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Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by jive1, Apr 11, 2005.
Get some fart spray haha
My drummer is a bodybuilder. He sits around eating cheese, protein pudding, tons of meat, lord knows what else, all day. He's out done me, which is really hard to imagine.
The other day we were leaving our jam pad and I stood at the door for a minute, letting a nice harsh smelling one filter out. The guitarist and drummer both fell into my booby trap. The drummer says- Mke, didnt you forget something? and points at the drum set. So I go back and there... and BOOM! Protein fart waiting for me by the drum kit.
I once again thought of this thread last Sunday again. I hope and worship is not becoming a habit! Pretty over the stomach bug I was fairly comfortable in nothing happening. Then gaseous gods commanded my bowels to rumble. Back up during offering the band was gearing into "Friend of God". Well some may some I am now friend of theirs. I had to wait for a drum fill so I could do some bible thumping of my own. I was nice enough to move to the back of the stage to leave my deposit. By now the drummer must be wondering about the stage odors.
Not music-related, but one of the oldest tricks in the book - I was riding the elevator solo when the urge hit. So I waited to just as it got to my floor to let one rip. I finished up before the doors opened and walked out like nothing happened. I felt sorry for the folks who were getting ready to board the elevator, though.
Once me and the old lady were taking a bath together and I really had to let one rip. She was leaning against me so I thought I would let it out nice and slow. BOOM! Out it came bubbles upon bubble rushing up her back. She'll never let me live it down.
One other time I came home at like 6am from a gig with only 2 hours sleep. The old lady was pissed off as all mighty hell and wanted me to take a shower with her. I just wanted to go to bed but she wouldn't shut up so I got undressed and headed for the shower. She got in first and headed to the back of the shower. As I got in i(n my hang over not enough sleep stuper) the hot water began pounding my back and I started to pee. I looked down to see that I was peeing on the old lady. I then looked up to see her looking down seeing me peeing on her. She was not happy at all.
PS: Why do shower farts smell the worst?
speaking of old ladies and farts i slept over at my gf's the other night after practice i felt the dodgy chicken burger i'd eaten at practice rumbling round and soon enough it was in the escape hatch waiting for blast off
i let it out on its own accord which resulted in a stealthy "pppppfffffttttttttt" rather than the usual anus shredding decibel monster i'm used to producing
then i did the only thing any self respecting loving boyfriend would do.... i stuffed her head under the covers keeping my elbows on the top of the covers to prevent her escape then nipped her arse so she screamed and breathed in
i think this practice is known as a "dutch oven"
Fixed it for you!
I think everyone loves a good "Rumble in the Bronx".
My guitarist (in two different bands, even) has a rep for being able to fart on command. It's not true -- he just farts all the time anyway. And they're pretty much always SBD's.
The other night at a gig, he was really on fire, just spraying like an upright skunk. When people would react (because we all knew it was him) he would simply say, "You can't seem to forget me; my Windsong stays on your mind."
Our younger members might not remember those commercials... but I thought it was pure genius.
Windsong!!! That's genius!
I gotta sub gig coming up with my old band, and I'm working on a new recipe to get the gui**** player during his big solo. Also, I have a harp player in the band that I want to stink out. Playing harp requires quite alot of inhalation, so it makes for a prime target.
Been eating Activia yogurt to start the gastric tract out right, and now I think I'm just gonna go with an old time tested propellant - beans. Maybe eat something spicy to add some color to it.
I've found that a couple tubes of Frito-Lay brand Ranch flavor sunflower seeds gives off prodigious volume and stench...at least for me. Taco Bell has reformulated their beans so they aren't as fast-acting, nor as noxious as they used to be, so I can no longer recommend them. Boiled or steamed cabbage is a perennial favorite, however. Be sure to let us know how everything comes out, Jive...
I love walking through the crowd and strategically placeing one in the middle of a group of people, Scene kids are my favorite target.
