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My Band Dropped the Bomb on Me

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fourstringdrums

fourstringdrums

Decidedly Indecisive
Supporting Member
Oct 20, 2002
9,722
12,480
45
Massachusetts
#1
I've been in a band now for the past 8 months (as the drummer). From the beginning this was a project that I've always wanted to find. It was really creative musically and allowed me the freedom to not always do the same set list or play a song the same way every time. We took pride in giving the audience something new every time and I loved that.

We recently completed a new CD and we were headed toward some good things..until tonight. The guys in the band told me they felt it was best if I left. I'm not going to over analyze their reasons because I don't agree with all of it and that will get me nowhere. But basically they felt that there was a personal disconnect amongst us. We were a trio and the other two guys have known each other for over 15 years. While they didn't expect me to reach that level, they felt that there was just a constant lack of understanding and some communication breakdowns between the three of us. I was always aware of this and did my best to try and help the situation, but in the end I understand that it was never going to get better. You either click with people or you don't.

The hardest one was musically. One of the members is big on vibe, and he said I wasn't connecting with them musically and wasn't feeling it. This I don't agree with or understand. We never had any major issues with tempo, and I'm a drummer that was always listening because we did a lot of improv and we could change song structure or dynamics at any second, and I could keep up with that. For example we had a gig last weekend and someone took a video. It was not our best effort on the song that was posted, and in the video our bassist was having a lot of trouble and that was what I felt was derailing the song. Yet they contend that while he was having issues, that there was just a disconnect....again I don't understand.

It's a weird feeling to feel like you know how the music is vibing and how that personally makes you feel, yet to be told the opposite by the members in the band.

In the end I think it boils down to some people having quirks that you don't understand and even if there is nothing wrong with what you're doing, you just to jive enough for some people. The thing is that I know that most musicians in the area would kill to have a drummer who isn't a druggie or alcoholic, doesn't have an ego, plays with dynamics and feel, and is open minded.

Just venting...
 
#4
Congratulations! You just got rid of some dead weight (two dead weights to be exact). Now you are free to hook up with people that you really click with, and increase your enjoyment level. This is definitely a step in the right direction, although you may not realize it right now.....but in five years, you sure will!
 
#5
Stumbo said:
New guy=fall guy
Click to expand...

At what point is the new guy not the new guy? I was with them 8 months. I basically was thrown into the fire.. I auditioned, got the job, did a gig and started recording immediately. Most of the tunes on our CD were me only having heard them a few times and they came out really well. If that's a musical disconnect then I don't know..

The funny thing is this has happened before. I had another band tell me how much I brought to the band and then at some point it wasn't good enough any more.
 
#6
SactoBass said:
Congratulations! You just got rid of some dead weight (two dead weights to be exact). Now you are free to hook up with people that you really click with, and increase your enjoyment level. This is definitely a step in the right direction, although you may not realize it right now.....but in five years, you sure will!
Click to expand...

I'm sure I will. I'm just shocked right now. I was having a great time other than what I perceived as slight communication issues.
 
#7
Sorry to hear it.
I know the feeling of thinking you're doing well with a band you really enjoy and it has to end, though in my case the band broke up.

It may be hard, but look for the silver lining. I'm sure another opportunity will come knocking. It might not be exactly what you're looking for, but my advise is to just go for it. After the band i mentioned earlier split, I ended up going on to bigger bands, playing bigger shows than I had ever played.
 
#10
Just a couple of years ago, I joined an up-and-coming retro country band, about 50/50 originals to covers, a couple of CD's under their belts.

Nine months later, I'm starting to wonder if they are ever going to take new promo pics, put my name on the website, etc.

When I raised the issue, they got indignant. I promptly resigned.

Sometimes we feel the connection, but, for reasons we may never know or understand, the others don't.

I have since moved on to bigger, better, more rewarding things with an obvious connection with my bandmates.

You will too.
 
#12
It's a shame that they couldn't at least say "thank you" for your time and effort, but that's how it is sometimes. Sometimes people don't know how to end things without making someone else the scapegoat. It's a way of avoiding responsibility, I guess.

Anyway, your love of music and your skill as an instrumentalist are bigger than these guys or the project you shared with them.
 
#13
bluewine said:
Is there any more to this story, can you give an example of the communication issue?

Blue
Click to expand...

Well again, it's a trio so there's two other guys. I had the biggest issue with the bassist. We usually couldn't have a conversation or discuss band issues without misunderstanding each other. It's almost like he'd analyze my every word and try to put meaning behind them that wasn't there. Then likewise, I'd try to figure out why he was so confused. We'd wind up questioning each other and making a huge issue out of nothing really. For instance, I had a question about something when I was creating our website. I think it had to do with reverb nation and why we don't use the page as much. It was kind of an obvious question, but he was analyzing WHY I was asking him the question instead of just answering me and moving on. Then I'd over analyze why he was analyzing me...it's like we had a hard time getting a read on each other.

The guitarist was more about personal connection. We never really talked outside of rehearsal and neither of us made an effort to. He was always very busy and I never wanted to bother him, so he felt like I never made an effort to get to know him. But likewise, he never tried to reach out and get to know me.

