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Musician Jokes
- Thread starter johnny rg
- Start date
- Dec 12, 2007
- 2,268
- 43
- Disclosures
- Endorsing Artist: Zon Guitars, Tsunami Cables, DR Strings, GK
How can you pick out a drummer in a crowd? He's wearing a Domino's Pizza hat.
What is the difference between an onion and a bag pipe? No one cries when you cut up a bag pipe.
What is the difference between an onion and a bag pipe? No one cries when you cut up a bag pipe.
A man goes to the doctor and says "doctor, i want to play bass" the doctor says "ok, but we are going to have to remove half of your brain. so the man goes through an extensive surgery to remove half of his brain. after the surgery, the doctor goes up to the man and says "i'm very sorry to tell you this, but we accidently removed all of your brain" the man says "then what do i do now, doctor?" the doctor then hands him a pair of drumsticks and says "this is what i recommend"
The band was out playing golf one afternoon, taking a break from their touring schedule.
All of a sudden someone nearby yells "fore"!
Everyone ducks except for the drummer, who turns around and gets slammed in the forehead with a wicked drive.
He falls to the ground and is quickly surrounded by his bandmates, wondering if he's okay.
As he comes to and sits up, he's helped up and still groggy, he starts cursing and yelling as loud as he can.
As he calms down, the guitarists asks "What your you so mad about?" You should have ducked, just like the rest of us.
The drummer then yells: I just turned around to find out what the guy was yelling for.
All of a sudden someone nearby yells "fore"!
Everyone ducks except for the drummer, who turns around and gets slammed in the forehead with a wicked drive.
He falls to the ground and is quickly surrounded by his bandmates, wondering if he's okay.
As he comes to and sits up, he's helped up and still groggy, he starts cursing and yelling as loud as he can.
As he calms down, the guitarists asks "What your you so mad about?" You should have ducked, just like the rest of us.
The drummer then yells: I just turned around to find out what the guy was yelling for.
A banjo player gets home late one night and is too tired to carry his banjo inside, so he leaves it in the car. The next morning he wakes up, looks outside and sees the back window of his car has been smashed. Horrified, he runs outside, looks in car, and sees two banjos inside.
1. What's the difference between a signer and a terrorist?
- You can negotiate with a terrorist.
2. How do you tell there's a singer at the door?
- She doesn't have the key and doesn't know when to come in
3. What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
- Vibrato
4. What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
- His amp
- You can negotiate with a terrorist.
2. How do you tell there's a singer at the door?
- She doesn't have the key and doesn't know when to come in
3. What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
- Vibrato
4. What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
- His amp
Q: How can you tell that the stage is level?
A: The drummer is drooling from *both* sides of his mouth.
A: The drummer is drooling from *both* sides of his mouth.
How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar
How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..
Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I
Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them
What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.
How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.
How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.
What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....~
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don't return it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could've done it.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
Both suck when you plug them in
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None...they just steal somebody else's light
What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."
Two guys were walking down the street ...one was destitute ...
the other was a guitar player as well ..
How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it.
What do call a successful musician?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.
etcetcetcetc....
thank you I really needed to laugh out loud
peace capt Kirk
Shoot one.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar
How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..
Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I
Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them
What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.
How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.
How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.
What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....~
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don't return it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could've done it.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
Both suck when you plug them in
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None...they just steal somebody else's light
What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."
Two guys were walking down the street ...one was destitute ...
the other was a guitar player as well ..
How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it.
What do call a successful musician?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.
etcetcetcetc....
thank you I really needed to laugh out loud
peace capt Kirk
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"
How can you tell which kid on the playground is the trombone player's kid?
He doesn,t know how to work the slide and he can,t swing!
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
and this is one I have sent to my friends !?
Dear Bandleader thank you for your letter. I really do think you have an
attitude problem and do want a few requests played if you don't mind. What
me and my wife were thinking was:
-Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange for
full ensemble and nothing in 4/4 please.
-Mahavishnu Orchestra, Dance of the Maya and please have the guitar player
play John Mcglaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at
Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and particularly liked his
use of polyrhythmics. If you find it too difficult you can leave out the
feedback. Your choice.
-John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of
atonality is not everyone's cup of tea, but my guests are usually fond of|
high register tenor saxes.
-We thought a little Stravinsky would be nice. We particularly like the
|Rite of Spring. If you want to use the sheet music it's OK. My husband
likes it about 1/4 note = 93 beats per minute.
-Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please learn Frank Zappa's "The
Great Wazoo". If you want to play it in the originally B flat, that would
be OK. And yes, cousin Jeannie does want to sing the baritone sax solo.
Please don't say no, it would hurt her feelings so.
-Finally we have built our own musical instruments (It's kind of a hobby
with us) and we would appreciate if you would use our instruments. None of
them are based upon a 12 tone scale or on common harmonics, but our 5 year
old son tells us it's not really that hard to transpose once you understand
the physics.
We would be happy to pay each member an extra $25 for any inconvenience.
Thank you and don't be late!
Mr. and Mrs. Snovly
A sax player dies and goes to the pearly gates.St Peter says sorry 'too much partying you have to go to the other place. The elevator doors open and he goes into a huge bar.All the greatest are on stage on a break.He goes over to Charlie Parker and says .Hey this can't be Hell all the best are playing here.Charlie say's hey man 'Karen Carpenter is on drums!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."
A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2".
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."
How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.
A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities.
First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: "Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!"
