Bassist4Eris
Frat-Pack Sympathizer
What did one Deadhead say to the other Deadhead when they ran out of drugs?
Man, this music sucks!
Man, this music sucks!
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Joke time
- Thread starter rtslinger
- Start date
A guy walks into a bar where a lounge singer is playing a piano. On top of the piano is a monkey.
The guy goes to the bar and orders a beer. As soon as the bartender sets it down, the monkey jumps onto the bar, runs down to the beer, dips his scrotum into the beer, then runs back to the piano.
The guy walks over to the lounge singer and says, "Hey, do you know your monkey dipped his balls in my beer?"
Lounge singer says, "No, but if you hum a few bars I can probably fake it."
The guy goes to the bar and orders a beer. As soon as the bartender sets it down, the monkey jumps onto the bar, runs down to the beer, dips his scrotum into the beer, then runs back to the piano.
The guy walks over to the lounge singer and says, "Hey, do you know your monkey dipped his balls in my beer?"
Lounge singer says, "No, but if you hum a few bars I can probably fake it."
Three couples want to become members of this strict church. One couple is in their 70s, one in their 40s and one in their 20s and just married.
The pastor tells them, "You all seem like nice people, but you must prove your love for God. You must all abstain from making love for one month. After one month, come back and you shall become part of the congregation."
A month goes by and the three couples return. The pastor asks the 70 year old couple how they did. The husband replies, "Well pastor, we've had a wonderful sex life, but we've been married 53 years. We still make love, but we were able to abstain relatively easily." The pastor congratulates them as part of the congregation.
The pastor asks the second couple to which the husband replies, "Pastor. My wife and I still enjoy a healthy sex life, but we were easily distracted with the kids running around the house. So we were able to abstain. The pastor welcomes them into the congregation.
Finally, the pastor asks the 20 year old newlyweds. The husband looks all nervous and responds, "Well pastor. We just got married a week before we came to you last month, and we were virgins when we married. The first week was very difficult. The second week, we prayed and prayed to God. The third week, we came close to making love, but didn't. Then the fourth week, my beautiful wife bent down to pick up a potato, and that was it. I could not resist any longer." The pastor said, "I"m sorry my son, but you will have to be banned from our congregation." To which the husband replies, "That's OK pastor, we're also banned from the Food Mart."
The pastor tells them, "You all seem like nice people, but you must prove your love for God. You must all abstain from making love for one month. After one month, come back and you shall become part of the congregation."
A month goes by and the three couples return. The pastor asks the 70 year old couple how they did. The husband replies, "Well pastor, we've had a wonderful sex life, but we've been married 53 years. We still make love, but we were able to abstain relatively easily." The pastor congratulates them as part of the congregation.
The pastor asks the second couple to which the husband replies, "Pastor. My wife and I still enjoy a healthy sex life, but we were easily distracted with the kids running around the house. So we were able to abstain. The pastor welcomes them into the congregation.
Finally, the pastor asks the 20 year old newlyweds. The husband looks all nervous and responds, "Well pastor. We just got married a week before we came to you last month, and we were virgins when we married. The first week was very difficult. The second week, we prayed and prayed to God. The third week, we came close to making love, but didn't. Then the fourth week, my beautiful wife bent down to pick up a potato, and that was it. I could not resist any longer." The pastor said, "I"m sorry my son, but you will have to be banned from our congregation." To which the husband replies, "That's OK pastor, we're also banned from the Food Mart."
The landlord in a local pub is an expert in judging the IQ of the punters. One day a new face enters the pub, the landlord talks with him for a short while and says: "Well, you must have an IQ well over 140." He introduces him to a man on the other end of the bar. They get to talk about Einstein's special and general theories of relativity as well as the philosophical links of Kant and Hegel and both enjoy a great night out in the pub.
An other new face is estimated nearer 90. He is brought to a corner of the pub where another bloke is watching a football match on tv. They get to talk the game, football in general and of course women and have a great night.
The third new face takes a bit more effort, which is understandable since the man only scores an IQ of 30. He gets taken along to a table in the back and planted on a chair next to a man who has been sitting there in silence for a while: "Right, trust my word for it, the two of you will get along just fine."
The two men slowly sip their pints for a very long time while looking at each other suspiciously. Until one says to the other: "So, which do you prefer, flatwounds or roundwounds?"
An other new face is estimated nearer 90. He is brought to a corner of the pub where another bloke is watching a football match on tv. They get to talk the game, football in general and of course women and have a great night.
The third new face takes a bit more effort, which is understandable since the man only scores an IQ of 30. He gets taken along to a table in the back and planted on a chair next to a man who has been sitting there in silence for a while: "Right, trust my word for it, the two of you will get along just fine."
