Betrayal

[dbsfgyd1]

Ok so in the interest of not making an obnoxiously long and unreadable post, I'm going to give a quick back story to bring you upto speed.

A year and a half ago I got involved with an original arena rock band. I quickly became friends with The guitarist, who is in his late 60s (30 years my elder) and very well traveled musically. Since we were having a heck of a time finding a good singer, we had to go with a singer from a previous lineup that was known for causing trouble and splitting the band up. First he began trying to remove the guitarist for no good reasons, and I stuck up for guitar player and walked back some of the other members.

Shortly after, the attention was put on me. The singer claimed I'm playing wasn't up to par, which it was, and when that didn't work it changed to me not being committed enough when he discovered I wasn't going to jump when he said so.

And he got the guitarist to follow suit. When I realized what was going on I bailed ship. Needless to say, shortly after I was gone, singer got a hard on for the guitarist again. There was a major disruption at a practice, the singer rage quit and put 8 stitches in the bass players head.


Now the drummer who I was always cool with is hinting I should come back. He says the guitarist is beside himself with how stupid he was.

So I'm conflicted. I had a lot of fun with these guys, they have great gear and connections and the guitarist taught me a lot in the time we were together. At the same time it feels like getting back together with someone that cheated on you. Can it ever be the same? Or am I being too trivial?[/QUOTE

One thing for sure, it will never be the same. It depends on if the guitarist is comfortable with firing your replacement. The second thing is, what about the singer's replacement? And finally, are you willing to put the time into rebuilding this band?

 

[wysiwyg248]

I wouldn't go back, you can watch a soap opera on TV but life is too short to living thru one.

 

[ThinCrappyTone2]

Ok so in the interest of not making an obnoxiously long and unreadable post, I'm going to give a quick back story to bring you upto speed.

A year and a half ago I got involved with an original arena rock band. I quickly became friends with The guitarist, who is in his late 60s (30 years my elder) and very well traveled musically. Since we were having a heck of a time finding a good singer, we had to go with a singer from a previous lineup that was known for causing trouble and splitting the band up. First he began trying to remove the guitarist for no good reasons, and I stuck up for guitar player and walked back some of the other members.

Shortly after, the attention was put on me. The singer claimed I'm playing wasn't up to par, which it was, and when that didn't work it changed to me not being committed enough when he discovered I wasn't going to jump when he said so.

And he got the guitarist to follow suit. When I realized what was going on I bailed ship. Needless to say, shortly after I was gone, singer got a hard on for the guitarist again. There was a major disruption at a practice, the singer rage quit and put 8 stitches in the bass players head.

Now the drummer who I was always cool with is hinting I should come back. He says the guitarist is beside himself with how stupid he was.

So I'm conflicted. I had a lot of fun with these guys, they have great gear and connections and the guitarist taught me a lot in the time we were together. At the same time it feels like getting back together with someone that cheated on you. Can it ever be the same? Or am I being too trivial?

That's pretty lousy. Sorry you had to deal with that. It's hard to say what I would do, but I'd like to think if it were me, unless they were the only game in town, or the only people that would have me, I'd probably look for something else. I feel like that relationship would be tainted and trust would be damaged, and that's a bad way to (re)start a band. But then again, who knows. Good luck in any case, whatever you decide.

 

[Hasty]

1. Thread title. Says how you feel about it. Accept that.

2. You should probably forgive the guitar player. Accept his flaws/weaknesses for what they are, pray you can try to be better than that. Understand that forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. Let that s*** go - It's toxic and all it does is give someone's BS free rent in your head.

3. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you let them back into your life. Only you can decide if, and under what new boundaries/circumstances.

4. Here's the hard part. People aren't usually convinced of something without a kernel of truth to it, no matter how big a jerk the convincer. If it were me and if I decided to give the guitarist a second go, it would be under condition of an in-person sit-down with guitarist and drummer.