Then the drummer: "Lots of people showed up tonight...Great! we're going to make good money tonight"
Then the Keyboard player: "All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent...What a bunch of losers"
Finally, the Bass player: "C...G...C...G..."
Two drummers and a violinist decide to form a band. The three of them start playing, and the sound is just awful. One drummer turns to the other and says, "We sound terrible. I don't think this is going to work. Let's get rid of the violinist."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This trumpet player was on the phone with his agent. He was concerned that he didn't have a gig in a while. His agent tells him; "Listen, there aren't any gigs out there, but I found you something. I got you a gig bagging lions."
To which the trumpet player says, "What does that have to do with my playing. The agent then says "Look, the gig pays 100.00 for each lion that you bag, don't worry about playing"
.At this point the trumpet player will take anything so he hangs up and flies to Africa. Not wanting to miss any practice time he takes his trumpet with him while looking for the lions. He notices a lion coming toward him and the only thing that he could think of doing is playing his horn. He starts to play a beautiful ballad. He then notices that the lion starts to get sleepy and eventually goes to sleep. He grabs the lion, bags him and throws him in the back of his truck.
He goes a little further and sees another lion. Again he plays a beautiful ballad and again the lion falls asleep. This goes on all afternoon. The trumpet player has about 99 lions in his truck when he sees another.
He says "What the heck, one more won't hurt". He starts to play his ballad and notices that the lion is not paying any attention to him so he starts to play louder. The lion starts to run toward the trumpet player. The trumpet player starts to play faster and faster but the lion keeps coming toward him. The lion jumps on the trumpet player and eats him.
One of the lions on the truck turns to another lion and says, "I told you that when he gets to the deaf one the gig would be over".
hahahahahahahahahahahahah
ouch
I could go on...........
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"
How can you tell which kid on the playground is the trombone player's kid?
He doesn,t know how to work the slide and he can,t swing!
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
and this is one I have sent to my friends !?
Dear Bandleader thank you for your letter. I really do think you have an
attitude problem and do want a few requests played if you don't mind. What
me and my wife were thinking was:
-Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange for
full ensemble and nothing in 4/4 please.
-Mahavishnu Orchestra, Dance of the Maya and please have the guitar player
play John Mcglaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at
Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and particularly liked his
use of polyrhythmics. If you find it too difficult you can leave out the
feedback. Your choice.
-John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of
atonality is not everyone's cup of tea, but my guests are usually fond of|
high register tenor saxes.
-We thought a little Stravinsky would be nice. We particularly like the
|Rite of Spring. If you want to use the sheet music it's OK. My husband
likes it about 1/4 note = 93 beats per minute.
-Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please learn Frank Zappa's "The
Great Wazoo". If you want to play it in the originally B flat, that would
be OK. And yes, cousin Jeannie does want to sing the baritone sax solo.
Please don't say no, it would hurt her feelings so.
-Finally we have built our own musical instruments (It's kind of a hobby
with us) and we would appreciate if you would use our instruments. None of
them are based upon a 12 tone scale or on common harmonics, but our 5 year
old son tells us it's not really that hard to transpose once you understand
the physics.
We would be happy to pay each member an extra $25 for any inconvenience.
Thank you and don't be late!
Mr. and Mrs. Snovly
A sax player dies and goes to the pearly gates.St Peter says sorry 'too much partying you have to go to the other place. The elevator doors open and he goes into a huge bar.All the greatest are on stage on a break.He goes over to Charlie Parker and says .Hey this can't be Hell all the best are playing here.Charlie say's hey man 'Karen Carpenter is on drums!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."
A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2".
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."
How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.
A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities.
First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: "Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!"
Then the drummer: "Lots of people showed up tonight...Great! we're going to make good money tonight"
Then the Keyboard player: "All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent...What a bunch of losers"
Finally, the Bass player: "C...G...C...G..."
Two drummers and a violinist decide to form a band. The three of them start playing, and the sound is just awful. One drummer turns to the other and says, "We sound terrible. I don't think this is going to work. Let's get rid of the violinist."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This trumpet player was on the phone with his agent. He was concerned that he didn't have a gig in a while. His agent tells him; "Listen, there aren't any gigs out there, but I found you something. I got you a gig bagging lions."
To which the trumpet player says, "What does that have to do with my playing. The agent then says "Look, the gig pays 100.00 for each lion that you bag, don't worry about playing"
.At this point the trumpet player will take anything so he hangs up and flies to Africa. Not wanting to miss any practice time he takes his trumpet with him while looking for the lions. He notices a lion coming toward him and the only thing that he could think of doing is playing his horn. He starts to play a beautiful ballad. He then notices that the lion starts to get sleepy and eventually goes to sleep. He grabs the lion, bags him and throws him in the back of his truck.
He goes a little further and sees another lion. Again he plays a beautiful ballad and again the lion falls asleep. This goes on all afternoon. The trumpet player has about 99 lions in his truck when he sees another.
He says "What the heck, one more won't hurt". He starts to play his ballad and notices that the lion is not paying any attention to him so he starts to play louder. The lion starts to run toward the trumpet player. The trumpet player starts to play faster and faster but the lion keeps coming toward him. The lion jumps on the trumpet player and eats him.
One of the lions on the truck turns to another lion and says, "I told you that when he gets to the deaf one the gig would be over".
hahahahahahahahahahahahah
ouch
I could go on...........
Be nice to drummers...I'm one!
Guilty!
Thats really funny.
