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Farting during a show

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#341
Ok, this is not a story about farting during a show, but it does involve abusing my guitarists senses, so it sort of fits. Anyway, here we go.

My guitarist, James, and I work at the same tire and brake shop and happen to enjoy farting a lot. We make a bit of a game of it, seeing who can fart in front of a customer and still keep a straight face (this is especially hard when the customer notices either the smell or the noise), or we will announce a fart over the intercom so that the whole store can hear it.

Well the one instance that I'm most proud of is when I blasted James in the face, unintentionally. I was brewing a really good, loud, smelly, deep from the bowels, fart when James just happened to walk up behind me. I was going to unload on him when he made my opportunity that much more hilarious. He dropped his gloves on the ground and bent over to pick them up. Just as his face was at my ass level, I farted on him. Not only was the look of amazed shock on his face worth it, he about died of disgust and everyone else around was on the floor laughing. None of the customers knew what was so funny, but the customers knew that James had been the brunt of the joke.

Oh, the simplest pleasures are usually the best.
 
#343
me and my friends are disgusting. we used to do it whenever we could in school, usually during french class. but the one which sticks in my mind is one i done last year. we were camping in a field in the middle of nowhere, and i'd been eating beans, pizzas and drinking coke all day, and purposely saving all the gas for the night. so i farted in my sleeping bag then unzipped it and flapped it around a bit. needless to say, i cleared the tent.
and also, Invalid Link Removed something thats good for a laugh.
 
#345
Our female singer always has to have a big industrial strength fan blowing on her (its a small but mighty fan and shes a large but mighty woman) It's usually on my side of the stage which is good for 2 reasons.......

1) I get some of the cool breeze

2) If I have to let one rip guess where it's going.......

My wife is pregnant right now and I suffer from somewhat of a sympathetic pregnancy so I get pregnant farts REALLY bad. For those of you lucky enough to have never experienced a pregnant fart let me explain......

They are FOUL!!!! Oh my god FOUL!!!! smells like death and old cheese FOUL!!!!!!They make my own eyes water!!!!!

Well at our last gig, I let one rip and it felt soooooo good. The kind of fart that almost hurts as it builds but then lets forth a gust of warm stinky release. I tried to keep a straight face as it wafted over her and I saw her take a really big breath of air for belting out a chorus of a Janis Joplin tune. Her lungs seemed to lock up!!!! I really dont think she even recognized it as a fart it was so foul........

As it drifted over the stage to our guitarist and keyboardist I heard a string of wrong notes as they tried to regain thier composure and recover from the nasal assault.

Nobody mentioned it at the next break and I sure wasnt going to bring it up, so I guess its just our little secret eh?

One of the odd benefits of having a pregnant wife I guess!!!!
 
#349
Man, I just don't get it. The moderators close the "Hilarious Album Cover" thread after less than a day, but the fart joke thread lives for months?

Ah, well. Never ponder the imponderable... or the life span of a bad fart joke...
 
#353
Hmmmm....in 30+ years of playing I have never really considered it...BUT, I have used the "expulsion" for the tried and true "Mic Check"!!!!!

Man can those things reverberate through an empty hall......:bassist:


A little "off topic" but relevant.....several years ago I was attending the wake of a Aunt who had passed away suddenly. Well, the television happened to be on and there was the Howard Stern show....trying not to act too terribly bored, I caught a segment where the "reporter" approached Sharon Stone and asked her - point blank - if she had ever "farted in her hand and smelled it"......I starting laughing (you know that laugh where, try as you might, you can't stop...just gets worse and worse)...pretty soon, everyone at the wake had started laughing uncontrollably - not knowing why....
 
#354
Bassic83 said:
We have two guys at work that share an office in the mechanical shop- it's a cinder-block office, about 6'W by 12' long, with no windows, and the door at one end. Their desks are set up so that Dale's is on the left as you walk in the door, and Roger's is on the right at the far end. Dale is a big guy, and Roger is a little guy...well, Roger was having some problems with his gall bladder, and didn't know it, he'd eat 5-6 lbs of crawfish and wash it down with a twelver of beer. He'd also eat a bunch of veggies (corn and taters) and hushpuppies. As anyone with gall bladder problems will tell you, fried foods tend to make the gall bladder "act up", if you will. He'd come in to work in the morning, get on his computer, and commence firing. He would emit some of the most acidic, noxious farts known to man! They were silent, as well...real "sliders", if you catch the drift. Sometimes he'd wait for his boss to come in the office and start chewing on him for some infraction...you'd hear the boss in there yelling at him, then a brief silence (2-3 seconds), then "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!!!" The door would fly open, and the boss would shoot out of there until he was at least six feet away, out in the shop, gagging, with tears streaming down his face. That would pretty much end the boss' tirade right there. Roger's face would appear in the window of the door, out of the vapors, he'd be laughing at his boss, who was pretty much incapacitated. Note to boss- email him next time, dumbass! That's what email is for! Quit micromanaging already!

Dale said he went through a whole can of Febreze Air Effects in just one day, after one of Roger's "episodes". He told him he was going to bill him for his air freshener supplies... I walked by their office one day and heard Dale scream "AHHHH! YOU NASTY LITTLE BASTAGE!" The door opened, and big ol' Dale actually CRAWLED out on his hands and knees! He was almost puking in the big trash can by the milling machine, hanging on to it like it was the porcelain bus, retching and dry-heaving. The next day, I walked by their office again, looked in the door window, and saw Dale sitting at his computer with a WWII-era full-face gas mask on! He looked up and waved. I could see he was grinning like a fool under it! Roger was back at his computer, looking like someone just shot his dog....

Man, I LOVE this thread!
Click to expand...

Oh my... wow.. he could kill someone... Imagine filing THAT worker's comp claim...:crying:
 
#355
This technique is what my friends and I called "the buttercup".

CCA

KeithPas said:
When I was in the Navy I would harass the shipmates in various and generally tasteless ways. My favorite was to catch a fart in the cupped hand and walk up behind a sitting shipmate and open the hand in the face. This would result in hilarious fits of choking, profanity and laughter. I used to joke that if I ever ate Borscht and pickled eggs I might be able to actually hurl the farts, almost super-hero like.
Click to expand...
 
#356
mb1 said:
Man, I just don't get it. The moderators close the "Hilarious Album Cover" thread after less than a day, but the fart joke thread lives for months?

Ah, well. Never ponder the imponderable... or the life span of a bad fart joke...
Click to expand...
its simply a spirit lifter, cuz im pretty sure in one way or another we've all experienced it or can relate to each other, through farts
XD
 
#358
Relate to each other through farts? Wow. Can you imagine being at the 1st Ever TalkBass Convention, and coming up to someone-

"Hey there buddy! My name is 'pbrrrft', and this is my wife 'brraaAPP' I go by the handle 'skreeeeaaaarrrrpbpbpb' on the boards..."

"Nice to finally meet you, I'm 'plaaarrrp', this is my girlfriend 'spluuuuurp', I go by 'SPARPpppffffttt'"

Man we'd end up looking like a bunch of dogs sniffing each other's butts! Or running away from each other at high speed...:D
 
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