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Dumb Craig's List Ads pt.4: Dumber and Dumbest

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#601
This one had me rolling. Ad in the local CL titled "Guitarist/Vocalist for hire(Lousville)".

Here is the full ad:



I can do rhythm and lead, and I can kill vocal solos and backups. I just recorded a 30 minute guitar solo. Hit me up if you need someone like this.


Any takers? I about lost it thinking about backing this guy up for 30 minutes while he wanks! :p
 
#602
Seems like a solid investment.

[Invalid or Expired Link Removed]

BASS PLAYER POSITION - $20000

BASS PLAYER POSITION
CALL OR TEXT 805-395-0434

TRADUCCION EN ESPANOL DISPONIBLE SI LO PIDES.
ABOUT THE BAND

LOCATED IN CALIFORNIA. FORMED ABOUT 7 YEARS AGO AND IT HAS BEEN ON THE RED CARPET TWICE WHEN WE WERE NOMINATED TWICE IN A ROW TO "PREMIO LO NUESTRO" (TV AWARDS SIMILAR TO THE GRAMYS) TRANSMITED ON INTERNATIONAL TV IN 2011 AND 2012 WITH ONLY 3 ALBUMS RECORDED. IT DEFINATELY HAS MORE FUTURE. IT'S BEEN IN SEVERAL SPANISH LOCAL, NATIONAL, AND WELL KNOWN INTERNATIONAL TV SHOWS SEVERAL TIMES LIKE:

SABADO GIGANTE, EL GORDO Y LA FLACA, DESPIERTA AMERICA, DESCONTROL, NOCHE DE PERROS, TU DESAYUNO ALEGRE, ESTRELLA TV, LEVANTATE, LANZATE, NITIDO, AND OTHERS. IT HAS RADIO INTERVIEWS VERY OFTEN, TOURS TO SEVERAL STATES OF THE US ONLY AND PLANNING ON TOURING TO MEXICO IN THE FUTURE.CURRENTLY WORKING ON THEIR 4TH ALBUM. IT ALSO HAS A FEW PROFETIONAL MUSIC VIDEOS.


GREAT OPORTUNITY FOR A BASS PLAYER WHO WANTS TO GET SERIOUS IN THE MUSIC BUSINESS WITH THIS BAND.

I CURRENTLY HAVE THE POSITION AND I'LL LEAVE THE POSITION TO YOU FOR $20,000.00 OR BEST OFFER.

YOUR DREAM CAME TRUE. I'LL LEAVE MY POSITION TO YOU.

WHEN YOU BUY, I'LL SEND YOU THE SONGS WE USUALLY PLAY, FOR YOU TO LEARN. WHEN YOU ARE READY TO TAKE THE JOB, LET ME KNOW AND WILL TELL THE BAND YOU WILL BE TAKING OVER MY JOB. I'LL ASSIST YOU WITH ANY QUESTIONS YOU HAVE IN THE PROSES OF LEARNING THE SONGS. WE USUALY PLAY A SMALL AND EASY LIST OF SONGS. MOST OF OUR CONTRACTS ARE ABOUT AN HOUR LONG, BUT SOME TIMES 3 OR 4 HRS. SPANISH RECOMENDED AND BEEING FAMILIAR WITH MEXICAN TIPE OF MUSIC. IT'S ALSO RECOMENDED THAT YOU LIVE OR MOVE TO NEAR THE CENTRAL VALLEY CALIFORNIA. I RECOMEND AGES 18 TO 35. TOURS ALL THE TIME WITH FOOD, GAS, AND LODGE PROVIDED. BESIDES THE EXPENSES PROVIDED, TRAVEL, THE CHANCE OF BEEING ON TV AND RADIO, THE GREAT EXPERIENCE OF SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS LIKE A STAR, THE POTENTIAL OF MAKING SOME MONEY. IT'S A STARTING BAND AND YOU CAN MAKE FROM $600 TO $1500 A MONTH (AND THE POTENTIAL FOR MUCH MORE), BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY THE ONCE IN A LIFE TIME EXPERIENCE. PRIORITY TO THE BAND NEEDED ALL THE TIME.

