Jokes

[DaveTomasi]

A young Irish man goes into a confessional box in a Church in Dublin and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose and immoral woman."

The priest said "Is that you, Thomas O'Rourke?"

"Yes," replies the young man, "it is I, Father."

"Tell me, Thomas, who was the loose & immoral woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, Father, because I do not want to do further damage to her reputation."

The priest asked, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No, Father, it was not."

The priest said, "Hmmm, let me see, was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"

"No, Father, it was not, and please don't ask me to tell you her name again."

"Oh, come on, Thomas, you can tell me. Was it Margaret Shanahan?"

"Well, it might have been, but no, Father, it was not! Please, father, I cannot tell you her name. I won't do anything to hurt her, not even before God. And if you ask me again I will have to leave immediately!"

The priest finally says, "Okay, Thomas, I admire and respect your perseverance. You are a true gentleman. I won't ask again but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be 4 Our Fathers and 5 Hail Mary's. Now go back to your seat."

Thomas walks back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides over and whispers, "Well, what happened?"

Thomas replies "I got 4 Our Fathers, 5 Hail Marys and 3 Good Leads."

 

[DaveTomasi]

For those who didn't have time to watch the presidential debate, we've prepared this transcript of what was said.

Jim Lehrer:
Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters.

The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.

Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore:
As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly kissed the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1% of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1% in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.
Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer:
Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush:
Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer:
Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?

Bush:
The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer:
Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore:
Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly kissed Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic.
If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.

Lehrer:
Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?

Gore:
It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have
proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250.
In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.

Lehrer:
Gov. Bush?

Bush:
That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

Lehrer:
It's time for closing statements. Mr. Gore, you can start.

Gore:
I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

Bush:
It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.

Lehrer:
Good night.

 

[DaveTomasi]

There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says "Dear
Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part". Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another
nasty letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your
bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple!"

 

[Chris Rhoades]

What does a bass player uses for birth control?.... his personality.

What does a drummer say when he steps up to the mic?....... you want fries with that?

So i played banjo for a while.. true story, i went into get some smokes and some beer and i realized that i had left my dorrs unlocked and the banjo in the front seat! i said oh ****! and ran baCK out side and sure enough....... there was 3 more banjos sitting in my front seat...

 

[Secondhandloser]

How many Emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to change the bulb, and one to write about how the shattered pieces of the bulb represent his shattered life. But it doesn't matter, they'd all rather sit in the dark and cry anyway....

 

[bmc]

Q: What's Irish and lives outside?

A: Patio Furniture (Patty O'Furniture)

 

[otomak]

A man goes to see his pediatrician to consult a problem:

Man: "I've got a pretty serious problem, but you have to promiss not to laugh."

Doc: "Look, I've been doing this for over 30 years and there is nothing that will make me crack."

The man nods and proceeds to take his pants off. And lo and behold, the man has a penis about 1 inch long. The doctor was taken totally off guard (at the sight of a 1 inch penis) and tries very hard not to laugh, but can't contain it and starts rolling on the floor with hysteria, tears flowing out. After about a good minute of laughter, the doctor is able to compose himself and apologizes to his patient:

Doc: "I'm so sorry, this has never happened before. So, what is your problem?"

Man: "It's swolen."

 

[Phil Mastro]

Three women are waiting to get a job interview. There's a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. The first to go into the interview room is the brunette. She breezes through all the questions, her resumé is top notch, and she's very sociable. Finally, the interviewer asks her his last question:
-How many 'T's in Indiana Jones?
-There are none, answers the brunette.
So the second to come in for the interview is the redhead. She does pretty well with all the questions, and her resumé's pretty decent as well. Again, the interviewer asks her his trick question:
-How many 'T's in Indiana Jones?
-'T's? Uh.. there are no 'T's in Indiana Jones.
Last to come in is the blond. She's as dumb as a doorknob, and her resumé is crap. The interviewer is in a complete state of dispair for this women. Just for good measure he asks her:
-How many 'T's in Indiana Jones?
-Hmm...
And the blond starts counting on her fingers, 1, 2, 3...
The interviewer's completely flabergasted by this, and just when he's about to blow the blond says "46!"
-What the hell are you talking about? says the interviewer. There are no 'T's in Indiana Jones!
-Of course there are, as she starts singing the theme song, Ta-tatataaaa, ta-tataaaaa, ta-tatataaaaaa, ta-tataaa-taaa-taaaa...