I'd ask what specific issues they had with me, asking them to be honest, then I'd shut up and listen. When they were done talking, I'd ask them what I'd need to do to fix that, then shut up and listen again. Then I'd decide if it's something I was willing to do. If not, no need to go to the next step. If I were willing, I'd let them know, then follow with, "There are some conditions of my own that I'd appreciate knowing if you're willing to accept so we can move forward." Then I'd detail the why & what of the conditions.

If interrupted, I'd smile and say, "I'll listen to you when I'm through speaking" and continue, trying to be concise and avoiding hyperbole. Then I'd ask again, "Are you willing to accept these conditions?" If they tried to talk around their answer, a simple "I'd love to hear more details, but first, are you willing to accept these conditions? Yes or no." Rinse/repeat. Then after three strikes, if they continue to talk around it, I'd have my answer. At this point, it'd be time to stand up and say, "I don't think this is going to work for me. I wish you guys all the best." and leave.

This reply could almost exist as a sticky for this whole sub-forum... and likely the Bass Humor and Gig Stories sub-forum too.

 

[fourfinger]

Let the guy with 8 stitches have this job; he earned it.

 

[Hasty]

What is "original arena rock?"

It's like regular rock music... but with better hair.

 

[ProbablyTooLoud]

Hale naw mane

 

[Rojd]

8 stitches? Wow.

That's some criminal behavior right there.

The guitarist wilts in the sun and throws you under the bus? No thank you. I wouldn't go back to the well for another drink.

 

[DaveParker39]

avoid

 

[vvvmmm]

Can you ban mic stands?

 

[JimiLL]

Their main intended use isn't to hurt people

 

[Five or Six]

I haven't read it here but, where was your BL? You guys hireda potential problem to begin with knowing he was trouble. I think first sign of disruption he would have been gone know his track record!

 

[LiptonJigglers]

I like the principle of surrounding yourself with good musicians.
It seems such a shame to find other musicians you can work with, get along with, form bonds with, only to lose them because of one nincompoop.
Yes the guitarist made a mistake and now feels really silly for it. He obviously can practice the art of Criticism and Self Criticism. Something that many others can't, won't or don't... just like the singer.
We've all made mistakes and we can either learn and grow from them or stagnate and go nowhere from them.
the guitarist sounds like the former, not the latter.
You can also take up the position of BL to avoid another $#!¥ storm.
I say, go back and build, create and enjoy.

 

[Hurricane Jimmie]

So Anyway, I worked for a BL who fired me... and then hired me a few months later. I didn't take it personally and ended up working for him several times over the years. I always figured I was there to play the bass and didn't get paid enough to participate in band drama.

I try to stay on good terms with everyone. As a result, I still get calls to fill-in for some of the bands I used to play with.

But I am curious about what an Original Arena Rock Band is. I don't think I've heard that term.

Good Luck with your decision.

 

[51PRI]

Ok so in the interest of not making an obnoxiously long and unreadable post, I'm going to give a quick back story to bring you upto speed.

A year and a half ago I got involved with an original arena rock band. I quickly became friends with The guitarist, who is in his late 60s (30 years my elder) and very well traveled musically. Since we were having a heck of a time finding a good singer, we had to go with a singer from a previous lineup that was known for causing trouble and splitting the band up. First he began trying to remove the guitarist for no good reasons, and I stuck up for guitar player and walked back some of the other members.

Shortly after, the attention was put on me. The singer claimed I'm playing wasn't up to par, which it was, and when that didn't work it changed to me not being committed enough when he discovered I wasn't going to jump when he said so.

And he got the guitarist to follow suit. When I realized what was going on I bailed ship. Needless to say, shortly after I was gone, singer got a hard on for the guitarist again. There was a major disruption at a practice, the singer rage quit and put 8 stitches in the bass players head.

Now the drummer who I was always cool with is hinting I should come back. He says the guitarist is beside himself with how stupid he was.

So I'm conflicted. I had a lot of fun with these guys, they have great gear and connections and the guitarist taught me a lot in the time we were together. At the same time it feels like getting back together with someone that cheated on you. Can it ever be the same? Or am I being too trivial?

I would probably give it one more try as long as that singer is out of the band.