DISCLOSURES:

WHEN YOU PAY WILL TELL YOU THE NAME OF THE BAND SO YOU CAN SEE THE BAND'S VIDEOS ON YOU TUBE AND GET FAMILIAR WITH THE SONGS. DISCRETION IS REQUIRED UNTIL YOU ARE READY TO TAKE POSITION BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW I'M LEAVING, THEY MIGHT HEAR THAT I'M LEAVING AND THEY MIGHT HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE FOR THE POSITION INSTEAD OF YOU.

YOU HAVE ONE WEEK AFTER YOU PLAYED THE FIRST TIME WITH THEM TO CHANGE YOUR MIND AND GET YOUR MONEY BACK. AFTER THAT, I CAN'T REFUND YOU. I'M NOT GARANTING HOW LONG YOU STAY IN THE BAND BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW YOUR MUSIC SKILLS, YOUR BEHAVIOUR, YOUR CARACTER ETC. THE MEMBERS OF THE BAND ARE EASY TO GET ALONG WITH, HUMBLE AND THE MUSIC IS EASY TO PLAY. NO MUSIC READING NEEDED. PAY AT YOUR OWN WILL AND RISK, I'M NOT RESPONSABLE FOR ANY PROBLEMS BETWEN YOU AND THE BAND MEMBERS. I'M NOT GARANTING HOW MUCH MONEY THEY WILL PAY YOU. IM LEAVING BECAUSE I HAVE A WIFE, AND THREE KIDS AND IT GOT TOO HARD FOR ME BEEING AWAY OFTEN. I HAVE HAD A GREAT TIME WITH THE BAND.
 
#603
bass_walloper said:
Seems like a solid investment.

[Invalid or Expired Link Removed]

BASS PLAYER POSITION - $20000

BASS PLAYER POSITION
CALL OR TEXT 805-395-0434

TRADUCCION EN ESPANOL DISPONIBLE SI LO PIDES.
ABOUT THE BAND

LOCATED IN CALIFORNIA. FORMED ABOUT 7 YEARS AGO AND IT HAS BEEN ON THE RED CARPET TWICE WHEN WE WERE NOMINATED TWICE IN A ROW TO "PREMIO LO NUESTRO" (TV AWARDS SIMILAR TO THE GRAMYS) TRANSMITED ON INTERNATIONAL TV IN 2011 AND 2012 WITH ONLY 3 ALBUMS RECORDED. IT DEFINATELY HAS MORE FUTURE. IT'S BEEN IN SEVERAL SPANISH LOCAL, NATIONAL, AND WELL KNOWN INTERNATIONAL TV SHOWS SEVERAL TIMES LIKE:

SABADO GIGANTE, EL GORDO Y LA FLACA, DESPIERTA AMERICA, DESCONTROL, NOCHE DE PERROS, TU DESAYUNO ALEGRE, ESTRELLA TV, LEVANTATE, LANZATE, NITIDO, AND OTHERS. IT HAS RADIO INTERVIEWS VERY OFTEN, TOURS TO SEVERAL STATES OF THE US ONLY AND PLANNING ON TOURING TO MEXICO IN THE FUTURE.CURRENTLY WORKING ON THEIR 4TH ALBUM. IT ALSO HAS A FEW PROFETIONAL MUSIC VIDEOS.


GREAT OPORTUNITY FOR A BASS PLAYER WHO WANTS TO GET SERIOUS IN THE MUSIC BUSINESS WITH THIS BAND.

I CURRENTLY HAVE THE POSITION AND I'LL LEAVE THE POSITION TO YOU FOR $20,000.00 OR BEST OFFER.

YOUR DREAM CAME TRUE. I'LL LEAVE MY POSITION TO YOU.

