Making Female Singer Feel Safer

[Matthew_84]

It’s amazing to me that guys are getting upset with a woman stating she can’t trust men she hasn’t met before.

She isn’t saying that most men will do harm to women, but that she doesn’t trust them. She has every right to believe that way.

I’m not comfortable with my wife being alone with men she hasn’t met either because I know what some of us are capable of, especially since she has had two cases where a man harassed or assaulted her behind closed doors at work. Both were done by two different men, at two different jobs. She’s also had an incident outside of the workplace by a third man.

This will be my only post in this thread, because I don’t want to get into a whole thing here, but I have to stand by @mapleglo on this one.

 

[mapleglo]

I agree that it's almost certainly low. Where does it state that MOST men are doing the assaults? Most would be more that 50%. There isn't a single statistic in there that supports your assertion that MOST men can't be trusted around women.

Care lend some insight as to which men I can trust and which men I can't?

 

[KevInDaBassment]

Please don't tell me to go away. That's not very nice...

I said nothing about you going away, just requested commentary on that tangent be taken elsewhere.

 

[StayLow]

Sexual Assault Statistics | National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC)

1 in 5 women will be raped at some point in their lives. And those are the ones that are reported.

"Raped". 1 in 5. That is not at all credible.

Offering a collective olive branch, can we agree that women have cause for concern from *some* men NOT "most"?

Men have similar cause for concern, including from "some" women.

There's no reason, despite the specific premise of the original post, to make this at all about gender.

Pudence pays for all parties of any gender.

 

[Bassbeater]

#dufus too

Take a deep breath everybody. We're all bassists.

 

[lfmn16]

Care lend some insight as to which men I can trust and which men I can't?

No, but that's not the topic we are discussing. YOU are the one that made the statement that most men can't be trusted around women. That is the topic. I'm just trying to get you to provide some proof for that.

It's a problem I've understood it for years. I've always lived by the rule, "Don't treat any woman in any way you wouldn't want your mother, sister or wife treated." I'm not trying to minimize the problem. You are entitled to your own opinion, but you aren't entitled to your own set of facts.

 

[KevInDaBassment]

ThisThread.JPG

 

[40Hz]

Once again we see TB’s uncanny ability to sometimes generate more heat than light.

 

[holdfast]

I said nothing about you going away, just requested commentary on that tangent be taken elsewhere.

It's the same thing. To comply with your wishes, I would have to go elsewhere (leave this thread), and take my "tangent" with me. There was nothing tangential about what I said. It is completely relevant to the conversation, and you don't get to to tell me to go away because I stated what I thought was a larger underlying premise.

 

[mapleglo]

No, but that's not the topic we are discussing. YOU are the one that made the statement that most men can't be trusted around women. That is the topic. I'm just trying to get you to provide some proof for that.

It's a problem I've understood it for years. I've always lived by the rule, "Don't treat any woman in any way you wouldn't want your mother, sister or wife treated." I'm not trying to minimize the problem. You are entitled to your own opinion, but you aren't entitled to your own set of facts.

According to the stats, I have a 20% chance of being raped in my lifetime. How I can know what men will perpetrate this upon me, other than to have a distrust of all men?

 

[TNCreature]

If you have any gigs you could invite the singer and some friends (comp them) to see your band live.
This would be a good introduction and allow her to see and hear what you are about.
I've always played in bands with females and most people have a good radar about who they are speaking with and how they are treated.
I think just bringing that concern up with a potential singer would go a long way in making them feel welcomed and comfortable.

 

[lfmn16]

Offering a collective olive branch, can we agree that women have cause for concern from *some* men NOT "most"?

I think this is entirely reasonable. I'm certainly not saying ALL men can be trusted. I've gone to auditions myself where I've not been entirely comfortable.

 

[mapleglo]

Well, I'm off to band rehearsal. See y'all later tonight

 

[lfmn16]

According to the stats, I have a 20% chance of being raped in my lifetime. How I can know what men will perpetrate this upon me, other than to have a distrust of all men?

You are trying to change the argument. The statement you made was that most men can't be trusted around women. Now, since you can't prove that, you've CHANGED the argument to "how can I know which men I can or can't trust." That's a DIFFERENT argument. I'm not disagreeing with that. I'm disagreeing with your first statement.

