Married gear addicts: How do you do it?

[JSK5String]

I have it shipped to work Walk it right past her.

This line also works....it was on back-order

You clearly have an open, honest relationship with your wife.

I agree with many on here. Tell her what I want to buy, save my gig money for it, and then give her half to get herself something she wants at the same time. Takes longer to save that way, but it's WELL worth it.

Happy wife = happy life. Last time I checked anyway, and I've been married for 20 years now...

 

[vivifiction]

Not married, so I can't help you out much there, and the only married musicians I know well all support their family through music, so new gear's no different than a new suit for the businessman- something you've gotta have for the job.
So best of luck in your case, mate.

 

[Jon Moody]

Any gear purchases are funded through either gigs or selling old equipment. My wife knows that this is a big part of my income, so as long as the gig money funnels back into the music job, we're all good.

Tossing her a "Thank you for your continued support" ring and necklace here and there doesn't hurt either.

 

[tbrannon]

It's a tough plan, but I'm glad my wife forced me to do it. We probably paid off over $60,000 in debt in about 1 1/2 years. It was hard, didn't buy anything new, ate at home ALOT, you know the deal. It has been worth the effort to have the "man" off my back though. I think owing people money would keep me awake at night. We just sold our house for an upcoming move so now I can say that I am completely out of debt. It's all renting from here till I retire in 11 years.
At 26 years old I look back at some of the boneheaded financial mistakes my wife and I have made in our 8 years of being married. I have sworn to myself that I'll never make them again.

Cheers.

almost the exact same number for us and we used the same plan. I won't be doing any renting, but I'm quite content with a mortgage payment as my only 'debt'- especially when we are saving/investing almost 20% of my net monthly income. Plus, the wife is finishing nursing school in about 6 months and she'll be making good money at that point.

I guess to keep this on topic with the thread- how I handle gear purchases is I always take care of the needs of my wife and kids first. If I have a gear 'need' (I don't have any serious NEEDS, as I'm not a working musician), I simply discuss it with my wife, we figure out how much it will cost and then design a way to save the funds. She's happy because she's kept in the loop. In short, I've found that taking a selfless approach the majority of the time sure helps to develop the goodwill and good vibes- then when I do want something, my wife actually encourages me to do it.

 

[BassDudeSA]

I am happily married and have been for 12 years. I have a great relationship with my wife but I don't ask for her approval to buy anything, to me that would be ridiculous. Of course my first priority is to pay my bills and handle the reasonable amount of debt that I/we have, but after that I do what I want to do, no approval or discussion needed, I just buy what I want.

During our marriage my wife has worked and has not, most of the time she has worked. When she has worked she has her obligations as well, and what she does with her money after that is her business, she doesn't need to ask or tell me anything.

I know every marriage is different, but we established our way at the beginning. I could never be in a marriage where I lost my individuality and could not do exactly what I wanted with my money. But keep in mind that I have my wife's respect. She knows I take care of the bills, debt and retirement planning and she knows she has nothing to worry about, but regarding the bass gear that I buy, and yes I am addicted like many others here (25 basses and five amps approx.) I don't even discusss it with my wife, I assert my individuality and do as I please. Not for every marriage, but the only kind of marriage for me.

 

[vilkai]

to OP:

I would have to ask my wife. It's through my bank.....can't remember the certain fund. Of course that's the average over the past three years. It fluctuates, but continues to make nice gains.

Okay, hold on to your hat then... that is a very high return.

If I was making 12% I'd certainly know the details.

Given it's whole percentage points above SP500 index gains averaged over a 100 years, yes, it's high return. I-list portfolio maybe? Be sure to take the time to figure out what's going on and why. I'd personally only put money I knew I'd never, ever, need on a certain date but was free to liquidate at an opportune moment into an I-list portfolio. SP500... maybe...


More generally:

My wife just gave up on me and said, "I don't care, and I don't want to know" YES!!! Home Run. I just don't make a stink if she wants to buy something. She is a DVD addict and I am a Bass Nut. A pair made in HE Double Hockey sticks!!

Happened to me at some point as well She said 'as long as you don't spend too much on trying out different stuff, I don't care.' Also helps that I can import stuff from the UK and make a 40% profit.

To Beggar98: A "stay at home wife and mother" is worth over $200K per year......So this "if she had a job" and "zero contribution" quote is extremely insulting....

Nonsense. I don't know many people who'd go to their paid work if they could get someone to pay them USD200k a year for housework and babysitting. And if no one in the job market actually offers such salary for carrying out these duties - it's not worth it.

 

[JTE]

OK, the first thing is that if you think you need to lie about this kind of stuff, your marriage is in deep trouble already and before you think about getting even a set of strings you'd better work out that vital issue first. Second, I'd advise the OP to sit down with his wife and spend a lot of time coming up with a shared financial plan that covers both long-term and short-term goals.