WHEN YOU BUY, I'LL SEND YOU THE SONGS WE USUALLY PLAY, FOR YOU TO LEARN. WHEN YOU ARE READY TO TAKE THE JOB, LET ME KNOW AND WILL TELL THE BAND YOU WILL BE TAKING OVER MY JOB. I'LL ASSIST YOU WITH ANY QUESTIONS YOU HAVE IN THE PROSES OF LEARNING THE SONGS. WE USUALY PLAY A SMALL AND EASY LIST OF SONGS. MOST OF OUR CONTRACTS ARE ABOUT AN HOUR LONG, BUT SOME TIMES 3 OR 4 HRS. SPANISH RECOMENDED AND BEEING FAMILIAR WITH MEXICAN TIPE OF MUSIC. IT'S ALSO RECOMENDED THAT YOU LIVE OR MOVE TO NEAR THE CENTRAL VALLEY CALIFORNIA. I RECOMEND AGES 18 TO 35. TOURS ALL THE TIME WITH FOOD, GAS, AND LODGE PROVIDED. BESIDES THE EXPENSES PROVIDED, TRAVEL, THE CHANCE OF BEEING ON TV AND RADIO, THE GREAT EXPERIENCE OF SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS LIKE A STAR, THE POTENTIAL OF MAKING SOME MONEY. IT'S A STARTING BAND AND YOU CAN MAKE FROM $600 TO $1500 A MONTH (AND THE POTENTIAL FOR MUCH MORE), BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY THE ONCE IN A LIFE TIME EXPERIENCE. PRIORITY TO THE BAND NEEDED ALL THE TIME.

DISCLOSURES:

WHEN YOU PAY WILL TELL YOU THE NAME OF THE BAND SO YOU CAN SEE THE BAND'S VIDEOS ON YOU TUBE AND GET FAMILIAR WITH THE SONGS. DISCRETION IS REQUIRED UNTIL YOU ARE READY TO TAKE POSITION BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW I'M LEAVING, THEY MIGHT HEAR THAT I'M LEAVING AND THEY MIGHT HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE FOR THE POSITION INSTEAD OF YOU.

YOU HAVE ONE WEEK AFTER YOU PLAYED THE FIRST TIME WITH THEM TO CHANGE YOUR MIND AND GET YOUR MONEY BACK. AFTER THAT, I CAN'T REFUND YOU. I'M NOT GARANTING HOW LONG YOU STAY IN THE BAND BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW YOUR MUSIC SKILLS, YOUR BEHAVIOUR, YOUR CARACTER ETC. THE MEMBERS OF THE BAND ARE EASY TO GET ALONG WITH, HUMBLE AND THE MUSIC IS EASY TO PLAY. NO MUSIC READING NEEDED. PAY AT YOUR OWN WILL AND RISK, I'M NOT RESPONSABLE FOR ANY PROBLEMS BETWEN YOU AND THE BAND MEMBERS. I'M NOT GARANTING HOW MUCH MONEY THEY WILL PAY YOU. IM LEAVING BECAUSE I HAVE A WIFE, AND THREE KIDS AND IT GOT TOO HARD FOR ME BEEING AWAY OFTEN. I HAVE HAD A GREAT TIME WITH THE BAND.
Click to expand...

Talk about "Pay to play"!! A fool would answer that ad.
 
#605
I don't have a specific ad to post right now, however I have noticed it getting worse on my local CL that a lot more people are trying to sell their gear for even way more then it is worth and sometimes more than even retailers are asking for new. This is nothing new and I can tell most of these people have no clue what exactly they have or don't research. I am seeing it on eBay more and more as well. And I thought the economy was in the take....or rebounding?
 
#606
"Okay, you paid me $20K for the bassist position, with no other information/proof except for my exquisitely capitalized CRAIGSLIST post, and now I'll finally tell you... the position is for a phenomenal spanish-language Nickelback/KoRn cover band! Enjoy!"
 
