Dumb Craig's List Ads pt.4: Dumber and Dumbest

[dtripoli]

I found it humorous that people were calling out the OP. This would be just another regular post here in L.A., but in Az man you get but in your place.

"Pro Bass player needed asap.....

Actually, for LA, it's pretty tame and normal. I'm sure we have become a little jaded here but aside from that, it's a valid, honest ad. I'd audition for it in a heartbeat

 

[TheFantod]

Wiccan Angelic Pop/Ska
Date: 2012-09-20, 10:47AM EDT

I play rhythm and try to sing! ( I do not sing)So looking to form the rest of the band. (I suck playing by myself) Need angelic voice that plays a instrument! (to cover my lack of talent)Looking for a prophet wears denim/new OK Go type of sound! I have a lot of simpleton songs written and have some pretty big dream & ambitions. I tell everyone I know people in the industry!!!!!!! (extra punctuation to let you know this is important) Looking to tour!!!! (extra punctuation for percieved excitment) This is not a little side project and not looking to just play around! (I have delutional goals) This is a serious project that has a lot of potential!!!! (even more extra punctuation to show desperation) So if you can't drop what you are doing to go on tour and have prior commitment's then this is probably not for you. (demanding blind commitment right away) {red flag} I do wan't to play some local gigs and get tight as a band and work on stage presence but the main goal is to get signed!!!! (because having a record deal is everything) Have friend's signed to tooth and nail rec. (a company you've never heard of with no major bands you've ever heard of) so I can get us heard by the people who matter!!!! (my sister's boyfriend's mother cuts the PR guy's hair) You must be a christian and love our god!!!!!!!!!!! (extra punctuation showing how much I'm on fire for the lord...and distain for anyone that has a different god) Hit me up if you are interested and this sound's good to you!!!! (I'm expecting a lot of emails)

[Invalid or Expired Link Removed]

 

[BBox Bass]

Calling all average bass players! This recently showed up on a classifieds site that serves my region:

Needed: ..Needed..Bass Player to jam with for fun and for likely gigs... St Marys area or fairly near by.. Doing older classic rock 60s+70s..Looking for Bassist 45 years old +..Influences include Moody Blues, Steppenwolf, Eric Burdon, Hendrix, CCR and others of that style and era...Some original tunes..I am a experienced Guitar/Singer....Average Bass Player is fine, as I feel that Musicians being able to work well together is more important then how talented one is...Contact me with phone Number or ask for mine...Thanks..

 

[Jim Nazium]

I actually feel sorry for this lady. She posts all the time in the DC CL. Usually she's looking for "Grammy winning producers" or "Major symphony conductors". She wants to sing with a "huge orchestra and choirs from around the world". This time she just wants a paying gig:

A talented gospel singer/songwriter Looking to perform at paying gigs (Washington, DC)
Hello, this is Ms. Karmen Alexis Sylvia and I am a talented gospel singer/songwriter. I am looking to perform at paying gigs(weddings, concerts, banquets, birthdays, and so much more) and I would like to earn more than $20,000+ to $900,000 per gig. Please give me a call at xxx-xxx-xxxx and I will be available. Thanks

 

[Auguste]

Hello, this is Ms. Karmen Alexis Sylvia and I am a talented gospel singer/songwriter. I am looking to perform at paying gigs(weddings, concerts, banquets, birthdays, and so much more) and I would like to earn more than $20,000+ to $900,000 per gig. Please give me a call at xxx-xxx-xxxx and I will be available. Thanks

For that pay I would wear a skirt and shave my legs. )))))

 

[dnosewor]

I actually feel sorry for this lady. She posts all the time in the DC CL. Usually she's looking for "Grammy winning producers" or "Major symphony conductors". She wants to sing with a "huge orchestra and choirs from around the world". This time she just wants a paying gig:

A talented gospel singer/songwriter Looking to perform at paying gigs (Washington, DC)
Hello, this is Ms. Karmen Alexis Sylvia and I am a talented gospel singer/songwriter. I am looking to perform at paying gigs(weddings, concerts, banquets, birthdays, and so much more) and I would like to earn more than $20,000+ to $900,000 per gig. Please give me a call at xxx-xxx-xxxx and I will be available. Thanks

Why did she set a cap at $900,000 I wonder?

 

[mndean]

Why did she set a cap at $900,000 I wonder?

Tax issues?

 

[My name is Mudd]

If she's THAT good, why does she need to fish for gigs on CL?

 

[My name is Mudd]

Anyone have any idea what he's looking for here?

