Passive-aggressive behavior

[1st Bass]

For a person who has served for years as a volunteer, (doing the jobs that no one else was able/willing to do,) to reach the end of their own willingness/ability to keep serving without pay OR appreciation is NOT passive aggressive behavior: it is self-preservation.

There in no reason OP has to remain a doormat/vending-machine combination for supposed adults, who won’t lift a hand to help, while someone else snipes at her for trying.

She has already verbalized her intent to hand over these chores to whomever is willing to take the “baton” and run the race. If no one is willing, then the band is in for a rough time… and very likely will need a new bassist as well.

LBS, hats off to you for hanging in there this long. I truly hope that someone wakes up and saves the band.

 

[gln1955]

But you own the rehearsal space.

Just don't notify him for the next rehearsal, and that's it.

Or invite the others to a sort of informal rehearsal at a different moment than usual rehearsal time, and if they ask why the other wasn't invited, you just can say he doesn't respond to your message.

I don't get why don't want to take real actions.

Now that is a classic passive aggressive action. If you read LBS's account of how the band was formed and how is operates, you'd know this probably wouldn't fly with the other members. It sounds like a more dramatic way to kill the band compared to the slow fizzle that is likely to occur without LBS's leadership.

 

[Gluvhand]

I find it hard to understand that you don't seem to understand that what you intend to do...stop doing the bands administrative, as you call them, duties, that you took on yourself,...is pretty much a classic case of passive agressiveness. At the very least call that band meeting and tell them that you're done with that stuff and turn the social media pages and band contracts over to someone else in the band.

Considering the band drama you've let us enjoy the past few months I can't believe you found the nerve to post this. Bravo.

 

[LBS-bass]

Now that is a classic passive aggressive action. If you read LBS's account of how the band was formed and how is operates, you'd know this probably wouldn't fly with the other members. It sounds like a more dramatic way to kill the band compared to the slow fizzle that is likely to occur without LBS's leadership.

It's certainly not a respectful way to handle anything, and if I were to entertain such an idea it would surely erode whatever respect they might still have for me, not to mention my own self-respect.

The way I see it, they should have an opportunity to salvage this. I've tried, but seem to be unable. So it's their turn. I hope they can. I'll stick with it as long as I'm good with the direction they choose.

 

[EddiePlaysBass]

It's pretty classic, really. Givers give and takers take, and when the givers get tired then everyone gets upset because the free ride is over, as though they were owed that free ride all along.

100% agreed. Been there so often, I started to wonder if I actually got some sort of satisfaction out of letting people use and (verbally) abuse me. Keep smiling, keep your head down and keep saying "yes, of course" and everyone will be happy. Everyone else but you.

 

[EddiePlaysBass]

I'll stick with it as long as I'm good with the direction they choose.

I was hesitant to ask, and you do not need to respond but does this also mean you will forego your booking concept, and let the new member book the band into the lesser-desirable venues?

 

[LBS-bass]

100% agreed. Been there so often, I started to wonder if I actually got some sort of satisfaction out of letting people use and (verbally) abuse me. Keep smiling, keep your head down and keep saying "yes, of course" and everyone will be happy. Everyone else but you.

I hear that. The satisfaction I get from this is the success we've achieved. But it's coming now at a steep price and I'm unwilling to keep paying. It's also now clear that I can do exactly the same things for a different band with more appreciation and less drama.

 

[LBS-bass]

I was hesitant to ask, and you do not need to respond but does this also mean you will forego your booking concept, and let the new member book the band into the lesser-desirable venues?

I will see what they do with that, play some gigs if they book them and see how it goes. I'm perfectly willing to be wrong about all of it.

I played a lot of shows around this town with a guy who had no following; he'd been around for years and failed to gain an audience. He was a nice guy though. He'd book into all these venues, breweries, etc., and somehow expect people to be there (or stay there) but his song lists were lacking, his stage show was lacking, and the few people who would coincidentally be there would drink up and leave, and we'd be playing for the bartenders. Every. Single. Time.

When I finally decided i had to stop working for him, I swore I'd do everything in my power to never have another night like that, because three sets of that is agony at my age and I have paid my dues many times over by now. But I'll be darned if people aren't determined to try dragging me back to that, anyway.

