Best Lines you've heard onstage?

[1bassplayinfool]

This next song is so sad it'll bring a tear to a glass eye.

or snot to the nose of a Halloween mask...

 

[Holdsg]

there are lots of banjo player jokes I have heard over the years. I think they are the same as drummer jokes. serve the same purpose.

just a few:

what's the difference between a pizza and a banjo player? --- the pizza can feed a family of four
where do banjo players keep their armies? --- up their sleevies
how do you make a banjo player leave your front porch --- pay him for the pizza
how do you keep a banjo player from biting his nails? --- make him wear shoes
what do you call a banjo player that broke up with his girlfriend? -- homeless

 

[silvertone]

I personally told this joke to Gibson CEO Henry Juskiewicz at a private Dinner hosted by Gibson for a select bunch of Original Acoustic Instrument dealers during a NAMM Show about 15 years ago:

Q: What's the best kind of pick-up to put on a banjo?
A: An F-150!
-------------------------
Before the late SF based Billionaire, Warren Hellman passed on, I had several opportunities to pick some bluegrass music with him. (Warren was the heir to Wells Fargo and the benefactor of the always Epic Hardly Strictly Music Fest in SF.)

At one of these jams I told him this missive:
Q: What's the difference between a mutual fund and a banjo picker?
A: One eventually matures and earns money....

 

[Richland123]

What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?

Nobody cries when you cut up an accordion.

 

[ObsessiveArcher]

I've been to a few Steel Panther shows. These guys have great stage banter.
"Let me introduce the best drummer in our band... Sticks...it-in-ya."
"... and our guitar player Satchel. He plays almost as good as Eddie Van Halen... and just a bit slower... OK ... quite a bit slower"
"... and I'm Michael Starr. Just like Bret Michaels, expect a bit over weight"

 

[br1qbat]

I saw Demilich, which is a FinnishDeath Metal band. They released1 album in the early 90s. They tour vary sporadically, especially in the states. Antii Bowman is the growler/frontman/lead guitarist. So picture very brutal, fast, aggressive music. He's also hilarious. Make sure you say these lines in your head with a thick Finnish accent:
[From memory, so loosely paraphrased]

"This next song is, surprise! also from 'Nespithe' (the name of their sole album)".

"Next we are are going to play uh, an aggressive one. Like all the rest (chuckles). If you know it, sing er grunt along or you know, just go crazy or something."

 

[Altitude]

It's funny mine was going to be from Extreme Heat as well! I think it is the way that guy delivers it.
The one that got me was
"Alright folks after this song we are all going to lay in a pile"
and another one same show.
"Stick around everyone we are starting a cult later"

That's Bruce Spelman, friend of mine for 30 years. I used to sneak into Steamboat to see Extreme Heat back when I was 14. Enjoying music by those guys has been one of the pleasures of my life, no hyperbole.

 

[Jimmy4string]

He seems like a great guy. When i saw them over at the Saxxon I was talking to one the band's wives and telling them I bet they could do incredible Chicago covers. LOL I had a few pops beforehand. Tehy still continue to play every once and awhile -really fine muscians!
It is rare a band with that much talent doesnt take itself too serious!

 

[ofajen]

First time I saw Peter Gabriel in concert, he came out on stage to introduce the opening act. He mentioned that "some have compared them unfavorably to human excrement," which turned out to be a fairly apt description from my point of view.

I spent most of the time they played outside the main hall, trying to ignore the din as best I could. OTOH, his show was amazing, one of the Midwest locations where he recorded the Plays Live album. I think they played six encore tunes.

Otto

 

[Joedog]

A guitar player I gigged w/for a few years would say "Spank you very much" whenever we finished a song.

 

[Altitude]

He seems like a great guy. When i saw them over at the Saxxon I was talking to one the band's wives and telling them I bet they could do incredible Chicago covers. LOL I had a few pops beforehand. Tehy still continue to play every once and awhile -really fine muscians!
It is rare a band with that much talent doesnt take itself too serious!
View attachment 3103320

Yeah, they mostly play on Thursday nights at the One2One, and I'm never in town that late in the week.

They've calmed down a lot through the years. Here's a pretty frenetic tune they recorded in the 80s:

 

[tpaul]

There are lots of great lines from the old comedians, if you care to do the research or watch the old movies. For example, from Groucho: "I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

And I'm surprised nobody has mentioned this classic: "This next song is an original... it was originally written by Bob Dylan." (or another well known musician)

It wasn't onstage, but one time in rehearsal our bassist was trying out a particularly uninspired bass solo (I was the guitarist). Trying to be diplomatic, I asked, "So what are you going for with that solo?"

He responded, "It's a variation on a theme."

Without thinking I shot back, "What theme is that? 'Man Against Nature'?"

 

[JRA]

truly some wonderful stuff here...and some great stories!

 

[Jebberz]

Not stage related, but I once asked my favorite seller at a local music store (he is a bass player too) after the did a revamping of the store "Where's the men's amp section"

 

[Richland123]

I will ask the audience, "Are you having fun?" When a few people say yes or raise their hand, I will say, "Well, we will put an end to that right now!"

 

[Slevage]

Last time we played that song, there wasn't a dry seat in the place.

 

[BossOnBass]

Good stuff. There are a bunch more one liners here

I need new Frontman Stage Material

 

[equill]

I caught Grendel's show last weekend. They got to the nominal end of their set, and the singer decided to get candid:
"At this point, we'd normally go offstage and wait for you to demand an encore. Thing is, you'd know we were standing just behind that curtain, and we'd be standing there waiting for you to make all that noise."
<dramatic pause>
"And we're just f**king lazy."
<wild cheering>
"So we're going to skip that game and go straight to the encore"

 

[dbsfgyd1]

Occasionally, I will introduce our guitarist as "The best guitar player on this stage at this moment." He always rolls his eyes when I say that.

Our singer introduced our guitarist as the scum of the earth...

 

[br1qbat]

I caught Grendel's show last weekend. They got to the nominal end of their set, and the singer decided to get candid:
"At this point, we'd normally go offstage and wait for you to demand an encore. Thing is, you'd know we were standing just behind that curtain, and we'd be standing there waiting for you to make all that noise."
<dramatic pause>
"And we're just f**king lazy."
<wild cheering>
"So we're going to skip that game and go straight to the encore"

When I saw YOB, Mike (guitar/vox) said: "we could make you wait for an encore, but this is a better use of your time: we'll just play one more."