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Cutting a long time friend loose.
- Thread starter bignote
- Start date
I understand and empathize. I cut a friend of 55 years loose two years ago after 55 years of negativity and using me when the circumstance suited him. I tried desperately over the years to get past the toxic environment and get to the positive. Just couldn't get there. He was relentless in the negative flow.
It was hard, but the result has been that my outlook and approach to life has been positively impacted. My life is better, I'm happier and I truly believe I'm a better person for it.
Hope you can work though this.
Koog
It was hard, but the result has been that my outlook and approach to life has been positively impacted. My life is better, I'm happier and I truly believe I'm a better person for it.
Hope you can work though this.
Koog
Oh, some people can be so petty over this music thing. It's just music, nobody owns anyone else and nobody owes anyone their time or attention unless there's a contract and/or money involved. He's jealous that you're in a good band, which is childish, but it tells you what you need to know about who he actually is. Moving on sounds reasonable and you don't owe him a talk or an explanation. Just stop worrying about him and enjoy your new band.
Seems like you answered your own question in the OP. Can't you just 'unfriend' him on facebook and let it be?
With friends like that, who needs enemies? He's no friend if he can't accept that you have an opportunity to better yourself as a musician and wish you well. For now it's time to move on.
You know it amazes how quickly some are willing to suggest the nuclear option when it isn't their relationship. I don't know how close you are but it must be a relationship of some value if you have been friends for 20+ years. So cutting him off abruptly may not be the best thing or necessary. Talk to him earnestly and tell him the negativity isn't something you can be around and that it stresses you out. Be honest about what you are going to do musically and convey that you value the friendship but not under current conditions. Provide him with a path to stop doing the stuff that is toxic. If he can't do that, then you gave it your best shot and can start to put some distance between the two of you.
To be fair, I don't think most of us would suggest walking away if the OP hadn't put it on the table. That makes it seem like part of his choice set.
I don't have the desire to walk away from very many people, but I have learned that not everyone I've viewed as a friend in my life has felt the same way about me or even treated me with respect, and for some folks it can take a while to figure out that respect is a two way street and something your true friends should be providing to you without it being begged for. That this person has such disdain for his "friend's" activities says quite a lot.
Knowing someone for a long time doesn't really mean very much by itself; there are people I've known for decades that I don't consider more than acquaintances, really.
There are more than seven billion people on the planet, as well as cats and dogs and other creatures that need friends. I’ve gotten to the point that if a relationship with a particular human isn’t working out, I’m happy to make space in their lives for other people to fill. We humans are, ultimately, quite disposable. Hanging on just to hang on is silly.
I agree with everything you said. It's hard to tell the value or depth of the relationship from the information the OP gave. If it is a cursory relationship then it's much easier to cut ties. However, if the relationship is more complicated and tied to a broader network of people there could be other effects that make it worth trying to find some sort of solution short of parting ways. Or at least putting distance between the OP and the friend that doesn't create another set of problems.
20 year friends are a rare commodity.
If you've really been friends for 20 years it would be worth an honest face to face discussion about it.
If he's just a guy you've known and been putting up with for years then maybe not.
Personally, I'm at the age where I'm losing enough friends to death and disease to give up that easy.
If you've really been friends for 20 years it would be worth an honest face to face discussion about it.
If he's just a guy you've known and been putting up with for years then maybe not.
Personally, I'm at the age where I'm losing enough friends to death and disease to give up that easy.
People grow with time but not necessarily in the same direction. It sounds like your growth and his have taken different paths. There’s no need for confrontation unless he forces it. Just go your way and leave him to his. Don’t initiate spending time with him and as you show less and less interest he may learn that there’s no future for you both if he continues his behaviour. That is, if he is capable of introspection - not everyone is. Regardless, you need to follow your own path.
I've heard it said that as men get older they either become kind & soft hearted or bitter. Whatever truth may be in that, I wonder if we are able to influence our paths.
I pray I take the kind & soft hearted path. Some days I feel I could live on bitter blvd.
I pray I take the kind & soft hearted path. Some days I feel I could live on bitter blvd.
Sounds like you guys actually care about each other. If you didn't care, you'd already have walked away, and if he didn't care he wouldn't be reacting the way he is.
Dude's hurt and doesn't know how to express it well. That's pretty normal, especially with band stuff (which can be like a hot knife in the ribs...but the feeling is almost always one-sided).
Ask dude how he's doing. Have a real heart-to-heart over some beers.
As others have said, if things don't go well, you can step back and that's okay. You can leave the door open and if your friendship is strong it'll survive the hurt.
TL;DR: You both care about it other. Hash it out like men, over beers.
I've had to part ways with someone I've known since junior high. (We live in different states, so we mostly kept up by phone.) It didn't have anything to do with music, it was just hate/anger that I don't know where it came from. After the first hate-filled rant, I started keeping a bottle of tequila by my bed to help me get to sleep. I thought we might have gotten past it, but during the second hate-filled rant, I looked at my phone, assessed what was happening, and hung up. It's been a year and a half since I last spoke with him.
This was someone I could share just about anything with. I mourn the loss of the friendship, but I need the hate to not be in my life more than I need the friendship.
This was someone I could share just about anything with. I mourn the loss of the friendship, but I need the hate to not be in my life more than I need the friendship.