#607
My recent chuckle:

Date: 2012-09-10, 3:09PM CDT
Reply to this post [email protected] [Errors when replying to ads?]

who I am:
I am a 27 year old woman who just moved to Houston.
what I do:
I am an up and coming singer/songwriter who has toured nationally, been featured in music magazines, has opened for many prominent acts, has popular songs with thousands of views on youtube, and has gigs lined up in the future here, and booking europe soon.
what I want/need:
I want a band. I write songs, and at my gigs I play alone, just me and my acoustic guitar. I like it, it works for me, I don't have to split the pay, worry about people not showing up/deal with ********, etc.
however,
I think my songs and my career would benefit from having a band. A full country sound to give me that extra push. My goal is to be a famous musician, and I'm going to do it, one way or another. I'm almost there. My career is at a point where I'm ready to take off. I think if I had a band, it would really help, and also be awesome.
please respond if you are interested and you play:
guitar, bass, upright bass, drums, or pedal steel. and if you: are willing to travel, are willing to let me be the star, and you're not a dick.
If I find the right people, who are supportive, talented, and dedicated enough, there's no end to what we could do. also open to playing your songs in the band, if they don't suck.
hope there's some people out there!
Location: west houston
it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3263006849
 
#608
The Perfect Austin CL Ad - Bassist Needed!

Seeking bass player aged 21.75 and 25.333 years old, must be 420-friendly, not a hired gun, able to play pocket AND solo in the piccolo range in 32nd notes, have "the look", have "pro gear" (I'll be the judge of that), have hair, be available for "touring" here in Travis county, have no other commitments, including a day job, must have harmony and lead vocal abilities, be able to contribute as a songwriter, willing to split costs on the rehearsal space, have at least 5-strings on your bass - preferably 6!, be willing to tune to A=438.73, be willing to play for tips - we plan to play out as soon as we master the 250 songs I've already written and arranged... and must have a van with space for drums, pa, and cases.

Oh, forgot: no clues or self-respect will be helpful.
 
#609
BeJay said:
My recent chuckle:

Date: 2012-09-10, 3:09PM CDT
Reply to this post [email protected] [Errors when replying to ads?]

who I am:
I am a 27 year old woman who just moved to Houston.
what I do:
I am an up and coming singer/songwriter who has toured nationally, been featured in music magazines, has opened for many prominent acts, has popular songs with thousands of views on youtube, and has gigs lined up in the future here, and booking europe soon.
what I want/need:
I want a band. I write songs, and at my gigs I play alone, just me and my acoustic guitar. I like it, it works for me, I don't have to split the pay, worry about people not showing up/deal with ********, etc.
however,
I think my songs and my career would benefit from having a band. A full country sound to give me that extra push. My goal is to be a famous musician, and I'm going to do it, one way or another. I'm almost there. My career is at a point where I'm ready to take off. I think if I had a band, it would really help, and also be awesome.
please respond if you are interested and you play:
guitar, bass, upright bass, drums, or pedal steel. and if you: are willing to travel, are willing to let me be the star, and you're not a dick.
If I find the right people, who are supportive, talented, and dedicated enough, there's no end to what we could do. also open to playing your songs in the band, if they don't suck.
hope there's some people out there!
Location: west houston
it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3263006849
Click to expand...

I like this ad. What's wrong with it?

She knows exactly what she wants. I have no problem with letting someone be the 'star'.
 
#610
This one is not really dumb, just awesome.

Drummer For Goodtime F***around Music That'll Never Go Anywhere (Carrboro)
Date: 2012-09-11, 7:53PM EDT
Reply to: [email protected] [Errors when replying to ads?]

You already sell out? Got a f***in day job? In goddamn grad school? Yeah, me too man. S--- sucks. Let's round up some other folks and dick around a bit. Covers or stuff ya'll have written, don't matter. Maybe if it sounds alright we'll play your niece's sixth birthday or something.

