Am I strange?

[J_Bass]

I think some posters are forgetting that the OP is talking about a friend. Not some random BL.

Totally different scenarios, in my opinion.


And that "friend" didn't even apologize and turned the nail to the OP.

I get that if it's someone's profession you have to swallow some toads. But it doesn't seem to be the case.
So, a person has to have its principles. There is a moral code one should live by, and if close friends don't abide to it, why should one care to maintain that false friendship?

 

[rodv66]

I think some posters are forgetting that the OP is talking about a friend. Not some random BL.

Totally different scenarios, in my opinion.


And that "friend" didn't even apologize and turned the nail to the OP.

I get that if it's someone profession you have to swallow some toads. But it doesn't seem to be the case.
So, a person has to have its principles. There is a moral code one should live by, and if close friends don't abide to it, why should one care to maintain that false friendship?

As I get older, I realize I don't suffer fools very well. I have a great original band that has worked hard to get signed and working on management now. I have a very well respected Iron Maiden tribute that plays everything from private parties, to bike rallies, to theaters. I am grateful for this and will focus on those for now.

 

[MrLenny1]

I hear ya. This happens a lot. It’s a poopy business.

 

[juggahnaught]

About a month ago, I joined my friend's band. I'm in two others, but this one is a once a month gig tribute, so fit in. I got the gig and learned the set. Practiced and everything is cool. Last night, my friend called to say the old bass player wanted back in and they decided to because he was there before me.

I got really pissed and told him that it's really unprofessional and I wasted time, gas, and effort learning the set and going to practice. I said that's like someone quitting a job, the company replacing them and then went the person wants their old job back, your give it to them.

My friend has no comprehension of what I s saying and got mad at me for being upset at what they did. I told him never speak to me again and I want nothing to do with him.

Now, am I crazy for actually treating a band like a business and expect my friends to be professionals? Any perspectives?

Read all of your replies, did not read the full thread.

I do think it's a little strange, yeah. Was there no middle path that you two could have taken?

Were I in your position, I'd have explained the situation and requested that I play anywhere from one to three gigs on the books - with pay - due to the commitment that I had made. I'd have requested a band meeting with the former bassist present to make the case. After that, everything is square and you can fill in as a sub if anything happens (with pay). You maintain a relationship with your friend, but you also maintain a good relationship with the band as an entity. I don't really see the problem.

I understand that it's not an ideal situation, and I understand the opportunity cost, but I think you definitely could have negotiated yourself a better situation that would have benefitted you in the short term and in the long term. And, you'd have kept a friendship.

So...strange? Yeah. I recognize that it wasn't the best situation. However, the only thing you can reliably control is you. So even if the fault lies on the friend, the responsibility lies on you for handling it badly. You could have had options, but now you don't really have a path forward. That's on you.

Hope your other projects continue going well. Best of luck to you.

 

[LBS-bass]

The thing is, people tell you who they are by what they do and say. You learned something about your friend- that he's going to be cavalier about abusing your time and effort. And he probably learned something about you, as well.

Moving forward without animosity is about as good as it's going to get. I've got so many mental notes tucked away inside my head about various issues I've had with various people in music, and it all serves me quite well when I'm making decisions. I know who I'd work with again. I know who I won't work with, too. At the end of the day these are just decisions we make based on what we've learned we can expect from specific people. 'Taint no big thing beyond that. Sure, I might get annoyed but when I turn away from the negative things that happen I am also turning into the light. Refine your path in this way and you'll end up in better and better places with the right people.

That's all.

 

[Astronaut]

Oooh bridges.... if he cannot even recognize first hand the situation; it would happen sooner or late.
Can’t even understand why your concern about being strange.

 

[GreyBeard]

I had the same thing happen to me years ago. I was really pissed but got over it. The band had a Fri/Sat gig that weekend. The club burned to the ground after the Friday gig and the band lost every stick of their equipment. I dodged a bullet with that one.

 

[Winton]

About a month ago, I joined my friend's band. I'm in two others, but this one is a once a month gig tribute, so fit in. I got the gig and learned the set. Practiced and everything is cool. Last night, my friend called to say the old bass player wanted back in and they decided to because he was there before me.

