Suicide and those quietly considering it

[HaMMerHeD]

Some days and weeks are harder than others. The value of everything is negotiable. Strength and discipline are diminished under the immense pressure of choices without choice.

The past few weeks have been brutal. Very little hope for improvement exists, but one has to struggle through anyway. There is never really any light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes its darker and more awful than other times. But...one has to drive into the dark anyway.

 

[XtheDeadPawn]

Both of You

Fine. I quit.

I'm sorry to anyone who feels like I crossed the line in my defense I was just expressing an opinion perhaps after experiencing my Great grandmother and father die without getting to say goodbye has emotionally stunted my growth. I'm trying to work on that perhaps I should try harder and learn to think before I speak.
I never experienced a situation of one of my family members commiting suicide (Unless you count my cousins ex-wife who pulled a Kurt Cobain but, I don't) so I don't know how I'd feel so I'll shut my mouth.

This thread however should in my opinion be edited and list every helpful link on the first page. Easier access for those who need it. Simple is always good.

 

[capnsandwich]

Wow, I just read this:

Quote:
Warning Signs:

Increased Isolation – From family and friends

Alcohol or Drug Use Increases Expression of negative attitude toward self

Expression of hopelessness or helplessness

Change in Regular Behavior

Loss of interest in usual activities

Giving away valued possessions

Expression of a lack of future orientation (i.e. "It won't matter soon anyway")

Expressing Suicidal Feelings

Signs of Depression

Describes a Specific Plan for Suicide

History of Suicide in the Family

A person who has been extremely depressed in the past may be at an increased risk for suicide if the depression begins to cease, as they may now have the psychological energy to follow through on a suicidal ideation.

I just asked my wife if I've had any of these symptoms and she said that I have most of them. Yes, I've been pretty depressed here lately but I've been trying to stay positive. That's one of the reasons I've been trying to stay away from this thread. However, today I decided to read the first page and boy, it hit home pretty good. Yes, I need some help.

 

[XtheDeadPawn]

As a Straight Edge my drug persay is Fanta Orange and lately with Kevin leaving Attack of the Show! I notice my old habit is back. I've been inhaling Fanta litterally like water I can't remember the last time I drank water!

So if Fanta is my drug, and I've been feeling most of the list except #6 and #8 I think maybe I also need to get more help. It's funny I go to a psychiatrist, take medicine, have a loving family, and close group of friends but, I still don't feel like I'm needed. Atleast in college I was trying to better myself but, now I feel horrible and want everyone else to feel the same. I swear I never uset to be this guy now I don't know what I am. I volunteer at this retirement center near my house or atleast I did around Christmas of last year. For the first time in months at that time I felt like my life was mine again now that it's been close to 6 months since they called me to work I feel like I am back to this feeling of blackness again.

Basically if your reading this contemplating suicide atleast reread this entire thread to know what impact you'll leave behind. Because I'll admit my life right now isn't going well but, I know I was put here for something and you were too but, you and I will never know what if we end it all before it starts. Life has phases this is just one of them.
Let's try and stick around for the next one. Because people depend on us. People need us. But, most of all people love us.


_________________________
I don't know what the above was. I just typed it it hit me like a Chorus so I kept writting. I hope whatever it is though helps who reads it and relates to it.

 

[sandmangeck]

Straight edge people take psych meds? Get better bro.

 

[1958Bassman]

Fine. I quit.

I'm sorry to anyone who feels like I crossed the line in my defense I was just expressing an opinion perhaps after experiencing my Great grandmother and father die without getting to say goodbye has emotionally stunted my growth. I'm trying to work on that perhaps I should try harder and learn to think before I speak.
I never experienced a situation of one of my family members commiting suicide (Unless you count my cousins ex-wife who pulled a Kurt Cobain but, I don't) so I don't know how I'd feel so I'll shut my mouth.

This thread however should in my opinion be edited and list every helpful link on the first page. Easier access for those who need it. Simple is always good.

Debate and discussion are good- I don't think the thread needs to be edited. Also, your cousin's ex doing this is no different from a direct family member- you knew her, so the connection is there. Learn from it, especially if you remember anything she said or did that had anything to do with her situation.

