This is the thing that really sucks being on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour - you've basically invested in them for months giving them the benefit of the doubt. That's exhausting.
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Passive-aggressive behavior
- Thread starter LBS-bass
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This is the thing that really sucks being on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour - you've basically invested in them for months giving them the benefit of the doubt. That's exhausting.
"Man up"?
It's an expression. For now. Until it gets cancelled.
I know you didn't say it.
No cancelling needed. Still an appropriate expression for those situations where the person saying it knows who they are speaking too, or about.
Yeah, it's exhausting, and what's more exhausting is trying to dig yourself out of whatever crazy perceptual pit they've tossed you into.
I've had endless surprises from people who have told me things that bug them about me or others where I go, "***? How did you possibly get there from here?" But they do. People do. They conclude things that are nonsensical and not based in any factual evidence ALL THE FREAKING TIME, and they steadfastly believe them.
And here's the thing - it's like with the people who kick you when you're down. You will never dig yourself out of that pit. Never. You'll never convince those people that you're not the horrible person they think you are. I'm a terrible person deserving of this level of derision because I made a joke that something didn't suck? Oh, give me a break here. But those people will go to their graves having made up their minds that I'm the unreasonable one, and there's no redeeming that situation. The more you attempt to dig out of a perceptual pit like that, the worse they get. The more they double down on "you must be the passive-aggressive one" or other such nonsense that they've just concocted in their heads.
The only winning strategy in that scenario is to not play the game. You cannot dig your way out and win them over. You will only make it worse if you try.
So whatever this guy has created in his mind, I have no ammunition against it other than to refuse to play along. You can't fight shadows.
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few thoughts:
- Are your texts long? Do you ask the question first? I have noticed at work the past several years, that some people do not read past the first few lines of an email or text. If your question is toward the end, P/A may never get that far.
- Did this band start as a "we are doing this" and shift to an "I am doing this" band. Maybe he doesn't like the shift.
- Maybe its simply different personality styles and yours are opposites https://www.amazon.com/Personality-...p-080075445X/dp/080075445X/ref=dp_ob_title_bk
- Is there a a ten year or more age difference? different perspectives on how to do something
- Is he lousy at texting? Maybe he needs a phone call if its urgent.
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Sorry if this was discussed already. Who legally owns the band? Whether someone is a legally entitled band partner or only a hired musician can count on who will survive.
I would consider primarily the opinions of those who are the legal holders of the band, if that is advantageous to you.
I would consider primarily the opinions of those who are the legal holders of the band, if that is advantageous to you.
As with a lot of things in life, I think a part of the problem is perception. The OP may consider herself to be "not bossy" and "very funny" but if the PA guy perceives her as bossy and unfunny, then in his mind and in his reality this is what she is.
I will say, OP, that in this particular thread you seem more defensive than in other threads I have read. This is my perception, based on your reactions to specific comments. Judging from other threads, I assume this is because this particular band means a lot to you, and it hurts all the more to potentially have to leave it (in some form or other).
I've had my share of P/A and conflicting personalities in my life, so all I can offer is: best of luck and I hope it works out for the best. Cos every situation is specific and there is no "one size fits all" solution (although I do adhere to the belief that direct confrontation will lead nowhere, with P/A) people.
I will say, OP, that in this particular thread you seem more defensive than in other threads I have read. This is my perception, based on your reactions to specific comments. Judging from other threads, I assume this is because this particular band means a lot to you, and it hurts all the more to potentially have to leave it (in some form or other).
I've had my share of P/A and conflicting personalities in my life, so all I can offer is: best of luck and I hope it works out for the best. Cos every situation is specific and there is no "one size fits all" solution (although I do adhere to the belief that direct confrontation will lead nowhere, with P/A) people.
I dont percieve this a classic dictator BL thing, this is just someone who has the skills and ethic to do the other band stuff...because they can.
Other members can be quite happy they do this but someone seems to be interpretting this as a 'my band' sort of BS instead of just being grateful its done.
I think the problem is entirely with little guy who benefits from someone doing the required admin stuff but then resents them doing it because it gives them a leader status.
It's childish on their part imv because mature people take it for what it is ...which is a necessary element of a working band, and some bands pay people to do same... and be thankful they don't have to take it all on.
Other members can be quite happy they do this but someone seems to be interpretting this as a 'my band' sort of BS instead of just being grateful its done.
I think the problem is entirely with little guy who benefits from someone doing the required admin stuff but then resents them doing it because it gives them a leader status.
It's childish on their part imv because mature people take it for what it is ...which is a necessary element of a working band, and some bands pay people to do same... and be thankful they don't have to take it all on.
Could have said "woman up" though.
Would you call a man who makes a mountain out of a molehill a "drama king" then?
I will refrain from further comments on this particular topic, as I do not want to sidetrack the original topic.
Sure. Drama King works. That is of course, unless that person is a construction engineer.
That's fine unless the texts are about bookings, rehearsals, or other important band issues.
Did he not let someone else know? The guy MUST talk to her?
Did anyone ever consider, even for a moment,
that there just might be more to this story?
IMHO have a group meeting and lay out the issue. I have been in similar situations & the issues that were not resolved remain to this day. My bottom line is do they show up and do their job.
Or maybe... the guy does his job, so just leave him alone and let him deal with whatever his issue is, however he feels he needs to in order to cope (yeah, I'm thinking there's more to this story)
The drama here is ridiculous. Someone needs to get over themselves (talk about passive-aggressive),
or maybe just fire the dude and put him out of his misery.
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@LBS-bass - Thanks for the link on grey rocking. The article does describe it as a temporary solution. I hope that your band can get past this and back to letting you do the things that make you successful.
One thought... Maybe the band member thinks that he's grey rocking. The inaction and results are similar but one won't know the intent without talking about it.
One thought... Maybe the band member thinks that he's grey rocking. The inaction and results are similar but one won't know the intent without talking about it.
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