 

[JimiLL]

So Anyway, I worked for a BL who fired me... and then hired me a few months later. I didn't take it personally and ended up working for him several times over the years. I always figured I was there to play the bass and didn't get paid enough to participate in band drama.

I try to stay on good terms with everyone. As a result, I still get calls to fill-in for some of the bands I used to play with.

But I am curious about what an Original Arena Rock Band is. I don't think I've heard that term.

Good Luck with your decision.

original music, 80s arena rock

 

[SomewhatHarmles]

Ok so in the interest of not making an obnoxiously long and unreadable post, I'm going to give a quick back story to bring you upto speed.

A year and a half ago I got involved with an original arena rock band. I quickly became friends with The guitarist, who is in his late 60s (30 years my elder) and very well traveled musically. Since we were having a heck of a time finding a good singer, we had to go with a singer from a previous lineup that was known for causing trouble and splitting the band up. First he began trying to remove the guitarist for no good reasons, and I stuck up for guitar player and walked back some of the other members.

Shortly after, the attention was put on me. The singer claimed I'm playing wasn't up to par, which it was, and when that didn't work it changed to me not being committed enough when he discovered I wasn't going to jump when he said so.

And he got the guitarist to follow suit. When I realized what was going on I bailed ship. Needless to say, shortly after I was gone, singer got a hard on for the guitarist again. There was a major disruption at a practice, the singer rage quit and put 8 stitches in the bass players head.

Now the drummer who I was always cool with is hinting I should come back. He says the guitarist is beside himself with how stupid he was.

So I'm conflicted. I had a lot of fun with these guys, they have great gear and connections and the guitarist taught me a lot in the time we were together. At the same time it feels like getting back together with someone that cheated on you. Can it ever be the same? Or am I being too trivial?

So let me get this straight....you joined an arena rock band.
You liked the guitarist.
You (group) hired a problematic singer, out of desperation.
Singer stirred up $#it. Kicked you out. Kicked out the guitarist. Later, pulled back the guitarist.
Singer now gone, after hospitalizing replacement bassist.

You're conflicted because the guitarist went back to the band, when you'd left? Does he have gambling debt or child support? A drug habit?

I'd have a nice sit down with the guitarist. If he's got a damned good reason for going back, I'd consider going back with the band. Being in your 60's is different from your 30's.

I've known multiple high level dentists/doctors that are great at what they do....can never afford to retire because of too much alimony (two guys had 4 ex-wives....yeesh! One guy is just on wife 4!).

 

[HubbardsFate]

Good Lord folks, it's not a lifetime commitment with a contract...

it's a small group of guys he could (with a clear conscious) walk away from at any time.

If any of them displays any signs of mental/emotional instability, then stroll immediately.

He did walk away, and they did show signs of mental instability...therefore, the OP should REMAIN walked away from them.

 

[vvvmmm]

Can you ban mic stands?

Their main intended use isn't to hurt people

How'd that work out for everyone? /s

Sorry, apparently my Socratic-method sarcasm is sometimes not obvious.

If you don't band mic stands - really, if you don't ban the singer, "whose main intended use isn't to hurt people" - it or something similar is likely to happen again.

 

[fhm555]

...So I'm conflicted. I had a lot of fun with these guys, they have great gear and connections and the guitarist taught me a lot in the time we were together. At the same time it feels like getting back together with someone that cheated on you. Can it ever be the same? Or am I being too trivial?

Is music your nutcracker or mad money? How much do you need/want the money? How much do you value real world OJT? Is there potential for decent money right now?
I had a singer try to pull me into his faction the night he first came to sing with us. I told him the stuff he wanted to talk about was band stuff so everyone needed to be present or we'd wait until it could be arranged.
if it's still working even if it's not the same; I'd at least give it a few tries, but that's only because I don't need to pay bills with money from music. My limitations put me in the mad money wing.
As for personal feelings? I've played with folks I couldn't talk to without getting mad. My POV there is as long as everyone is on board with less drama and more music, butthurt (or self recrimination), is a personal matter that shouldn't interfere with the task at hand.