Best Lines you've heard onstage?

[ZAR14]

I went for a Prostate exam...
Asked the Dr to use two fingers
He asked, Why two fingers?
I said, I'd like to get a second opinion...

 

[Richland123]

"We tune because we care."

 

[Charlzm]

A ways back I was in Breckenridge and ended up at the Sherpa And Yeti club one night. There was a bluegrass band that was really good and their banjo player only had one finger on his left (fretting) hand. After a scorching number that featured all the players with a solo, the banjo player remarks to his guitar player, "You know we could play that song a lot faster if you didn't have all those extra fingers to slow you down."

To this day I think that was one of the best lines I've heard from a performer. What do you got?

Mikael Åkerfeldt is the funniest guy onstage I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. I can't remember any specific lines, though.

 

[CGremlin]

This one's strictly for the adults.

I was playing guitar at this tiny little medieval-themed dinner theater that put on a really irreverent adult show. One of the actors on stage kept getting heckled by a female audience member. After about 10 minutes of this, he stopped the show, came down to her table, and very loudly asked, "Lady, do I try to slap the **** out of your mouth when YOU'RE trying to work?" The audience loved it, and she didn't cause any more problems the rest of the evening.

 

[b_carville]

I've have/heard a few.
" It was in tune when you bought it"
At a venue which didn't charge a cover charge to a loudmouth/heckler " Sir! We will be happy to refund your cover charge !"
More heckler stuff. "Did your mother have any children that lived?." Be careful with that one.
" Hey ladies & gentlemen! We just got a album deal!(audience applauds)
" Yeah the first 8 are free and we only have to buy 5 over the next 12 months! "

 

[mrbill51]

From the Front Row: Hey, Cool Shirt!!! Can I Have it when you Die???

 

[Slevage]

Yes, they do shake hands. In the past month, I had two musicians see us do that and commented how funny it was. One said he was going to use that line in his band now.

I've done a lot of gigs with "pickup bands".
The rule I learned from the old timers ( I'm one now), is when you meet new musicians at a gig, don't shake hands-
It gives the audience a preconceived notion that you're going to suck.

 

[57pbass]

I once played in a club date Band. We actually had a decent lineup of local musicians and we still gig together on occasion..
At one show, after the first set a member of the audience approached us and said
"You guys are really horrible" and just walked away... we still talk about it 20 years later.

 

[Bass Man Dan]

This is one of the best threads I've read! Good stuff!

 

[Boundary Effect]

"Wow. This is the wildest gay bar I've ever played."

 

[Richland123]

Last week, we finished our opening song and I said, "We are Three Of Hearts. Thank you, goodnight!" and it got a laugh. I have used that one often.

 

[rocu]

"Every song better than the next!"

 

[Jebberz]

With my original band, we were booked at the end of a Softball tournament. Before us, there was 5 or 6 cover bands (the event had live music all the day during the tournament). We were the only original act.

So my signer introduces ourselves this way: "We are Meet the Mailman and we play Meet the Mailman covers!"

Clever

 

[socialleper]

When I saw Porcupine Tree playing with Opeth, Steve Wilson addressed the audience yelling song titles at him.
"Bands have these things called set lists, and we rarely deviate from them."

 

[geoff_in_nc]

"we've suffered for our music, and now it's your turn"

 

[Richland123]

I used to play with a guitarist/singer back in the late 70s and early 80s who said, "Here is a song to knock the bubbles out of your beer!". I have used that line since he left the band.

 

[Warpeg]

We've used this one: "Hello ________(insert city name)! It's great to be back. Of all the cities we've played over the years, this is certainly one of them! [immediately starts next song]

 

[Richland123]

We play some Elvis Presley songs and our drummer/keyboardist/singer does a great job on them. I will say to the audience, "John is back there doing his Elvis pelvis moves behind the drums and you can't see them." John will reply, "Trust me, you don't want to!"

 

[Holdsg]

an oldie but goodie

I'd like to recognize the band (turns to face the band) Yep, I recognize some of them.

 

[macmanlou]

From Duke Ellington's lesson on finger-snapping - "Don't push it. Just let it fall."