- [Invalid or Expired Link Removed] -

wanted 22 in ch bass head used (bakersfield )

im wanting used heads 22 inch bass and 14 call or txt 661 xxx xxxx

Location: bakersfield
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3291940928

 

[Huge]

Anyone have any idea what he's looking for here?

- [Invalid or Expired Link Removed] -

wanted 22 in ch bass head used (bakersfield )

im wanting used heads 22 inch bass and 14 call or txt 661 xxx xxxx

Location: bakersfield
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3291940928

22" heads (skins) for his bass drum.

 

[My name is Mudd]

Ah...hadn't thought of that.

 

[LiquidMidnight]

A talented gospel singer/songwriter Looking to perform at paying gigs (Washington, DC)[/B]
Hello, this is Ms. Karmen Alexis Sylvia and I am a talented gospel singer/songwriter. I am looking to perform at paying gigs(weddings, concerts, banquets, birthdays, and so much more) and I would like to earn more than $20,000+ to $900,000 per gig. Please give me a call at xxx-xxx-xxxx and I will be available. Thanks

Please tell me that this is a joke! I went and looked her up, and apparently she's real:

BMX racers don't start doing jumps until they're comfortable enough riding without training wheels. For singers, before getting into fancy techniques like vibrato, it's probably a good idea to get a handle on the basics...like, oh I don't know...SINGING IN KEY!

 

[LiquidMidnight]

I like this ad. What's wrong with it?

She knows exactly what she wants. I have no problem with letting someone be the 'star'.

I think the stupidity of the ad is because it features two prominent red flags: A). she has delusions of grandeur (i.e., it's so easy to say that you're "up and coming," it's another thing to actually be up and coming), and B). she obviously has an ego the size of Cleveland.

It doesn't help matters that it's one of those long, rambling, grammatically suspect, "I'm gonna to expound upon my philosophy of life, love, and music" type of ads that are generally indicative of artsy-fartsy types who never get anywhere because they have absolutely no business sense. Bottom-line, the hired gun types she's looking for don't care about any of that. They want to know: A). can she pay me and not stab me in the back in the process? B). Is this gig going to be worth my time?

 

[LiquidMidnight]

I WORK OFF A MONTHLY PAY BASE. NOT EVERY SHOW I BOOK IS PAID. I WILL BOOK YOU SHOWCASES, HELP YOU HOST YOUR OWN VENUE, BOOK CHARITY EVENTS, MAGAZINE INTERVIEWS, SOMETIMES YOU MAY HAVE TO PAY TO PERFORM, RADIO EXPOSURE AND MUCH MORE.

So she works off of a flat base pay rather than commission/percentage and will book you for free shows, DIY venues, and pay-to-play gigs: all of which could be just as easily accomplished by giving a monkey a telephone and an address book?

What a career-booster! Please get me in contact with this star talent manager! And to think, I was wasting all of that money by forgetfully leaving it in the toliet bowl right before I flush after my morning whiz.

 

[matt descending]

Seems like a solid investment.

[Invalid or Expired Link Removed]

BASS PLAYER POSITION - $20000

BASS PLAYER POSITION
CALL OR TEXT 805-395-0434

TRADUCCION EN ESPANOL DISPONIBLE SI LO PIDES.
ABOUT THE BAND

LOCATED IN CALIFORNIA. FORMED ABOUT 7 YEARS AGO AND IT HAS BEEN ON THE RED CARPET TWICE WHEN WE WERE NOMINATED TWICE IN A ROW TO "PREMIO LO NUESTRO" (TV AWARDS SIMILAR TO THE GRAMYS) TRANSMITED ON INTERNATIONAL TV IN 2011 AND 2012 WITH ONLY 3 ALBUMS RECORDED. IT DEFINATELY HAS MORE FUTURE. IT'S BEEN IN SEVERAL SPANISH LOCAL, NATIONAL, AND WELL KNOWN INTERNATIONAL TV SHOWS SEVERAL TIMES LIKE:

SABADO GIGANTE, EL GORDO Y LA FLACA, DESPIERTA AMERICA, DESCONTROL, NOCHE DE PERROS, TU DESAYUNO ALEGRE, ESTRELLA TV, LEVANTATE, LANZATE, NITIDO, AND OTHERS. IT HAS RADIO INTERVIEWS VERY OFTEN, TOURS TO SEVERAL STATES OF THE US ONLY AND PLANNING ON TOURING TO MEXICO IN THE FUTURE.CURRENTLY WORKING ON THEIR 4TH ALBUM. IT ALSO HAS A FEW PROFETIONAL MUSIC VIDEOS.

