Betrayal

[N. Kentucky Bass]

Ok so in the interest of not making an obnoxiously long and unreadable post, I'm going to give a quick back story to bring you upto speed.

A year and a half ago I got involved with an original arena rock band. I quickly became friends with The guitarist, who is in his late 60s (30 years my elder) and very well traveled musically. Since we were having a heck of a time finding a good singer, we had to go with a singer from a previous lineup that was known for causing trouble and splitting the band up. First he began trying to remove the guitarist for no good reasons, and I stuck up for guitar player and walked back some of the other members.

Shortly after, the attention was put on me. The singer claimed I'm playing wasn't up to par, which it was, and when that didn't work it changed to me not being committed enough when he discovered I wasn't going to jump when he said so.

And he got the guitarist to follow suit. When I realized what was going on I bailed ship. Needless to say, shortly after I was gone, singer got a hard on for the guitarist again. There was a major disruption at a practice, the singer rage quit and put 8 stitches in the bass players head.

Now the drummer who I was always cool with is hinting I should come back. He says the guitarist is beside himself with how stupid he was.

So I'm conflicted. I had a lot of fun with these guys, they have great gear and connections and the guitarist taught me a lot in the time we were together. At the same time it feels like getting back together with someone that cheated on you. Can it ever be the same? Or am I being too trivial?

You should sign up again. Rinse and repeat. I want to hear more of these stories!

 

[ELG60]

 

[LBS-bass]

Ok so in the interest of not making an obnoxiously long and unreadable post, I'm going to give a quick back story to bring you upto speed.

A year and a half ago I got involved with an original arena rock band. I quickly became friends with The guitarist, who is in his late 60s (30 years my elder) and very well traveled musically. Since we were having a heck of a time finding a good singer, we had to go with a singer from a previous lineup that was known for causing trouble and splitting the band up. First he began trying to remove the guitarist for no good reasons, and I stuck up for guitar player and walked back some of the other members.

Shortly after, the attention was put on me. The singer claimed I'm playing wasn't up to par, which it was, and when that didn't work it changed to me not being committed enough when he discovered I wasn't going to jump when he said so.

And he got the guitarist to follow suit. When I realized what was going on I bailed ship. Needless to say, shortly after I was gone, singer got a hard on for the guitarist again. There was a major disruption at a practice, the singer rage quit and put 8 stitches in the bass players head.

Now the drummer who I was always cool with is hinting I should come back. He says the guitarist is beside himself with how stupid he was.

So I'm conflicted. I had a lot of fun with these guys, they have great gear and connections and the guitarist taught me a lot in the time we were together. At the same time it feels like getting back together with someone that cheated on you. Can it ever be the same? Or am I being too trivial?

Ordinarily I would suggest moving on from an overall bad experience, but it sounds like the cancer in this group has been removed and a more healthy situation is possible. What is your gut telling you? Was there anyone else in the group who was a "go along to get along" type that sort of silently went along with the singer's bad attitude toward you?

Really the most serious way this could be a minefield is if someone else was secretly harboring resentments toward you. But if you're truly comfortable with the rest of the cast, it sound like a problem solved itself.

 

[J Wilson]

No.

You would simply never trust those guys or that situation again.

No.

 

[themickster]

Ok so in the interest of not making an obnoxiously long and unreadable post, I'm going to give a quick back story to bring you upto speed.

A year and a half ago I got involved with an original arena rock band. I quickly became friends with The guitarist, who is in his late 60s (30 years my elder) and very well traveled musically. Since we were having a heck of a time finding a good singer, we had to go with a singer from a previous lineup that was known for causing trouble and splitting the band up. First he began trying to remove the guitarist for no good reasons, and I stuck up for guitar player and walked back some of the other members.

Shortly after, the attention was put on me. The singer claimed I'm playing wasn't up to par, which it was, and when that didn't work it changed to me not being committed enough when he discovered I wasn't going to jump when he said so.