Re: your growth being stunted by losing your GGM and father without getting a chance to say goodbye- that will stunt your emotional growth if you let it. That's far from the worst thing that could have happened to you, to be honest. If my parents were here to read what you posted, they'd tell you to stop whining because they had it a helluva lot worse when they were young. My maternal grandmother dies when my mom was 9 and once she was gone, my grandfather didn't want the kids who were still at home. My uncle was put on a train to California with $5 pinned to his sweater, so he could live with some relatives. He was 3 years old. If you want to complain about not being able to say goodbye, go ahead.

I don't know how old you are or when they passed, but if you knew your grandparents and any Great grand parents, consider yourself damn lucky, especially if they were able to communicate any good information to you. If you spent any time with them at all, you need to know that many, including me, can't say that. I never knew my dad's parents and although I saw my grandmother in the nursing home a couple of times, she wouldn't have known who I was anyway because of the strokes. That grandfather died before I was born, as did my maternal grandmother. My maternal grandfather lived in Kansas and I only saw him a few times, so it's not like we had any kind of family relationship. I really wish I had known my grandparents and have always felt that I missed out, realizing that not all parents and grandparents are particularly worth knowing. We did have some neighbors who were like substitute grandparents for a lot of kids in the neighborhood, though. They were good people and it was definitely good to have them around when I was a kid.

Rather than complain about a few bad things, look at the good things and be happy you had them.

 

[i_got_a_mohawk]

Wow, I just read this:

I just asked my wife if I've had any of these symptoms and she said that I have most of them. Yes, I've been pretty depressed here lately but I've been trying to stay positive. That's one of the reasons I've been trying to stay away from this thread. However, today I decided to read the first page and boy, it hit home pretty good. Yes, I need some help.

Avoiding the problem isn't going to help, I'm glad you took the time to look into the thread and I'm glad you were speaking to your wife. Good luck and stay healthy bro

 

[Norwegian Bass]

As a Straight Edge my drug persay is Fanta Orange and lately with Kevin leaving Attack of the Show! I notice my old habit is back. I've been inhaling Fanta litterally like water I can't remember the last time I drank water!

So if Fanta is my drug, and I've been feeling most of the list except #6 and #8 I think maybe I also need to get more help. It's funny I go to a psychiatrist, take medicine, have a loving family, and close group of friends but, I still don't feel like I'm needed. Atleast in college I was trying to better myself but, now I feel horrible and want everyone else to feel the same. I swear I never uset to be this guy now I don't know what I am. I volunteer at this retirement center near my house or atleast I did around Christmas of last year. For the first time in months at that time I felt like my life was mine again now that it's been close to 6 months since they called me to work I feel like I am back to this feeling of blackness again.

Basically if your reading this contemplating suicide atleast reread this entire thread to know what impact you'll leave behind. Because I'll admit my life right now isn't going well but, I know I was put here for something and you were too but, you and I will never know what if we end it all before it starts. Life has phases this is just one of them.
Let's try and stick around for the next one. Because people depend on us. People need us. But, most of all people love us.


_________________________
I don't know what the above was. I just typed it it hit me like a Chorus so I kept writting. I hope whatever it is though helps who reads it and relates to it.

------------------------------------------------------

Now, see this is a step in the right direction!

I've been reading your posts and I believe that you're currently in a depression. Which is why despite your loving family and friends, you still feel down. People tell you to be greatful for the good things in your life, but you just can't. And you're confused about "who you are" as you say. But you do have the insight that you need more help. I think you're right about that and it's a thing that you should give yourself a pat on the back for relizing this about yourself, because most people that are depressed are in denial. I think it would be good for you to go to the therapist more often, once a week is good. Also evaluate the therapist. If you're not getting better or get results, move on to another. You have to be able to connect with your therapist and you have to feel that the therapist understand you and what you're dealing with. Also when you're in your session, be brutally honest. About yourself and (even more importantly) about other people. You didn't get depressed by yourself. Something or somebody did it to you. It's not your fault. Also try to stay away from negativity. From reading your posts you give of the impression that you're bathing in negative thoughts. This is also something you've learned and practised. Doesn't mean that it's the "real you" or that you can't change. Tell people about your depression and ask them to be positive around you. If they can't or won't; leave them. Read books! I recommend "When Nietzsche Wept" by Irvin D Yalom.
Try to view life from the point of view that life isn't about "finding yourself", it's about "creating yourself". Accept yourself and love yourself too. Good luck, and feel free to write whatever you think of this advice!