So, we'll see. I have a pretty good idea what works, and a very good idea what doesn't work, but I'll happily be proven wrong, and I'll give them a chance; it's a far better band. But both I and the drummer (who also played with that guy) have limited patience for those sorts of shows anymore.

 

[LBS-bass]

Regarding the above: Every band has an off night; they can't all be stellar. But there are a lot of things you can do to tip the odds in your favor. You can play close to where your people live. You can avoid playing back to back shows in the same area. You can play the clubs they like to go to. Stuff like that. Change the odds as best you can.

They also need to finish putting a third set together, and I predict they'll start filling it out with easier stuff that's common ground for a lot of other bands. They'll do them well, but they'll lose much of their uniqueness and competitive edge if they continue in that direction. I won't try and stop them, though, if that's what they choose to do. It will signal me to start planning my exit because I have no interest in playing in another mid-level, cookie-cutter party band, even a good one.

 

[basseux]

Now that is a classic passive aggressive action. If you read LBS's account of how the band was formed and how is operates, you'd know this probably wouldn't fly with the other members. It sounds like a more dramatic way to kill the band compared to the slow fizzle that is likely to occur without LBS's leadership.

So you are saying the guy selectively ignores anything she says but not the rehearsal invitations ?

I don't see why I would invite at my place people that direspect and hates me.

Since how long this PA behaviour is going on ?
I am sure you handle bands way better than I do, but the idea of a future without positive perspective is difficult just reading the thread.
Plus, the band might collapse anyway, if the administrative task are not done up to the standards of OP.

 

[bertthebassist]

Are you dealing with a bunch of easy going, very laid back, yes men and one no-responder who hate confrontation and find it easier to agree with you (or not respond), even though they may have reservations that they will not tell you?

 

[gln1955]

So you are saying the guy selectively ignores anything she says but not the rehearsal invitations ?

I don't see why I would invite at my place people that direspect and hates me.

Since how long this PA behaviour is going on ?
I am sure you handle bands way better than I do, but the idea of a future without positive perspective is difficult just reading the thread.
Plus, the band might collapse anyway, if the administrative task are not done up to the standards of OP.

Not responding doesn't mean he doesn't read messages.

Scheduling a rehearsal and not telling him is disrespectful and cowardly. LBS is trying to handle this like an adult.

 

[LBS-bass]

Are you dealing with a bunch of easy going, very laid back, yes men and one no-responder who hate confrontation and find it easier to agree with you (or not respond), even though they may have reservations that they will not tell you?

That appears accurate.

The laid-back people don't seem to have any problems and would probably love for things to just keep rolling along as they are, but they're also annoyed that this guy won't respond to me. However, they express that annoyance by texting me and asking me if I've heard from him, do I know why he isn't texting back, etc. That, in turn, is annoying for me because I don't know any more than they do, but they seem to expect me to fix it.

When I ask them to @ him themselves, he responds to them. He also responds to them when they have an initial question, such as the LS being contacted by a venue recently and wanting to know if we were available. He was on top of that one within minutes. Following day I ask about a different date and we're back to crickets. It's been over a week and I still don't know if he's available that day.

I didn't follow up on that one, though, because I've kinda had it with crawling up this guy's behind every time I need an answer from him. Instead, I'm just assuming he can't do it, since I know he saw my request, so I'll take the gig off the table. Because I'm not his mommy.

And when I start feeling/thinking in those terms, it's time to acknowledge and address the problem, whatever it is.

 

[LBS-bass]

Not responding doesn't mean he doesn't read messages.

Scheduling a rehearsal and not telling him is disrespectful and cowardly. LBS is trying to handle this like an adult.

We have at least three years of history for the three of us; he did not behave this way prior to the Covid lockdown and subsequent changes in the band. It hurts my heart that this is going on.

And yes, I can see that he's read the messages in the text string. He's choosing inaction.

 

[basseux]

Not responding doesn't mean he doesn't read messages.

Scheduling a rehearsal and not telling him is disrespectful and cowardly. LBS is trying to handle this like an adult.

So far, this guy looks like the disrespectful coward or I am missing something.

Letting go of administrative duties means not scheduling rehearsals anymore and hope the others takes the task without the band crashing.
Is that what you call handling things like an adult ?

If that strategy works, you will still be ignored by that person on any matter, and if it doesn't work, you lose everything.

