Man, this thread is throwing it down with some profound thoughts on life and friendship. Seriously.
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Cutting a long time friend loose.
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A good rule that I have learned from a great sax player was " never say a negative word about another musician or another group" He said everyone is a potential employer and you put yourself in a bad place by being negative. The same would go for going on Social Media and ranting about politics and other issues. I have had people call me about guys I know who are prone to this and they want to know what's wrong with the person, it eliminates the person in question from working with a lot of people. Why not let you're playing do the talking. I had a friend lose a great recording engineer job because he put down a group they were working with.
Perhaps your friend is narcissistic and since your new 3 piece band isn't about him, well, it bothers him to the point where he hopes to use negative comments to manipulate you into doing what he wants rather than being happy for you. If you're playing gigs with the new act and enjoying it why would he think you'd want to start a new band with him? Because he's a narcissist, plain and simple. There are lots of 'em in music.
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First, sorry for the situation. Secondly, I'm pretty sure you're fishing for everyone to tell you the kinda crappy answer you know is right.
I have learned and am comfortable with the fact that everything has a beginning and an end.
Cutting loose someone that may have NPD can have serious consequences. Do these traits fit the situation/person?
From the interweb...
Inflated Ego. Those who suffer from narcissism usually seem themselves as superior to others.
Lack of Empathy.
Need for Attention.
Repressed Insecurities.
Few Boundaries.
If you are the empathetic or competitive type, maybe consider learning how a person with NPD will react. If you want to keep it simple, just chill with the fact you found a good fit and are enjoying yourself. Ask yourself if you are looking for approval from this person and perhaps realize you only need to stop doing that. Put your focus on what you have now. The issue will resolve itself without stepping on anyone's toes. My suggestion, get a good band pic, make an oversized t-shirt with the pic on the front and use it as your around the house/before bed wear, start writing songs or solo-practice with it on.
Cutting loose someone that may have NPD can have serious consequences. Do these traits fit the situation/person?
From the interweb...
Inflated Ego. Those who suffer from narcissism usually seem themselves as superior to others.
Lack of Empathy.
Need for Attention.
Repressed Insecurities.
Few Boundaries.
If you are the empathetic or competitive type, maybe consider learning how a person with NPD will react. If you want to keep it simple, just chill with the fact you found a good fit and are enjoying yourself. Ask yourself if you are looking for approval from this person and perhaps realize you only need to stop doing that. Put your focus on what you have now. The issue will resolve itself without stepping on anyone's toes. My suggestion, get a good band pic, make an oversized t-shirt with the pic on the front and use it as your around the house/before bed wear, start writing songs or solo-practice with it on.
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IF he really is a REAL friend, you should be able to tell him he's being a "jerk" and it hurts your feelings when he trash talks your friends (new bandmates) and gear, and maybe he's not aware he's doing it. Either we can salvage our relationship, or move on. Eiither way, he might be mad at first, but YOUR side of the street is clean, your conscience is clean and someday he WILL see your POV and either surrender, or move on.
You have definitely outgrown him as a band mate and unfortunately a friend. Hopefully your friendship will relate itself but if not you know the cause was not you.
Enjoy your new gig
Enjoy your new gig
I’ve recently jettisoned a few “friends” but because of maniacal political emoting. No time for negative waves
I have a couple of dear old friends I simply can't work with. We're still friends. We still hang out. I go see their bands. They come see mine. But we can't play together. It just wouldn't work.
It's funny, music life for me has always been a bit of a revolving door. I'm having a pool party/jam here this summer and looking at the invitation list I realize there are a lot of people in my life now that weren't there three years ago, and also a lot of people who are no longer in my life that used to be there. Some of them I've pi$$ed off by leaving their bands, some of them I've just lost touch with, the new ones are more recent contacts. I don't expect the ones I've pi$$ed off so show up, but I invite them anyway, because life is short and the grudges are theirs, not mine. But we'll see. People are there when the stars align for your paths to cross, but I never expect much over the long haul.It sounds like he's jealous/envious of your joy in this new group. Trust me, I know the feeling.
When I set my musical compass on a completely different path, I lost a lot of so-called friends because of it. I had to. It wasn't helping. Like you, I did NOT WANT TO DO the same 40 songs anymore. I've retained a few of the old crowd, but most have gone by the wayside.
Sometimes it's for the best that you cut loose. It's ok to feel a bit sad, but relationships come and go. It's all part of the journey. Who knows? Maybe he'll come around in the future. If not, try to remember the good times.
For now, you're on a new path that seems right for you. Good luck and have fun, buddy.
I'm going to disagree with most of the posts I've read here. For me, once you've been a true friend of mine, you're always a friend of mine to some extent. It sounds like the main problem is that you're allowing your friend's negativity to cloud everything. You might have another option besides giving your friend the boot and allowing him to pull you down--maybe your buddy could stand to be lifted up.
