All at once, or seperate components? If it was all at once, he's a better man than me..."Iron Guts Kelly", huh?genghisshawn said:
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Farting during a show
- Thread starter jive1
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Stop.
I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
This is the funniest stuff I have ever read.
And it's so good to know I am not alone in the world with my flatulatory needs.
I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
This is the funniest stuff I have ever read.
And it's so good to know I am not alone in the world with my flatulatory needs.
teedub said:I actually call those types of farts "hyphenated".
This is one gigantic thread of comedy genius.
Some of you guys need to write for TV.
[still crying with laughter]
Not really band related, but two of my buddies and I are walking down the street after eating and having a few beers, we were teenagers, having a farting contest of sorts.
Gets to my one friend and he goes a little to far and craps himself. We didn't know until a moment later when he proceeds to rip his white t shirt off and stick it down his pant to whipe his ass. He never lived that one down.
Gets to my one friend and he goes a little to far and craps himself. We didn't know until a moment later when he proceeds to rip his white t shirt off and stick it down his pant to whipe his ass. He never lived that one down.
Bassic83 said:
Originally Posted by genghisshawn
Our lead singer is on a constant diet of Nyquil, OJ and Wendy's Chili. The gas he makes is hot and sticky.
Thant is So wrong in so many ways it's not even funny.
Arikash said:
same, but in our school most doors dont have knobs they have handles, yes there is a difference.
the local high school has one, and it's inside the girls locker room
I used to work in a really high-brow law firm as a runner/paralegal. The folks who worked there were really tight-a$$ed stuffed shirts with NO sense of humor.
One day, after a night of debauchery, I ripped off a super-foul stink bomb in the company elevator. It was so bad I nearly choked myself. It nearly made my eyes water. The doors opened up, and I gratefully walked out, and in walked the most stuck-up super-prim attorney in the firm. I caught a fleeting glimpse of the horrified look on her face as the doors closed, effectively sealing her in with my noxious emissions, for what had to be the longest elevator ride of her life.
The funniest part was the elevator was one of the slowest I've ever ridden in. No doubt she had to suffer for nearly a minute with my god-awful flatulence keeping her company.
I couldn't look her in the eyes for a week after that.
Fifteen years later I remember it like it was yesterday. I just wish I had a picture of the look on her face. Priceless!
One day, after a night of debauchery, I ripped off a super-foul stink bomb in the company elevator. It was so bad I nearly choked myself. It nearly made my eyes water. The doors opened up, and I gratefully walked out, and in walked the most stuck-up super-prim attorney in the firm. I caught a fleeting glimpse of the horrified look on her face as the doors closed, effectively sealing her in with my noxious emissions, for what had to be the longest elevator ride of her life.
The funniest part was the elevator was one of the slowest I've ever ridden in. No doubt she had to suffer for nearly a minute with my god-awful flatulence keeping her company.
I couldn't look her in the eyes for a week after that.
Fifteen years later I remember it like it was yesterday. I just wish I had a picture of the look on her face. Priceless!
The funniest part was the elevator was one of the slowest I've ever ridden in. No doubt she had to suffer for nearly a minute with my god-awful flatulence keeping her company.
Even better if someone else hitched a ride on that elevator afterwards with her thinking she was the one that made
that stink bomb...sweet indeed.
Cheers,
Doug
Even better if someone else hitched a ride on that elevator afterwards with her thinking she was the one that made
that stink bomb...sweet indeed.
Cheers,
Doug
Safety is used no longer
We switched to "I love Taco Bell"
Speaking of tacos, i'd eat tacos before our shows for the play cabaret and everytime i'd have to poo so it was bad holding it in...NEedless to say i farted once during dead silence
We switched to "I love Taco Bell"
Speaking of tacos, i'd eat tacos before our shows for the play cabaret and everytime i'd have to poo so it was bad holding it in...NEedless to say i farted once during dead silence
This weekend, I ate nothing but veggies- salad, olives, a little pasta, broccoli, garlic, beans...I'm usually a member of the Cult of the Dead Cow. My system needed a change, so all I ate all weekend was veggies, veggies, and more veggies. Needless to say, my gullet was strongly protesting this sudden change of comestibles, and started to rebel. My girlfriend was sitting next to me on the couch, one of the dogs, Princess, was on her lap, and Prince was on my lap. We recently changed their diet as well. As we sat there watching TV, Princess belched. Then Prince farted, rather loudly for a Sheltie, and Princess looked at him with this indignant look of hatred. She got down after getting a snootful of his emissions. So then my girlfriend takes the opportunity to go get another glass of wine, and upon her return, walks right into the doggie burp/fart mixture. Of course, she blames me! "I didn't do it," I protest, "the dog did it!" At which point Prince rips another one. We're both laughing at the dog, when all of a sudden, it's Daddy's (my) turn to rip one. Prince got one whiff, and JUMPED OVER the coffee table to get away from it, clearing it nicely before totally wiping out on our new linoleum tile floor! Princess started to bark at me, I called Prince, he came close, acted like he was going to jump up, then caught another whiff and aborted his jump and ran outside. My girlfriend was turning a real pretty shade of green at this point, she gets up and takes off for the back of the house. Princess is huddled in a corner looking for all the world like she was going to attack me...I had to leave too, forsaking my couch for the friendlier confines of the back patio!
