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Found out front guy is a registered sex offender.......need advice
- Thread starter g4string
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I also have a story of a guy who is a RSO and to my eyes it was very unfair what happened.
That said, the guy doesn't owe you an explanation and I don't think it intereferes in any way with your band so I would keep playing. If you reach the point that you think you should talk about it, do bring it up but be tactful since you do not know the details.
That said, the guy doesn't owe you an explanation and I don't think it intereferes in any way with your band so I would keep playing. If you reach the point that you think you should talk about it, do bring it up but be tactful since you do not know the details.
- Oct 18, 2012
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I wouldn't want to be associated with someone like that so I would either leave the band or replace him.
I vote with those that would say not to quit over this. A lot of the reasons have already been stated - the conviction is from a long time ago, he's completed his sentence, and most importantly you don't know the exact nature of his crime. That he got probation and not jail time implies to me that the court didn't consider him dangerous, so we're probably talking about a guy who had some images of teenagers, not someone who was stalking kids with a white van and "free candy."
My dad was a lawyer and did a lot of work with churches, including some who had issues with child predators. He had one comment about the system that's stuck with me. The way we stigmatize and socially isolate offenders with the RSO system for life is probably itself leading to a lot more offenses. When people refuse to interact with a person who has that black spot, they become more isolated, and that denies them the kinds of support network and positive activities that would help them to resist their darker urges. Left alone by themselves in a dark room, they go back to their old ways. From that perspective, especially remembering that there's no evidence that he's actually dangerous to the OP or the OP's kids, I think quitting on him or kicking him out of the band over this is the WORST thing the OP could do.
I still wouldn't go inviting him over to your house or asking him to babysit your kids, same as I wouldn't give a beer to an alcoholic. Be alert. But play in the band and keep your cool.
My dad was a lawyer and did a lot of work with churches, including some who had issues with child predators. He had one comment about the system that's stuck with me. The way we stigmatize and socially isolate offenders with the RSO system for life is probably itself leading to a lot more offenses. When people refuse to interact with a person who has that black spot, they become more isolated, and that denies them the kinds of support network and positive activities that would help them to resist their darker urges. Left alone by themselves in a dark room, they go back to their old ways. From that perspective, especially remembering that there's no evidence that he's actually dangerous to the OP or the OP's kids, I think quitting on him or kicking him out of the band over this is the WORST thing the OP could do.
I still wouldn't go inviting him over to your house or asking him to babysit your kids, same as I wouldn't give a beer to an alcoholic. Be alert. But play in the band and keep your cool.
I know exactly how it works, and nothing you've said is true. Here's how it works: Every State's laws are different. Every jurisdiction's enforcement is different, and what one DA or judge would throw out as specious, another will vigorously prosecute. This is an area where prosecutorial discretion is extremely emotional and volatile. How do I know this? My mother was an ADA, step-dad was a criminal defense lawyer, dad was a senior probation officer, and wife the lead legal secretary for the district attorney. All this over about 10 different counties in 2 different states. I don't know where you've gotten your information, but it fails to conform to the facts.
No one here has defended this guy, but while you have leaped to vicious conclusions with meager information about a charge for which a judge felt he should be given probation - and left out in the public, others have suggested the OP see what the real facts are. For suggesting that the situation might be as complex as real life, we all get vilified as well.
As far as disgust, that's fair: it describes my reaction to all your posts on the subject - most particularly the one quoted above. Knowing my two daughters, I'm pretty sure their reaction would be the same.
OP here.....guys, thanks for all of your advice. I sincerely appreciate your opinions on how to approach this subject. The way I see it, my options are;
1) let sleeping dogs lay
2) bring it up
3) quit
As previously discussed, each option has it's caveats. As I stated in my OP, I am not god. I am not here to judge him. As for my right to invade his privacy and my need to know.....yes it is personal, but this I something that has serious potential to affect our band. So I think a need to know what happened is justified. I still have some soul searching to do on which path I should take. I'm leaning towards leaving it alone, or just leaving all together. However, on ye flip side.....I feel like I shouldn't leave until I give him a chance to explain what happened.
I might try to do some PI work and locate the court dockate/abstract for further detail. Anybody know how to do so?
Also, please keep this civil. Let those with out sin cast the first stone.....catch my drift?
1) let sleeping dogs lay
2) bring it up
3) quit
As previously discussed, each option has it's caveats. As I stated in my OP, I am not god. I am not here to judge him. As for my right to invade his privacy and my need to know.....yes it is personal, but this I something that has serious potential to affect our band. So I think a need to know what happened is justified. I still have some soul searching to do on which path I should take. I'm leaning towards leaving it alone, or just leaving all together. However, on ye flip side.....I feel like I shouldn't leave until I give him a chance to explain what happened.
I might try to do some PI work and locate the court dockate/abstract for further detail. Anybody know how to do so?
Also, please keep this civil. Let those with out sin cast the first stone.....catch my drift?
without wanting to get too involved,it is interesting to note that we are all only an errant mouse click from that mark of cain.... redoing my step daughters room, stripping base boards i ran across a postcard from ww1.....but that could just as easily have been something else.....