Third, don't covet your neighbors' gear. What He has for you is for you, which also means what He has for me is for me, not you. OK, so why do I have two US Laklands, a Skyline, a Fullerton-era Vintage Series '62 P (in the rare Lake Placid Blue no less), etc. etc.? Because...

1. I managed a guitar store from '77 - '88. Didn't make much money and should have left it about five years earlier than I did. But that's in the past and I can't change THAT boneheaded financial move! And I did acquire some good stuff then, and I learned to be able to know exactly what I want and not waste money on settling for something less, trying to modify it to meet my needs/wants, and the trying to flip it so I could buy something else.

2. I gigged steady from '76- 2002, and made good money at it. But more importantly I ran the business side like a business. That means (among other things) I reported every dime of the income, but also took every legitimate deduction I could. And for a good long while there, the tax implications were that I either buy new gear or I pay taxes on the income. In retrospect it may have been more wise in the long-run to have paid some taxes and used the income for other things than music (I came to "Dave Ramsey land" very late in life), but again, that's done. Bottom line is I have those instruments because I acquired them over 30+ years of gigging and working in retail music. The Fullerton-era P bass was just a brand-new bass when I bought it in '83 for $500.

3. I don't have stuff I can't use. OK, I do have stuff I don't use, but that's because I'm not gigging now. But I don't have any use for one, let alone two 8x10 cabinets. I'd LOVE to have a great Jazz bass or clone, but there's no reason to justify it now. That's part of the "what He has for me is for me" thing. Read Psalm 23 carefully (I feel safe in that because you've said your gigs are church gigs)- that first line says "... I will not want". Don't assume that only means that you will not be in need, but also that you will have what you really need. It comes to the discussion of "need versus want" that you and your wife need to frankly discuss over time in your financial planning discussions. This stuff needs to be talked about together, so don't abdicate your responsibility in financial planning, nor put the blame all on her.

In summation...
Talk about it
Be patient
KNOW what you need and not merely justify
Trust (Hebrews 11:1)

John

 

[Lumpy_Bass]

OP I feel for you on this b/c I am a very similar situation with my wife and gear. She is an accountant and after doing my musical expenses for last year she kinda put a freeze on my spending so I frequent craigslist trying to make trades for the stuff I want as a workaround. That at least provided temporary relief for my GAS while I holdout for some leverage time!

HOWEVER.... BE CAREFUL WITH THAT! I was instantly reminded of a thread I started about 6 months ago that provided a bounty of insightful posts as they relate to gear and marriage so here it is:

http://www.talkbass.com/forum/f8/traded-jazz-bass-gift-wife-mad-evaluate-trade-702535/

Best of luck my friend

 

[marmadaddy]

That's problem, my wife wants nothing as far as major purchases go. She is what you would call, a financial nazi. A fiscal conservative if you will. She has done me the favor of keeping us completely debt free. By debt free, I really mean debt free. We have no loans, no credit cards, nothing. We pay cash for everything, we save about $1500 a month, invest $600 a month, $100 a month into my daughters college fund.... The rest goes to bills and living expenses. The money is there, but no touching. Pure torture.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like this is about "your hobby" at all. It's about control. The money is as much yours as it is hers. The issue is the fact that you and your wife don't have a common definition of responsible use of it.

For my wife and I we agree that money is to be used for securing our future, but it is also for enjoying the present. The two are not mutually exclusive.

You either have to come to an agreement with her that suits both of you over how your family income will be spent, or cede control over your finances to her and learn to live with it.

Personally, I just treat music as an avocation that pays for itself. My wife's more than happy with it.

 

[SteveC]

Glad I married the right girl.....

 

[tjh]

My wife would let me do whatever I choose, but then again, she knows I am realistic about my aspirations, have no hopes of glory, wont bust our bank, and I involve her in what I do ... at present I have been bringing in quite a bit more 'lower end' gear to do some testing as part of an education process, that in the end should hopefully allow me to use 'less expensive gear' to meet my needs, and have a better understanding of what it is EXACTLY that I like, or prefer, rather than depending on others descriptions and opinions ...

.. with that said, I get a kick out of bringing in pieces and then assembling it into something playable, and when she asks "now, when did that one come?" .. I just smile and say "oh, it was just some spare parts I had laying around" ... she gives me a little smirk back ...

 

[A.Diva]

This thread gives me the willies. Have you guys ever seen this scenario in the reverse?

I can't see myself tolerating someone telling me how I can spend my money. {and no, I don't believe in joint personal accounts, only joint house accounts, and credit reports would be exchanged long before rings}

If lightning did somehow strike and someone actually asked me to marry him, I would hope he had already taken note of what is laying around my home. And if the multiple basses, multiple laptops/computers, Nintendo stuff, and scores of books/magazines doesn't scare him off, then I guess we'd be golden.