 

[MIJ-VI]

As a Straight Edge my drug persay is Fanta Orange and lately with Kevin leaving Attack of the Show! I notice my old habit is back. I've been inhaling Fanta litterally like water I can't remember the last time I drank water!

So if Fanta is my drug, and I've been feeling most of the list except #6 and #8 I think maybe I also need to get more help. It's funny I go to a psychiatrist, take medicine, have a loving family, and close group of friends but, I still don't feel like I'm needed. Atleast in college I was trying to better myself but, now I feel horrible and want everyone else to feel the same. I swear I never uset to be this guy now I don't know what I am. I volunteer at this retirement center near my house or atleast I did around Christmas of last year. For the first time in months at that time I felt like my life was mine again now that it's been close to 6 months since they called me to work I feel like I am back to this feeling of blackness again.

Basically if your reading this contemplating suicide atleast reread this entire thread to know what impact you'll leave behind. Because I'll admit my life right now isn't going well but, I know I was put here for something and you were too but, you and I will never know what if we end it all before it starts. Life has phases this is just one of them.
Let's try and stick around for the next one. Because people depend on us. People need us. But, most of all people love us.


_________________________
I don't know what the above was. I just typed it it hit me like a Chorus so I kept writting. I hope whatever it is though helps who reads it and relates to it.

Bingo!

BTW. Maybe give the retirement center a call or seek out other similar options?
A form of volunteer work in which one could also develop new skills would be even more enriching.

 

[Norwegian Bass]

And one other thing:

XtheDeadPawn, this below(1958Bassman's response) is the kind of response and people you'd want to avoid. They are not helping, they actually makes things worse if you believe them. What basically Bassman says here is that you should be ashamed and that you "do not have the right" to be depressed, simply because "it could be worse". Well, any idiot knows that it could be worse, but it could also be better. The post is nothing but self-exhaltation on Bassman's part because in his opinion he's had to overcome bigger obstacles. You should avoid these kind of people like the plague when your dealing with depression because they don't know what they're talking about. How can he possibly know how you feel, or how your stunted emotianal growth has damaged your psyche and confidence?
The one good thing about having a depression, is that if you're able to fight through it and win, then it's a great vehicle for emotional growth. And when you look back on it, you'll feel wiser. And to feel that you possess true insight and wisdom is a effective weapon against depressive thoughts and feelings.

Debate and discussion are good- I don't think the thread needs to be edited. Also, your cousin's ex doing this is no different from a direct family member- you knew her, so the connection is there. Learn from it, especially if you remember anything she said or did that had anything to do with her situation.

Re: your growth being stunted by losing your GGM and father without getting a chance to say goodbye- that will stunt your emotional growth if you let it. That's far from the worst thing that could have happened to you, to be honest. If my parents were here to read what you posted, they'd tell you to stop whining because they had it a helluva lot worse when they were young. My maternal grandmother dies when my mom was 9 and once she was gone, my grandfather didn't want the kids who were still at home. My uncle was put on a train to California with $5 pinned to his sweater, so he could live with some relatives. He was 3 years old. If you want to complain about not being able to say goodbye, go ahead.

I don't know how old you are or when they passed, but if you knew your grandparents and any Great grand parents, consider yourself damn lucky, especially if they were able to communicate any good information to you. If you spent any time with them at all, you need to know that many, including me, can't say that. I never knew my dad's parents and although I saw my grandmother in the nursing home a couple of times, she wouldn't have known who I was anyway because of the strokes. That grandfather died before I was born, as did my maternal grandmother. My maternal grandfather lived in Kansas and I only saw him a few times, so it's not like we had any kind of family relationship. I really wish I had known my grandparents and have always felt that I missed out, realizing that not all parents and grandparents are particularly worth knowing. We did have some neighbors who were like substitute grandparents for a lot of kids in the neighborhood, though. They were good people and it was definitely good to have them around when I was a kid.