The two men slowly sip their pints for a very long time while looking at each other suspiciously. Until one says to the other: "So, which do you prefer, flatwounds or roundwounds?"
Why did Disney Japan go out of business?
Nobody was tall enough to go on the good rides...
A man is sitting at the bar eating a bowl of pretzels. Another guy walks in with his pet monkey. The monkey jumps up on the bar and starts eating his pretzels. The monkey then starts jumping around the bar eating everyone's snacks. He finally goes over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball, pops it in his mouth, and swallows it whole. The guy says "Hey, your monkey is eating everything. He just ate the cue ball from the pool table!". The monkey's owner says "Sorry, but he eats some crazy stuff. I really can't control him". Finally, the guy leaves with the monkey after he has eaten everything he can get his hands on.
A couple of weeks later, the guy is sitting in the same bar eating pretzels again. He looks up to see the guy with the monkey walking in again. The monkey jumps up on the bar and grabs a pretzel out of the bowl. This time, he shoves it up his butt and then pulls it out before he eats it. The guy is horrified by this as the monkey continues to shove all of his food in his butt before he eats it. He finally looks at the monkey's owner and asks "Why is shoving all of his food in his butt before he eats it?"
The guy says "Ever since he ate the cue ball, he measures all of his food".
A couple of weeks later, the guy is sitting in the same bar eating pretzels again. He looks up to see the guy with the monkey walking in again. The monkey jumps up on the bar and grabs a pretzel out of the bowl. This time, he shoves it up his butt and then pulls it out before he eats it. The guy is horrified by this as the monkey continues to shove all of his food in his butt before he eats it. He finally looks at the monkey's owner and asks "Why is shoving all of his food in his butt before he eats it?"
The guy says "Ever since he ate the cue ball, he measures all of his food".
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?
At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son ."
The robot slaps the mother.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?
At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son ."
The robot slaps the mother.
Jazzdogg
Less barking, more wagging!
Mary and Martha are 2 life long friends. They went to school together, partied together, even bought houses next door to each other.
Once a month they still like to get out, have some drinks and cut loose.
On one particular gals night out, they are walking home past the graveyard when the both decide they have to pee. The two ladies squat behind some headstones, and take care of their business.
"Mary" says martha, "I didn't bring any tissue to clean up".
"I'm jus gonna use my panties" replies mary. So she wipes up and tosses them aside.
"Not me" says martha, so she grabs some flowers off the headstone and wipes up.
the next morning the two husbands are taking out the trash.
"You know we gotta put a stop to these gals nights out. Last night mary came home with no panties on."
"You think that's bad, martha came home with a card stuck in her a$$ that said 'FROM the boys at the Firehouse. We're going to miss you'"
Once a month they still like to get out, have some drinks and cut loose.
On one particular gals night out, they are walking home past the graveyard when the both decide they have to pee. The two ladies squat behind some headstones, and take care of their business.
"Mary" says martha, "I didn't bring any tissue to clean up".
"I'm jus gonna use my panties" replies mary. So she wipes up and tosses them aside.
"Not me" says martha, so she grabs some flowers off the headstone and wipes up.
the next morning the two husbands are taking out the trash.
"You know we gotta put a stop to these gals nights out. Last night mary came home with no panties on."
"You think that's bad, martha came home with a card stuck in her a$$ that said 'FROM the boys at the Firehouse. We're going to miss you'"
bassman314
I seem to be a verb, an evolutionary process...
The train was very crowded, so the American soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans! You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!!"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!!"
A man walks into a bar and sees a horse in the corner with a sign that said: "Make the horse laugh. Win $100." He walked up to the horse and whispered in the horses ear. The horse began to laugh. The man collected his winnings and left.
A week later, the man walked into the same bar. The horse was in the corner with a new sign that read: "Make the horse cry, win $100." The man went over to the horse, and the horse started to cry.
As the man went to the bartender to collect his money, the bartender said "I have to know, how'd you do it? Last week you made the horse laugh, this week you made it cry." The man replied: Last week I told him mine was bigger than his. This week I showed him.
A week later, the man walked into the same bar. The horse was in the corner with a new sign that read: "Make the horse cry, win $100." The man went over to the horse, and the horse started to cry.
As the man went to the bartender to collect his money, the bartender said "I have to know, how'd you do it? Last week you made the horse laugh, this week you made it cry." The man replied: Last week I told him mine was bigger than his. This week I showed him.
SirMjac28
Patiently Waiting For The Next British Invasion
My dad once said "They say 50% of marriages end in divorce, but the other 50% end in death, I figure I'm ahead of the curve."