But still I don't see how one can marry an artist of any kind and not be "into" it. I think that would be like marrying a preacher and not liking church.

 

[Jazzdogg]

I have always deposited gig money in a separate bank account, to which I add proceeds from gear sales, and a small amount from my regular pay check. If I don't have the money, I don't spend it: no debt incurred.

When my wife was alive, we each had our own bank accounts in addition to our joint accounts. Thankfully, conflicts were limited, mostly, to how money in the joint accounts would be spent; we were each free to spend our private savings on almost anything we wanted to.

 

[gjbassist]

She has done me the favor of keeping us completely debt free. By debt free, I really mean debt free. We have no loans, no credit cards, nothing. We pay cash for everything, we save about $1500 a month, invest $600 a month, $100 a month into my daughters college fund.... The rest goes to bills and living expenses. The money is there, but no touching. Pure torture.

Financially, you are in a fortunate position that most people only dream of! Imagine how comfortable you will be able to live when you retire! However, you still need to have fun and enjoy life! If you have ever listened to Dave Ramsey then you know all about his philosophy on being debt free. Even he thinks it is alright to have "toys" as long as you can afford them and pay cash for them. It sounds like you would have no problem doing that. You just need to get your wife to loosen the reins a bit. Maybe give his show a call or drop him an email. If your wife got a bit of reassurance from someone like Dave that it is okay to spend money too maybe it would help!

 

[ProgRocker]

That's problem, my wife wants nothing as far as major purchases go. She is what you would call, a financial nazi. A fiscal conservative if you will. She has done me the favor of keeping us completely debt free. By debt free, I really mean debt free. We have no loans, no credit cards, nothing. We pay cash for everything, we save about $1500 a month, invest $600 a month, $100 a month into my daughters college fund.... The rest goes to bills and living expenses. The money is there, but no touching. Pure torture.

Sorry, I have to ask. If you're the sole provider, how does she get to make all the decisions regarding money?

As long as everything that needs to be paid for is, I don't see why she'd refuse you the occasional purchace. I still don't see how if you're the breadwinner, she holds the purse strings.

 

[Staccato]

Don't spend her earnings on gear, and don't spend money intended for mortgage, utilities, or other necessary items.

Short answer, if you have discretionary income, or sell other gear to buy 'new' gear, she will have and hold you!

 

[Roy Vogt]

So, ironically the next family Music purchase is a Jazz Archtop guitar-for her....

 

[RufusSPatches]

My fiance has no problem with me buying equipment as long as everything else is paid for. My only problem is that I buy something, and i have to wait until SHE is done checking it out! I don't mind though, this is what I get for falling for another musician!

 

[NortyFiner]

I buy and sell mostly via my Paypal account and my own credit card, neither of which my wife sees, so she doesn't really know how much I spend on gear. BUT, she also doesn't really care. We have a good financial situation, a lot of trust between us, and she is a musician too (keys/vocals), so she generally supports (or enables) my GAS within our financial limits. To maintain her trust and support, I demonstrate my financial responsibility in two ways:

- I consult her on larger purchases (more than $200-300ish) to make sure (#1) the bills are paid and (#2) she has no important money plans that I don't already know about ("But I was going to get new tires this week..."). As long as I stay within reasonable limits and keep her informed, she is good with whatever I want to do.

- I don't hoard gear. When I buy new gear, I sell my old gear. That reduces the net amount of money spent, and also minimizes clutter in the house. My pedal habit pretty much pays for itself; I bought two new pedals this week, but the six I will be selling soon will more than pay for them. I am strongly considering buying a new bass, but at least one of my current two will go to make room for it. So it goes.

 

[Ric5]

I've been happily married to my wife for over 8 years, and have known her almost my whole life. We love each other very much, and while she is moderately supportive of my musical "hobby"(her words), nothing sets her off more than when I ask to buy a piece of gear. This is frustrating for me because I am the sole financial provider for my family(1 daughter, 1 wife) so I would think that I could have a little bit of wiggle room as far as asking for money to buy something goes.

I've seen some of your posts and pictures....... some people have accumulate a mass of gear. I have an Ampeg 1975 810, a modern Ampeg 810, an Ampeg SVT-CL, some pedals, and a Fender P-bass. I'm jealous, so I must know; how do you do it?

I have 15 5 string basses 2 guitars, 3 bass heads, 6 speaker cabs, 1 combo amp, effects, 1 keyboard, and PA stuff ...

How do I do it? Well I have a professional career where I make enough money to afford it and my wife is a musician and she is a keyboard player and singer and she has equipment as well.