Rather than complain about a few bad things, look at the good things and be happy you had them.

 

[capnsandwich]

And one other thing:

XtheDeadPawn, this below(1958Bassman's response) is the kind of response and people you'd want to avoid. They are not helping, they actually makes things worse if you believe them. What basically Bassman says here is that you should be ashamed and that you "do not have the right" to be depressed, simply because "it could be worse". Well, any idiot knows that it could be worse, but it could also be better. The post is nothing but self-exhaltation on Bassman's part because in his opinion he's had to overcome bigger obstacles. You should avoid these kind of people like the plague when your dealing with depression because they don't know what they're talking about. How can he possibly know how you feel, or how your stunted emotianal growth has damaged your psyche and confidence?
The one good thing about having a depression, is that if you're able to fight through it and win, then it's a great vehicle for emotional growth. And when you look back on it, you'll feel wiser. And to feel that you possess true insight and wisdom is a effective weapon against depressive thoughts and feelings.

Agreed! No one should ever compare their emotional state with someone else's. Each one of us are different and come from different backgrounds. We're built for different things so to say that someone shouldn't whine about a situation is being pretty insensitive IMO. I have a high pain tolerance and can work on a broken foot (true story.) That doesn't mean it's good for me or right of me to put down those who go to the ER to get a cast.

 

[1958Bassman]

What basically Bassman says here is that you should be ashamed and that you "do not have the right" to be depressed, simply because "it could be worse". Well, any idiot knows that it could be worse, but it could also be better. The post is nothing but self-exhaltation on Bassman's part because in his opinion he's had to overcome bigger obstacles. You should avoid these kind of people like the plague when your dealing with depression because they don't know what they're talking about. How can he possibly know how you feel, or how your stunted emotianal growth has damaged your psyche and confidence?

The one good thing about having a depression, is that if you're able to fight through it and win, then it's a great vehicle for emotional growth. And when you look back on it, you'll feel wiser. And to feel that you possess true insight and wisdom is a effective weapon against depressive thoughts and feelings.

Self-exhaltation? BS! I don't have much to complain about- I was making the point that not everyone gets to have grandparents, great-grandparents or for that matter, they don't necessarily get to know their real parents.

One thing I would like to be able to change is the number of people I knew who killed themselves. If I could, I would go back and look for the signs, so they could have been helped, if possible.

As far as not knowing what I'm talking about, that's also BS. I have had some seriously bad times but I never wanted to go to the extent of suicide. I also never said he doesn't have the right to feel the way he does but I will definitely admit that the post is a lot more harsh than it needed to be and for that, I apologize to him. I wasn't at the hospital when my parents died, so I never got to say goodbye while they were still breathing, but I was able to, after we got the calls. You don't think I went through some shyte when they died? You're very wrong.

Your last paragraph is very accurate and should be repeated here & in other similar threads when they arise. It's a lot more thorough than "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger".

 

[XtheDeadPawn]

I didn't get to see my Great grandparents in their final days. I got to see them a month before and even then my Grandma was hooked to a machine screaming pushing me away when I went in for a hug not knowing who I was due to the medicines in her system so she pushed me away. That was the last time I saw her. I didn't go to her funeral or my Great grandfathers funeral who died not even a month later the last time I remember seeing him well was in the waiting room after my Grandmother pushed me away. My family thought it was best to shield their deaths from me since around that time my mental problems started to get worse I think my problems now wouldn't be so bad if only I got to say goodbye.

I remember feeling betrayed by my family, and God. I still feel betrayed by them as far as getting to say goodbye. I suppose maybe I should have been thankful but, at 6 you are a kid. I grew up from then on not trusting anyone because they'll end up screwing you when the chance comes. I still have that DTA mentality and after using it for 16 years I have become a master at the "mask".

The "mask" is a human protection mechanism you put it on to look brave in dire times when your really scared to death. Well I also use it to hide my emotions from people not just fear, but, happiness, sadness, and anything I feel makes a person approachable. Why? Well it started as a tool but, now it has become a trait. I rarely take it off except with people I really trust and even then it's never when around a large amount of people. I "wear" this "mask" everywhere even at family gatherings and to my theraphist. So I doubt he even really knows how bad my depression is or if he can he doesn't say anything. I don't know if that's because I wear the "mask" so well or something else.