A few hours later, in bed, I awoke to my girlfriend pummeling me with her fist. Apparently I blasted one that was so loud it woke her AND the dogs, who started barking- they sleep in the front of the house, our bedroom is in the back! I was face-down and out like a light, and had no idea...when I woke and tried to block the incoming rain of blows, I fluffed the covers...and this noxious, rancid gas came rushing out from under the covers, displacing all the oxygen in the vicinity of the bed! She got up in a huff and went into the middle bedroom, I called the dogs, who normally would think it a treat to be allowed in the bedroom. They got a few steps in the door, then Prince took off running in the opposite direction down the hall, Princess growled at me and then left! Couldn't blame the dogs that time! Had to open the windows and run a fan to clear the air!!!
A few hours later, in bed, I awoke to my girlfriend pummeling me with her fist. Apparently I blasted one that was so loud it woke her AND the dogs, who started barking- they sleep in the front of the house, our bedroom is in the back! I was face-down and out like a light, and had no idea...when I woke and tried to block the incoming rain of blows, I fluffed the covers...and this noxious, rancid gas came rushing out from under the covers, displacing all the oxygen in the vicinity of the bed! She got up in a huff and went into the middle bedroom, I called the dogs, who normally would think it a treat to be allowed in the bedroom. They got a few steps in the door, then Prince took off running in the opposite direction down the hall, Princess growled at me and then left! Couldn't blame the dogs that time! Had to open the windows and run a fan to clear the air!!!
My friend at work says that one of his dogs once cut a fart so foul that the dog sniffed his own butt, then left the room.
Bassic83 said:This weekend, I ate nothing but veggies- salad, olives, a little pasta, broccoli, garlic, beans...I'm usually a member of the Cult of the Dead Cow. My system needed a change, so all I ate all weekend was veggies, veggies, and more veggies. Needless to say, my gullet was strongly protesting this sudden change of comestibles, and started to rebel. My girlfriend was sitting next to me on the couch, one of the dogs, Princess, was on her lap, and Prince was on my lap. We recently changed their diet as well. As we sat there watching TV, Princess belched. Then Prince farted, rather loudly for a Sheltie, and Princess looked at him with this indignant look of hatred. She got down after getting a snootful of his emissions. So then my girlfriend takes the opportunity to go get another glass of wine, and upon her return, walks right into the doggie burp/fart mixture. Of course, she blames me! "I didn't do it," I protest, "the dog did it!" At which point Prince rips another one. We're both laughing at the dog, when all of a sudden, it's Daddy's (my) turn to rip one. Prince got one whiff, and JUMPED OVER the coffee table to get away from it, clearing it nicely before totally wiping out on our new linoleum tile floor! Princess started to bark at me, I called Prince, he came close, acted like he was going to jump up, then caught another whiff and aborted his jump and ran outside. My girlfriend was turning a real pretty shade of green at this point, she gets up and takes off for the back of the house. Princess is huddled in a corner looking for all the world like she was going to attack me...I had to leave too, forsaking my couch for the friendlier confines of the back patio!
A few hours later, in bed, I awoke to my girlfriend pummeling me with her fist. Apparently I blasted one that was so loud it woke her AND the dogs, who started barking- they sleep in the front of the house, our bedroom is in the back! I was face-down and out like a light, and had no idea...when I woke and tried to block the incoming rain of blows, I fluffed the covers...and this noxious, rancid gas came rushing out from under the covers, displacing all the oxygen in the vicinity of the bed! She got up in a huff and went into the middle bedroom, I called the dogs, who normally would think it a treat to be allowed in the bedroom. They got a few steps in the door, then Prince took off running in the opposite direction down the hall, Princess growled at me and then left! Couldn't blame the dogs that time! Had to open the windows and run a fan to clear the air!!!
Excellent writing! I especially liked the part about the dog clearing the coffee table.
I don't have anything nearly as funny as you guys, but here are a few blips:
1. In college, we prided ourselves on being able to clear the car. There would be 3 or 4 of us driving in someone's car, and the challenge was to rip one bad enough that we had to pull over and get out. Ideally, with no audible warning.
2. My peak flatulence came during a diet fad about 10 years ago, where I ate cabbage - and nothing but cabbage - for dinner, for about a year. I dropped 50 pounds and actually kept it off for a couple of years. [not anymore] But, during that time, while home, I was probably farting every 45 seconds.
3. In college, we made a Fart Tape. That's right - we set up one of those old portable Panasonic tape recorders in the dorm, and left it for the exclusive purpose of - the collection of farting greatest hits. We actually captured one on tape that talked - it said the word "Sauce" really slow.
4. A bunch of us were in the library *studying* together. I had to toot one, and the library was super quiet. So, my friends watched me as I attempted to let it out *gently*. Well, this action actually compressed the gas, and I ripped the loudest single Pop ever blasted in a library. Of course, with full library reverberation.
1. In college, we prided ourselves on being able to clear the car. There would be 3 or 4 of us driving in someone's car, and the challenge was to rip one bad enough that we had to pull over and get out. Ideally, with no audible warning.
2. My peak flatulence came during a diet fad about 10 years ago, where I ate cabbage - and nothing but cabbage - for dinner, for about a year. I dropped 50 pounds and actually kept it off for a couple of years. [not anymore] But, during that time, while home, I was probably farting every 45 seconds.
3. In college, we made a Fart Tape. That's right - we set up one of those old portable Panasonic tape recorders in the dorm, and left it for the exclusive purpose of - the collection of farting greatest hits. We actually captured one on tape that talked - it said the word "Sauce" really slow.
4. A bunch of us were in the library *studying* together. I had to toot one, and the library was super quiet. So, my friends watched me as I attempted to let it out *gently*. Well, this action actually compressed the gas, and I ripped the loudest single Pop ever blasted in a library. Of course, with full library reverberation.
Oh my. I think I busted a capillary.....SBassman4x said:
That's just TOO funny........
"single POP"
I need to catch my breath......
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