(In a thick Russian accent): "I play like Nuno Bettencourt, so you play bass for me, yes? I am here on student visa, but has expired. I might be gone soon."
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Join Our Band, Bro
- Thread starter dtripoli
- Start date
Ha! I LOLed. And I'm 41. We don't "LOL" that much.
I really should start the ironic T-shirt business I promised myself I would start before now. I could make a FORTUNE (which, in and of itself, would be ironic because I'm sure most of my customers would be anti-capitalists).
When our college band in Santa Cruz, (1980) was looking for a second guitarist, I tried to get them to put "must have combination skin', (some parts oily, some parts dry), because I thought that would get us the right kind of responses, but they wouldn't go for it. We ended up with a great player, but he had a good complexion too.
Craigslist ad: We play post pop punk.
Translation: We're not tight enough to play fast and our music is not very musical.
Translation: We're not tight enough to play fast and our music is not very musical.
Ha! Well, I've certainly ended up in at least one band that fit the first quote. And I've lost count of the number of bands I've had to sit through who fit the second.
The other variant I've encountered on "we act like rock stars / we have a good time," of course, is:
"once we've soundchecked and done our silly haircuts we'll head straight to the bar and we'll be half-cut, swaying and giggling uncontrollably by the time the support act's finished."
One more I've heard a few times from a local wannabe singer/songwriter here:
"So are you ready to quit your job and go on the road with me? I'll be going to Nashville here in a few weeks to cut a demo. I've got a moneyman that's financing everything, I'll put you on a salary..."
I've heard this from the same guy a few times over the past 4 years, only ever played TWO opening-act gigs with him, didn't get paid much, the last gig being about 3 years ago.
"So are you ready to quit your job and go on the road with me? I'll be going to Nashville here in a few weeks to cut a demo. I've got a moneyman that's financing everything, I'll put you on a salary..."
I've heard this from the same guy a few times over the past 4 years, only ever played TWO opening-act gigs with him, didn't get paid much, the last gig being about 3 years ago.
"We are 420 friendly"
(last week at rehearsal we ate two dozen tacos and watched a spider crawl up the wall for an hour)
(last week at rehearsal we ate two dozen tacos and watched a spider crawl up the wall for an hour)
I see this a lot on my local CL:
"I have gigs lined up and need a band ASAP!"
Translation: I'm booked to play at my sister's friend's sweet 16 but I need people to help me write songs and play all of the instruments because I only sing and I don't even do that vey well and I own a PA system that only cost me $200 but you need to have pro gear because we need to look professional but I wear shorts and flip flops and a hawaiian shirt to shows because I'n really uncool but want act like I'm a rockstar.
Most of the add on CL here don't contain much punctuation...
"I have gigs lined up and need a band ASAP!"
Translation: I'm booked to play at my sister's friend's sweet 16 but I need people to help me write songs and play all of the instruments because I only sing and I don't even do that vey well and I own a PA system that only cost me $200 but you need to have pro gear because we need to look professional but I wear shorts and flip flops and a hawaiian shirt to shows because I'n really uncool but want act like I'm a rockstar.
Most of the add on CL here don't contain much punctuation...
If they say they have contacts, look close at their eyes.
If thay say they have label "interest" ask em what label they are interested in.
If they say they have tons of gigs lined up, ask em when the tour leaves.
If they say anything after all that, RUN ITS A BLACK HOLE OF MISERY!!!!
If thay say they have label "interest" ask em what label they are interested in.
If they say they have tons of gigs lined up, ask em when the tour leaves.
If they say anything after all that, RUN ITS A BLACK HOLE OF MISERY!!!!
)))))))). too funny!
"We sound like the Beatles meets Jimi Hendrix and Van Halen but with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the Black Eyed Peas and Tool mixed in."
Translation: "We're a bunch of goofs and we know absolutely nothing about music, much less have any competency at playing a musical instrument."
Coincidentally, this statement:
"We've been practicing for six months and we already have three covers mostly learned along with working on our first original".
translates to the exact, same meaning.
Even more amazingly, so does this:
"Our philosophy as a band is to never let serious concern for the so-called 'rules' interfere with our enjoyment of playing music."
Translation: "We're a bunch of goofs and we know absolutely nothing about music, much less have any competency at playing a musical instrument."
Coincidentally, this statement:
"We've been practicing for six months and we already have three covers mostly learned along with working on our first original".
translates to the exact, same meaning.
Even more amazingly, so does this:
"Our philosophy as a band is to never let serious concern for the so-called 'rules' interfere with our enjoyment of playing music."
I'm convinced that the members of Texas Hippie Coalition should just all legally change their names to Phil, Dimebag, Rex, and Vinnie. They're a five-piece, though, IIRC, so I guess they're technically not a true rip-off of Pantera.
Good OP list, though. In addition to adding the "label interest" B.S. line, another thing I always chuckle over is when bands tell you a laundry list of a bunch of C-list and D-list national acts they've opened for as if it were some great accomplishment. What it translate to is "We sold tickets to get on the same bill of some national band that nobody cares about because the promoter was too stupid to actually book a headliner that would have a draw on its own."
Also, I stay away from ads that spend paragraph after paragraph waxing philosophy about art and music. It generally translates to "I'm a pretentious douche who took a literature appreciation class in college and now I think I'm an intellectual. My band will never actually get out of the rehearsal room because actually doing anything that would make this the least bit marketable would be 'selling out'."
Too true. Reminds me, as well: who here had to set up a Myspace page for one of their bands? I never could work out why they insisted on having separate fields for "influences" and "sounds like" - surely if you listed your "influences" then you would "sound like" 3/4/5 guys and/or gals who listened to a lot of the above "influences"?
Then again, your influences might be Rush and Dream Theater, but you might have enough common sense to sound like Rihanna and Drake instead.
"We're making the big push."
Yeah well, your band has been making the big push for five years now...
Yeah well, your band has been making the big push for five years now...