 

[KevInDaBassment]

It's the same thing. To comply with your wishes, I would have to go elsewhere (leave this thread), and take my "tangent" with me. There was nothing tangential about what I said. It is completely relevant to the conversation, and you don't get to to tell me to go away because I stated what I thought was a larger underlying premise.

You can take it as you will, but that's not what I said or meant. You are correct in saying you "thought" it "was a larger underlying premise" because it was not, it's just what you thought.

 

[-Asdfgh-]

I asked my wife (she's a woman - I checked) suggested the best option is a reasonably public rehearsal location. Plus some non serious suggestions.

 

[Cowboy in Latvia]

Well, as interesting as this soon-to-be-closed thread is...

I asked my wife, who is a female singer, what might help her feel more comfortable. She indicated a public place combined with a live-stream of the audition would not only help her but also the band to be more comfortable. Locally there are some coffee shops who will let a band set up and play in the mid afternoon hours for free. Something like that might work for an audition. She also stated that she would prefer if I was able to sit in the back and watch for the audition and first few rehearsals. She would kill me if I tried to meddle in any band she was a part of which might be different for your singer. Spouses/s.o.'s can be problematic in rehearsals if they think they have any input in the band so that is another consideration for you. Best of luck Plucky.

 

[Gravedigger Dav]

Dufus? Really? Why the name calling? The example of your HR situation where a vindictive employee made up a story about you actually places the specific dynamics being talked about here into a larger societal context.

I'm curious as to what nerve I've touched here. In my whole time as a member of this forum I've never been called names, or told to go away. To say that I am surprised is an understatement.

I didn't call you a name. Sorry if you got that impression. It was meant as generality. Change the word to troll if you find that less offensive.
I wasn't talking about anyone, but you know that this sort of thing happens.
My personal story was only to illustrate that this sort of thing happens. And in today's world, the female is always believed and the male is always guilty.
I can't say I've never called anyone a name, but in this case, you overreacted and took it personal. I'm truly sorry if I offended.

 

[alaskaleftybass]

I agree with @mapleglo . She is the only female respondent so I think that more than qualifies her opinion.

Why don't some of you calm down and save the chest thumping for somewhere else and address the issue?

The OP and bandmate are considering adding a female singer. They want the person to feel comfortable and safe. If you can't fathom how it would feel meeting up with three or four other strange guys, imagine walking into an alley and bumping into four 6 foot men packing questionable objects. That's an extreme example, but I hope you get my point. Sadly we aren't yet a world where a woman can feel 100% safe. But we are moving in that direction.

1. Meet with perspective for coffee, full band, and offer the singer to bring friends.
2. Until she's comfortable with the band she can bring anyone and everyone to auditions and practices she wishes.
3. Be gentlemen. Leave your potty-mouths at home or save it for private time with whoever.
4. Have a brief sit down before the rehearsal before and ask if she has any questions.
5. Keep it light and humorous. Try and make her feel at ease. Be respectful. Imagine your mom auditioning for the band.

By the way this could apply to anyone auditioning to a band, it's all new and all strangers. There will be a time in the future where our female counterparts will feel as free and safe as we men do and take it for granted.

 

[-Asdfgh-]

I asked my wife (she's a woman - I checked) suggested the best option is a reasonably public rehearsal location. Plus some non serious suggestions.

I should note, my wife is not a singer or musician. In fact only the cat likes her singing. (The cat runs away when I sing in tune).

 

[two fingers]

I have worked with dozens of female singers over the years.... including recently in this "new age" of fear. I have held auditions for them. I have traveled in a van carrying five or six men and one woman one a 14-day band road trip (still not a "tour") who wasn't in a relationship with anyone else in the van. I have never had even one mention feeling unsafe or bringing a friend. (Not that I would have objected to making concessions.)

If you scare easily, live music might not be your thing. You will see things... and be exposed to things..... that might not be "safe". That doesn't mean you will get hurt. It just means that bars aren't exactly "danger free zones".

I would assume any woman auditioning for your band will feel safe unless she specifies otherwise. If she specifies otherwise, cross that bridge then. If she doesn't, have the audition in a manner that differs exactly zero from how you would hold auditions for a male. And then, of course, treat her with respect. (But just the fact that you are concerned means that wouldn't be an issue anyway.)

If an all-female band auditioned me, and held the auditions in a public place to insure that I didn't attack them I would be pissed. They will have made assumptions about my character.

Don't make assumptions about anyone's emotions and/or character.