I got really pissed and told him that it's really unprofessional and I wasted time, gas, and effort learning the set and going to practice. I said that's like someone quitting a job, the company replacing them and then went the person wants their old job back, your give it to them.

My friend has no comprehension of what I s saying and got mad at me for being upset at what they did. I told him never speak to me again and I want nothing to do with him.

Now, am I crazy for actually treating a band like a business and expect my friends to be professionals? Any perspectives?

I disagree with those who’ve said that you shouldn’t have cut off ties with him. Whether if it was an overreaction, well, that depends. If you did the whole Happy Gilmore thing, yes. And that also would’ve been hilarious.

However, you cutting off ties with him, in my strong opinion, was a wise move on your part. The fact that him and his band pulled something like that on you and 1) couldn’t see what he did wasn’t considerate and 2) couldn’t understand why you were upset are already enough red flags to not entail a good friend. Why waste our time with a bad friend? According to your story, I don’t see any love or respect from his side. So I don’t see any reason to keep anyone like that on your life. As the cliche goes, life is too short, we’re not getting any younger.

 

[J Wilson]

I've been there, things just like this, it happens. As a result, I'd tell you . . . .

When it comes to bands and friends, play in the band: If you want a friend, get a dog.

These things happen when 'buddies' get replaced, walk away then walk back in, and on and on. I know exactly how you feel, but you may as well complain about the weather or the IRS, it'll do as much good.

And despite the homicidal urges this would have induced, you can't say things like that: Now you've lowered yourself even lower than them, and guess what? If that guy walked once, chances are he'll walk again, and when he does, YOU AIN'T ON THE LIST ANY MORE.

Plus for Bonus Points, if they're big on UnSocial Media, and you really pissed them off behind this, it will be everywhere in no time, what a hot-head you are.

It sucks, it hurts, but as they say in the Mob movies, this is the life you chose, and there are still some rules, as hazy and fluid as they are.

 

[Flatwound]

To start with, I’m not a professional. Not that I don’t get paid, but I have a full-time job, and I’m just a weekend warrior on bass. Just a qualifier to what I’m going to say.

I was in a similar situation, was assured that the bass player had quit, wasn’t coming back, etc. I worked with these guys until we were gig-ready, and less than a week before the gig, I got the call. Old bass player coming back.

And yes, I burned that bridge. I really doubt that those people will someday become honest and straightforward. Sometimes you have to wash your hands and move on.

 

[truand85]

I don't know if you're strange or if you're in the wrong, all I can say is I would've done the same.

 

[rodv66]

I've been there, things just like this, it happens. As a result, I'd tell you . . . .

When it comes to bands and friends, play in the band: If you want a friend, get a dog.

These things happen when 'buddies' get replaced, walk away then walk back in, and on and on. I know exactly how you feel, but you may as well complain about the weather or the IRS, it'll do as much good.

And despite the homicidal urges this would have induced, you can't say things like that: Now you've lowered yourself even lower than them, and guess what? If that guy walked once, chances are he'll walk again, and when he does, YOU AIN'T ON THE LIST ANY MORE.

Plus for Bonus Points, if they're big on UnSocial Media, and you really pissed them off behind this, it will be everywhere in no time, what a hot-head you are.

It sucks, it hurts, but as they say in the Mob movies, this is the life you chose, and there are still some rules, as hazy and fluid as they are.

Actually they have about

I've been there, things just like this, it happens. As a result, I'd tell you . . . .

When it comes to bands and friends, play in the band: If you want a friend, get a dog.

These things happen when 'buddies' get replaced, walk away then walk back in, and on and on. I know exactly how you feel, but you may as well complain about the weather or the IRS, it'll do as much good.

And despite the homicidal urges this would have induced, you can't say things like that: Now you've lowered yourself even lower than them, and guess what? If that guy walked once, chances are he'll walk again, and when he does, YOU AIN'T ON THE LIST ANY MORE.

Plus for Bonus Points, if they're big on UnSocial Media, and you really pissed them off behind this, it will be everywhere in no time, what a hot-head you are.