But with him, an issue we had was, we were trying to book a gig with a friend of ours. He told me he'd talk to our friend and get it squared away. About a week went by and he hadn't talked to our friend. I knew he was busy so he probably didn't have time. I wound up seeing our friend online so I just asked him since he was online. Our guitarist found out that I "went behind his back" and was pissed. This was early on when I didn't know that they had strong feelings about that sort of thing. Their feelings were, if I book a gig and you have a question about it, you don't go to the promoter with the question, you go to me since I was the one who started the initial correspondence.

Things like that which all added up to them feeling like I should have known how they communicate or function as a band from the get-go.

scottfeldstein said:
It's a shame that they couldn't at least say "thank you" for your time and effort, but that's how it is sometimes. Sometimes people don't know how to end things without making someone else the scapegoat. It's a way of avoiding responsibility, I guess.

Anyway, your love of music and your skill as an instrumentalist are bigger than these guys or the project you shared with them.
Click to expand...

They did thank me and told me that they thought I'm a great drummer. But they felt that the "vibe" wasn't there, and that we didn't get along as much personally as they would have liked.
 
#14
fourstringdrums said:
They did thank me and told me that they thought I'm a great drummer. But they felt that the "vibe" wasn't there, and that we didn't get along as much personally as they would have liked.
Click to expand...

Hey, that's something! But it sounds like they are looking for a wife and not a bandmate. I'm in a trio. I'm Facebook friends--and real life friends--with the other two (a married couple). But it's not necessary that we understand every single thing that each other does and says. We're not soul mates. They invited me in to bump a groove and I do that, the end.

It sounds to me like these guys are kind of uptight. Fussing over why you asked what you asked and second-guessing your approach on a gig? Screw that. You don't need that kind of hassle. Frankly it sounds like they need to grow up and grow a thicker skin, too.
 
#15
I remember ariving at an audition for a power trio once. I knew I was not a match with these dudes before I set up my gear.

I should have went with my gut and told them it wasn't happening before I bothered to go through with the audition.

blue
 
#16
bluewine said:
I remember ariving at an audition for a power trio once. I knew I was not a match with these dudes before I set up my gear.

I should have went with my gut and told them it wasn't happening before I bothered to go through with the audition.

blue
Click to expand...

scottfeldstein said:
Hey, that's something! But it sounds like they are looking for a wife and not a bandmate. I'm in a trio. I'm Facebook friends--and real life friends--with the other two (a married couple). But it's not necessary that we understand every single thing that each other does and says. We're not soul mates. They invited me in to bump a groove and I do that, the end.

It sounds to me like these guys are kind of uptight. Fussing over why you asked what you asked and second-guessing your approach on a gig? Screw that. You don't need that kind of hassle. Frankly it sounds like they need to grow up and grow a thicker skin, too.
Click to expand...

Well we "vibed" really well right away. We met for lunch, and then when we got along in person. I auditioned, and they asked me to play a gig that was going to be in 2 weeks. I did the gig, that went well and then we started recording. Most of the tunes I had never heard before and were essentially jams as far as I was concerned. That became our cd. If you guys are interested in hearing it.

[Invalid or Expired Link Removed]

A lot of the tunes I only played maybe 3 times. "Love 'em to death" was one that I played to an existing recording.

I think if I didn't "vibe" with them, I would never have been able to pull that off. We had a habit of changing how we would play songs from gig to gig. On the video I mentioned in my OP, I looked at it again to see what they were talking about. The guitarist started it in the wrong key, which he admits. But he started it with laid back feel, yet the tempo was where it should be. But when myself and the bassist came in, I felt that he was pulling back and I responded by laying behind the beat a little bit..again, I was listening and doing what I usually do and feeling for any shifts. They play based on how they feel at the moment and I feel I respond to that. So they commented how the tempo changed..we're talking a few bpm..nothing drastic. As we get into the pre-chorus, I feel the energy coming back up and to me it makes sense, so we go back to the tempo he originally set and we stick with it. That was what I was having an issue with there, but for the rest of the video, the bassist was having a hard time I think because it was in a different key and he wasn't getting into it. But yet this is blamed on a vibe disconnect? Aw hell, here is the video..not one of our best but it might make sense in context. It was a halloween gig, that's why we're dressed up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSzXNOQAsjc&feature=channel&list=UL
 
#17
I got kicked out of a 6-7 piece ska band not too long ago. Me and my friends all know that I was the better musician in the band... and I taught them a lot of valuable things about music. This thing was, they were not at a level of musicality (or maturity) as I was, and most of them didn't want to try to sound any better. Eventually they kicked me out because I was trying to make them better musicians.

so what did I do after that? well, for one thing I made sure I was better than they were. I started really learning scales and theory and all kinds of things about music. I did my homework. I think I did this to spite them. then I joined another band. different genre this time. much harder to write music for, but a lot more fun because it was prog rock. my new band eventually found a new drummer and things are still going well.

the moral of the story is: sometimes they reject you because they are ********....not because there is a problem with you. now go find some better musicians and have a good run with them until you hate each other ;)
 
#18
I can't tell if they're out of key. They both sound okay to me. I think you blended in nicely. They just don't like you anymore
:ninja:

Edit: The last 20 seconds or so... maybe seems you went a little more frantic than the rest. But other than that, I like both of their playing, and enjoy your playing as well. I think there was a good connection amongst all 3 players.I simply think they disliked you, and would rather go to a duo than have to deal with you rubbing against their skin and not flopping over and taking it with no lube. Or letting them spit on your face.:scowl:
 
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