I really wanna take off this thing. I just kinda gave up trying.

 

[capnsandwich]

I didn't get to see my Great grandparents in their final days. I got to see them a month before and even then my Grandma was hooked to a machine screaming pushing me away when I went in for a hug not knowing who I was due to the medicines in her system so she pushed me away. That was the last time I saw her. I didn't go to her funeral or my Great grandfathers funeral who died not even a month later the last time I remember seeing him well was in the waiting room after my Grandmother pushed me away. My family thought it was best to shield their deaths from me since around that time my mental problems started to get worse I think my problems now wouldn't be so bad if only I got to say goodbye.

I remember feeling betrayed by my family, and God. I still feel betyrayed by them as far as getting to say goodbye. I suppose maybe I should have been thankful but, at 6 you are a kid. I grew up from then on not trusting anyone because they'll end up screwing you when the chance comes. I still have that DTA mentality and after using it for 16 years I have become a master at the "mask".

The "mask" is a human protection mechanism you put it on to look brave in dire times when your really scared to death. Well I also use it to hide my emotions from people not just fear, but, happiness, sadness, and anything I feel makes a person approachable. I "wear" this "mask" everywhere even at family gatherings and my theraphist. So I doubt even really knows how bad my depression is or if he can he doesn't say anything.

Are you talking to anyone about this "mask" besides us? Maybe you should talk to your therapist about it. Are you taking any meds for your depression? I'm against long term depression medication (unless it's absolutely necessary) but it may help you get through this funk and depression you're in right now.

 

[XtheDeadPawn]

I've told him about it but, since then he's never asked about it. I joke around that I'm a Prozaic baby because I've taken it or some derivitive of it in some way shape or form since around age 7 or earlier.

 

[HaMMerHeD]

I know all about the mask. I learned a long time ago that I was the only person who cared about how I was feeling, what I was feeling, or what I was thinking about. So I have kept a permanent "mask" on display for about 20 years. But the depression is so all-consuming, I rarely think about anything else. Even when I am busy working, keeping my brain busy, every spare cycle is spent thinking about misery. About the only thing that helps is valium. But it makes me so tired, I can't take it when I really need it.

 

[XtheDeadPawn]

I am the same way
Feels nice to see/hear that.

HaMMerHeD whenever you work do you find you get tunnelvision? Whenever I focus on a task I block out the entire world around me until I finish the task at hand.

 

[HaMMerHeD]

I used to. Depression used to be the only thing that I had to deal with, and keeping busy was for a few years a pretty good way to mitigate its effects. If I was really into what I was doing, it was easy to blur the depressive thought processes.

But these days, at least for the past 2 years, chronic anxiety has been making it very hard to concentrate on anything in particular for very long. These days, I can get about 2 hours of work before I can no longer focus. Used to be, I could work a dozen or more hours.

I am the same way
Feels nice to see/hear that.

HaMMerHeD whenever you work do you find you get tunnelvision? Whenever I focus on a task I block out the entire world around me until I finish the task at hand.

 

[Norwegian Bass]

The mask has to come off! Do it with your therapist. Your therapist cares and will feel honered that you've opened up to him/her. For progress to be made you have to show your hand, lay all the cards on the table. You may be scared, or feel akward,embarrassed, humiliated or stupid etc. before or even when the words come out of your mouth, but you will not be rejected. And afterwards you'll feel relieved and liberated. Cause finally, you have opened up and communicated honestly and the work can begin; the process that will heal you.

 

[Norwegian Bass]

I am the same way
Feels nice to see/hear that.

HaMMerHeD whenever you work do you find you get tunnelvision? Whenever I focus on a task I block out the entire world around me until I finish the task at hand.

I used to. Depression used to be the only thing that I had to deal with, and keeping busy was for a few years a pretty good way to mitigate its effects. If I was really into what I was doing, it was easy to blur the depressive thought processes.

But these days, at least for the past 2 years, chronic anxiety has been making it very hard to concentrate on anything in particular for very long. These days, I can get about 2 hours of work before I can no longer focus. Used to be, I could work a dozen or more hours.

I see masks falling already. This is good!