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Farting during a show

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#761
I can remain silent (but not deadly) on this thread no longer...

The singer in my band, the Inactivists, is the absolute worst human being I have ever known when it comes to, not only farting on stage, but farting in public. Period.

He will do it anywhere:

While watching other bands...

While talking to chicks before or after the show...

While playing cards...

While watching comedians in comedy clubs...

While, I imagine, sloshing around in hot tubs, playing pool, and washing the car...

It doesn't matter.

He will hurt you. Right in the freakin' nose. And hurt you bad.

It's as if he is incapable of simply clenching his butt cheeks together for a couple of minutes until he can excuse himself to go to the bathroom.

I don't know.

...

Maybe his butt cheeks are paralyzed or something.

I'd hate to see what happens when he gets food poisoning...

...

Anyway, it's not cool. Not cool at all, man.

...

And his farts smell worse than any I have ever encountered.

I tell you, people.

Straight up.

And in all seriousness.

If I am ever under siege by some radical, subversive terrorist network, and I don't know what to do, my first line of defense will be to call my old pal Scot.

...

Scot, I love you like a brother, and that is no lie, but please...

PLEASE!

STOP!

For the love of all that is holy...

Your @$$ is Satan's spawn. Make no mistake about it.

A veritable "Beared Nun In Bondage."

And what, WHAT, I ask you, could smell worse than THAT?...

Unless it is something that is, and I quote, "...awash in the menstrual blood of gay Nazi Jesus."

...

Yeah.

For real.

...

Seriously, my fellow bass players, please, let this man know how terrible it is, from our lowly bass playing perspective, to stand behind a singer who has no control of his own ass.

His own @$$.

Simple as that.

Please.

I beg you.

Help me Obi Wan. You're the only one who can.

Email my dear friend, Scot, lead singer of the Inactivists, at:

[email protected].

But please, protect my anonymity.

Don't tell him how you know. Just tell him that you know.

About his @$$, I mean. And tell him that it has to stop.

Now.

Please.

For the love of all olfactory reverence.

Thank you, my fellow TB'ers. Together we can stop this.

I know that I am not alone.

Matt
 
#762
True story- I remember a kid in school who got detention for excessive gas passing in class. Pretty funny actually. But I think he was just trying to be annoying more than having an accident. So yeah these things happen. :lol:
 
#763
LumpyGravy said:
What does farting in PE while doing situps get you??
Click to expand...

Depends. If you're a guy, you do 30 pushups. Girls probably do less pushups.

However.... in the 7th grade, this fat girl was trying to hold a leg lift with everyone in the class - 6 inches off the floor, when she farts. It was really loud but still muted because of her pants(and the floor). She has also tried to HIDE her farts during class by laughing or talking really loud. I dunno about the smell, but just hearing it makes me feel uncomfortable. :hmm:
 
#764
This isn't actually a show where this happened - but band related nonetheless.

I was recivering from being sick at practice and kept letting out these small, but vile and juicy packets of stink all practice long. I was confused because I couldn't smell them at all and I knew, just by the feel, that they were bad. Out of nowhere, the guitarist who stands on the other side of the room says "Yo, can we point that fan in another direction, cause he's farting and it's all blowing over here."

Apparently, the drummer's cooling fan was sucking them up and launching them across the room into the guitarist's territory! PWNED!!
 
#766
I was out biking with my lovely wife, and we came to a stop to head back in the direction of our home. I had been farting the entire trip, but was kind enough to fall back because I knew that they were downright horrid. All day my ass had been behaving like a party favour at 11:59pm on New Year's Eve, and it wouldn't let up. As we're stopped for a quick drink of water, I release a real long, warm one. Being quite a blustery day outside, I figured that it would go unnoticed, lifted to the heavens...however, a timely draft blew it directly into her face as she was inhaling. She screamed and staggered backwards. She looked at me with watery eyes, and I expected the worst....angrily she said, "That was SHARP."

That happened yesterday and I'm STILL laughing about it.
 
#767
There's also the time me and the band had a farting contest at McDonald's on those nice waxed booths...

Just so happens there was a group of teen girls standing against the other side of the booth perusing the menu to experience the greatness and strategic use of our acoustic surroundings to amplify the gas.
 
#768
We used to play this game during our soccer matches when someone had to fart, they would sit and the end of the bench and points were awarded according to how many people felt the vibrations!! (I was on the bench because I was more interested in my bass!)
 