We have a bathroom right next to our drummers set and while the rest of the band is safe, you rip up that bathroom, poor guy has to sit through it. and you usually get stick thrown at you.
Garlic, seriously heavy garlic like in Hummus transmutes well into fart-scent.
boiled eggs .....hands down ...
warm and silent....
The ever dreaded "brown note"...
"Who played the Brown note???"
I tried to go simple with some chili and beans last gig, and it sill didn't work. Plenty of gas, but no stench. I think I'm losing it.
I need a change in diet or something.
Dude, you GOTTA try the sunflower seeds I mentioned above, and some cabbage. Eggs may/may not help, it's up to your gullet to decide on that one.
I'm finding that a good balance between meat and carbs, with some decent roughage (like seeds), maybe some garlic, and I can make myself have to leave the room!
The other night, I was sitting on the couch after eating pizza. I had eaten salad for lunch, and seeds through the day. I felt one approaching the launchpad. I ever so slyly "repositioned" myself so that I was reclining more than usual, with my feet on the coffee table...about 75% of my lower gluteus maximus was off the edge of the cushion, hanging free, while the 25% that was on the couch cushion was supporting the weight and pressing my cheeks downward. I knew it was going to be big. Really big! My wife was sitting in the recliner, all stretched out, with Princess, our small Sheltie, napping curled up between her knees on the extended footrest. The pressure was building, and I knew that my current configuration should have a good amount of volume, given the amount of XMax I was dealing with. So, without warning, I gave it a good hard push.
The sonic impact was somewhat akin to dropping the "S" volume of the World Book Encyclopedia flat on the linoleum floor by the checkout in a quiet library. Or perhaps an M-80 going off in the bathroom of the highschool. Not that I'd know either of those sounds, of course....but it was a short, extremely loud explosion with almost no "flap" to it, none of the classic "Ripper" tones, just a huge BAM!
The dog, who had been peacefully asleep, probably dreaming about chasing bunnies or squirrels, was jolted awake by a sudden gunshot, and yelped accordingly. My wife bore the brunt of that one, with Princess using my wife's legs as leverage as she scrambled to avoid the imaginary buckshot. She took it pretty well, though.
Yesterday a box of charcoal caps showed up on my nightstand.
I did that today in my History building- unfortunately it was a professor who got in as I was getting out!
I've been lurking here for a long while, but I finally had to register just to express my awe of this thread. Simply the funniest thing I've read. Ever.
I have a very active gastric system myself, and after 30 years of playing bass I see it both as a joy and a duty to share my rectal gaseous waste with my fellow band members.
I have to recapitulate my first truly enlightening flatulence moment:
It was in 5th grade, in the showerroom after gym class. While chatting with my pals I slipped out a silent and discrete one, I thought - but it turned out to be my first serious SBD. It took a sneaky 10ish seconds to detonate, then the whole showerroom crowd was in full panic and running for the exit. The kicker is that one poor classmate actually vomited in a drinking water fountain. I got a bit scared as I didn't expect such a violent result, but when I understood what had happened I shook with laughter.
That was when I first understood the Power of Flatulence. I took a serious beating afterwards, but it was worth it, I am still proud of that episode. Since then I haven't managed to get actual vomiting results, only serious gagging in confined spaces - I have a rather neat episode from a ski resort gig, involving a thightly packed cabin lift, serious hangover and deepfried bacon snacks for breakfast, but I save that one for a while.
Nowadays my stomach is more sensitive and I have much better control of how to produce serious nasal cavity killers. For me it's pretty simple: 2 large bowls of All-bran-flakes with doublefat milk, and top it off with a large plate of really crispyfried bacon. 3-4 hours later I got at least an hours worth of good quality sound and smell. To increase the odour component even more I can chew down a few really hardboiled eggs with the bacon, but then I run the risk of painting a brown masterpiece...
Awesome first post. Welcome to TB!
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