It sucks, it hurts, but as they say in the Mob movies, this is the life you chose, and there are still some rules, as hazy and fluid as they are.

I'm not worried, I have a good reputation in the Philly area. Interestingly they never update their social media, so few people even know I was in the band for the last 6 weeks

 

[micguy]

So, you found a band you don't really want to play with. OK, but....

You learned a set of music in a short time. I play church gigs, where I'm learning new music all the time. that's a good skill to have, and you just polished that skill a bit. You're a better player for it. Take that slightly improved skill and use it for the next project.

 

[BrotherMister]

As always, this happens in professional music. Cronyism is rampant in all industries. Basically whoever books you only books you until they get somebody else.
You only got the gig by being somebodies friend, and then a better friend of the band became available so they got him.

All you learn is who you want to work with and who you don’t want to work with. They dug their own grave doing that to you but your response was to dig your own deeper one. You never know who is contact with the folk in the band looking for a bass player and all you did was give them a reason to not pass your name on.

I’ve had countless things like this happen and you just have to respond to it with kind and take notes not to work with them. But you’ll be amazed at how often someone says they got your name and no from somebody you said you wouldn’t work with again. Reputation is key here

 

[singlemalt]

If you did the math, this was a long shot anyway.

One gig a month X $(unknown, but let’s plug in $200 per man per gig)

If you have six to eight one hour trips to practice before the first gig….

That’s gas money, hours driving, hours at practice, plus your home work hours learning tunes….(hope you really liked the material)….

Looks like a long haul to break even. Even if practices were over once you were gig ready.

It’s pretty cold blooded math, but that’s the equation I came up with. Friends or not.

 

[Rib 13]

Overall, I agree that you were wronged.......however, please keep in mind that the landscape of the coverband music industry has changed drastically from previous decades and that burning bridges may hurt you, even if you are correct about a situation....you can keep the door open without being friends anymore

 

[Pilgrim]

To the OP:

It was wrong of them. They screwed up.

It was wrong of you to speak to your friend like that. To say "Never speak to me again" is an uncalled-for insult, and it's WAY out of line.

The band may owe you an apology, but you owe your friend a much more sincere one. You also need to control your emotions and your mouth better.

 

[bylar13]

I would and have responded to the situation you describe, in the same way.
I walked from an original band(also in the Philly area) when it was clear that my input was "not really needed"....
My input was needed when payment for rehearsals, payment recording two LPs and driving 45 minutes each way to practice was required to get and keep things going.
My input was needed when I got the recorded material on a small label with some promo, distribution and some limited run vinyl pressing for the LP's.

Like you I am older and realize time is the real challenge for me. I too, take the time I put in very seriously (don't take myself that seriously) but choosing to make the time for music means I am choosing not to do something else important. You don't respect my time and effort? You don't respect me. Time to go.

 

[Joe Nerve]

I've learned I've got nothing to gain by blowing up on people in these situations. It never makes me feel any better and ultimately only reflects badly - on me. That being said, I've done it anyhow. After over a year of ridiculous dedication to a project, when I told the bandleader I couldn't tour without compensation, she immediately put an ad out on Craigslist. I went ballistic. I gained nothing from that outside of a few really good lessons, one of them being that, well... I got nothing out of blowing up on her. The other things I learned don't really apply here, but anyway...

Its been serving me well to stay on good terms with ALL musicians. Even the ones I'm not fond of. I know who I will and won't play with, and it feels good to know that I've held onto my integrity. No band (or musician) that I've played with in the past 15 years can bad mouth me about anything, and I've played with lots. Vented about lots of them too - but to other people. Doing that is working very well for me.

PS. You might want to consider calling your pal and possibly apologizing. Most people understand that our emotions can get the best of us from time to time. It really can be as simple as that. Saying I overreacted a bit because it stung isn't such a horrible thing to do. And you already got your point across. You may just be able to patch that burnt bridge up a bit. And you may wind up getting recommended for an even better situation.

 

[logdrum]

Some people are users. Similar thing happened to me. And sometimes however good you are, some people want chemistry beyond music.