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Jokes

#61
Three couples walk into a conservative church. There is an older couple, a middle-aged couple, and a pair of newly-weds. The preist, who is this old, wrinkled little guy with glasses, tells them the many virtues of their church, then tells them that to join, they must abstain form all worldly pleasures for three weeks. The three couples leave.

Three weeks later they come back. The preist goes up to the older couple,
"Have you abstained from all worldly pleasures?" he asks.
"Well, yes. We are about 70, after all."
"Then you may enter our sanctuary with our blessings. Welcome to our chruch."
The couple walks in, very much happy.

The preist approaches the middle-aged couple,
"Have you abstained from all worldly pleasures?" he asks.
"Well, yes. It was kind of hard, though. I had to sleep on the couch for the past three days, but we did it."
"Then you may enter our sanctuary with our blessings. Welcome to our chruch."
The middle aged couple kiss each other, then enter the sanctuary.

The preist finnaly reaches the newly weds,
"So, how did my young friends hold out?"
"Father, we tried. We really tried. But last Thursday, my wife was reaching for a can of pop, and just the way she was standing, and the way that the light fell on her, I couldn't stand it. I took her right there."
"Well, son, I am afraid that you are no longer welcome here."


"Yea, we aren't welcome at Seven Eleven any more, either."

Rock on
Eric
 
#64
For those of you that don't fear hell ... here's a story for you.

The devil was showing some new inmates around hell one day.
He pointed out that regardless of what they had heard ... they had options in HIS domain. So get ready to pick your individualized eternity.

The first room he showed them was full of fire and brimstone, screaming and gnashing of teeth.

Second room, huge numbers of hideous demons with white hot pokers, burning and tormenting souls continuously.

Third room, around the corner, they could hear general conversation going on. The devil escorts everybody into the third room, the place is packed full of people ... up to their ARMPITS in horsesheit ... drinking coffee and talking politics.

Devil said to the newbies, times up, which room do you choose? Everyone said under the circumstances the 3rd. room would have to do.

Very well, lets go back to the desk and sign you all up. As the devil walked out of the third room, he yells over his shoulder ... alright, breaks over ... back on your knees.
 
#74
Upon returning from a break, the keyboard player notices the bass player frantically chasing a child around the
room. As the bass player stops to catch his breath, the keyboard players asks what's going on.

"That kid was on the bandstand messing with my bass and turned one of the tuners".

"Yeah, that would bother me, too, but why are you still chasing him?"

"He won't tell me which one".
 
#75
Four friends die and go to hell (they wern't very nice.) They watch as the endless line of people are picked up by Satan, questioned, and thrown into the lake of fire. But one thing they notice is that occasionaly, he puts one to the side for a while, then eventualy throws him in. When it is finally there turn, the bravest of the guys says,

"All right, why is it that you will take the odd person and keep him out for a while? This has been buggin us for months!"

"Well," the devil replied, "These guys are from Oregon. They are too wet to burn. You got to leave them aside for a while to dry them out."

:D

Rock on
Eric
 
#76
A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far
later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it
to my lesson; I had a gig!"
 
#77
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" - "No," she replies, "I'm married to God.">She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!">"Yeah?”, says the hippie. "Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God." The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and>throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha”, he cries. "I am the hippie!"> "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver">>>>


 
#79
What's the difference between a trombone player and a large pizza?
*
The pizza can feed a family of four.



What do you call a drummer in a suit?
*
The defendant.



Drummer and a drunk walk into a bar. The drunk is broke too.



What's the range of a 6-string bass?
*
About thirty yards, depending on how strong you are.



 
#80
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf, " says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!

About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a crap!"

 

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