In my experience....and I actually know several victims, it is devastating crime. A person who has an attraction for children will always have those feelings and is much more likely to reoffend. The punishment actually does not correlate with the severity of the offense....if you don't believe me, just ask an adult who was a victim. Victims often have psychological issues for years, often become alcoholics/drug addicts, and have other issues even if they have had therapy. That being said, there certainly is a difference between a 19 year old that dates a 16 year old and they should not be in the same category as a pedophile.
As I said to the OP, no way that I'd stick around. Not unless I knew for certain hat it was a 19 year old/ 16 year old thing.
Thats very true! The internet had created criminals out of people who prob never had the intent to be a criminal. I'm 100% certain any casual porn surfer has inadvertently and unknowingly viewed an image of an underage "actress". Heck, traci lords admitted to doing a good number of her films underage.
- Sep 5, 2011
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when did people stopped talking WITH each other and started talking OVER each other?
It would have been my very first step to talk to HIM instead of asking the internet...
That doesn't mean I wouldn't understand your reasons. From my knowledge this topic is much more sensitive in the US as it is over here and people are branded publicly for life. I do not want to discuss the pro and con of that here since that is pretty much useless...
But it would be my way to talk to him and decide whether I could stand next to that guy or not. In my opinion, every person deserves a second chance. Only thing is, you shouldn't have disadvantages from giving him that second chance
It would have been my very first step to talk to HIM instead of asking the internet...
That doesn't mean I wouldn't understand your reasons. From my knowledge this topic is much more sensitive in the US as it is over here and people are branded publicly for life. I do not want to discuss the pro and con of that here since that is pretty much useless...
But it would be my way to talk to him and decide whether I could stand next to that guy or not. In my opinion, every person deserves a second chance. Only thing is, you shouldn't have disadvantages from giving him that second chance
There are people here saying to the OP that he shouldn't rush to judgment and so on, and perhaps from a personal/friendship standpoint that is reasonable advice, but from a band standpoint, if you want to get out and gig this is going to stop you dead in your tracks. This may or may not be fair, but that's what I see happening. Maybe he was young, broke, and a public defender got him to take a bad plea deal, maybe not. Again, I'd reiterate that some predators are also master sociopaths/narcissists who will play you.
The only one I would not do is option 1. If you think the band has a future I would just talk with him, I think you are within your rights to do so just because you are going to spending a lot of time and money with him and this could have an impact in the future of the band.
I think you can find those documents with good ol google unless there is a specific request from someone involved of not to make them public. But even for this I would go directly with the source, your front man.
If you want to quit I guess that is fine too but I would not do it before talking with him.
As I said, I would talk with him about it, if you are not happy with what you find then quit, at least you tried to make it happen. If it turns out it was just something like a 19 -17 boyfriend / girlfriend relationship that the parents didn't approve and they put him in this situation but In the end he married the girl and have children lived happily ever after, etc ... and you decide to continue with the project I would put this information out there in your band FB page and website and I would even make a song about it, be upfront with it. Just my opinion of course.
That's why I wonder if talking with him about will yeild anything productive. Let's assume the worse and suppose the stuff he was caught with was real kiddie porn. Like depictions of pedophiliac acts, or children engaged in sexual acts together. Either way, let's assume the worst. If we were to talk about it, he would than likely not be upfront about what really went down. Just like everybody in prison is innocent. However, if the charges were the type of misunderstanding type of charges one would hope they'd be, I'm sure he'd come clean. The problem with a one to one conversation is seperating fact from fiction.
Yeah this the problem, if it was a misunderstanding he'll say it was a misunderstanding, if it was something much worse, he'll say... Wait for it... It was a misunderstanding.
Quote: "I have a friend thats a registered sex offender and he has been a drummer in my bands. We were drinking. A girl told him she was 18 I saw it. They made out, me and some buddies left they went to her place, so forth etc. Well turned out she was 16 he was 20 or so at the time, someone that knew her real aged anonymously called the police."
Sadly, the difference between this guy and the rest of the heterosexual males in the world is that he got caught. When I was younger I can't remember how many chicks I hooked up with that claimed to be 18 or 19 and looked 25. Some actually were 18 and others were not.
Sadly, the difference between this guy and the rest of the heterosexual males in the world is that he got caught. When I was younger I can't remember how many chicks I hooked up with that claimed to be 18 or 19 and looked 25. Some actually were 18 and others were not.
Look him up through the State of Texas Sex Offender Registry, they have pics of the offenders so that you can be absolutely sure that it's him. Some independent websites only cross reference names, not names and DOB.
I seem to recall a case here a while ago where a chap got off on statutory because of the simple fact that he picked up the underage lady in question in a bar.
Because contact was made within a licensed 18+ club it was deemed reasonable for him to expect that she was of legal age.
I'd have to walk whether I wanted to or not. Being a school teacher and massage therapist means this could be a potentially career-ending proposition for me. I'd walk either way. I would not want to even be associated with someone of that ilk.
This is another important consideration, guilt by association is unfair, but it happens, and NFA isn't wrong to point out that it might not end at OP's rep in the local music scene.
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