But maybe things between them aren't as bad as I picture them.

 

[LBS-bass]

So far, this guy looks like the disrespectful coward or I am missing something.

If letting go of administrative duties means not scheduling rehearsals anymore and hope the others takes the task without the band crashing, is what you call handling things like an adult ?

If that strategy works, you will still be ignored by that person, and if it doesn't, you lose everything.

If it deletes the current stress level, I really am beyond the point of caring. I don't lose much because I play in three other bands, and one of them would very much like my help with promotion and management. So I just scoot over to where I'm a bit more appreciated, and all is good.

Rehearsals will happen as long as someone is willing to send out the text reminders on rehearsal days. I'm not going to do that, but it's part of the admin stuff that I've handed off to the LS. The drummer has told me today he's willing to take over the mailing list. I had a lot of promotional ideas for the people on the list (drink tickets, contests, etc.), but I'm on the fence about how much of that to share at this point. If we can resolve this I'll feel better about investing more vision and emotional energy with them, but for now I just feel tapped out and used up. I can share those ideas with the other band.

 

[basseux]

If it deletes the current stress level, I really am beyond the point of caring. I don't lose much because I play in three other bands, and one of them would very much like my help with promotion and management. So I just scoot over to where I'm a bit more appreciated, and all is good.

Rehearsals will happen as long as someone is willing to send out the text reminders on rehearsal days. I'm not going to do that, but it's part of the admin stuff that I've handed off to the LS. The drummer has told me today he's willing to take over the mailing list. I had a lot of promotional ideas for the people on the list (drink tickets, contests, etc.), but I'm on the fence about how much of that to share at this point. If we can resolve this I'll feel better about investing more vision and emotional energy with them, but for now I just feel tapped out. I can share those ideas with the other band.

Ok I understand, you have enough stuff going on to draw your attention on something else, away from the negativity.

 

[LBS-bass]

Ok I understand, you have enough stuff going on to draw your attention on something else, away from the negativity.

Good way to put it, yes. We had a great show with the other band the other night and there was a lot of crossover from this band's crowd, so I feel like I'm doing something right, in spite of these problems. On a personal level I have much to be happy about.

We've invested a lot of energy and work into this band, so I don't give up without a fight, but I only have so much fight in me. The others have to step up. If they aren't willing, then I can't do it.

 

[bassicmike]

...I really am beyond the point of caring. I don't lose much because I play in three other bands, and one of them would very much like my help with promotion and management. So I just scoot over to where I'm a bit more appreciated, and all is good.

Rehearsals will happen as long as someone is willing to send out the text reminders on rehearsal days. I'm not going to do that, but it's part of the admin stuff that I've handed off to the LS. The drummer has told me today he's willing to take over the mailing list. I had a lot of promotional ideas for the people on the list (drink tickets, contests, etc.), but I'm on the fence about how much of that to share at this point. If we can resolve this I'll feel better about investing more vision and emotional energy with them, but for now I just feel tapped out and used up. I can share those ideas with the other band.

My first thought, when reading this post, was 'perhaps its time to just pull the plug'.

My other thought is 'why don't they just replace the bad apple?' (you may have gone into this more earlier - i think you said he's actually a good player)

 

[LBS-bass]

My first thought, when reading this post, was 'perhaps its time to just pull the plug'.

My other thought is 'why don't they just replace the bad apple?' (you may have gone into this more earlier - i think you said he's actually a good player)

He's a very good player and an integral part of our overall sound, because he's also a great natural harmonist, as are the other two core members (me and the LS), and the band is built on our ability to harmonize and play at an expert level by ear.

In 40+ years I've not met many players with the ear and ability he has, so he would really be impossible to replace at this level. I'd have to pay someone to come in with his skill level and, at this point, with things in this much disarray, I am not willing to put that much out there. And once I start putting that kind of money out, then it sort of turns into my vanity project, right?

As much as it's fun having this kind of success, we don't really make that much money. I can afford to do it, but I won't.

Aside from that, he's a core member with a lot of history here. I can't just replace him any more than he can replace me. It gets very angsty at that point and I'm not willing to go there. The whole thing is just sad, really.

My gut says he knows he's irreplaceable but I don't think he knows how much his attitude is damaging our future.