Best Lines you've heard onstage?

[JimChjones]

Back in the early 80s singer in my band was unavailable for a gig I really wanted to play, so slung together a band with minimal rehearsal, first up of 3 bands. Due to very mixed backgrounds material was a problem and we finished with a version of Freebird with the vocal section arranged for male/female folk duet backed with concertina before the (competent) guitar players got to cut loose at rather less length than the original. To my complete surprise audience calls out for more and I ask "are you serious?".

 

[LowActionHero]

"Can I make a request ?"
"You can make all the requests you like."
Or "you can request any song on this list."

Our guitar player wrote a song called "Eyes of the B*tch"
First time we played it he introduced it "this is a song about a girl I used to know" (his wife)
We make him say it every time now.
She never looks amused...

 

[wesonbass]

Willie Nelson asked, what's the definition of a perfect pitch? Someones tossing out a banjo and it lands on an accordion!

 

[wesonbass]

Willie Nelson asked, what's the definition of a perfect pitch? Someones tossing out a banjo and it lands on an accordion!

I screwed up that joke. A perfect pitch is someone tossing out an accordion and it lands on a banjo! Boy do I feel stupid.

 

[Hevy T]

I screwed up that joke. A perfect pitch is someone tossing out an accordion and it lands on a banjo! Boy do I feel stupid.

Shrapnel from the banjo would have to pierce a set of bagpipes to make it perfect though! lol

 

[juancaminos]

there are lots of banjo player jokes I have heard over the years. I think they are the same as drummer jokes. serve the same purpose.

just a few:

what's the difference between a pizza and a banjo player? --- the pizza can feed a family of four
where do banjo players keep their armies? --- up their sleevies
how do you make a banjo player leave your front porch --- pay him for the pizza
how do you keep a banjo player from biting his nails? --- make him wear shoes
what do you call a banjo player that broke up with his girlfriend? -- homeless

How do you know when the stage is level? When the drool is coming out of both sides of the banjo players mouth

 

[keyboardguy]

A couple more from my old-school singer

"We'd like to do an Italian number"; "Naples 4-3726"

AND

"Is there a 'Mr. Moore' in the house?" Some lady upstairs keeps yelling for "MORE" ! "MORE" !!

 

[elgranluis]

Ive been introduced as "he plays the bass, but he is rrrrrrreeeeally good in bed"

 

[5StringBlues]

Request- "Can you guys play Mustang Sally?"


Band leader- "Could you say that a little louder into the tip jar?"




This is the same band leader that would look over at a close-to-empty tip jar and say, " There ain't nothin' in there but twos and fews!".

 

[jnewmark]

Our front guy would announce songs backwards when he thought they weren't paying attention. For example, he would say, " Here's a song called Van Morrison, by Domino. " Or, " here's a song called James Brown by I Feel Good".

 

[Paulabass]

This is a little tricky, see if you can follow.
Dude, 'The Black Page' is a little tricky, I can follow 'All Right Now'.

 

[ELG60]

If you like us, tell your friends.
If your friends like us...get some new friends.

 

[Inky13]

I screwed up that joke. A perfect pitch is someone tossing out an accordion and it lands on a banjo! Boy do I feel stupid.

It's all in the delivery.

 

[bound'n'blocked]

From a Pinkard & Bowden show, directed at a heckler:

"Eight billion sperm cells, and you had to swim the fastest." I admit I used that one before.

One time when I was emceeing a bluegrass festival, I was introducing the next act and said, "ladies and gentlemen, this next act needs no introduction..." and then turned and walked off the stage. The band and crowd cracked up.

BnB

 

[pablomago]

I once heard a band leader say, "If you like us, tell your friends. If you don't like us, don't tell anybody!"

 

[Flamingo21]

This is a little tricky, see if you can follow.
Dude, 'The Black Page' is a little tricky, I can follow 'All Right Now'.

I can't, Paula.

 

[hardtop]

a local doom band, matriarch, often starts their set by saying "this is our last song" and then plays a 30 minute song. i love it.

 

[Richland123]

"If you like us, we are Three Of Hearts. If you don't like us, we are Led Zeppelin."

 

[Richland123]

I saw Pure Prairie League last weekend and the bassist stated, "This next song made us tens of dollars."

 

[Jeff Elkins]

I can't, Paula.

Maybe I can help (@Paulabass correct me if I'm wrong!):

Things Heard on Stage

Egotistical bandleader/guitarist to sub bassist: "This is a little tricky, see if you can follow."

Sub bassist with more skillz than being credited with:
"Dude, 'The Black Page' is a little tricky, I can follow 'All Right Now'."