And he got the guitarist to follow suit. When I realized what was going on I bailed ship. Needless to say, shortly after I was gone, singer got a hard on for the guitarist again. There was a major disruption at a practice, the singer rage quit and put 8 stitches in the bass players head.

Now the drummer who I was always cool with is hinting I should come back. He says the guitarist is beside himself with how stupid he was.

So I'm conflicted. I had a lot of fun with these guys, they have great gear and connections and the guitarist taught me a lot in the time we were together. At the same time it feels like getting back together with someone that cheated on you. Can it ever be the same? Or am I being too trivial?

It's all down to the psycho singer. Unless you've been snared by one, it's impossible to understand how they get hold of your mind. That's why a wife/husband will stand by even a violent bully. They have you thinking you can't leave. 'He's lovely underneath that. Leaving him would hurt him' is said by victims.

Someone like that singer doesn't have friends. They have victims and accomplishes that become victims. Don't let him destroy everything he left behind. The guitarist is full of remorse. Get back at the psycho by making a go of the band. Have you heard the saying about life being too short?

 

[Shoreline Gold]

Run...do not walk. I would never go near that situation again. If the guitarist jumped on the blame-you bandwagon, they probably can't be trusted. I hope the injured bandmate pressed charges.

 

[LBS-bass]

just the fact that the other members allowed this behavior by the singer would keep me out of this mix.

This is the minefield. I think only the OP can assess how seriously he should take it. People don't stand up for others - in my experience - as a general rule. That's because most people are taught that it's preferable to be a "team player" and not make waves. I can forgive some of this but I would trust my gut here, whatever way it tells me to go.

 

[funkinbottom]

Move on.

 

[edot3021]

What was in the contract?

JK. This sounds like a "Hey let's go grab lunch and talk about it." Then give each other the chance to explain the situations. Let them know what you would like to see and what you want from the project. You guys either agree or don't. But if you are willing to entertain it give it a shot. Good luck.

 

[friskinator]

What is "original arena rock?"

 

[rtslinger]

Ok so in the interest of not making an obnoxiously long and unreadable post, I'm going to give a quick back story to bring you upto speed.

A year and a half ago I got involved with an original arena rock band. I quickly became friends with The guitarist, who is in his late 60s (30 years my elder) and very well traveled musically. Since we were having a heck of a time finding a good singer, we had to go with a singer from a previous lineup that was known for causing trouble and splitting the band up. First he began trying to remove the guitarist for no good reasons, and I stuck up for guitar player and walked back some of the other members.

Shortly after, the attention was put on me. The singer claimed I'm playing wasn't up to par, which it was, and when that didn't work it changed to me not being committed enough when he discovered I wasn't going to jump when he said so.

And he got the guitarist to follow suit. When I realized what was going on I bailed ship. Needless to say, shortly after I was gone, singer got a hard on for the guitarist again. There was a major disruption at a practice, the singer rage quit and put 8 stitches in the bass players head.

Now the drummer who I was always cool with is hinting I should come back. He says the guitarist is beside himself with how stupid he was.

So I'm conflicted. I had a lot of fun with these guys, they have great gear and connections and the guitarist taught me a lot in the time we were together. At the same time it feels like getting back together with someone that cheated on you. Can it ever be the same? Or am I being too trivial?

You enjoyed playing with them and the guitarist is kicking himself for what he did, then I would say life is too short. Move forward, jerk singer is gone take back your place in the band you enjoyed playing in. RTS

 

[frankie5string]

Why do people join bands and then beat the snot out of other band members?

 

[Pocket Dave]

1. Thread title. Says how you feel about it. Accept that.

2. You should probably forgive the guitar player. Accept his flaws/weaknesses for what they are, pray you can try to be better than that. Understand that forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. Let that s*** go - It's toxic and all it does is give someone's BS free rent in your head.

3. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you let them back into your life. Only you can decide if, and under what new boundaries/circumstances.

4. Here's the hard part. People aren't usually convinced of something without a kernel of truth to it, no matter how big a jerk the convincer. If it were me and if I decided to give the guitarist a second go, it would be under condition of an in-person sit-down with guitarist and drummer.