An old boss of mine used to say there are two types of people in the world; those who fill you with energy and those who drain your energy, and people who achieve things surround themselves with the former, and rid themselves of the latter. Sounds like your new band brings energy into your life, while your old friend is an energy vampire. I think you know what to do.
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All the best for you and your band, I know how it is.
Back in 2017 I decided to end a friendship with a guy I've known since childhood for much of the same reasons you've mentioned: he's bossy, unreasonable and deceitful. And always playing the victim.
When I met that guy back in 1987 he and I instantly bonded, we were as close as brothers, but after we graduated from high school I began to notice a change in him. He moved house constantly, going from one girlfriend to another, having babies with several of them.
And once I had a car it was basically was my death sentence because every single time he had to move he called me to have a free moving service close at hand. I NEVER got a single dime in compensation.
And then came the betrayals.
- I had lent him a guitar and amplifier. He actually had the gall to ask me if I could lend him another amplifier since the one I had lent him was left behind at one of those occasions he quickly had to move house.
- The guitar “was lost” when he had left it with somebody and refused to get it back for me, I told him "Dude, you DO realize that you've got to pay for that don't you?" His reply was "Awh man, you don't understand how much money it takes to keep a family supplied, besides, you can build yourself another one." THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT HERE, I LEND HIM EXPENSIVE INSTRUMENTS AND THUS MAKING THEM HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO LOOK AFTER THEM!
- In 2009 I became the victim of very severe cyberbullying. I told him in good faith what had happened, and that turned out to be the final friendly encounter I ever had with him. Because in those days I met this wonderful woman who saw that I was having a hard time, and she offered her open arms for me to find shelter in. One night he saw me together with her, and we were kissing, and he pulled me away from her and went, "What the &#@* do you think you're doing?" Turns out that he knows her ex and thought that they were still together. He KNEW I was going through a tough time, he KNEW because I told him and as I was standing on the brink of something that would end that funk, he ruined it. Actually made ME feel guilty about feeling good again.
In December 2016, I had the accident which took out my shoulder and had me bedridden for a couple of weeks which gave me enough time to think things over. In January 2017 he called me up and went "Dude, can you believe we've been friends for 30 years already?" At which I went "We would have been if it weren't for the fact that 15 years ago, I stopped trusting you." I told him the uncomfortable truth, and that was the last time I ever spoke to him.
As the others said, I'm feeling the withdrawal, the emptiness of not having to deal with him any more, but it's all good, people like that suck you dry.
Back in 2017 I decided to end a friendship with a guy I've known since childhood for much of the same reasons you've mentioned: he's bossy, unreasonable and deceitful. And always playing the victim.
When I met that guy back in 1987 he and I instantly bonded, we were as close as brothers, but after we graduated from high school I began to notice a change in him. He moved house constantly, going from one girlfriend to another, having babies with several of them.
And once I had a car it was basically was my death sentence because every single time he had to move he called me to have a free moving service close at hand. I NEVER got a single dime in compensation.
And then came the betrayals.
- I had lent him a guitar and amplifier. He actually had the gall to ask me if I could lend him another amplifier since the one I had lent him was left behind at one of those occasions he quickly had to move house.
- The guitar “was lost” when he had left it with somebody and refused to get it back for me, I told him "Dude, you DO realize that you've got to pay for that don't you?" His reply was "Awh man, you don't understand how much money it takes to keep a family supplied, besides, you can build yourself another one." THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT HERE, I LEND HIM EXPENSIVE INSTRUMENTS AND THUS MAKING THEM HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO LOOK AFTER THEM!
- In 2009 I became the victim of very severe cyberbullying. I told him in good faith what had happened, and that turned out to be the final friendly encounter I ever had with him. Because in those days I met this wonderful woman who saw that I was having a hard time, and she offered her open arms for me to find shelter in. One night he saw me together with her, and we were kissing, and he pulled me away from her and went, "What the &#@* do you think you're doing?" Turns out that he knows her ex and thought that they were still together. He KNEW I was going through a tough time, he KNEW because I told him and as I was standing on the brink of something that would end that funk, he ruined it. Actually made ME feel guilty about feeling good again.
In December 2016, I had the accident which took out my shoulder and had me bedridden for a couple of weeks which gave me enough time to think things over. In January 2017 he called me up and went "Dude, can you believe we've been friends for 30 years already?" At which I went "We would have been if it weren't for the fact that 15 years ago, I stopped trusting you." I told him the uncomfortable truth, and that was the last time I ever spoke to him.
As the others said, I'm feeling the withdrawal, the emptiness of not having to deal with him any more, but it's all good, people like that suck you dry.