GREAT OPORTUNITY FOR A BASS PLAYER WHO WANTS TO GET SERIOUS IN THE MUSIC BUSINESS WITH THIS BAND.

I CURRENTLY HAVE THE POSITION AND I'LL LEAVE THE POSITION TO YOU FOR $20,000.00 OR BEST OFFER.

YOUR DREAM CAME TRUE. I'LL LEAVE MY POSITION TO YOU.

WHEN YOU BUY, I'LL SEND YOU THE SONGS WE USUALLY PLAY, FOR YOU TO LEARN. WHEN YOU ARE READY TO TAKE THE JOB, LET ME KNOW AND WILL TELL THE BAND YOU WILL BE TAKING OVER MY JOB. I'LL ASSIST YOU WITH ANY QUESTIONS YOU HAVE IN THE PROSES OF LEARNING THE SONGS. WE USUALY PLAY A SMALL AND EASY LIST OF SONGS. MOST OF OUR CONTRACTS ARE ABOUT AN HOUR LONG, BUT SOME TIMES 3 OR 4 HRS. SPANISH RECOMENDED AND BEEING FAMILIAR WITH MEXICAN TIPE OF MUSIC. IT'S ALSO RECOMENDED THAT YOU LIVE OR MOVE TO NEAR THE CENTRAL VALLEY CALIFORNIA. I RECOMEND AGES 18 TO 35. TOURS ALL THE TIME WITH FOOD, GAS, AND LODGE PROVIDED. BESIDES THE EXPENSES PROVIDED, TRAVEL, THE CHANCE OF BEEING ON TV AND RADIO, THE GREAT EXPERIENCE OF SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS LIKE A STAR, THE POTENTIAL OF MAKING SOME MONEY. IT'S A STARTING BAND AND YOU CAN MAKE FROM $600 TO $1500 A MONTH (AND THE POTENTIAL FOR MUCH MORE), BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY THE ONCE IN A LIFE TIME EXPERIENCE. PRIORITY TO THE BAND NEEDED ALL THE TIME.

DISCLOSURES:

WHEN YOU PAY WILL TELL YOU THE NAME OF THE BAND SO YOU CAN SEE THE BAND'S VIDEOS ON YOU TUBE AND GET FAMILIAR WITH THE SONGS. DISCRETION IS REQUIRED UNTIL YOU ARE READY TO TAKE POSITION BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW I'M LEAVING, THEY MIGHT HEAR THAT I'M LEAVING AND THEY MIGHT HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE FOR THE POSITION INSTEAD OF YOU.

YOU HAVE ONE WEEK AFTER YOU PLAYED THE FIRST TIME WITH THEM TO CHANGE YOUR MIND AND GET YOUR MONEY BACK. AFTER THAT, I CAN'T REFUND YOU. I'M NOT GARANTING HOW LONG YOU STAY IN THE BAND BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW YOUR MUSIC SKILLS, YOUR BEHAVIOUR, YOUR CARACTER ETC. THE MEMBERS OF THE BAND ARE EASY TO GET ALONG WITH, HUMBLE AND THE MUSIC IS EASY TO PLAY. NO MUSIC READING NEEDED. PAY AT YOUR OWN WILL AND RISK, I'M NOT RESPONSABLE FOR ANY PROBLEMS BETWEN YOU AND THE BAND MEMBERS. I'M NOT GARANTING HOW MUCH MONEY THEY WILL PAY YOU. IM LEAVING BECAUSE I HAVE A WIFE, AND THREE KIDS AND IT GOT TOO HARD FOR ME BEEING AWAY OFTEN. I HAVE HAD A GREAT TIME WITH THE BAND.

I know these guys and am going to show this ad to their keyboardist. I'm a d!ck like that lol

 

[LiquidMidnight]

I know these guys and am going to show this ad to their keyboardist. I'm a d!ck like that lol

You mean that ad is actually real and isn't just some redressed Nigerian scam?!?!

 

[matt descending]

You mean that ad is actually real and isn't just some redressed Nigerian scam?!?!

The mex band is real. They get down, and make decent $ as most do. I'm tempted to out the guy and take the spot but I can't leave the country whilst I got this ankle charm lol.

 

[LiquidMidnight]

Damn then, I hope some poor sucker isn't dumb enough to pay $20,000 for someone's spot in a band and it's not even guaranteed that the rest of the band is going to keep that person on.

 

[ggvicviper]

Please tell me that this is a joke! I went and looked her up, and apparently she's real:

 

[TheMightyWoot1]

Got a few seconds in. That was stupid bad.