outside of music, you're going to have to deal with it anyway. You're not preventing the conversation. You're only postponing it.
 
But the real issue is him threatening to leave the stage, then lying and thinking it'll work out.

Maybe he's just embarrassed that he said such a foolish thing, but doesn't have the balls to just admit it and apologize and make it clear he'll never do that again.

It also seems you have other issues with the guy that might be part of the reason you want to stop playing with him.

In any case, my philosophy, if someone on a team effort makes an ultimatum like "we do this my way or I'm out of here", if you concede, you just made him/her the boss. I had that happen to me, and I immediately wished him well- not that I wanted to, but I knew academically that there was no fixing it after that.

Again, I'm not sure this is the case with the guy, and I'm not advising what to do, but good luck and I hope it works out. :)
 
Not talking about something usually doesn't help in my opinion. You could talk about the sharing of work and the stuff happening before the "I'll leave stage"-thing. It's not necessary to start with that as it seems there are other issues and that might just lead to him blocking the conversation. Or just tell him yr project will not work.
 
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So, if you're buds, and you "hang out doing other things", how's that gonna go? You're just not going to bring up music amd hope he doesn't either?

That seems passive aggressive....and weird.

You're completely justified in not wanting to play music with him moving forward. I don't understand the "pardon" for not being a grownup and having a conversation about it.

And, at some point, if you guys are friends outside of music, you're going to have to deal with it anyway. You're not preventing the conversation. You're only postponing it.
There is some truth and wisdom to what you are saying, but an hour or more after this happened I was then dealing with a lie. So o I've dealt with liars before. How do you deal with that ? That's where I said eff him, there's no holds barred at that point. As far as the friend part, yeah we would most likely still be buddies. This isn't the first time our friendship would be put above a professional music situation. We've both still been friends when either of us went in a direction we thought best without the other.

I don't expect you to change your mind, or agree with my logic, but that seems to be the way I work. I'm not the most spontaneous when it comes to adversity with interpersonal relationships, probably figuring it's better to do nothing at that moment, let it sink in, try to consider what I may have misinterpreted, etc... than to make a snap judgement when I'm seeing red.... granted at this point some discussion is over due on my part...
 
Thank you guys for the well thought out responses, the people in this sub always go above and beyond, and I always gain whether I agree with the response or not. There's no way to repay that besides trying to do the same for others...

He stopped by today, hung out at the pool a bit, then put in about 5 songs. As I read the responses I figured yeah it's still not best to pretend it's resolved and leave someone, a friend, in the dark on this.

I said I just want to bring up an issue and there is no need for response, let's just think this over and let it soak in.

Exactly what I expected happened. Maybe even more. He said those words would never come out of his mouth, they never have and never should. He sticks to the original story where he said I'll know what song it is with his first syllable (no surprise it happens all the time) I pointed out that telling me to get to my mic when I ask the song (TWICE) is inappropriate. He agreed and apologized, said he's on his way to church, would have manned up if he'd ever said such a thing.... pretty convincing tbh, but am I really hearing things that aren't said ? Highly unlikely...

He left and we both agreed the music won't kill the friendship, he said I could go off on my own tomorrow, nothing but that would change.

And yeah there are other issues, I over power him musically, I end up putting a lot more work in general, but that stuff I could overlook mostly.

The reason I hadn't brought it up was because I knew what would be said, and simply didn't feel he had another chance coming.

Where it sits now... we move forward and see where it goes....I really didn't want to be in a situation where I doubt what I heard, but he's pretty adamant about what he said... time will tell.....

Thanks Again. I hate drama, I dislike being part of it even more....
 
He sticks to the original story where he said I'll know what song it is with his first syllable (no surprise it happens all the time) I pointed out that telling me to get to my mic when I ask the song (TWICE) is inappropriate.
If he could say, “Get to your mic”, he could have just as easily told you what the song was. Whether he threatened to leave the stage or not is irrelevant. He was still pulling some kinda BS move you shouldn’t have to deal with.
 
If he could say, “Get to your mic”, he could have just as easily told you what the song was. Whether he threatened to leave the stage or not is irrelevant. He was still pulling some kinda BS move you shouldn’t have to deal with.

This 100%

I had a similar experience. Lead singer/songwriter copped an attitude in 2 different bands I was in (same guy both bands). I walked both times. We still had campouts and barbeques with our families...... and fished together. Looking back on it...... seems weird now.....but it didn't then. He was a good friend and a really good songwriter.....but he could also be a jackhole.

Looking back, I'm pretty sure some of his bad behavior was alcohol fueled.
 
Good Luck.
There's an old saying "never say never again". lol
Agreed. Right now that's where I'm at. I did my part today and took it easy. He had yet another chance to come clean. The first gig we played had a similar component, not as bad, I called him on it after the show, he apologized.

With the second one I'm talking about here, his actions were in line with what I heard. I just don't have it in me to put myself in that position yet one more time. When he mentions playing out I'll just say I'm not into it right now. I'm not feeling like playing out. Maybe that's wishy washy but it seems he's really into saving his face, not his ass, so let it go with him being able to feel he has some dignity left instead of being outright kicked off or rejected.
 
If you guys go way back, you need to have a short Long Talk. Then just like the Launch crew at Cape Kennedy, you will arrive at the 'Go / No Go' point.

My gut feeling (which could certainly be completely wrong) from what I'm reading, is that you can guys can still go do best bud things if this duo thing doesn't wreck it . . . but playing together, unless he suddenly GETS IT, is done.
 
Some people become very weird when they step in front of an audience. I've known a handful of folks who just get this strange, nervous energy about them and almost become different people, not necessarily in a good way. If your friend is playing weird games with you like this, he could be that type. I'm not sure there's a fix for this, just wanted to point it out.