REQUIREMENTS:
Somebody (probably the bassest) must have a girlfriend that makes them come home from practice early. Cause we're old now and she's afraid that you're never actually going to ask her to marry you, you lousy f***.

Somebody MUST have a f***awesome beard. Apparently all successful bands have them now, but I can't grow one to save my life, so that ****'s all on you.

Somebody else must have a smoking hot girlfriend (or boyfriend, I'm not here to judge people's lifestyles) who tries to f*** somebody else in the band and cause a metric s---ton of drama. THIS IS MANDATORY.

LOOKING FOR:
You could play goddamn kazoo for all I care. Hipsters'd probably eat that s--- up. Maybe we'll just get one of everything and call it Dr. Rainbowfart's Hippie Dropout Orchestra or something. I don't know, I'm just a drummer.

INFLUENCES:
Keith Moon's Drug Habit
Cass Elliot's Culinary Mishaps
Kurt Cobain's Love Life
Joe Morello

So yeah. If you've got s--- you should be doing, but would rather dick around with a bunch of instrument playin' ********, let's get some s--- together.
Click to expand...
 
#615
I've seen a few ads by guitarists who want to play rock or metal with "keyboards in the background" or "electronics in the background". Really, if you're looking for somebody with a set of skills that's much more rare and marketable than yours, telling them up front you want them "in the background" isn't too smart.
 
#616
4-string guitar!

[Invalid or Expired Link Removed]

"DEAN" 2 METALMAN 4 STRING ELECTRIC GUITAR!! - $250 (KENSINGTON)
Date: 2012-09-13, 5:19PM EDT
[email protected] [Errors when replying to ads?]
FOR SALE

DEAN 2 METALMAN 4 STRING ELECTRIC GUITAR
WITH CASE AND STRAP!!
ONE OF THE STRINGS IS MISSING BUT THIS GUITAR IS IN GREAT CONDITION AND IT COMES WITH A CASE AND SHOULDER STRAP!

$250.00 OR BEST OFFER!

[NAME]
[NUMBER]

[Invalid or Expired Link Removed]
 
#619
I wanted to check in with my old hometown and see if anything was going on musically over there... (Small town, small music scene). Although the posts aren't funny themselves. I found it humorous that people were calling out the OP. This would be just another regular post here in L.A., but in Az man you get but in your place.

"Pro Bass player needed asap for 2 all star bands with interchangeable members and lotsa gigs. One is a jump swing blues band and the other is a mix of Swamp Boogie, Blues. Country Rock, Southern Rock and R&B. Both include some of the top players in the area and all with long resumes and accomplishments. You must be all pro with the right gear, look and attitude but without the ego. You must not be a mercenary only player. You must be willing to rehearse, rehearse, rehearse and constantly learn new material as well as wanting to play primarily for the love of the music and the people you get to play with. You must be willing to make a long term commitment and not drop out the first time somebody offers you more money to play. If interested, reply to this email with contact info and resume. If you're only in it for the money don't waste your or our time. Stay Home. "

Re:

"You sound like my X Wife."

Re:

"Pfft!!! Another "SUPERSTAR"!! Yavapai County is full of third rate "musicians" who think they are God's gift. In a city like New Orleans or Chicago, you wouldn't even qualify as roadies! "
 
#620
Bert Slide said:
This one had me rolling. Ad in the local CL titled "Guitarist/Vocalist for hire(Lousville)".
I can do rhythm and lead, and I can kill vocal solos and backups. I just recorded a 30 minute guitar solo. Hit me up if you need someone like this.
Click to expand...

Reminds me of yesteryear and having to play the note "A" over and over for 20 mins while our guitarist
played every riff he knows forward, backwards, rinse and repeat to the Robin Trower song, "Too Rolling Stoned"
And this guitarist wants to wank for 30mins! I'd rather endure a Gilligan's Island marathon of the worst episodes than that.
 
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