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Joke time

rtslinger

rtslinger

Nov 14, 2006
15,584
45,073
67
Belleville,New Jersey USA
www.youtube.com
#1
I guy walks into a shop to buy a suit. He picks one out the tries it on.

The shop own says to him, that fits you just perfect should I ring you up?

And the guy says hey, wait don’t you think this right leg is longer than the left

And the shop owner says no you got to know how to wear these fine Italian suits

Just lean a your hips a little to the left see now, they are the same length should I ring it up?

And the guys say hey this left sleeve is shorter than the right? And the owner says you aren’t wearing it correctly take your right arm and bend it in and turn your rest down towards the floor ah perfect

Yeah I guess your right the guy says and the owner rings him up. The guy leaves the store walking down the street in this contorted fashion and passes two Nuns the first Nun say to the other did you see that man? And the second Nun says how could I miss him in such a well fitted suit!
 
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#7
What's the difference between a violin and a viola? Viola burns longer

How many Aggies does it take to go ice fishing? 11, one to cut a hole in the ice and ten to shove the boat through

How do you get a UA cheerleader in to your dorm room? Grease the door frame and push

What's the difference between an onion and a trumpet? No one cries when you chop up a trumpet
 
#8
C, E flat and G walk into a bar and the bartender says: “Sorry we don’t serve minors”, so E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat.

F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.”

Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, “Get out! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, “you’re looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development.” Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
 
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#10
A man dies and finds himself in an empty auditorium. He looks down at the stage and sees several people standing on it.

As he gets closer he sees Jimi Hendrix, George Harrison, and Kurt Cobain standing at the front of the stage all wearing guitars.

Stage Right is Jaco Pastorius , James Jamerson, and John Enthwistle standing together all wearing basses.

Stage left is Freddy Mercury on a grand piano. Behind him is Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Bon Scott on back up vocals.

The man exclaims to himself," This must be heaven!!". Jimi looks at him and says," Heaven man, SH..."

Just then Karen Carpenter walks out on stage, climbs behind the drumset, and says," All right boys, Close to You. One, Two, Three...."
 
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#13
Words you never hear around here "Yep, that's the banjo players Porsche out front."

Perfect pitch...Tossing a banjo in a dumpster and hitting the bottom without hitting any of the sides first.

How can you tell it's a drummer knocking on your door? The knocking speeds up and slows down and they never know when to come in.

What do you call a bass player who just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? A) Just one, they hold up the bulb and the world revolves around them. B) Three, one to change the bulb and two to tell each other how much better they could have done it.

Quickest way to get a guitar player to turn down? Put a chart in front of them.
 
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#19
A manager at a 5 star hotel has just had his New Years Eve band cancel the day before the show. He calls all the agencies in town but the only group available is a duo consisting of a banjo and accordian player. With no other choice he goes ahead and hires them for NYE. Around midnight he goes in and checks on the party and finds that everything is not only goin good, its great! The party is a complete success!. After the show he talks to the two guys and says, "I really had my doubts, but you guys were fantastic and everyone loved you! I would like to go ahead and book you now for next year!"

The two look at each other and then turn to the manager and say, "Great! Can we just leave our stuff setup?"
 
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#20
What's the difference between god and trumpet players? God knows that he can't play the trumpet.

A trombonist and a snake were both hit by a car while crossing the street. What's the difference between them? The snake was on his way to a gig.
 

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