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Joke time

#104
A guitarist shows up late for band practice, as guitarists tend to do. He finds the bassist and drummer having a screaming row.

"What's going on here?" asks the guitarist.

The bass player replies "he reached over when I wasn't looking and detuned one of my strings".

"Well, it was a harmless enough prank. Why don't you just tune it back up?"

"He won't tell me which one!!!!"
 
#105
dalkowski said:
Love it. My late father was an ob-gyn. He was also a gentleman of the first order, and my brothers and I often wonder how many great genitalia jokes he knew but withheld from us.
Click to expand...

Once upon a time there was a gynecologist who only became a gynecologist because his father and grandfather were both gynecologists. His real dream was to be an auto mechanic. So eventually he decides to give up a successful practice and go back to school to get certified as a mechanic.

He does very well in the classes, and comes to his final exam, which involves fixing a car with some kind of problem. He is not told what. The instructor explains that the grade for the exam is based 50% on correctly diagnosing the problem, and 50% on correctly fixing it.

He does the exam, and feels pretty confident. But when he gets his grade back, he sees that he got 150% on the exam. He figures there must be some mistake, so he contacts the instructor.

"Yes," said the instructor, "you got 50 points for correctly diagnosing the problem, and another 50 points for correctly fixing it. And in your case, I decided to award 50 bonus points for doing it entirely through the tailpipe!"
 
#106
This one should be told as if you're telling a true story about something that happened to you. If you pull it off correctly, know one will know you're putting them on until the punchline:

I went in for my eye exam the other day. The doctor did my exam and then asked me to have a seat in the waiting room. He said he would be out to talk to me in a minute.

So a few minutes later he comes out, and I can't believe what he said to me. He said, "sir, you're going to have to stop with all the self-pleasuring".

I was aghast. "What?" I asked. "Am I making myself blind or something?"

"No, " he replied. "But it's really bothering my other patients."

:D
 
#108
Custer is fighting the Indians. They capture one of Custer's generals, bring him back to the Indian camp and tell him, "For why you and your men have done to my people, we are going to scalp you and kill you. But first we will grant you one wish."

The general tells them, "I want to speak to my horse." The Indians are puzzled by this but big the horse over. The general gets on his tip toes and whispers something into the horse's ear. The horse's eyes light up, and he bolts out of the Indian camp.

An hour later the horse come trotting back to the camp, stopping right in front of the general. On the back of the horse is a young, beautiful blond woman. She is absolutely gorgeous, and she's naked. The general looks are the horse in disgust and says, "I told you. Get the posse! The posse!
 
#109
INTERVIEW WITH A BEER DRINKER

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 six-packs

Lady: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So a six-pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 six-packs a day, which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800; correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending at $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: So where's your $#@%^& Ferrari?
 
#110
3 hunters and city guy are on a hunting trip. They are staying in a cabin far in the woods.

The first day of the trip, one of the hunters heads out on his own. He comes back later that day with a fairly large elk.

The city guy is amazed. "How'd you do that?", he asks.

The hunter responds "I find the tracks. I follow the tracks. I catch a big elk.".

The next day, another hunters head out on his own. He comes back later that day with an even larger elk.

The city guy is even more amazed. "How'd you do that?", he asks.

The hunter responds "I find the tracks. I follow the tracks. I catch a big elk.".

The third day, another hunters head out on his own. He comes back later that day with what has to be a world record elk.

The city guy is totally blown away. "How'd you do that?", he asks.

The hunter responds "I find the tracks. I follow the tracks. I catch a big elk.".

The fourth day, the city guy thinks to himself "I can do this!", so he heads out.

Later that day, a Ranger drops him back off at the cabin. He is bandaged up, and obviously has been in some form of accident. The hunters ask what happened.

"Well... I found the tracks. I followed the tracks. I nearly got hit by a large freight train."
 
#111
I went back East for the weekend to visit a friend in NYC.

I went down to 42nd street subway and there was a sign posted that read;

"Do to budgetary constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off."

blue
 
#114
Two male lions are walking single-file through the jungle. All of a sudden, the one in the back licks the other one's, um, backside.

The first lion turns and growls at the second one, then keeps walking. Pretty soon the second lion does it again. This time, the first lion growls and swats the other lion upside the head. "What the hell are you doin', man?!!", demands the first lion.

The second lion says, "I'm sorry, man. I just ate a lawyer, and I'm tryin' to get the taste out of my mouth..."
 
#116
Flyingfrets said:
This is a commercial that someone forwarded to me, but I laughed so hard I think I peed a little...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5mHPo2yDG8
Click to expand...

Holy freaking crap! I honsetly think I would have killed that dude. That was somewhat funny to me, but more messed up. I don't like that kinda stuff. He could have easily given that guy a heart attack.
 

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