I'd ask what specific issues they had with me, asking them to be honest, then I'd shut up and listen. When they were done talking, I'd ask them what I'd need to do to fix that, then shut up and listen again. Then I'd decide if it's something I was willing to do. If not, no need to go to the next step. If I were willing, I'd let them know, then follow with, "There are some conditions of my own that I'd appreciate knowing if you're willing to accept so we can move forward." Then I'd detail the why & what of the conditions.

If interrupted, I'd smile and say, "I'll listen to you when I'm through speaking" and continue, trying to be concise and avoiding hyperbole. Then I'd ask again, "Are you willing to accept these conditions?" If they tried to talk around their answer, a simple "I'd love to hear more details, but first, are you willing to accept these conditions? Yes or no." Rinse/repeat. Then after three strikes, if they continue to talk around it, I'd have my answer. At this point, it'd be time to stand up and say, "I don't think this is going to work for me. I wish you guys all the best." and leave.

 

[MultiScaleMale]

People repair relationships all the time. Give it a shot unless you have something better lined up. Maybe the first practice back should be at a local pub and have a heart to heart, put everything on the table and if you want to move ahead, go for it. That said, there are people I would never, ever be in a band with again.

 

[b/o 402]

1. Thread title. Says how you feel about it. Accept that.

2. You should probably forgive the guitar player. Accept his flaws/weaknesses for what they are, pray you can try to be better than that. Understand that forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. Let that s*** go - It's toxic and all it does is give someone's BS free rent in your head.

3. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you let them back into your life. Only you can decide if, and under what new boundaries/circumstances.

4. Here's the hard part. People aren't usually convinced of something without a kernel of truth to it, no matter how big a jerk the convincer. If it were me and if I decided to give the guitarist a second go, it would be under condition of an in-person sit-down with guitarist and drummer.

I'd ask what specific issues they had with me, asking them to be honest, then I'd shut up and listen. When they were done talking, I'd ask them what I'd need to do to fix that, then shut up and listen again. Then I'd decide if it's something I was willing to do. If not, no need to go to the next step. If I were willing, I'd let them know, then follow with, "There are some conditions of my own that I'd appreciate knowing if you're willing to accept so we can move forward." Then I'd detail the why & what of the conditions.

If interrupted, I'd smile and say, "I'll listen to you when I'm through speaking" and continue, trying to be concise and avoiding hyperbole. Then I'd ask again, "Are you willing to accept these conditions?" If they tried to talk around their answer, a simple "I'd love to hear more details, but first, are you willing to accept these conditions? Yes or no." Rinse/repeat. Then after three strikes, if they continue to talk around it, I'd have my answer. At this point, it'd be time to stand up and say, "I don't think this is going to work for me. I wish you guys all the best." and leave.

Perfect.

 

[LHbassist]

1. One of the the definitions of insanity, is doing the same things over and over again, and expecting different results.
2. Betrayal, and hundreds of other negative traits are common to Human beings. That's why I love my cats and dog so much.
3. Music, is NOT now, nor has it ever been a competition- even though some truly gifted musicians act like it is. It is a beautiful, magical, timeless art form, respect that.
4. You really cannot create music, or be happy doing anything- especially playing music- in a hostile ticking time bomb environment. That's why there are protection orders, divorce, and crimes of passion.
5. You need to avoid that situation like a free bag of Trank.

 

[higain617]

Someone needs to take a bat to that singer's head.

Somewhat unrelated, but how can you have arena rock without an arena?

 

[Danny O Danny]

People make mistakes and people (hopefully) learn. And some people are prone to being unduly influenced by others. I'd give them another go, but be watchful.

 

[jtg]

You get shanked in the back by a buddy and your replacement gets stitches? How is this a question? Are there no regular sane people in your area to work with?

 

[Marko 1]

Good Lord folks, it's not a lifetime commitment with a contract...

it's a small group of guys he could (with a clear conscious) walk away from at any time.

If any of them displays any signs of mental/emotional instability, then stroll immediately.