#769
^ Sounds like your sig could fit for that game too. :D

Now onto my story,

I recently did a play, where they needed a live band on stage, well the guitarist was not shy about releasing his odor on the entire cast and enjoying it. So one show, before curtain, I let a nasty SBD one and everyone in the dressing room, including the ladies in the room next to us (it was only seperated by a small wall that didn't go to the ceiling) blamed him. He looked aghast at the scent that I had produced and I could only laugh because everyone blamed him.
 
#772
I'm impressed. This thread started in January 2003. Obviously farts are eternal.

I was a manager of a Taco Bell near the (first) end of my playing days, and one of my employees would go into MY office and light his farts. Thirty years later, I saw his photo in the FBI wanted posters at the post office.

As a Taco Bell manager, it was duty to sample the foodstuffs for quality control purposes. (Yeh, right.) I learned a science lesson when one evening I attended a Sierra Club slide show (that's before PowerPoint, ya'll). I was standing against the side wall and the release was SBD. You could time the rate of travel of the odor molecules by listening to the coughing spreading across the room like an expanding bubble.

Oh, those poor environmentalists being exposed to a spreading toxic cloud...
 
#775
So today, while on the school bus, I had the best fart I've ever had in public. I sit near the front, and I had a lot of trouble that day trying not to fart. While nodding off, I let loose my bowels, and the gas was released with so much force. I was so shocked that I farted; it was a very eruptive fart that I could feel the reverberation that came off the seat and into my jeans, which promptly woke me up. As soon as the fart stopped, I sniffed to make sure it wasn't smelly, but unfortunately, it smelled terrible. I was proud of the smell, that personal joy of victory, but then I pretended I was asleep so that no one would expect that it was me. As I leaned against the glass window, I heard people gasping and rolling down the window near the back of the bus, and people asking who let out the fart.

After I got out of the bus, I laughed at my unintentional but successful fart in public, and the couple of rows behind me that enjoyed my gas.
 
#777
Every time I read this exchange, I DIE laughing!
bmc said:
Any of you guy ever fart on your wife in bed while spooning? I did once. We were "au natural" and asleep and I let one fly and the combination of the added flesh enhanced the harmonic resonance. And she never woke up. I felt so guilty.
Click to expand...
Big Joe said:
It killed her?!
Click to expand...
fart.gif
 
#778
I've got THE methane story to end all fart stories!!!!! I'm NOT proud to say either!!!!!
We were doing a corporate function for one of Aus. major Banks-Westpac. was at a Winery/function centre. This winery/vineyard etc was in an area where septic tanks are used! getting warmer???????
Anyway, these bankers had been 'partying' at this place for a few days-staying at the accomodation cottages & doing ALL their eating & DRINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in this winery- for the whole course of the seminar, meeting...whatever.
We were the "headlining" act- last act, last nite! About 5 songs before the finish we notice a STRONG stench of SH*T/methane etc.... it was emanating from somewhere close to the stage-so the punters hadn't noticed yet.....so we had 2 keep going... I had to sing the next song & the stench is getting WORSE by the second!!! By the time it came to the start of the 1st verse, my eyes are watering & I could hardly draw breath---the stench was SOO BAD!!! AND getting worse!!!! I managed to-just - finish the song, before dumping my bass & getting the HELL outta there & outside to fresh air---ahhhh fresh air- U don't appreciate it til sumthin like this...... By this time 1/2 the crowd could smell it too & were heading outside. It was SO BAD all band members eyes were watering,red & we were gagging!!! Needless tio say, we couldn't finish the last few songs.

CAUSE- Septic tank had exploded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well not exploded(smelled like it tho) but got backed up or sumthin, & failed, & so 5 days & nights woth of banker's wine, beer, steak, fish,etc,etc...... had suddenly become 'available' for us all to sample. We couldn't go back inside for hours- so we decided to leave the gear & come back next day for it!! Thanfully the stench had gone by then!!!
 
#780
My desk at work is located right next to a small conference room that is used by visiting muckety-mucks. Yesterday, there was a group of 4 that were using it. Someone in that bunch was wearing the nastiest perfume I've ever smelled. She must have applied it with a Wagner Power Sprayer. Around mid-day, they had been at lunch for a while, and I felt a bubble of hot love brewing in my bowels. I decided to leave my flatulation donation in the conference room. :ninja: As I sat back down at my desk, I noticed the crew walking back into the office. The went right to the room and closed the door. It took less than 3 minutes for the door to open with all of them giving each other dirty looks. It was priceless. I hope they enjoyed my dose of Chipotle #5.
 
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