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Joke time

#82
A man is stranded alone on a deserted island for many, many years. He has long ago given up all hope of ever being rescued. And yet, he has been able to subsist well enough on bananas, coconuts, fish, and so forth.

One day, a ship appears in the distance. He lights the signal pyres on the beach, and the smoke columns rise. Sure enough, he's spotted and a dingy makes for shore. The captain, first mate and two of the men make it ashore. The castaway is beside himself with joy, looking completely haggard and thin, but quite alive.

The captain says, "Are you Mr. Richardson, who was lost at sea over 20 years ago in these waters?"

"Yes, sir" the man replies.

"My God, man, how did you possibly survive?" the captain asks? The man explains his life on the island. The captain and men are astounded. "Well, you're rescued now!" the captain exclaims. "Let's go!"

"Wait!" the man says. "I want to show you what I built!" The man takes them to his hut, and a small out building. Impressed, the men hear him describe how he designed and built these all alone with natural materials. "Very nice work!" the captain says.

The man shows them one other building further away. "And here's where I go to church!" The captain asks, "Well, then what's that last building down on the other end of the beach?"

"Oh" says the man. "That's where I USED to go to church!"

:hiding:

:D
 
#84
So Mr. Smith the postman is making his rounds for the very last time before his retirement. At one house he's met by an appealing young housewife wearing little more than a smile. She invites him in and, he figures; "well- why not?" Oh my, the lady of the house takes him up to the bedroom and gives him the ol' special delivery. After they're done, she sits him down in the kitchen and gives him glass of cold milk, a plate of home made cookies, and a dollar. "Gee lady, that's swell; what's the idea?" he asks.

"Well, I told my husband that today was your last day as our postman, and asked him what he thought we should do for you. He said 'Awww, screw him- give him a dollar!' The milk and cookies were my idea."
 
#85
Antonius said:
The landlord in a local pub is an expert in judging the IQ of the punters. One day a new face enters the pub, the landlord talks with him for a short while and says: "Well, you must have an IQ well over 140." He introduces him to a man on the other end of the bar. They get to talk about Einstein's special and general theories of relativity as well as the philosophical links of Kant and Hegel and both enjoy a great night out in the pub.

An other new face is estimated nearer 90. He is brought to a corner of the pub where another bloke is watching a football match on tv. They get to talk the game, football in general and of course women and have a great night.

The third new face takes a bit more effort, which is understandable since the man only scores an IQ of 30. He gets taken along to a table in the back and planted on a chair next to a man who has been sitting there in silence for a while: "Right, trust my word for it, the two of you will get along just fine."

The two men slowly sip their pints for a very long time while looking at each other suspiciously. Until one says to the other: "So, which do you prefer, flatwounds or roundwounds?"
Click to expand...

And for the DB crowd: 'French bow or German bow?'
 
#87
Three blondes are standing at the pearly gate, a Brit, an American and a Canadian.
Peter tells the blondes that in order to enter the kingdom of God, they will have to answers questions about Easter...
St Peter asks the Brit blonde to tell him what she knows about Easter. The Brit replies... Isn't that the holiday where the guy in the red suit slides down the chimney and leaves us presents? St. Peter tells her to leave.
The American blonde is asked the same question; what can you tell me about Easter?
She replies by telling St. Peter that it's the holiday where everyone gets dressed up and goes door to door getting free candy... St. Peter tells her to leave.
Finally he asked the Canadian blonde the same question. What can you tell me about Easter?
The Canadian blonde says, that's easy. Easter is the time when we celebrate the passing of Jesus. (St. Peter is so far impressed) He died for our sins and after he died, they put him in a cave. After three days in the cave, Jesus came out of the cave and if he see'shis shadow, that would mean 6 more weeks of hockey.
Fishheadjoe
 
#89
My father once told me that when I get married, marry an ugly woman. I asked why and he said that a good looking woman will up and leave on you. I told him that an ugly woman can up and leave on you too. He said yep, but who gives a crap.
 
#94
A young man is playing his guitar when a girl about his age approaches and asks if she can play with him. He says "no" and when she asks why he says "I've got a guitar." She replies "well, I've got a guitar too." He says "I've got an amp." She says "I've got an amp too." Frustrated, he pulls down his pants and says "I've got one of these." The girl screams and runs away. Feeling quite satisfied, he goes back to playing his guitar. Ten minutes later she comes back, pulls down her pants and says "I've got one of these and my mother says with this I can have all of those I want!"
 
#95
Spent said:
A young man is playing his guitar when a girl about his age approaches and asks if she can play with him. He says "no" and when she asks why he says "I've got a guitar." She replies "well, I've got a guitar too." He says "I've got an amp." She says "I've got an amp too." Frustrated, he pulls down his pants and says "I've got one of these." The girl screams and runs away. Feeling quite satisfied, he goes back to playing his guitar. Ten minutes later she comes back, pulls down her pants and says "I've got one of these and my mother says with this I can have all of those I want!"
Click to expand...

Excellent.
 
#100
Didn't read any of these. Will later. My quick contribution.

A guy goes to the doctor to get his checkup results. Doctor says, "I'm really sorry. I have some bad news. You have cancer, and you also have alzheimers disease." Patient looks at the doctor and says, "Oh whell... that sucks.... at least I don't have cancer."
 

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